Easing the Burdens of Death
FUNERAL customs and burial practices vary greatly from country to country and from culture to culture. Governmental regulations may stipulate some procedures that must be followed. The most decisive factor, however, is usually the religious beliefs of the family and the community. “The study of death rites and customs illustrates impressively the relation between religious belief and popular practice in the presence of the dead,” states The New Encyclopædia Britannica.
Consider a Hindu funeral in India. The body is prepared for cremation according to the rites of the particular sect. “Holy water,” preferably from the Ganges River, is sprinkled on the floor. A white sheet is then placed over this area, and the body is laid upon it. Sweet-smelling incense is burned in the belief that it will bring clean spirits to the area. Sandalwood paste and a red powder are applied to the face. The body is bathed and then covered with a white cloth over which flowers are strewed. The body is then carried with head forward on a bamboo stretcher to the burning ghat (place for cremation). There the stretcher is reversed to position the body with feet forward, toward the burning ghat, to indicate that it is looking ahead to future life. The funeral pyre is lit by the eldest son, for it is believed that only in this way will the “soul” of the deceased find peace. Afterward, the ashes are collected and consigned to one of India’s “holy” rivers.
In Papua New Guinea, it is customary for relatives to keep in close contact with the dead body, kissing it, crying over it, making it promises, and asking forgiveness for sins committed against the dead person. Mourning is intense, and the crooning of dirges adds to the sadness. It is the custom to have at least two lavish feasts sometime after the death to honor the “spirit” of the dead person and ward off any retribution it may bring.
In Africa, funeral practices and traditions lay emphasis on belief in the immortality of the soul. A need to appease the dead is felt, lest they wreak havoc on their relatives. A lot of money is spent and many sacrifices offered in hopes that the dead will show the living favor. Many believe in reincarnation, that the dead one will return either as an animal to be honored worshipfully or as another family member through a woman then pregnant. “Thus,” a report from Nigeria says, “special care is taken while dressing a corpse to ensure that everything is in shape. For instance, it is believed that if the hand of the dead person is not straight in the coffin, it will show up as a birth defect when the person reincarnates. Or a dead man who is not properly dressed will reincarnate as a madman.” Fear of the dead and their presumed control over the living are often factors in the conduct at African funerals.
In many parts of rural Greece, long and elaborate ceremonies also take place after a death. “During the five years that follow, female relatives of the deceased prepare and direct many memorial services,” notes Science magazine. “For the wives, mothers, and daughters, mourning becomes a defining role. They will visit the grave each night to light candles, clean the headstone, talk to the dead, sing lamentations, and weep. The perfect performance of these rituals, they believe, will help the soul of the loved one into heaven.” Eventually, the bones of the deceased are dug up and deposited in a common village vault.
Most funerals in Japan conform to Buddhist rites. After the body is washed and dressed, it is covered with a white sheet, and a knife is placed on the chest to ward off evil spirits. As candles and incense burn, a priest will recite sutras (passages from Buddhist canonical literature) at the bedside and give the deceased a posthumous Buddhist name for which, depending on the number of characters used, a large sum of money must be paid. The body is then placed in an unpainted wooden coffin. An all-night wake or a shorter half wake is held to mourn the dead and pray for the repose of the soul. As the priest recites sutras, mourners take turns burning a pinch of incense. Similar rites take place the following day during the funeral service before an altar upon which the coffin, a picture of the deceased, and other Buddhist ritual implements are placed. Cremation, required by law, then takes place. For some time thereafter, incense will be burned at intervals and a priest will recite sutras until it is believed that the soul has lost its influence over human affairs and melts into the ancestral soul of the universal nature.
Make Your Wishes Known
Rather than alleviating the stress that accompanies the death of a loved one, funeral practices such as these often add greater burdens. One is cost. Impressive funerals do not come cheap. Priests usually expect large donations or payments for their services. Lavish feasts and ceremonies are also very expensive. There may even be pressure to go beyond the dead one’s wishes or to engage in rites in which he did not believe. Loud can be the complaint from family or friends that the deceased will not be given a proper and decent burial according to community standards. If you have any wishes about how your funeral is to be conducted, you will be wise to put them down in writing and have the document witnessed.
A Japanese housewife learned this lesson when her 85-year-old father died. He had asked for a simple memorial service with just family members present. However, this brought much criticism from those who favored the conventional funeral program. Afterward, his daughter wrote the Asahi Shimbun newspaper of Tokyo: “If one wants to have a funeral that is different from others, however rational that may seem to oneself, it is best to talk it over with one’s family in daily conversation and have their agreement on the idea. It is also important to leave one’s wishes in writing so that the bereaved family members can deal with the criticism.”
It is even more important to do so when you have strong religious beliefs that go counter to local practice. For instance, a Christian in Japan may fear that if he should die, his non-Christian relatives would bow down in worshipful reverence before his coffin or picture at the time of the funeral as they would in front of a Buddhist altar. So he could stipulate beforehand in his written instructions that after people bid farewell to him at home, his body should be cremated and afterward a simple memorial service be held where neither casket nor picture is present. To avoid problems, the relatives can be informed of the procedure beforehand.
Dealing With the Death Industry
Up until about a hundred years ago, most people died at home, surrounded by friends and family. Children were not excluded from attendance at deathbeds and learned of death in this manner. But all of this has changed in the advanced, industrial countries of the world. Many dying people are whisked away to hospitals, and efforts are made to extend their lives. “Instead of perceiving death as something natural, modern physicians have come to see it as bad or alien, a defeat of all their therapeutic endeavours, at times almost as a personal defeat,” states The New Encyclopædia Britannica. “Sickness is treated with all possible weapons, often without sufficient thought for the sick person—at times even without thought as to whether there is still a ‘person’ at all.”
The average funeral in the United States now costs over $3,000—and that does not include the cemetery plot. The tendency in dealing with a sympathetic funeral director is to forget that he is in the business to make money. “The profit motive is very much alive in the final-arrangements industry,” says the magazine Changing Times. “And as in any commercial realm, the buyer risks getting hustled, bamboozled, overcharged or shortchanged by an unethical seller. In fact, the risk is higher because most people are buying for the first time, they are bereaved and they must act quickly.”
However, there are other options. One is to set aside the money for your funeral yourself. This can be done by means of a special bank savings account placed in trust for a survivor. According to U.S. banking laws, the money in such an account (called a Totten trust) can be withdrawn by the beneficiary upon showing identification and proof of death. Meanwhile, the funds stay in your control. Life-insurance policies with a solid, reputable company are another option. If married, make sure that your mate is informed, particularly in regard to financial matters. Making a will is also very beneficial. The odds are against both of you dying at the same time. In most cases wives survive their husbands. Often wives find themselves ignorant of these things, which adds to their heartache and pain. As death may come unexpectedly, do not postpone discussing these matters with your family.
Handling Grief
A person who has endured the loss of a loved one has suffered a great hurt. The need to cry and mourn will be ever-present until the death can be accepted. The length of the grieving process varies from individual to individual. Some may come to terms with their loss fairly soon, while others may take a year or more. A few never stop grieving. How can one learn to cope?
It is important that you do not isolate yourself and withdraw from society. Getting back into the routine of life and keeping in touch with friends and relatives by phone or through visits are essential to recovering from grief. Although there are times when you need to be alone, it should not become a habit. Help people to reach out to you by your reaching out to them.
Some good advice was given by a man who suffered the loss of five close relatives in but a three-year span, including his mother and his beloved wife of 41 years, who had a prolonged bout with cancer. He commented: “I’ve certainly had my share of grief. At times I would cry. But you have to look at life realistically. You must accept life as it is, not as you would like it to be. You need to adjust to the adversity and accept death, rather than grieve endlessly.”
It is important to give support and encouragement to grieving ones. Unfortunately, most of us feel unqualified to do so and are at a loss as to what to say. We may even feel embarrassed by displays of emotion. Therefore the tendency is to shy away from the grieving one—just when that one needs us most. Some have even been accused of crossing the street and walking down the other side just to avoid having to talk to someone who is bereaved! Said one widow: “I was left alone to grieve. I desperately needed to talk but nobody would listen.”
Others who do rush in and give support at the time of death often drop off just as quickly. “After a death, it sometimes takes weeks or months before a bereaved person can overcome the initial shock. That is when support is most important and is least available,” says psychology professor Patricia Minnes. And it is a mistake to conclude that those who do not exhibit intense distress are either cold and unloving, denying the loss, or have got over it. Some may simply have more inner strength to bear their grief, but they also have need of comfort and support.
How wonderful it is, then, when friends step in to assist the bereaved to care for matters and procure the needed documents! How reassuring it is to have someone’s firm, supporting hand and clear head when funeral arrangements are made! How appreciated it is when someone assists with the children and sees to the needs of visiting relatives and friends! How thoughtful it is when friends and neighbors bring over food day after day and offer to do chores or take mourning ones where they want to go! How great it is to have someone with whom grieving ones can discuss their feelings! How comforting it is to hear words of consolation and feel a warm touch! How good it is when, even months later, inquiries are made as to how the grieving ones are and a loving word is spoken!
But having a hope for the future is most helpful. Is there such a hope?
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“You must accept life as it is, not as you would like it to be”
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What Shall We Tell the Children?
Tell them the truth, according to the level of their understanding. Speak of death and dying as such, and avoid ambiguous terms. If you say, “Grandpa is gone” or, “We lost Grandpa,” the child may expect Grandpa to return or to be “found.” Help the child understand the reality of death, and answer questions Scripturally. A child can be introduced to death through nature. You might explain the death of animals, birds, or bugs. Be patient, and correct wrong thoughts a child may have obtained from movies or TV. Completely shielding children from death may produce anger or fear of the unknown.
A young child may feel responsible for the death, particularly if he had angry feelings toward the one who died. Help the child to understand that he is not at fault, so as to avoid feelings of guilt.
Fear of abandonment is very real to children who have lost a parent. Calm them as much as possible, and let them know that they will be loved and cared for. A child may also feel angry. If told that God took his parent, he may feel hatred for God. Knowing Bible truth helps in these matters. Reassure the child, and give him love and support.
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Give support and encouragement to grieving ones