Young People Ask . . .

Why Is My Curfew So Strict?

LEN enjoyed staying out late with his friends. But his father soon learned that Len’s late-​night antics were anything but innocent fun. “Once I got into so much trouble,” recalls Len, “that I was not allowed to leave my room for two weeks​—except for meals and school. I was not to be caught even looking out the window! When my punishment was over, I went out with some friends and stayed out till midnight. Pulling into the driveway, I saw my father sitting on the front porch waiting for me . . .”

Many youths resent having their comings and goings monitored by their parents. Says one young girl: “When I became a teenager, my parents started putting all kinds of restraints on me, like coming in by midnight. I really resented it.” When such youths act out their resentment by a show of defiance, the usual result is, not more freedom, but more and tighter restrictions.

For minor infractions the penalty may simply be that the curfew is moved to an earlier hour. For more serious offenses, a youth may be deprived of certain privileges, or he may be temporarily grounded. “If you come in late on Saturday night,” explains one teenage girl, “you might not be able to go out at all on the following Saturday.” And then there is ‘solitary confinement’: no visitors, no phone calls, no television. But for some youths, the most agonizing punishment of all is being lectured. “Oh, the guilt trip!” exclaims one teenage boy. “They start talking about how they were so worried about you. The guilt is terrible.”

Isn’t it true, though, that your parents love you and have the right to demand that you be home at a reasonable hour? And when you are not, they are bound to feel uneasy, anxious, perhaps even unable to sleep. A youth who truly loves and cares for his parents would surely not want to be responsible for such needless anxiety. Would it not show extreme selfishness?

Many youths feel, however, that their parents have put them under restrictions that are unfair or unreasonable. “They’re crazy, trying to treat me like a fifteen-​year-​old,” protests 18-​year-​old Fred. “I just refuse to do what he says and my father and I are in a real battle about it.” But there are better ways to deal with your parents than resorting to defiance.

Fair or Unfair?

First of all, just how unfair are those restrictions? As a previous article showed, your parents probably have legitimate reasons to fear for your safety and well-​being.a Are not other Christian youths your age under similar restrictions? If so, what valid grounds do you have to question your parents’ judgment?

Young Len, mentioned at the outset, didn’t grasp that his father had his best interests at heart. You’ll recall that he broke his curfew, only to find his father waiting for him on the front porch. Len’s solution? More disobedience. “As the car pulled into the driveway, I scooted down in the car seat so Dad couldn’t see me, and I asked my friend to pull out. I decided that I was going to leave home.” Len did leave home and began associating with a wild crowd that led him into sexual immorality, car theft, and drug abuse. Eventually, he landed in jail. An extreme case? Perhaps. But it well illustrates the truthfulness of Proverbs 1:32: “For the renegading of the inexperienced ones is what will kill them.”

Some youths may not object to the idea of a curfew in principle, but they resent that their siblings seem to have more freedom than they do. “My older brother Mark used to stay out as late as he wanted,” complains a youth named Patti, “but he never got grounded. Me​—if I’m in even a few minutes late, it’s all over! It’s not fair.” It’s easy to see why such a situation might upset you. But before you cry “unfair!” consider the Bible principles set forth at Galatians 6:4, 5: “Let each one prove what his own work is, and then he will have cause for exultation in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person. For each one will carry his own load.”

You are an individual. And the fact that an older sibling enjoys certain privileges does not necessarily entitle you to the same. Likely your older sibling had to prove his or her dependability over a period of time. You will too. Besides, don’t you hate it when a parent compares you to an older brother or sister? Why do the same yourself by comparing your different privileges? In his book “After All We’ve Done for Them,” Dr. Louis Fine notes: “Parents often do treat and discipline their children differently from one another. This could be because they recognize that their children are individuals with distinct needs and capabilities and should be regarded as different.”

Sometimes, though, youths feel they are being made to pay for an older sibling’s mistakes. “Just because my sister took the car out and stayed out too late, my staying out late is automatically ruled out. I’m not even given a chance to prove myself!” This situation, though, may not be nearly as unjust as it appears. Your parents are older and wiser than they were when they raised your brother or sister. Not wanting to repeat their mistakes, they may be a bit stricter with you.

But why be punished for coming in a little late? No doubt about it, being grounded is not fun. So you usually think twice about coming home late again. Young Marcus puts it this way: “I have been punished a lot of times. . . . If you weren’t punished, you’d never learn anything.” As the Bible says, “he that is holding to discipline is a path to life.”​—Proverbs 10:17.

Overprotective Parents

Admittedly, it sometimes seems that the punishment far exceeds the “crime.” Parents may be a bit overprotective and perhaps be unreasonable in their demands. Good communication, however, often nips problems in the bud. If you let your parents know where you are going, what you will be doing, whom you will be with, and when you will get back, they will probably be more willing to grant you some latitude. If they appear to be unreasonable, try approaching them at “the right time”​—perhaps when they are calm and rested. (Proverbs 25:11) Acknowledge their fears and concerns. Assure them of your love for them and your desire to cooperate. Help them appreciate that gaining more freedom is part of becoming an adult.

“You also have to let them know exactly what the situation is,” says one teenage girl. “When you explain why you can’t be home early on a certain occasion, they usually understand.” By talking matters over in a mature manner, you impress upon your parents that you are responsible​—someone who can be trusted. If your parents still have reservations, perhaps you could suggest a reasonable compromise.

What if permission is granted? Then ‘let your Yes mean Yes,’ and be home on time! (Matthew 5:37) True, even the best-​laid plans can go awry. (Compare James 4:13, 14.) An emergency or sudden change in plans can occur. If so, call home if possible, and let your parents know what’s going on. “As long as my mother knows where I am and that I’m on my way, she’s OK,” says one teenager.

Establishing a good track record is another important measure. Proverbs 20:11 says: “Even by his practices a boy makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright.” If you set a pattern of obedience and upright conduct, your parents may remain calm if you come in a bit late on one occasion. Of course, even with Jesus’ record of perfect conduct, his parents became ‘mentally distressed’ when he was missing. (Luke 2:48) So don’t be surprised if your parents become upset​—so upset that they initially may not allow you to explain why you were late!

Proverbs 29:11 says: “All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” Let the storm of their anger blow over. When things have calmed down a bit, offer an explanation. But “speak truth.” (Ephesians 4:25) Do not make up far-​fetched excuses; that would only prove that you can’t be trusted. If you were careless or forgetful, offer a sincere apology, and be willing to accept punishment. Perhaps your folks will see no need to take matters any further. But then again, they may feel that some further restrictions are in order, and you will simply have to win back their confidence.

Curfews may be inconvenient, but they are hardly cruel and unusual punishment. Take them in stride. If you cooperate with your parents and avoid a defiant spirit, they may even decide that they should lighten up a bit and give you more freedom.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 23]

Defying your parents usually results in further limits on your freedom