Peace in the Stepfamily

• ‘Stepfather reportedly loses his patience and beats young stepson to death.’

• ‘Teenager kills her stepfather with her pistol blazing,’ according to police report.

• ‘Fourteen-year-old boy shot by stepmother, who reportedly became fed up with his behavior.’

“STEPFAMILY households can be most stressful places,” explains Dr. John Visher, cofounder of the Stepfamily Association of America. “When people go into the relationship with unrealistic expectations, they are likely to complain they are under considerable strain.” Because of snowballing divorce rates, stepfamilies have dramatically increased. But sadly, 44 percent of these fail within the first five years! Yet, many have coped with the unique problems of blending two families into one. Application of the following Bible principles was vital.

“Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than one who is haughty in spirit. Do not hurry . . . to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:8, 9) Patience is critical! Relationships must be established that are taken for granted in natural families. You are not an “instant family.” Experts say that the process of developing a sense of “we” may take from four to seven years. In the beginning period, stepparents should take it easy. Try not to be easily offended if initial efforts to befriend stepchildren are rejected.

“By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) A headstrong, presumptuous attitude​—on the part of either children or parents—​leads to conflict. Have regular sessions when you can consult together as a family and talk out problems. Learn to express your feelings in a way that shows a sensitivity for others. The more you get to know about the “new” family members through open communication, the closer you will become.

“He that is showing insight in a matter will find good, and happy is he that is trusting in Jehovah.” (Proverbs 16:20) Insight involves looking beyond the obvious and being able to identify the reasons for certain attitudes and behavior. (See interview on opposite page.) This quality can help you see the good in others.

For instance, during an explosive discussion, one stepmother interrupted and suggested: “Let’s all tell one thing about each other we dislike, and then follow it immediately with something we really like.” Later, she wrote: “We were amazed at all the good traits we appreciated in each other.” Tears and hugging followed. In another home, a teen rebelled when his mom remarried, but insight brought peace. “After a few months, I realized that this is the man that makes my mother happy,” said Jeff. “And that’s all that’s important.”

But whether you will apply these principles or not depends on your spirituality. “Trusting in Jehovah,” desiring to please him, is the key to peace in a stepfamily.