Watchtower ONLINE LIBRARY
Watchtower
ONLINE LIBRARY
English
  • BIBLE
  • PUBLICATIONS
  • MEETINGS
  • g89 6/8 pp. 11-13
  • How Can I Cope With Verbal Abuse?

No video available for this selection.

Sorry, there was an error loading the video.

  • How Can I Cope With Verbal Abuse?
  • Awake!—1989
  • Subheadings
  • Similar Material
  • Why They Abuse
  • Coping With the Abuse
  • Repairing Your Self-Esteem
  • “A Time to Heal”
    Awake!—1991
  • Prevention in the Home
    Awake!—1993
  • The Secret Wounds of Child Abuse
    Awake!—1991
  • Common Misconceptions
    Awake!—1993
See More
Awake!—1989
g89 6/8 pp. 11-13

Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Cope With Verbal Abuse?

“My father would never physically abuse me, but with his words he tells me things that hurt deeper and scare more than any slap ever could.”​—Ann.

“The verbal attacks made me feel worthless and would stay with me for days, even weeks. They caused mental wounds that healed in time but left scars.”​—Ken.

ANN and Ken, like thousands of other teenage youths, have been the victims of what some experts have called a systematic destruction of a youth’s self-esteem​—verbal abuse. Though no bones are broken and no bruises show, ongoing verbal attacks by parents are considered by some to be a very destructive form of child abuse.

“I felt that there was no sense in living,” recalls Marleen, who suffered verbal abuse from her mother. Low self-esteem is not uncommon among youths who are repeatedly called stupid or worthless, threatened with violence, made to feel like a failure (“You always let me down!”), or constantly blamed for mishaps (“It’s all your fault!”). Slow mental or emotional growth and destructive or withdrawn behavior are further ill effects attributed by some to verbal abuse. The Bible is thus accurate when it compares the effects of hurtful speech to “the stabs of a sword.”​—Proverbs 12:18.

Granted, what some youths call abuse often amounts to little more than parental discipline. (Ephesians 6:4) Such discipline can benefit you even if it is meted out in an unpleasant way. (Proverbs 4:13) Furthermore, parents too “stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2) So in the heat of anger, even the best of parents occasionally say things they regret. But when harsh, cruel words become a way of life, an ongoing destructive pattern, such speech may amount to serious emotional abuse.a

In such a situation, what can a youth do? First, let’s try to understand why the abuse may take place.

Why They Abuse

“Parents who abuse their children are not cruel maniacs,” claim Blair and Rita Justice, “nor do they lack love for their child.” Their study of abusive parents revealed that 85 percent of them had experienced deprivation​—if not actual physical abuse—​when they were children themselves! Many experts thus believe that much of parental abuse springs not from a youth’s misbehavior but from the parent’s raging feelings of insecurity.

Having never received adequate love and nurturing from their own mothers and fathers, some parents find it difficult to deal lovingly with their offspring. (Compare 1 John 4:19.) Minor failures on the part of their children are taken as a personal affront, unleashing a storm of criticism and ego-crunching insults.

Remember, too, since these are “critical times hard to deal with,” the pressures of making a living and of child-rearing can be crushing. (2 Timothy 3:1) Burdened by such pressures, some parents overreact to any seeming sign of rebellion on the part of a son or a daughter.

True, there is no excuse whatsoever for abusive speech. (Colossians 3:8) Parents are commanded not to “be exasperating [their] children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) Nevertheless, realizing that an abusive parent may be deeply troubled or under intense pressure can help a youth keep the hurtful talk in perspective. Having this insight may even ‘slow down anger’ on the part of the abused youth.​—Proverbs 19:11.

Coping With the Abuse

If your parents are suffering from some emotional difficulties, usually you are not responsible. You are not really in a position to do much about helping them overcome such problems. At times the abuse is so serious that a youth is wise to seek outside help, perhaps approaching a Christian elder in his local congregation.​—Isaiah 32:1, 2.

Nevertheless, often there are things you can do to make the situation more tolerable. For one thing, you can always try hard to ‘honor your parents’​—even when their behavior seems unbearable. (Ephesians 6:2) Talking back or, worse yet, screaming back at them is displeasing to God and usually succeeds only in escalating the conflict.

However, “an answer, when mild, turns away rage.” (Proverbs 15:1) In her book My Parents Are Driving Me Crazy, author Joyce Vedral proposes a situation where an angry mother has blurted out, “I curse the day you were born.” Firing back a reply like, “I curse the day I got stuck with you for a mother,” simply prolongs the argument. Vedral thus suggests a reply like: “I know I give you a hard time sometimes. It must be hard to be a parent.” Responding to rage with kindness is not easy, but it may very well put out the fires of contention.​—Compare Proverbs 26:20.

Sometimes needless confrontations can even be avoided. Reflecting on some conflicts she had with her parents as a youth, a young woman named Barbara admits: “I could have thought more before I spoke. I needed to be more discerning. If you see that your parent is already mad about something, wait till later. All it does is add more fuel to the fire.”

Another youth says: “I realize now that what usually triggered an outburst was that I didn’t do something that I was supposed to do. I became more conscious of fulfilling my chores, such as washing the dishes and taking out the garbage.” The result? Fewer confrontations.

Repairing Your Self-Esteem

Still, verbal abuse can shatter one’s self-esteem. Ann (mentioned at the outset) admits: “Sometimes I even start to believe that I’m stupid and I’m not good enough, and that I’m a burden.” How can you rid yourself of such negative feelings?

Many youths manage to survive their difficult home environment and prove to be quite intact emotionally. Studies reveal that such youths “usually have at least one person in their life who is looking out for them.” As Janet Drobes, a psychiatric social worker, explains: “Youths need to spend time with people who are positive and who value them.” Perhaps you still relate well to at least one of your parents and can draw close to that one. The Christian congregation also has any number of caring individuals who can be a real help and support to you.​—Proverbs 13:20.

Taking up a productive hobby, such as learning to play a musical instrument or mastering a foreign language, can also help boost your self-esteem. And helping others to learn God’s Word is a particularly satisfying activity​—especially as you see God bless your efforts! (Compare 1 Corinthians 3:6-9.) Says Ann: “Through the [full-time] ministry that Jehovah has lovingly allowed me to share in, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as stupid as my father would like to think.”

Fortunately, even the worst situations do not last forever. And your parents’ actions in no way doom you to being a poor parent yourself one day. God’s Word can have a far greater influence on what kind of parent you will be than any poor example set by your parents. In the meantime, look to Jehovah God to help you endure. Your efforts to conduct yourself properly in the face of abuse make his heart rejoice.​—Proverbs 27:11.

It is even possible that your mature handling of matters will move your parents to change. Says Marleen, the formerly distraught girl mentioned at the outset: “All my life it was my mother yelling and me answering her back. But now I try to put into practice what God’s Word says. It works. Mom’s attitude has started to change. By applying the Bible, I came to understand her better. Our relationship improved.” By your taking the initiative, yours can too.

[Footnotes]

a A Fact Sheet, published by the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse (U.S.), says: “It is important to note that emotional abuse is characterized by a pervasive pattern of negative parental behaviors and not simply by isolated incidents or the normal ebb and flow of parental emotions.”​—Italics ours.

[Blurb on page 12]

A study revealed that 85 percent of abusive parents had experienced abuse when they were children

[Picture on page 13]

Taking up a productive hobby, such as learning to play a musical instrument, can boost self-esteem

    English Publications (1950-2026)
    Log Out
    Log In
    • English
    • Share
    • Preferences
    • Copyright © 2025 Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania
    • Terms of Use
    • Privacy Policy
    • Privacy Settings
    • JW.ORG
    • Log In
    Share