Children​—A Blessing or a Heartache?

“BY THE time we got home I was numb,” recalled one father who had just struck a boy with his van. The youngster had darted without warning into the street and was run down. The screech of the brakes, the sickening thud and the siren of the ambulance were all whirling in the man’s head as he finally reached home with his children.

“The kids could see that I was in a terrible state,” said the father. He described how the children then made him lie down on the living-room floor and gave him a back rub. “You did the best you could, Dad. You did the best you could,” said the sympathetic youngsters. The loving care that flowed from those youthful hands as they rubbed his back not only removed the tension but helped the father to escape much of the emotional turmoil that usually follows such a tragedy.

How grateful this father was for his children! Would you not also cherish such youngsters? Yes, children can be delightful.

But what a different scene in another home. The father also was lying on the floor with the son and the daughter hovering over him. But this father was dead​—allegedly murdered by a killer whom police said had been hired by the father’s own son and daughter! Now the eager hands of the two youngsters were plundering their dead father of $300 (U.S.) and his credit cards, which they quickly used. “He wouldn’t let us do anything we wanted to do, like smoke pot,” said the youngsters in justification.

Very few children actually bring about the death of their parents, but millions rebel in other ways. An increasing number of parents are deeply concerned about the things that their children say and do. All too often, lovable infants grow up to become youths who lash out at both parents and society. “Why do they act that way?” is a question that persists in the minds of countless parents.

There are answers, but they are complex. Children of the same parents will often act very differently. Some, given the best of parental care, will still become delinquent. The opposite is also true. “Because I was born out of wedlock, my mother gave me to her sister, who showed me no love, beat me frequently and considered me merely a ‘tool’ for the housework,” sighed one man. “I became a compulsive gambler by age 14, and my uncle taunted, ‘You’re never going to be worth anything!”’ Yet this man is now successfully raising 10 children.

This man’s story, as we shall see later, reveals a factor that can make a dramatic difference in how a person acts when he grows up.

IF YOU ARE A PARENT​—having insight into the possible reasons why children act certain ways can mean the difference between success and failure as a parent. Such knowledge can help you to be more effective in your efforts to train your offspring.

IF YOU ARE A CHILD​—there are many powerful forces that can cause you to act in certain ways. Knowing what they are and how to deal with them successfully will add to your own happiness.

So what are some of the reasons why children act as they do?

What Makes Them Act That Way?

THE researchers felt that they had it all figured out. They had intently examined 200 children from their infancy through adolescence. They analyzed the parents, the home environment and the disposition of each child. Then they predicted which of these children would become happy adults. It seemed simple​—a happy childhood under a pleasant family environment would produce a happy adult.

After waiting till the children became 30 years of age, they reinterviewed them. Two out of three of their predictions were wrong! There is no simple explanation as to why children act as they do. Yet several factors play a heavy role in determining how a child develops.

ARE THEY BORN THAT WAY?

Much of our physical appearance comes from our parents. But what about our behavior? Some authorities, such as Dr. A. H. Chapman, say: “The influence of heredity on a child’s personality development is much less than the impact of how he is reared. . . . The role of heredity is small.” Yet many parents strongly disagree. For instance, one mother asked about her child: “How is he able to imitate his father so perfectly​—mean, defiant, spiteful—​when he has never seen him? His father [left me] about two minutes after he got me pregnant.”

Recently, a team of scientists studied 15 sets of identical twins who were raised apart. They were “overwhelmed with the similarities of the participating pairs.” Since the twins were separated and raised in different environments, the scientists felt that heredity was a strong factor in the striking similarity of their behavior. As one of the scientists, David Lykken, concluded, the study shows “that vastly more of human behavior is genetically determined or influenced than we ever supposed.”

ENVIRONMENT

WHERE THE CHILD LIVES: “Tommy was also the unluckiest kid I ever knew,” began a social worker who for five years worked with juveniles. “He lived in a four-and-a-half-room cold-water flat with ten relatives. . . . At home Tommy faced the frustrations of a drunken father, an overcrowded dwelling . . . and the feeling of being utterly useless and unwanted.” The boy became a heroin addict at age 14 and died of an overdose three years later. Where he lived obviously had a negative effect on this youngster. Yet, another teenager, also living in a crowded city, turned out differently. His mother reports: “Though I can sense Jeff’s frustrations at times, still being around a number of people living close by who really cared for them has made both my children warm and friendly toward others.”

WHAT A CHILD WATCHES: In some countries, children reportedly may watch nearly 8,000 hours of TV before they start school. Such is bound to affect their view of life. “It teaches them that might makes right,” says psychologist Robert Liebert, one of the most respected observers of child behavior. “The lesson of most TV series is that the rich, the powerful and the conniving are the most successful.”

Additionally, much research is surfacing to show that extensive TV viewing hinders learning ability. As one authority reported: “When the television set is on, it freezes everybody . . . everything that used to go on between people​—the games, the arguments, emotional scenes out of which personality and ability developed—​is stopped. So when you turn on television, you turn off the process of making human beings human.”

DIET​—HOW IMPORTANT?

‘Very important,’ say some doctors. Illustrating this is the experience of a boy whose mother said: “He is seven and loves school once he gets there. But I have to drag him out of bed, forcibly dress him, and spank him before he’ll eat. He throws up. We drive him to school.” Bemoaning the situation, she added: “Is there a better way to live?” However, it was discovered by a discerning doctor that the boy ate a lot of ice cream each night before going to bed. When the sweet snack was replaced by something more nutritious, his conduct in the morning dramatically improved. The observant doctor, Lendon H. Smith, in his book Improving Your Child’s Behavior Chemistry, stresses the need for proper nutrition, stating: “The successful functioning of any individual depends upon the full nourishment of the brain.”

“Junk food might eventually mean a ‘junk body,”’ is the report from Science World (February 22, 1979), which calls attention to the damage caused by increased consumption of sodas, candy bars, hot dogs, fruit pies, and so forth, especially by the young. At least one study has claimed that such a diet can cause “severe personality changes, generally [causing a person to become] highly aggressive and irritable.”

Allergies to food and other substances can also affect the way a child acts. One 11-year-old boy was described by his mother as being very moody, always unhappy, sullen and argumentative. A doctor discovered that the child had an allergy, and the parents reported that, with proper treatment, their boy was a “new person.” Similar results have been reported with some hyperactive children where there has been a careful control of their diet.

PARENTAL EXAMPLE

“I felt pity for my mother,” explained a 17-year-old boy. How did he show it? He had just sexually molested a girl at knife point. He did so, he said, to embarrass his father, who was openly cheating on his wife.

Instead of lashing out against the bad example of the parent, many children react in another way. The book Who’s Bringing Them Up? explains: “The toddler learns through the power of imitation . . . They absorb all the habits, feelings, tensions, joys, sorrows and behaviour of the adults they imitate. Children with violent parents will tend to copy violence, those with loving parents will tend to imitate that behaviour.”

There are many forces affecting a child’s life, but as one educational specialist put it: “Parents . . . have to realize they are still the most important force in their children’s lives.”

THE YOUTHFUL SEARCH FOR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

After only three months in the world a certain baby knew that something vital was missing. His persistent convulsions were the most violent protest he could make. The doctors could find nothing wrong. “But they learned that the mother hadn’t wanted the child, would never pick it up or cuddle it, just propped a bottle in the crib when feeding time came,” reported the book The Secret World of Kids. When nurses showed affection for the child, the convulsions stopped.

We are born searching for love. “This search for a feeling of love and attention is probably the most important explanation of your child’s behavior,” states child psychologist Bruce Narramore. Denied this love, a frustrated child may do almost anything​—lie, steal, set fires, engage in drug abuse, immorality, and so forth. This desire for love, which grows as does the child, is also reflected in another way.

THE “BIGGEST PRESSURE” FOR YOUTH: ‘It’s not from teachers, not grades,’ confessed one teenager. “It’s pressure from other kids.” The desire to be liked by other youths dictates the behavior of many. A social worker who tried to reform members of vicious teen gangs reported: “Basically what these unfortunate brats are seeking is just what all of us want​—to be somebody rather than nobody, to be recognized as a human being, to be appreciated and even loved.” (Emphasis added.) Desperately they try to find this in their peer group.

Just how powerful is this desire to be accepted by the group? A team of doctors decided to see. They invited a group of 10 teenagers into a room and held up before them a card containing several lines. “When we point to the longest line,” said the doctors, “please raise your hand.” However, unknown to one youngster, the other nine had previously been told to vote incorrectly.

When the moment to vote came, the teenager being studied looked in disbelief as all the others voted for the shorter line. “Somehow I missed the point, and I’d better do what everybody else is doing or they’ll laugh at me,” thought the youngster. So he carefully raised his hand with the rest! This was repeated several times. To prevent ‘being laughed at,’ he denied his own intelligence. “More than 75 percent of young people tested,” reported Dr. James Dobson, “behaved that same way!”

How many children have denied their own intelligence by engaging in immorality, drug abuse, drunkenness, and so forth, all because of the desire to be accepted by the group. However, another emotion also affects how children act.

“I ALWAYS FELT INFERIOR AROUND MY FRIENDS”: This is how a 15-year-old felt because she was overweight and had no boyfriend. She made plans to kill herself. Her life was saved by an alert suicide hot-line counselor. This girl is not alone in her feelings.

“Did you know that about 80 percent of the teenagers in our society don’t like the way they look? Eighty percent!” reports Dr. Dobson in his book Preparing for Adolescence. Yes, they feel too tall or too short, too fat or too thin! Others feel uneasy because of pimples on their face. Additionally, in an age when many parents put the emphasis on what a child achieves, not on what he or she is inside, often youngsters are disappointed with themselves and have little self-esteem. Many of them rebel, vandalize, act rough and tough, are always on the move, simply because they cannot live with themselves.

THE BLOOMING OF SEXUAL APPETITE: A tiny gland located at the base of the brain begins to give some sharp “commands” to teenagers. The pituitary, in effect, tells the body, ‘Get moving, get prepared for parenthood!’ The endocrine secretions it sends out cause the sexual organs to mature. But these hormones do far more.

“The adolescent age has . . . endocrine gland changes which organically stimulate young people to feel their oats. They are literally kicked around by their endocrine secretions, which finally have to strike a new balance,” states The Story of Human Emotions, by G. M. Lott, M.D. Yes, these hormones ‘literally kick around’ the emotions of teenagers. During this period of time a teenager will begin to assert his independence. He will probably have an increased interest in someone of the opposite sex.

The Bible describes this period as the “bloom of youth” and recommends marriage after one is “past” this period. (1 Cor. 7:36) The original Greek word used (hyperakmos) literally refers to being beyond the ‘highest point of anything, the full bloom of a flower.’ During puberty a youngster’s sexual appetite first blooms or becomes strong. The average age when a girl has her first menstruation has lowered from 16 a hundred years ago to 12 now. This adds to the problem, since some, barely in their teens, are now pushed into situations that they are not able to handle.

When teenagers allow this sexual appetite to dominate them, the results are often tragic​—venereal disease, unwanted pregnancies, abortion and a lack of self-respect. There is a need to control such desires. (Col. 3:5) One college student, who reflected on this period in his life, acknowledged: ‘I first had intercourse with my girl friend when we were fifteen. We’d done everything but, and then one night she asked if we could go all the way. A few days later we broke up. It was the most painful time in my life. I was depressed and moody and nervous. I felt like a failure.’

Obviously, there are many factors that cause children to act as they do. Each child is different, so not all will react in the same way to the identical influence. Sadly, the actions of some will leave emotional scars that will last a lifetime. What can parents do to help them to avoid such hurt? Also, is there anything else that can help to assure a good outcome?

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A bad environment can breed criminal actions​—but not always

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Too much TV can hinder learning ability, and some shows can teach wrong conduct

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A steady diet of junk food can cause aggressive behavior

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Children with loving parents will tend to imitate their behavior

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The desire to be liked by other youths dictates the behavior of many

What Can Parents Do to Help?

“THE story is told of the child psychologist who began his practice with four theories and no children,” reports psychologist Dr. Bruce Narramore. “Some years later he found he had four children and no theories!”

Yes, theories about child rearing come and go. Bringing up a child is no simple task. However, you have only one opportunity to rear your child. Which way is best?

In the midst of conflicting opinions, one source has provided child-rearing guidelines that have been consistently successful. It is the Bible. In the following pages see (1) what it recommends, (2) why it is presently helping millions worldwide to be better parents, and (3) how its advice can be applied in your home.

Do Not Parents Show Love by Feeding, Clothing and Housing a Child?

Yes, and it often means years of sacrifice for parents. Yet a parent may be able to supply only meager provisions, “a dish of vegetables,” for the family. However, if such are provided “with love,” then, as the Bible shows, they are better “than the best beef served with hatred.” (Prov. 15:17, Moffatt) Love outweighs good food. Children thrive on affection​—a few words of sympathy over a bruised knee, a warm hug, a pat on the back, or a simple ‘I’m so proud of you!’ Children must see, in a way their young minds can understand, genuine warmth and parental concern.

But How Can You Love a Child Who Misbehaves?

It is not easy. However, the Bible stresses “fellow feeling.” (1 Pet. 3:8) There may often be underlying reasons for a child’s misbehavior. For instance, one youngster began acting up in school. His concerned father, who talked for hours with the boy, said: “We continued to show him that we cared about him. Then he told us what was wrong.” Other children teased him because of his hearing aid, so he acted up in class to gain their approval.

The father had “fellow feeling” and, after several more warm discussions, the boy’s conduct improved. Years later the boy wrote his parents: “I know I did some things that displeased you, but thank you for not giving up on me.” Often frustration, jealousy, repressed anger, fear and insecurity can prompt bad conduct.

What if Your Child Is Born with Some Bad Traits?

Perhaps you see the same weakness in yourself or your mate. This should create “fellow feeling” as well as give you background to offer discerning counsel. For instance, one mother noticed that her nine-year-old was just as withdrawn as she was as a child. “I talked with him about it,” she said, “and mentioned that the way he’s feeling, the things that are going on inside of him, also affected me when I was young. ‘I know how you feel, Rowland, because I’m still working on it,’ I would say. As a result we have drawn much closer together and he opens up more.”

How Can a Parent Know When Something Is Really Troubling a Child?

The feelings and thoughts of a child, his real intentions, lie in his heart like waters at the bottom of a deep well. Hard to get out! “Counsel [one’s purpose or intention] in the heart of a man is as deep waters,” admits the Bible, “but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Prov. 20:5) Some probing questions may ‘draw up’ such feelings. It takes DISCERNMENT to evaluate when a child is deliberately rebelling and when he is acting out of frustration.​—Prov. 24:3.

Does the Way a Parent Talks to the Child Really Matter?

Yes, it truly does. To illustrate: A startled interviewer asked a five-year-old girl, “Why do you want to be dead?” The sad-eyed tot replied: “Because it would be so peaceful. Mommy wouldn’t be screaming at me all the time.” Children have feelings. A parent’s thoughtless remarks can be devastating. A proverb states: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword.” It hurts! But “the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Prov. 12:18) Build up your child’s self-esteem by genuine commendation. Praise his accomplishments, no matter how small.

If a child thinks he will get ‘screamed at’ because of his feelings, he will not reveal them. Especially difficult is it for him to discuss his sexual feelings. The youth may feel ashamed. However, even if the thinking of a child is wrong, he should feel free to express himself. One parent said: “Sometimes you feel like exploding inside when the child pours out his heart. But you don’t dare show it or they clam up.”

Try to get into your child’s world, into where his feelings are. Spend five minutes with him as you put him to bed. Talk to him about the things that have made you feel happy, sad, upset or scared. It is important to share not only experiences but also feelings. Above all, listen as your child bares his feelings.

Does Love Mean Letting the Child Always Do What He Wants?

Many think so. They want to be loved by the child. “I’ll love you,” says the child intimidatingly, “if you give me a lollipop.” Later it may be, “If you let me stay up as late as I want,” “eat what I want” or “run with my own friends.” Parents bend. What are the results? A generation of uncontrolled, insecure youngsters. The Bible recommends: “The one loving [his child] is he that does look for him with discipline.” Discipline means instruction that molds or corrects. It builds character and gives security.​—Prov. 13:24.

What if a Child Does Not Listen to Discipline?

“Chastise your son and he will bring you rest and give much pleasure to your soul,” recommends the Bible. (Prov. 29:17) Chastisement involves punishment. It may be a literal spanking or the denial of a cherished privilege. This will teach him a vital lesson​—respect for authority. God sets an example as to how the punishment should be meted out, saying: “I shall have to chastise you to the proper degree.” Still, he reassured those same individuals, saying, “for I am with you.” He still loved them. So Jehovah set loving, yet firm, boundaries regarding acceptable behavior. Parents, do the same!​—Jer. 46:28.

About What Matters Should a Parent Be Firm?

Be firm that a child eats nutritious food, for serious deficiencies could stunt his physical growth. At the same time, do not let your child feed his mind on “garbage” in the form of TV shows, magazines and movies that feature violence and immorality.

Yet the greatest threat to your good instruction is your child’s associates​—his peers. If a child becomes a companion to those whose habits are corrupt, be assured that he will usually “get familiar” with such conduct and be ensnared. (Prov. 22:24, 25) You have a duty to break up such bad associations. This takes discipline, but when a parent replaces bad associates with good ones, or makes his own family activities more interesting, the job becomes much easier.

How Soon Will a Child Develop a Sense of Right and Wrong?

On his own, he may never do it. The Bible indicates that a young child does not know “how to reject the bad and choose the good.”​—Isa. 7:16.

How Can a Child Be Taught This?

The heart must be reached. He must develop his own inner motivation to “reject the bad and choose the good.” If not, he may simply put on a superficial shrewdness about staying out of trouble. So in addition to “discipline,” parents must ‘bring up’ their children in the “mental-regulating of Jehovah.”​—Eph. 6:4.

This requires putting information into the child’s mind that will touch his heart. It should motivate him in a right way and warn him of future dangers. The Bible term “mental-regulating” includes “whatever is needed to cause the monition to be taken home, to be laid to heart.”a

How Important Is It to Teach the Child About God?

One Christian elder considered closely the cases of a group of professed Christian youngsters who had got into serious difficulty, which included drug abuse, immorality and drunkenness. What was wrong? “These youngsters simply do not fear God,” he said. “Here’s the situation: It’s dark. They’re in the back seat of a car with someone of the opposite sex. All they feel is their hormones running wild. They couldn’t care less about the consequences. And they will do it week after week.” Yet some ‘rejected the bad.’ “These have had their hearts reached and established a one-on-one relationship with Jehovah,” he noted. “They view him as an all-seeing, loving Person.” So help your child to develop such a relationship.​—Prov. 16:6.

A parent must have this relationship with God first. Personal Bible study and meditation are needed. Jehovah’s Witnesses are willing to help. In fact, it was this Bible instruction from the Witnesses that changed the youngster mentioned in the opening article, the one who had such a bad background, into a fine parent. “The study of the Bible is what made all the difference,” he admitted.

Your conduct​—either good or bad—​will teach a child faster and make a deeper impression than anything else. Because of inborn sinfulness, a child will more readily imitate bad habits. (Ps. 51:5) So the first step is to take a look at yourself.

Is It Always the Parents’ Fault if the Child Goes Bad?

Neither parents nor children are perfect. Both will make regrettable mistakes. Yet, because the Bible says that a properly trained child “will not turn aside,” some parents feel solely at fault when a child goes bad. (Prov. 22:6) However, this verse has to be viewed in its proper setting. It is part of the advice given in Proverbs to parents. A parent knows whether he paid only lip service to this counsel or not.

Advice is also given to children. If they are to turn out well, they are urged to ‘listen to,’ “treasure up,” “not forget,” “pay attention [to],” “observe” and “not forsake” the commandments and discipline of parents. (Prov. 1:8; 2:1; 3:1; 4:1; 6:20) Over four times as much counsel is given to children as is given to parents in just this one book of the Bible!

Some children will ‘despise obedience’ to a parent. (Prov. 30:17) One exemplary father of a wayward son remarked: “I have tried and tried to reach his heart. I do not know what to do because I have tried so many things. Nothing has worked.”

A child has a responsibility to heed those verses that apply to him. If both parent and child heed Bible counsel, the general rule is that a child will not deviate. There is no need for a parent to dishearten himself with guilt over what has happened in the past. Concern yourself with what you can do now to help your child.

[Footnotes]

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QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN A CHILD MISBEHAVES

Are you feeling well?

Do you feel I am being unfair? Why?

Are you having problems at school?

Do you feel under too much strain?

Do you just feel gloomy?

Are you getting along with your friends?

Do you feel I expect too much of you?

Is there some way I can help?

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WHY YOUTHFUL SUICIDES?

“They can’t take the pressure,” explained one expert. He emphasized “the need for discipline​—the kind that builds character so the young won’t crack under pressure.”

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HOW SOON TO START?

One heartbroken parent said: “I kept putting off my children. I thought we had years to shape their lives, but now they’re nearly grown. We’ve let our most influential opportunity slip through our fingers.” Start from infancy!

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“TRAIN” FOR ADULT LIFE

“Train up a boy according to the way for him.” (Prov. 22:6) A child needs to be trained in adult skills such as decisiveness, showing initiative and self-control. Without such training he may fail in adulthood.

Especially delicate are teenage years​—a time of transition. One moment the child may complain: “Don’t tell me what to do!” and an hour later he may ask: “Mom, what should I do now?” You can help the child to make the transition by being neither too restrictive nor too easygoing.

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Help your child develop a relationship with God by learning about the Bible together

Children​—Does It Really Matter How You Act?

NO ONE had to tell 15-year-old Joanna that how one acts can cause mental anguish. She knew! After a year of promiscuous sexual relations, she wrote in utter frustration: “I am sick to death of life!” A shotgun blast by her own hand ended her misery. What a tragic waste!

You may never have contemplated suicide, yet you know that a person can be so troubled that nothing else seems to matter. Some youngsters try to soothe an unhappy mind by drug abuse, drunkenness or immoral sex. The effects, at most, are temporary. ‘If only I had done things differently!’ is a common plea. No one plans to be miserable. But when misery results, whose fault is it?

Should I Blame My Parents?

One young girl was grief-stricken when her alcoholic father died. She was also rejected by her mother and stepmother. Yet years later she reflected: “We suffer, but we don’t let it destroy us.” Other children also have overcome similar harsh backgrounds. A research psychologist, Arlene Skolnick, after considering hundreds of examples, concluded: “Despite what some psychologists have been telling [parents] for years, they do not have make-or-break power over a child’s development.” Yes, you children have the final say as to how you act.

The Bible agrees: “Even by his practices a boy makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright.” (Prov. 20:11) Not by what type of parents he had or by where he lived, but “by his practices” a child shows what he is. The “activity” of some youngsters has not been “pure and upright.” Since the results are often tragic, you may wonder: ‘How can I control my actions?’

Guard Your Heart and Mind

“My son,” urges the Bible, “more than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your heart, for out of it are the sources of life.” (Prov. 4:20, 23) From the heart come your feelings, motivations, likes and dislikes. What you do is usually decided there.

The heart responds to what you feed your mind. Put right standards into it and these will protect you from attitudes that have ruined countless young minds. “How will a young man cleanse his path?” asks the Bible. “By keeping on guard according to [God’s] word.” (Ps. 119:9) You need to read the Bible and literature that explains it. Mature Christians will gladly help you.

Once these standards are imbedded, you can make it easier​—or harder—​to keep them there. One youth said: “The movies paint sin as something beautiful. They make sex seem to be the only thing in life that really matters. After a while you feel you’re missing out and that this is what you need to be happy.” This young girl realized how subtly her mind was being influenced. She thereafter avoided movies, TV shows and books that featured violence or sex. The same course can help to guard your heart and mind.

“He Would Never Have Done It Himself”

“He was a good boy, a gentle boy,” sobbed the stepmother of a 16-year-old who was arrested for murder. “He would never have done it himself.” Three other boys were also involved. Imagine if that boy were you. Such anguish​—mainly because of his “friends.”

One youngster who got involved in drug abuse because of peer pressure reflected: “I looked at my friends and thought to myself, ‘Where are these kids headed? Where will they be five years from now?’ I got scared and depressed just thinking about it.” He then made a change and began “walking with wise persons.” (Prov. 13:20) “I saw that when I was with good associates they also could have a good time,” continued this young man. “It was really genuine! I had a warm feeling being with them. I felt: ‘This is good.’ And I had none of the guilt feelings I had before.”

Beyond just a “warm feeling,” such good associates can strengthen your resolve to follow the Bible. So seek out as friends those whose practices are “pure and upright.” It will have a powerful effect on how you act.

Separates the Men from the Boys

A baby has no self-control, but you need it as you grow older. “It is better to be patient than powerful. It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities,” says the Bible.​—Prov. 16:32, Today’s English Version.

“Hey, you’re still a virgin!” taunted one youngster. The reply from the young man, who was trying to live by the Bible, was simple: “What takes more strength​—to resist or to give in?”

You have to get “control over yourself.” It is a challenge to ‘get tough with yourself’ and not let your mind constantly dwell on sex. During the “bloom of youth” this requires a real fight. (1 Cor. 7:36) Involve your mind in worthwhile activities, perhaps a wholesome hobby or some form of physical exercise. Many have found that this greatly helps. Never forget that if you work hard to control these desires​—and persist—​the struggle will become easier as you pass this period when sexual desires are at their peak.

Intimately associating with those of the opposite sex just makes your struggle harder. The self-control that you develop by not experimenting with sex before marriage will win respect and prepare you for a happier marriage. It has been said that it is “probably a thousand times easier” to have self-control if one never commits that first act of fornication than it is to stop later.

Also show self-control by heeding the counsel of your parents. Respond to their words of discipline. (Prov. 17:10) At times they may ask you to do something proper that you would rather not do. But learning to do unpleasant things is vital in becoming mature. Self-control brings self-esteem, because it is an inner quality that far excels physical beauty and strength.

A Precious Relationship

No doubt your parents have taught you something about God. However, in the minds of most young persons (as well as adults) God seems remote. But how would you like to have a friend to whom you could tell all your feelings and know he would understand? Someone who would care about you, not about what you have. Even when you make a mistake, and you regret it, he’s there to say, “It’s okay, I’m still your friend.” Would you not cherish such a friend?

This is exactly the kind of relationship you can have with the Almighty God. He invites us to ‘pour out our heart’ to him, because he ‘knows how we are made and is merciful.’ ‘He cares for us.’ (Ps. 62:8; 103:13, 14; 1 Pet. 5:7) By prayer and a heartfelt desire to please him you can build such a friendship with God. One 18-year-old declared: “What I have that I treasure above anything else is my relationship with Jehovah God.” Why is it so vital? “Learning to know Jehovah as my Friend is what gave me the maturity and common sense to resist peer pressure and temptations,” explained another young girl.

“I Have a Hope in Life”

One 15-year-old was asked: “What advantage do you have over those who do not live by the Bible?” Without hesitating, she replied: “I have a hope in life that they don’t. The Bible promises eternal life on a paradise earth for those who obey God.”

Yes, the Bible promises that those who “do good” will survive the destruction of the wicked, to enjoy an “abundance of peace.” Sickness and death will be permanently ended. Even those asleep in the grave will rise. The earth will be restored to a beautiful paradise populated with persons who love one another. All will be given ‘the requests of their hearts.’ Would you not enjoy such a reward?​—Ps. 37:3, 4, 10, 11; John 5:28, 29; Rev. 21:3, 4.

This hope provides a strong incentive to obey the Bible. As one young girl, who had just lost her father in death, wrote: “I’d like to live on the paradise earth and see my father again. This is my main goal in life. I will try my very best to attain it!”

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RESULTS OF PROPER ACTION

“It’s a rewarding feeling to know that you are trying to do what’s right. You feel good inside and you sleep well at night.”​—18-year-old girl.

“Those that get into drugs and immorality have a lot of problems that I don’t have. Those hooked on drugs wonder why I get good grades and they don’t. Some are worried about getting pregnant or about venereal disease. Many would like to change, but they can’t fight the peer pressure. Living by the Bible is a real protection.”​—15-year-old girl.

“Living by the truth in the Bible is the only source of true happiness in today’s cold world. You also find yourself with many real friends.”​—16-year-old boy.

“You see how you stand out different from others of the ‘sloppy generation’ in your dress and speech. You notice that even though others mock and tease you, many youngsters respect, yes, even envy, you. Then you get a real personal satisfaction, knowing you weren’t conquered by them, but with God’s help you came off the victor.”​—17-year-old boy.

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Your future is in your own hands. Will your actions lead to heartache or happiness?