Marriage By Go-Between—Can It Bring True Happiness?
By “Awake!” correspondent in Japan
WHILE having her hair arranged for the wedding ceremony, Hiroko was crying. “You should not cry on your wedding day,” the beautician said angrily.
But Hiroko felt she was in love with someone other than the man her parents had chosen for her to marry. They insisted that she marry a man much older than herself. Hiroko accepted their decision as “fate.”
After the honeymoon her husband appeared so happy that she decided to cover her own feelings and at least act happily married for his sake and the sake of her parents.
You see, Hiroko’s parents had followed the age-old custom of many Eastern countries of using a go-between to provide a “proper” match for their daughter.
Marriage by Go-Between
It is only in relatively recent times in Japan that a nakōdo (go-between) has been used to arrange marriages, as young people began marrying outside their own villages. However, for many, the nakōdo has become a status symbol. It is a common view that the more important the go-between, the greater the assurance that the newlyweds will have a successful future. So a distinguished person in the community may participate in the wedding ceremony and have the title nakōdo even though a different person has arranged the marriage.
The job of the nakōdo is to arrange for the young people to meet. If all is well, he will also make the wedding plans.
The nakōdo chosen by Hiroko’s parents was a prominent older couple in the community. They arranged for “a marriage interview” with the prospective groom, Katsumi. Tea and cakes were served and the nakōdo couple and the parents left the room, allowing the young people to get to know each other better. Afterward, the nakōdo talked to each young person privately to see if they were interested in carrying the relationship any farther.
Here is one advantage of having a nakōdo. Since it is considered impolite in Japan to disagree point-blank with someone, a go-between is often used to refuse politely on behalf of the declining party. Hiroko’s family had encouraged her beforehand, and so when she was formally introduced to Katsumi they agreed to continue the relationship for the sake of their families.
Young people who move to the cities may find it harder to find a marriage mate without the aid of their parents. Therefore, they may decide to pay a fee to a marriage broker, who will search his files for a suitable mate. For example, employees of the Mitsubishi Company can pay a fee of 8,000 yen ($40, U.S.) and fill out forms, which are fed to the company’s official “go-between,” a computer. In one case a young man working in a New York office and a young woman in the Tokyo office were introduced by the computer “go-between” and met for the first time in Hawaii at their wedding!
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for young people to ask their friends for help in finding a marriage partner. Many times, traveling representatives of Jehovah’s Witnesses are asked to introduce young people of like faith to each other. In some cases where a young man and a woman meet on their own and have interest in each other, it is not out of place for them to ask their parents for approval, whereupon a go-between will continue negotiations to arrange the marriage.
Perhaps those familiar with the Bible may recall the patriarch Abraham’s using a go-between to choose a wife for his son Isaac. The go-between soon found a young woman named Rebekah, who met the requirements set out by Isaac’s father. The Bible account says: “She became his wife; and he fell in love with her.” (Gen. 24:67) Often in Japan, too, love for each other comes with the passing of time after the wedding. A phrase summing up the sentiments of many Japanese goes like this: “Love matches start out hot and grow cold. Arranged marriages start out cold and grow hot.”
Wedding-Day Preparations
The wedding is an important family event and most families want it to make a favorable impression on relatives and friends. So weddings are becoming more and more expensive. An average couple will spend more than six million yen ($30,000). The wedding ceremony itself costs only about 18,000 yen ($90), with the average reception cost being 13,000 yen ($65) per person, and generally 70 to 80 guests are invited. It is not considered rude, however, to ask the guests to pay for themselves. After the dinner-reception, each guest carries home a large furoshiki (cloth carryall) of wedding gifts from the bride and groom.
Most couples rent their wedding attire from a company that deals exclusively in this. Custom has the bride wear a ceremonial long-sleeved kimono, adorned with cranes, tortoises and other symbols of good fortune and longevity. A large brocaded sash is tied in a butterfly knot to symbolize happiness. She wears a headdress known as tsuno kakushi, or horn concealer, which, when removed, is said to banish all future jealousy she might have for her husband.
Traditionally, grooms wear a formal black kimono with a divided skirt and short coat decorated with a family crest. Modern grooms may prefer a morning coat and striped trousers. The guests generally arrive in formal kimono dress.
At the Ceremony
Most weddings are performed by a Shinto priest. Only close family and the go-between and his wife attend this ceremony. The other guests will be met later at the reception. The Shinto priest first waves a large sprig of the sasaki tree as a purification rite. Next, he reads the norito (a Shinto prayer), reporting to the gods that he is going to unite these two in wedlock.
The main part of the ceremony involves the san-san-kudo, or vow-pledging cups. There are three nuptial cups of varying sizes and a pot containing consecrated sake (rice wine) taken from the altar. The miko (shrine maiden) hands the smallest cup to the groom first and pours three dashes of sake into it. The groom drinks the sake in three sips and hands the cup back to the miko. She now passes the cup to the bride, once again pouring into the cup a small amount of sake, which the bride drinks in three sips. The same formality is repeated with the other cups. The Japanese word san-san (three-three) can also mean birth after birth, which would make the san-san-kudo something of a fertility charm.
Lastly, the groom reads a written pledge (although in some cases the go-between will read it) and they offer sprigs of the sacred sasaki. Those present will receive a cup of sake and drink a toast, signifying the uniting of these two families by a marriage tie. Thus the 20-minute Shinto wedding ceremony comes to a close.
Buddhist weddings are similar, although less frequently held. There are also church wedding ceremonies in Japan.
Weddings Among Jehovah’s Witnesses
Compared to the above-mentioned ceremonies Jehovah’s Witnesses’ weddings are unique. The audience is filled with family and friends. A close friend of the bride and groom gives a heartwarming talk from the Bible. Usually he explains the origin of the marriage arrangement. Both are reminded that a key to a successful marriage is 100-percent cooperation, with earnest effort on the part of both husband and wife. No rituals are performed but the young couple and their guests get practical guidance from the Bible. (An example is Ephesians 5:22-33.)
In Japan, religious services performed on the wedding day are not recognized by the State. A person is not considered legally married until he has the Certificate of Acceptance of Notification of Marriage from the ward or city office. However, most couples do want to have a religious ceremony of some type. While other religious organizations charge for their marriage services, among Jehovah’s Witnesses the presiding minister and others connected with the wedding arrangement offer their services without charge.
After the Wedding
Is it possible to be happily married if you find yourself the mate of someone you’ve been introduced to by a go-between? The woman mentioned in the beginning of our article says: “I went through the first years of my marriage thinking it was my ‘fate’ and somehow I must try to find some happiness.” Then a change took place. She explains: “When we both began studying the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses and got baptized, I felt truly happy that I had married him.”
But not all married couples experience this happiness. Since 1963, the divorce rate has been rising steadily in Japan, although it is still lower than in most countries. A Health and Welfare Ministry survey reported that 55.3 percent of the divorces were demanded by the wife, despite the fact that only 2.7 percent of them received any alimony. Besides incompatibility, infidelity and economic reasons, the inability to communicate and the lack of consideration were listed as the bases for most divorces.
Might proper instruction help to overcome some of these problems? Says a woman who was married in a church in Japan: “When I think back on it, I was not expecting to find real enjoyment in my marriage. We felt it would be showing weakness on our part if we asked for outside help to solve any of our problems. But after our daughter was born, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to my door. When I began to study the Bible with them, for the first time I learned what marriage is all about—that cooperation with my husband is necessary for a happy household. The ‘two-become-one-flesh’ principle had a big influence in every aspect of our family life. I learned that there truly is more happiness in giving than in receiving.” (Matt. 19:4, 5) Proper instruction from the Bible has been a definite aid to this household.
How about you? Would you consider using a go-between in choosing a mate? Or will you wait until you fall in love and marry someone of your own choice? Each has advantages, but neither guarantees happiness. For a truly happy marriage you need guidance from the “happy God,” Jehovah, the originator of the marriage arrangement.—1 Tim. 1:11.
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Traditional Japanese wedding attire
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“Horn concealer” headdress