“Let’s Have a Heart-to-Heart Talk”
“SAY, your wife is really worried about your health,” a man recently told his friend. “Is that so?” the friend replied. “She hasn’t given me any such impression.” And it was a comfort for the friend to know that, for it seemed to him that his wife was not especially concerned.
How typical that true-life incident is! Husbands and wives talk to others about what they should first of all mention to each other (a fact only too well known to marriage counselors!). Parents complain that they do not understand their children. Children, in turn, grumble to others that their parents are “squares.” Employees fail to communicate with their employers, and employers fail to get through to their employees; all of which has bad effects, emotionally as well as economically.
Modern students of human nature make much of the importance of communication, and rightly so, for much of the misery today is because of ever less and less communication. Thus a 1972 book devoted to helping married couples to get more joy and contentment out of their marriages by increased understanding states: “Many couples believe they know a lot more about one another than they in fact do know.”
True, it is so much easier to talk to others, to complain or grumble about a situation, than to talk things over with the one concerned or involved; to that person it is so much easier to give the “silent treatment.” But the easier way is seldom the better way. It takes courage, wisdom and tact, yes, and love to try to communicate with the involved person regarding a misunderstanding or an unpleasant situation or shortcoming.
Such was the situation faced by a husband who had a very intelligent wife but who was also strong willed. It seemed that every time he made an observation she replied with an objection, so he gradually refrained from mentioning such things. But he found that this was not the solution, for their relationship kept deteriorating. So upon the advice of a friend he once said to his wife in as sweet and loving a way as he knew how: “Honey, let’s have a heart-to-heart talk.” Starting off with some expressions of appreciation and endearment, he gradually touched on the things he felt needed to be discussed together. As a result, their relations with each other improved. Actually she had not been aware of how thoughtless her retorts were and how they affected him.
The Bible character Queen Esther sets us an example along this line. She had something very serious on her mind, the welfare of her people. She could have kept quiet and taken a chance that she might escape harm herself, but no. Upon the prompting of her cousin Mordecai, she tactfully prepared the way and then had a heart-to-heart talk with her royal husband. The result? She and her people were spared.—Esther 5:1–7:10.
When there is an apparent lack of harmony between us and another person, we owe it both to ourselves and to the other party to have a heart-to-heart talk. This principle is repeatedly noted in the Bible. On the one hand, it tells us that if we know that another has a grievance against us we should take the initiative to straighten things out, and, on the other hand, it also tells us that if we have a serious grievance against another we should go to that one and discuss the matter frankly.—Matt. 5:23, 24; 18:15-17.
By means of a heart-to-heart talk things can be straightened out, to the benefit of both. A husband may be too attentive to pretty members of the opposite sex. He may not think much of it, just liking to play the role of a gallant, but it might be quite depressing to his less attractive wife. Rather than to suffer in silence, she should have a heart-to-heart talk with him.
What if youths manifest a self-willed attitude? Should their parents let them go their own way? How often parents express shocked amazement when their children get in trouble with the police because of drugs, or a son gets VD or a daughter becomes illegitimately pregnant! Would parents have been amazed if they had been having heart-to-heart talks with their children? No, for then either their children would not have gotten into such trouble or the parents would have known what to expect. How far such lack of communication can go can be seen from the case of a Brooklyn daughter who shocked her family by giving birth to an illegitimate child before they even learned about her pregnancy. Though she was living at home, her parents said that they had noticed nothing wrong about her appearance.
Why do some shrink back from having a heart-to-heart talk? In some cases it could be a tendency to be introverted, and so one takes refuge in self-pity, getting a certain satisfaction from being a martyr.
Or it could be a matter of pride. One may not want to admit to being hurt or to being the cause of the trouble. Or one may not want to humble oneself, for suggesting a heart-to-heart talk often requires humility.
It has been said that 70 percent of communication between persons is nonverbal, that is, by gestures and actions, rather than words. While by these we can communicate our feelings, by these alone we cannot communicate our reasons for acting the way we do, nor can we by them alone dissolve misunderstandings or correct wrong impressions. But by talking things over we can hope to do so. Remember, this will take courage, wisdom, tact and love, but, oh, how rewarding!
Yes, there is a time for every purpose under the sun, and when there is a communication gap—and, better yet, before such a problem develops—that is the time to say: “Let’s have a heart-to-heart talk.”