Family Communication​—Why the Breakdown?

BACK in the days of Sir Stamford Raffles, the founder of the British port of Singapore, it was not unusual for him to wait a whole year for an answer to one of his dispatches to London. But that was the 19th century. Today such wonders as communications satellites allow instantaneous communication to virtually any spot on earth.

It is ironic, however, that while man can so easily communicate with someone on another continent, he is often a failure when it comes to communicating with members of his own family. Skyrocketing divorce rates bear grim testimony to this fact. Little wonder, then, that in one study of “happy” and “unhappy” couples, the researchers drew this conclusion: “The prime need in many troubled marriages is for better ways of communicating between the partners.” But how many families really commune​—that is, talk intimately “with great mental or spiritual depth,” as one dictionary defines the word? Often there is little or no meeting of minds, still less of hearts. Why, though, has this breakdown come about?

The Communication Breakdown: Its Causes

Many are the factors that have worked against the quality of family life. Prior to industrialization, “work” was more or less a family operation, but now this has changed. In most parts of the world, a man must spend long hours working away from home to make a living. A sagging world economy has forced many women to do likewise. Children are thus often entrusted to paid caretakers or left to fend for themselves. Schools have taken over the entire job of educating children​—a job that in times past was primarily the responsibility of parents. Technology​—the same tool that has so improved communications—​has at times worked to debilitate family life.

Before the days of radios, TVs, stereos, videotape recorders, and video games, family members often spent time talking with one another. But the present glut of such gadgets has all but killed the art of conversation in some families. The report of the National Institute of Mental Health (U.S.A.) entitled Television and Behavior states: “Family gatherings by the fireplace or at the dinner table now seem to have given way to gatherings in front of the television set.” Particularly disturbing was the finding that in the United States, “families spend about half their waking hours at home watching television.” And the tragic fact is that, in many families, when the TV is switched on, the family switches off; conversation sinks to a low level.

The result? Family life becomes shallow. Fellowship ebbs and family members inevitably drift apart. But for a family to be united, bound by the ties of understanding and love, there has to be communion of minds and hearts. Family members that enjoy such communication can upbuild one another to withstand the strains of a tense, troubled society. How, though, can a family cultivate such closeness? Advice abounds from many sources. But the best source of advice is the oldest book in existence​—the Bible!

‘MY HUSBAND never talks.’ ‘My wife never listens to what I have to say.’ These complaints are common among married couples. Youngsters often feel like 12-year-old Max: “I’m not scared to talk [to my parents], but I’m scared of how they might react.” Barricades of silence thus separate family members.

Some might argue that in many cases the husband and wife are simply a bad match; that they are hopelessly incompatible and should never have got married in the first place! To be sure, many couples do take courtship lightly and fail to lay a firm groundwork for communication before marriage. (See box on page 9.) Nevertheless, the success of a marriage does not rest solely upon so-called compatibility. Far more crucial is whether a couple is willing to accept God’s standards for marriage and apply the Bible’s principles or not. Consider just a few of the things the Bible says about the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives:

● “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord.”​—Ephesians 5:22, 23.

● “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies.”​—Ephesians 5:25, 28.

● “Do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”​—Ephesians 6:4.

When these principles are put to work, a solid basis for marital communication is laid. Why? Because a husband who views ‘loving his wife’ as a God-given responsibility will be more inclined to talk to her and listen to her. A wife who believes that obedience to her husband is a divine requirement will be similarly motivated. But how does one deal with stresses and strains that develop in a marriage? Can the Bible’s advice really help you cope?

When Problems Arise

Marriage is the most intimate of human relationships. In time a couple can enjoy a relationship so close that just a touch, look, or gesture conveys volumes. Few attain this blissful state however.

A young wife recalls: “We had a rough time financially after we got married. We were living from week to week and from hand to mouth. I wasn’t used to such insecurity.”

This young couple, however, eased their marital tensions by applying the Scriptures. Confesses the husband: “I guess I was just totally oblivious to her feelings. I thought everything was just fine. But I didn’t realize she was a nervous wreck.” What did they do about this communication gap? Recalls the wife: “We had long talks. They were at times uncomfortable talks, but they always helped.”

A husband named Richard said: “I had trouble adjusting to the routine of marriage. We were both working full time and my wife wanted me to pitch in with the housework. However, I had the idea that my wife should do everything. Besides, after a day of work I was in no mood to do anything but relax and watch sports. So if all of a sudden I heard, ‘Can you take the clothes to the cleaners?’ I’d say, ‘Do it yourself!’”

Richard and his wife, though, began studying the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Learning that God required him to ‘love his wife as his own body,’ he was motivated to carry a share of household responsibilities. Even the pressures of work looked different in the light of God’s Word. He recollects: “Once I had a reason to live and understood God’s purposes, I could get rid of the negative thinking I picked up on the job.”

The Bible, though, points to another possible source of problems: “For we all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man, able to bridle also his whole body.” (James 3:2) Yes, everyone is occasionally guilty of a tactless or even unkind remark. And when two imperfect personalities grate on each other, tempers may flare.

But what happens if a couple allows such problems to dominate in their marriage? Says the Bible: “A brother who is transgressed against is more than a strong town; and there are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower.” (Proverbs 18:19) Communication may be cut off, with serious consequences for both the couple and their children. Indeed, experts say “persistent parental discord” is one of the most destructive influences on a child.

Applying the Bible’s counsel, however, can minimize such conflicts. Husbands are commanded not to “be bitterly angry with” their wives. (Colossians 3:19) And it takes two to quarrel. If your mate gets upset and angry, why not try to remain calm and tactful? Agree and sympathize if possible. As the Bible says: “An answer, when mild, turns away rage.” (Proverbs 15:1) Sharp retorts will only aggravate the situation. Better it is to ask in a kind way: “Did I upset you? What’s wrong, dear?” Lovingly and tactfully drawing out the cause of the trouble in this way will often help to solve it. On the other hand, it might be a matter of frankly, but kindly, telling your mate that you are irritated or upset by his or her actions. The Bible says: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.”​—Ephesians 4:26, 32.

One young husband learned to apply this counsel. He says: “My wife is very emotional. So it’s sometimes hard for her to have a calm discussion without getting really uptight. But I’ve tried to adjust to her personality and to be more sensitive to her feelings.” Such conscientious effort not only helps keep peace but endears you to your mate!