Young People Ask . . .

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

The rapid spread of AIDS has focused world attention on the subject of homosexuality, bringing into the open many questions and fears among youths relative to their own sexuality. This article serves to address some of these fears in a dignified, helpful way.

‘I AM a girl and I have a funny feeling about one of my teachers. I am afraid I might be in love with her or something.’ So wrote one 13-year-old girl. Her predicament is not unusual. The book Adolescence notes that the subject of homosexuality “arouses considerable anxiety among many adolescents . . . It is not uncommon for adolescents to wonder if they themselves are homosexuals.”

Alan, now a young adult, recalls: “Mark was my first real friend. Prior to this, I had been the oddball in school, shunned because of my interest in the arts and a lack of interest in sports. Mark’s friendship stirred in me warm feelings of admiration. I loved him in the sense of wanting to be with him and in wanting to be just like him. But I worried if these sudden strong feelings could be a manifestation of latent homosexual tendencies.”

Where do such feelings come from? Are they necessarily evil?

The Origin of Same-Sex Crushes

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel close to others. “There exists a friend sticking closer than a brother,” says Proverbs 18:24. A number of close relationships, free of homosexual overtones, are thus highlighted in the Bible; for example, Jesus and the apostle John, Naomi and Ruth, and David and Jonathan.​—Ruth 1:16, 17; 1 Samuel 18:1; John 13:23.

Same-sex crushes, however, differ from mature relationships based on friendship or respect in that such crushes are mere infatuations that usually are one-sided. The object of the crush is often an older youth or adult (such as a teacher) who may be virtually idolized.

Most experts believe that such a crush is little more than a short-lived growing pain, “more of an indication of the developmental process of adolescence than of homosexuality.” (Coping With Teenage Depression, by Kathleen McCoy) Youths are groping for identity, acceptance. As writer Sally Helgesen put it: “We often turn to older [youths] who appear to represent what we would like to become and try to pattern ourselves upon them.”

Infatuation with members of the same sex may also develop because of loneliness, a lack of self-esteem, or a need for emotional support. Recalls Alan: “The main factor was my emotional instability and self-alienation from my parents. Not feeling I could communicate with them, I confided more and more in Mark.”

Dr. Richard E. Kreipe says that “crush relationships should not be considered ‘homosexual’ since they rarely result in intimate contact. Likewise, such behavior does not predict future homosexual orientation as an adult.” (Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality) Alan thus says: “My fears concerning my feelings toward Mark were eased. I realized that there really wasn’t anything ‘wrong’ with me after all!”

Nevertheless, same-sex crushes often give birth to depression, jealousies, possessiveness, and virtual obsession with the one idolized​—unhealthy emotions, indeed! How can you rid yourself of such feelings? Begin by taking a cool, objective look at the person you so idolize. Is it not true that he or she is just human, subject to all manner of frailties and shortcomings? (Romans 3:23) Fortunately, teenagers usually outgrow such crushes as they mature and begin to feel secure about themselves.

A Need to Keep on Guard

What, though, if the crush includes erotic thoughts or dreams about someone of the same sex? Remember, you are in “the bloom of youth”​—the time when you are subject to an onslaught of new desires and feelings. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Until you learn how to handle these impulses, you may be subject to unwanted sexual arousal. And while it can be distressing to feel attracted to someone of your sex, it does not mean you will become a homosexual. Most youths outgrow such feelings.

Still, there is a need to guard against becoming ensnared by homosexuality. The Bible warns at 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10: “Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men, (“homosexual perverts,” Today’s English Version) . . . will inherit God’s kingdom.”​—Compare Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26, 27.

A youth who dwells on immoral thoughts runs the serious risk of having fantasy become reality. (James 1:14, 15) Surveys reveal that especially among preteenagers, “sexual play” among youths of the same sex is alarmingly common. True, most experts agree that this seldom leads to a life of homosexuality. Nevertheless, such “sexual play” (though perhaps done without a real comprehension of its moral implications) is unclean and could even amount to por·neiʹa​—the Greek word used in the Bible to describe immoral sexual conduct with another person. (Jude 7) Such conduct not only is displeasing to Jehovah but could lead a youth into homosexual acts and leave lasting emotional scars.

So if erotic thoughts about others of the same sex occur, work hard to keep your mind on things that are ‘righteous, chaste, and lovable.’ (Philippians 4:8) Avoid things that arouse immoral desires, such as certain TV shows, pornographic films, and perhaps even some fashion or bodybuilding magazines featuring lightly clad models. Dave, who was plagued by homosexual fantasies and dreams when he was a teenager, admits: “I’m sure that both masturbation and pornography directly contributed to these dreams because the things I would see in erotic literature and movies would oftentimes be relived at night.” Only by filling his mind with proper thoughts was he able to curtail the lewd fantasies.

Jason, now a Christian elder, likewise felt a sexual pull toward members of his own sex when he was younger. He admits: “I think masturbation intensified my problem with same-sex fantasies. It produced in me a daily thinking along grossly immoral lines. This built up a strong appetite for further unclean desires.” You need to ‘deaden your body members as respects fornication.’ (Colossians 3:5) Masturbation only feeds wrong desires.a

Confiding in your parents or a mature Christian also helps. Such ones may have practical advice to offer and can also monitor your progress in overcoming these feelings. Jason confided in a mature Christian and later in some congregation elders. (Proverbs 11:14) He recalls: “[My friend] told me to enlarge my circle of friends, both males and females, not always spending my time with the same ones.”

Until Jason gained control of his sexual feelings, further precautions were deemed prudent. He recalls: “I also had to learn to exercise care not to be affectionate with people of my sex who I found aroused me sexually. By affectionate, I mean by light horseplay and hugging.” Such self-discipline harmonizes with the apostle Paul’s exhortation to ‘punish your body, treating it roughly, training it to do what it should, not what it wants to do.’​—1 Corinthians 9:27, The Living Bible.

Easing Guilt Feelings

Some youths are afflicted with feelings of guilt and with doubts long after their infatuations have cooled. Some are also tormented by memories of having, as young children, unwittingly engaged in sex play of a homosexual nature.

Little would be accomplished by fretting over the distant past, especially when one has long since outgrown any attraction to the same sex.b After all, Jehovah ‘forgives in a large way’ and takes into consideration how limited one’s understanding of sexual matters was as a child. (Isaiah 55:7) We can thus ‘assure our hearts before God whenever our hearts condemn us, because God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.’ (1 John 3:19, 20) Still, talking matters over with one’s parents or with Christian elders may prove helpful.

Having a crush on someone of the same sex may be an embarrassing and distressing experience. But it need not leave a lifelong scar. It is yet one more youthful trial that can be overcome with self-discipline and the help of Jehovah God.

[Footnotes]

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Talking about your feelings with a parent or a mature Christian can help you put the matter in perspective