Young People Ask . . .

How Can Unwed Mothers Make the Most of Their Situation?

LINDA’S emotions included shock, denial, fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair.a Testing had confirmed her worst fear​—she was three months pregnant. Unmarried and only 15 years old, Linda is just one of a million teens each year in the United States who get pregnant. Teen pregnancy, however, is a global problem, cutting across all ethnic and socioeconomic lines.

Some teenage girls imagine that a pregnancy will rescue them from an unhappy home life or solidify a relationship with a boyfriend. Others see a baby as a status symbol or as something of their own to hold and to love. The stark reality of single parenthood, however, soon dispels such fanciful notions. An unwed mother is forced to make tough, often agonizing, choices. She may also grapple with economic problems, emotional despair, loneliness, and the stresses of rearing a child without a mate. With good reason, then, our Creator commands Christians to “flee from fornication,” including premarital sex.​—1 Corinthians 6:18; Isaiah 48:17.

Sexual immorality is not tolerated among Jehovah’s Witnesses. (1 Corinthians 5:11-13) Even so, among them there are young unwed mothers. Some became pregnant before learning God’s standards. Others were raised as Christians, but fell into immorality. Some, having been disciplined by the congregation, repent of their wrongs. What help and direction does God’s Word offer for such youths?b

Should I Marry the Father?

The Bible makes it clear that abortion is against God’s law. (Exodus 20:13; compare Exodus 21:22, 23; Psalm 139:14-16.) It also teaches that a single mother has a responsibility to provide for her child, in spite of the undesirable circumstances of the child’s conception. (1 Timothy 5:8) In most cases, it is best for the girl to raise the child herself rather than put it up for adoption.c

In view of the hardships that raising a child by herself can bring, some mothers may feel it would be wise to marry the father of the child. But many teenage fathers feel little obligation to either the child or its mother. Besides, most young fathers are still of school age and unemployed. Entering into what one researcher calls “a potentially unstable marriage undertaken solely to prevent an out-​of-​wedlock birth” may only make a bad situation worse. Remember too that the Bible directs Christians to marry “only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39) Realizing this, Linda (mentioned at the outset) decided against marrying the 18-​year-​old father of her child. She explains: “He had no interest in God or the Bible.”

This does not necessarily mean leaving the young father out of the picture entirely. As the young child gets older, he may want to know his biological father. Or it may be that the young father or his parents feel some moral obligation to have a relationship with the child or to provide some financial support. Nevertheless, a girl’s parents may prefer that she have no further contact with the young man. (1 Thessalonians 4:3) In some lands, though, the courts have granted unmarried biological fathers legal rights similar to those of married fathers. Maintaining a civil relationship with the unmarried father and his family may therefore avert a bitter custody battle.d While some contact with the young father may be necessary, it should not be in a romantic or potentially compromising setting. Mature supervision is usually advisable.

Getting Help

Says the book Surviving Teen Pregnancy: “When you decide to keep and raise your baby, you choose instant adulthood. . . . You choose to leave behind a part of yourself that was more carefree, had fewer obligations or responsibilities.” A teen parent thus needs help and support. Reading appropriate medical literature (which may be easily accessible in a public library) may do much to help a nervous young mother develop confidence in her child-​care skills.

Especially valuable is the support of parents. One’s mother may be a veritable gold mine of child-​rearing experience. True, it may be awkward to ask for help. A girl’s parents may still be hurt and angry. They may also fear that the pregnancy will impact negatively upon their own life-​style. “My parents were upset because they had all these things they wanted to do,” recalls 17-​year-​old Donna. “Now they say they can’t because of me having this baby.” In time most parents work through their painful emotions and are willing to help in some way. A repentant youth can do much to ease tensions by acknowledging the pain she has caused and offering a sincere apology.​—Compare Luke 15:21.

What if the girl’s parents refuse to help out or simply cannot afford to allow her to continue living with them? In lands where public assistance is provided, an unwed mother may have little choice but to take advantage of it​—at least initially. The Bible permits Christians to use such provisions. However, this will mean living on a very strict budget. “It seems my biggest problem is money,” says 17-​year-​old Sharon. “I can buy food and diapers, but that’s it.” In time it may be possible to work an outside job. Trying to juggle motherhood, work, and spiritual activities will not be easy, but others have managed to do it.

Using Wisdom and Discernment in Dwelling Together

If one’s parents are agreeable, there may be real advantages to staying at home rather than trying to venture out on one’s own. Living at home is usually less expensive. Furthermore, the familiar surroundings of home may offer a sense of safety and security. Staying at home may also make it easier for a girl to continue her schooling. By graduating from secondary school, a girl greatly improves her chances of escaping a life of poverty.e

Of course, having three generations share a home can create stress and strain for everyone concerned. The single mother may have to deal with cramped living quarters. Parents and siblings may have to get used to having their sleep interrupted by a baby’s cry. The family routine may be disrupted. But Proverbs 24:3 says: “By wisdom a household will be built up, and by discernment it will prove firmly established.” Yes, if all concerned display unselfish love and consideration, friction within the family can be minimized.

Problems will also arise if the young mother tries to evade carrying her own load of responsibility and expects the grandmother to do all the work. (Compare Galatians 6:5.) Or it may be that the well-​intentioned grandmother virtually commandeers the care of her grandchild. Notes the book Facing Teenage Pregnancy: “Grandparents who raise the child of an unwed daughter as if it were their own may add to family conflict and role confusion.” While a grandparent’s help and support is invaluable, the Scriptures assign the responsibility of child rearing to parents. (Ephesians 6:1, 4) Open communication and cooperation can therefore do much to prevent misunderstandings.​—Proverbs 15:22.

You Are Not Alone

Although having a child out of wedlock is difficult, it is not the end of one’s life. God ‘forgives in a large way’ those who repent of their wrongs. (Isaiah 55:7) Meditating on this can help a single mother overcome feelings of self-​loathing that may come over her at times. When feeling discouraged, she can lean upon Jehovah and approach him in prayer. She can also implore God’s help in rearing her child.​—Compare Judges 13:8.

Jehovah also provides support through the Christian congregation. Though Jehovah’s Witnesses do not condone immorality, they give consideration to those who repentantly make changes in their lives in order to please God. (Romans 15:7; Colossians 1:10) Some in the congregation may be moved to find discreet ways to render some practical assistance to a single parent. (Compare Deuteronomy 24:17-20; James 1:27.) At the very least, they can provide friendship and a hearing ear when it is needed. (Proverbs 17:17) Although the parents committed a serious sin, the child is blameless. So the congregation can help if the mother shows a right attitude.

How much better it is not to violate God’s laws in the first place! But erring ones who have repented of their wayward course, and have acted accordingly, can be assured of Jehovah’s help in making the most of their situation.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 23]

An unwed mother needs help and support