Caring for the Caregiver—How Others Can Help

“LAWRIE and I have been married for 55 years—a long time—and what happy years! If I could possibly have kept him at home, I would have. But my health started to deteriorate. In the end, I had to arrange for him to go into a nursing home. The emotional pain of relating this is almost too much for me. I love and deeply respect him and visit him as often as I can. Physically, I can do no more.”—Anna, a 78-year-old woman who for more than 10 years has cared for her husband who has Alzheimer’s disease and has also for the past 40 years cared for their daughter who has Down’s syndrome.a

Anna’s case is by no means unusual. A survey in the British Isles revealed that “in some age groups (the 40s and 50s) as many as one in every two women is a carer.” As discussed earlier, the emotional turmoil and problems that caregivers face may seem unbearable at times.

“I think at least 50% of caregivers get depressed in the first year of caregiving,” says Dr. Fredrick Sherman, of the American Geriatrics Society. For elderly people such as Anna, their own diminishing strength and deteriorating health can make the situation considerably more difficult to handle.

To help caregivers cope with their responsibilities, we need to be aware of their needs. What are those needs, and how can we respond to them?

Caregivers Need to Talk

“I needed to unburden myself,” said one woman who helped care for her dying friend. As shown in the preceding article, problems are often easier to face and deal with when they can be talked over with an understanding friend. Many caregivers who feel trapped by their circumstances find that talking about their situation helps them clarify their feelings and ease the pent-up pressure.

“I appreciated it when friends realized that both of us needed moral support,” recalls Jeanny of the time when she was taking care of her husband. She explains that those giving care need encouragement and, at times, a shoulder to cry on. Hjalmar, who helped nurse his sick brother-in-law, agrees: “I needed someone who would listen to my fears and problems and understand how I felt.” Concerning a close friend, Hjalmar adds: “It was very nice to visit him, even for just half an hour. He would listen to me. He really cared. I would feel refreshed after that.”

Caregivers can derive tremendous encouragement from an understanding listener. “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking,” the Bible wisely advises. (James 1:19) A report in The Journals of Gerontology revealed that “just knowing that support is available is often enough to provide substantial relief.”

Besides a listening ear and moral support, though, what else do caregivers need?

Providing Practical Help

“Patient and family benefit from any means by which love and encouragement can be expressed,” observes Dr. Ernest Rosenbaum. To begin with, such “love and encouragement” can be expressed during a personal visit, during a telephone call, or in a short note (possibly accompanied by flowers or some other gift).

“It was comforting when our friends made brief visits,” recalls Sue of the support her family received when her father was dying of Hodgkin’s disease. “One of my friends,” she continues, “answered the phone and helped with the washing and ironing for all of us.”

Support for caregivers can, and should, include specific, tangible assistance. Elsa recalls: “I found it helpful when friends offered practical aid. They did not merely say: ‘If ever I can do anything, let me know.’ Rather, they said: ‘I’m going shopping. What can I bring to you?’ ‘May I care for your garden?’ ‘I’m available to sit with the patient and read to her.’ Something else we found practical was arranging for visitors to leave written messages in a notebook when my sick friend was tired or sleeping. That brought all of us a great deal of pleasure.”

Specific offers of help can include any of a number of chores. Rose explains: “I appreciated help in making beds, writing letters for the patient, entertaining visitors of the patient, obtaining medication, washing and setting hair, washing dishes.” Family and friends can also help the caregiver by taking turns providing meals.

Where appropriate, it may also be practical to help with basic aspects of nursing care. For example, the caregiver may need help with feeding or washing the patient.

Concerned family members and friends may offer practical help early in the illness, but what if the sickness is long-term? Getting caught up in our own busy schedules, we may easily overlook the ongoing—and possibly mounting—pressure that caregivers face. How sad it would be if the much-needed support began to wane!

If that happens, it may be advisable for the caregiver to call a family meeting to discuss the care of the patient. It is often possible to recruit the help of friends and relatives who have indicated a willingness to assist. This is what Sue and her family did. “When needs arose,” she relates, “we remembered those who had offered to assist and phoned them. We felt that we could ask them for help.”

Give Them a Break

“It is absolutely essential,” states the book The 36-Hour Day, “both for you [the caregiver] and for [your patient]—that you have regular times to ‘get away’ from twenty-four-hour care of the chronically ill person. . . . Taking time off, away from the care of the [patient], is one of the single most important things that you can do to make it possible for you to continue to care for someone.” Do caregivers agree?

“Definitely yes,” answers Maria, who helped care for a close friend who was dying of cancer. “Periodically, I needed to be ‘let off the hook’ and to have someone else take over the care for a while.” Joan, who cares for her husband who has Alzheimer’s disease, is of the same opinion. “One of our greatest needs,” she notes, “is to have time off now and then.”

How, though, can they get time off from the pressure of their responsibilities? Jennifer, who helped care for her aged parents, indicates how she got relief: “A family friend sometimes took mother for a day to give us a break.”

You may be able to give the caregiver a break by offering to take the patient out for a while, if it is practical to do so. Joan says: “I find it refreshing when someone takes my husband out so that I can be on my own once in a while.” On the other hand, you may be able to spend time with the patient at his home. Either way, make it possible for the one providing the care to get much-needed relaxation.

Bear in mind, though, that it is not always easy for caregivers to take a break. They may feel guilty about being away from their loved one. “It’s not easy to break away from the situation and engage in recreation or rest,” admits Hjalmar. “I felt that I wanted to be there all the time.” But he found greater peace of mind by taking a break when his brother-in-law required the least attention. Others have arranged to have their loved one looked after in an adult day-care center for a few hours.

The End of All Sickness

To be sure, caring for a loved one who is seriously ill is a tremendous responsibility. Nevertheless, caring for a loved one can be very fulfilling and satisfying. Researchers as well as caregivers point to strengthened relationships with family and friends. Invariably, caregivers learn new qualities and abilities. Many experience spiritual benefits as well.

Most important, the Bible indicates that Jehovah and his Son, Jesus Christ, are the most compassionate caregivers. Bible prophecy assures us that the end of all sickness, suffering, and death is near at hand. Shortly, man’s caring Creator will reward earth’s righteous inhabitants with everlasting life in a perfectly healthy new world—one in which “no resident will say: ‘I am sick.’”—Isaiah 33:24; Revelation 21:4.

[Footnote]

[Blurb on page 11]

The sick person’s well-being depends directly on your well-being

[Blurb on page 12]

The support of good friends will do much to keep you going during the hardest times

[Box on page 12]

Caregiving Can Be Rewarding

‘REWARDING?’ some may wonder. ‘How can it be?’ Please note what the following caregivers told Awake!:

“Forgoing one’s own pursuits and desires does not mean less happiness. ‘There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.’ (Acts 20:35) It can be very fulfilling to care for someone you love.”—Joan.

“I was grateful that I could assist my sister and brother-in-law in a time of real need—without their being able to repay me. It drew us closer together. I hope that someday I can use the experience I have gained to help someone else in a similar situation.”—Hjalmar.

“As I told my ill friend Betty more than once, I received far more than I gave. I learned empathy and patience. I learned that it is possible to maintain a positive attitude under the most difficult circumstances.”—Elsa.

“I became a stronger person. I got to know more fully what it is like to depend on Jehovah God daily and have him satisfy my needs.”—Jeanny.

[Box on page 13]

When Visiting a Caregiver

• Listen with empathy

• Give heartfelt commendation

• Offer specific help

[Pictures on page 10]

Support caregivers by shopping and cooking for them or by helping them care for the patient