DRAW UP COUNSEL OUT OF THE HEART

3. What does Proverbs 20:5 mean, and what action does this require of parents?

³ Before you can reach the heart, you have to find out, to some extent, what is in it. “Counsel [one’s real purpose or deeply rooted intentionsa] in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Prov. 20:5) The real feelings in the heart of a child are like waters at the bottom of a deep well. In Bible times, some well openings were over 100 feet (30 m) down, and people had to walk down stairs to “draw up” the waters. It was a real task! To “draw up” your own child’s intentions may be just as difficult. Doing this takes empathy and keen observation. It may require the skillful use of questions, patience​—sometimes your being willing to talk with the child for hours before his real feelings surface. By reminding the child that you went through the same period, and that you too are imperfect, and by creating opportunities so that the child can be alone with you at times, you will make it easier for him to open up.​—Job 33:5-7.

4. According to Proverbs 12:18, what kind of speech can damage communication?

⁴ Yet a ‘thoughtless’ word or statement can be devastating. Some speak thoughtlessly, “as with the stabs of a sword.” Their words hurt and cause separation. So strive to be “cool of spirit” as you really listen. Perhaps you can recall when someone “talked down” to you or made fun of your feelings. Perhaps he said, ‘You know better than that!’ Did you yearn to confide in that person again?​—Prov. 12:18; 17:27.

5. (a) What kind of instruction does a teenager need? (b) Are most parents providing such instructions?

⁵ When a child reaches his teens, his sexual desires become very strong. The youngster needs to talk with someone who can explain what is happening to his body and can answer an endless list of very delicate and personal questions. Yet in a survey taken of 1,400 parents with adolescent children, 92 percent never discussed sexual behavior with their children. The background of the parents, the customs of the land, or the belief that such discussion is not necessary, at times hinders even Christian parents from showing such discerning care. Just how important are such discussions?

6, 7. How important is it that parents discuss sexual behavior with their children?

⁶ Well, after interviewing a number of families, one Christian elder concluded: “It’s interesting how a pattern is followed. For parents who really dealt with sex early and worked hard at keeping in close communication with their children, the results were good. For those who, for whatever reason, did not deal early with the problem, the results usually were bad.”

⁷ The benefits from such discussion are many. First, it can shield the child’s mind from the false, dirty information he will later hear. Second, it can build respect for parents and confidence in them and lay a common ground of communication that will carry over into puberty. And third, it can make it easier for your child to discuss the most intimate matters with you. Still, many parents wonder just how to go about discussing this somewhat embarrassing subject.

INSTRUCT THE HEART

8. How early should discussions about sex begin?

⁸ The value of starting to instruct the child at a young age cannot be overemphasized. A number of 10- and 11-year-olds have even become pregnant. Some researchers urge that communication about sex be firmly established before the child is six. Otherwise it may never be achieved. Often, just frankly and unashamedly answering a young child’s questions in this regard is sufficient.b However, a teenager needs instruction on how to control such desires. To reach the heart, the instruction must come across as friendly help, not as an accusation.

9. What should a parent try to put into a child’s heart, and why?

⁹ Jesus said: “A good man brings forth good out of the good treasure of his heart.” (Luke 6:45) So, to reach your child’s heart requires that you put into that young heart precious things​—things that he or she will respond to emotionally and will cherish. Why? So that “good things” will come out of that heart.​—Matt. 12:34, 35.

10, 11. From the examples in the book of Proverbs, what can be learned about how to reach your child’s heart during a discussion on sexual morality?

¹⁰ The instruction given about this subject in the Proverbs furnishes a good example for parents. It treats sexual behavior frankly and yet with dignity. Notice the balanced approach of Pr chapter five. The instructor or parent realistically discusses the pleasure of sex relations and especially the need to avoid sexual immorality. The prostitute’s lips seem to ‘drip with honey’ as she seeks to entice a man. Ah, but the aftereffects​—“as bitter as wormwood” and “as sharp as a two-edged sword”! (Pr 5 Vss. 3, 4) Then, the Biblical instructor touches a tender spot by showing the young man how he can lose his “dignity” by such conduct. (Pr 5 Vs. 9) Yet this is not an ‘all-sex-is-sin’ discussion. What a beautiful picture he paints of sexual relations within marriage.​—Pr 5 Vss. 15-19.

¹¹ The parent does not accuse or berate the young man. In Proverbs chapter seven, he relates others’ experiences and uses straightforward terms. (Prov. 7:6, 7, 13, 17, 18) The instructor uses vivid illustrations​—a passionate man that is enticed by a harlot is likened to a bull going to the slaughter, and an “arrow cleaves open his liver.” (Prov. 7:22, 23) How could a youth ever forget such imagery! Such a warning example stored in the heart will help the youth to cope with temptation. The parent did not just say that sexual immorality was wrong, but told why, explaining the effects and showing how easily the young person could get involved.

12, 13. (a) What are some occasions when a parent can discuss sexual behavior with his or her child? (b) Have you found other times that are convenient? (c) For a child to be moral, is it enough just to put good instruction into his heart?

¹² Many Christian parents have had similar discussions. They have had them on numerous occasions when the subject could be approached in a natural, informal way. Some of these opportunities were during long walks, when talking about some incident illustrating the value of proper morals, after such material was considered during congregational meetings, or when their own family’s spiritual discussions treated the subject. Many made use of the book Your Youth​—Getting the Best out of Itc to help them. Such discussion was not always easy, but genuine love for the child motivated the parents. As one mother of five admitted: “I forced myself to talk about it until finally I was no longer uncomfortable, nor was the child.” Do not let your child suffer untold heartache because of a lack of “good instruction” in this most delicate area.​—Prov. 4:2.

[Blurb on page 15]

‘My parents never had a heart-to-heart talk with me about sex. There were so many things I wanted to know. I became very curious, foolish and susceptible.’​—A 15-year-old girl

[Picture on page 16]

Communication between parent and child is so important

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Using Bible study aids, a parent can give healthful instruction on sex