Young People Ask . . .

What’s the Harm in Using Sarcasm?

‘You’re pretty smart . . . for an idiot!’

‘That’s a beautiful dress. Too bad it didn’t come in your size!’

‘The last time I saw makeup like that was at the circus.’

RAZOR-SHARP words, regardless of their intent, can cut deeply into one’s self-esteem. Even when spoken in jest, sarcastic words can result in enemies, hurt feelings, ruined friendships.

It may be, though, that you have a “gift” for sarcasm. Friends howl at your stinging one-liners and put-downs. They cheer you on and encourage you to weave more clever words. Or it may be that sarcasm has become your primary means of self-defense. Armed with weaponlike words, you wound and cripple anyone who poses any sort of threat to your well-being​—or to your ego. You may even occasionally find yourself saying harsh words to your parents or siblings.

There is a place for sarcasm. In its milder forms, it can be amusing. And at times sarcasm can express deep feelings. Why, the Bible shows that the apostle Paul, Job, and even God himself used sarcasm to express righteous indignation. (Job 12:2; Zechariah 11:13; 2 Corinthians 12:13) However, unkind or cruel sarcasm is nothing less than violent, aggressive behavior. As author Mary Susan Miller points out in her book Childstress!, it is a form of “knifing and mugging,” only with “more socially acceptable weapons” than guns or knives.

Still, many view the making of a cuttingly sarcastic remark as just another way to express humor. What, then, is the harm in doing so?

Just Harmless Fun?

“On my job,” says Eric, “everybody uses sarcasm. Most of the time it’s understood as a joke.” Interestingly, The New York Times reports: “Psychologists repeatedly say . . . that men react more enthusiastically than women to ‘aggressive’ humor.” Teenage boys, then, may take particular delight in teasing, badgering, and harassing others verbally.

Granted, mild sarcasm may be humorous. But when sarcasm is meanspirited, the pain of the cutting remark may remain long after the laughter fades. (Compare Proverbs 14:13.) Often a playful war of wits becomes a heated argument. As one young man put it: “When you’ve been deeply hurt by what someone has said, you may react by coming back with the most hurtful thing you can think of. Then it’s no longer just joking; you’re actually trying to hurt the other person. And sarcasm can be a very effective weapon.”

Indeed, the English word “sarcasm” is derived from a Greek verb that literally means “to tear flesh like dogs.” (Compare Galatians 5:15.) Just as a dog uses his sharp incisor teeth to tear flesh off a bone, a sarcastic person can strip another of his dignity. As the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography says: “The core of sarcasm . . . is open hostility or contempt.” It matters little if it’s a direct attack, a subtle put-down, or a slip of the tongue. An unkind, sarcastic remark makes someone an object of derision​—a victim.

With what effects? As 19-year-old Josh puts it: “Sarcasm can make you feel really dumb.” The damage, though, may be far more long-lasting. In her book Toxic Parents, Dr. Susan Forward notes the effects of verbal battering by parents: “I’ve seen thousands of patients [who] have suffered a damaged sense of self-worth because a parent had . . . ‘joked’ about how stupid or ugly or unwanted they were.” Imagine, then, what might result from inflicting cruel sarcasm on a friend, an acquaintance, or a sibling. Concludes Dr. Forward: “Humor that belittles can be extremely damaging.”​—Compare Proverbs 26:18, 19.

Little wonder, then, that a book on child development concluded: “Sarcasm . . . should be forever stricken from human discourse. It usually offends, often cuts deeply, and almost never leads to productive dialogue.”

Avoid Hasty Speech

What, though, if using sarcastic speech has become an ingrained habit? Then it is high time to learn to think before you speak. Wise King Solomon said: “Have you beheld a man hasty with his words? There is more hope for someone stupid than for him.”​—Proverbs 29:20.

Hasty speech can be particularly destructive when used among family members. Why? “Because their opinions are the ones that mean the most to you,” explains 16-year-old Penny. Yet, the book Raising Good Children quotes educator John Holt as saying: “Too often family members take out on each other all the pain and frustration of their lives that they don’t dare take out on anyone else.” Family members know one another so well that they tend to be intolerant of one another’s shortcomings; tempers easily flare, and then sarcastic words fly.

For good reason the Bible admonishes: “In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly.” (Proverbs 10:19) As 18-year-old Joanne has learned: “You have to think of who you’re talking to and what you’re going to say before you talk.” If you find yourself emotionally upset, do not be quick to express your feelings. Instead, pause for a moment and ask yourself: ‘Are the words I feel like saying kind? Are they necessary? Will I later be sorry for what I’ve said?’

By weighing your words carefully, you can avoid hurting the feelings of others, and you spare yourself unnecessary shame and embarrassment.

When You Are the Victim

What, though, if you are on the receiving end of sarcasm, perhaps from friends or schoolmates? Before succumbing to the urge to retaliate, realize that we are living in “critical times hard to deal with.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Youths face huge pressures. Notes the book The Loneliness of Children: “Children . . . bring to their schools all the prejudices, resentments, aggressiveness, and pent-up hostilities they have been taught at home.” Such hostilities are often released in the form of cruel speech.

Knowing this can help you avoid the tendency to retaliate when victimized. (Compare Proverbs 19:11.) It also helps to remember the apostle Paul’s words: “Return evil for evil to no one.” (Romans 12:17) ‘Turning the other cheek’ to someone who has slapped you verbally takes real self-control. (Matthew 5:39) But it does not mean that you must make no response whatsoever when sarcastic speech amounts to an insult​—or a threat. The book Violence, by coauthor Irwin Kutash, observes: “Affronts that are not successfully counteracted can have far-reaching effects for victims . . . These victims become easy targets for further victimization.”

At times, then, circumstances may warrant your counteracting a verbal attack, not by lashing back with spiteful words, but by calmly and peacefully speaking to the abuser in private.a (Proverbs 15:1) Joanne tried this, telling a classmate: “I didn’t appreciate the comment you made in front of the class. It was really hurtful.” The result? Says Joanne: “Since then he’s respected me and hasn’t said anything else.”

Twenty-year-old David, however, points to another source of hurtful speech, saying: “Your parents are supposed to love you the most; yet, they are sometimes the ones that make the most biting comments.” Of course, this is often done in innocence; in trying to correct you, they unwittingly crush you. Why not try talking to your parents about it, letting them know how you feel? Perhaps they’ll be more sensitive to your feelings next time.

Finally, it helps if you do not take yourself too seriously. Author Donald W. Ball observes: “The effectiveness of sarcasm . . . lies in its imagined consequences.” Yes, don’t blow an incident out of proportion by imagining that you have sustained irreparable damage because of one unkind remark. Keep a sense of humor!

The best way to avoid being a victim of sarcasm, though, is to avoid using it yourself. Says the Golden Rule: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” (Matthew 7:12) When you apply this rule, you can avoid being a user​—and perhaps a victim—​of hurtful, sarcastic speech.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 18]

Sarcasm can hurt