How Divorce Affects People

In the first six months of 1976, 987,000 couples were married and 538,000 divorced in the United States.​—The 1977 “World Almanac & Book of Facts.”

IN THE time it takes to read this page, four marriages will end in divorce​—in just the United States. Every minute, on the average, more than two marriages are official dissolved.

In some places divorces are approaching, if not exceeding, the number of marriages. In Los Angeles County alone, nearly 50,000 divorces are filed a year. DallaSite, a Texas newspaper, reports: “During the first half of 1975, Dallas County records show that there were more divorces filed than marriage licenses issued.” In all, 8,275 divorces were filed and 6,801 marriage licenses issued.

The speed at which people are shedding their mates is staggering and is still gathering momentum. Divorces more than doubled in the U.S. in ten years; from 1965 to 1975 they leaped from 479,000 to 1,026,000. In other countries, the rate of increase is much greater.

In 1960, Canada had only 6,980 divorces. By 1973 the number had leaped to over five times that, to 36,704. And then in 1974 there were 45,019 divorces, resulting in an increase of more than 20 percent. “Divorce is so widespread,” reports the Toronto Star, it’s the happily married couple of 15 years or more who sometimes feel[s] like a minority.”

In the Soviet Union, too, the increase in marriage breakdowns is staggering. The Soviet digest Sputnik says: “About 2.5 million marriages are registered in the USSR annually . . . At the same time, the average number of divorces registered daily reaches 2,000, that is, one divorce for every three marriages.”

The situation is similar in Great Britain. Divorces there tripled in ten years. Sweden reportedly has three divorces for every five marriages, a higher ratio even than the United States. Divorces are increasing at a dizzying rate in other European countries, including Denmark and Germany.

Certain African nations also have high divorce rates. Zambia, a country of only a little over five million people, is very concerned about its 19,000 divorces a year, not far behind the divorce rate in the U.S.

Atlas World Press Review, August 1977, notes: “Divorces have become fashionable among young Japanese wives. . . . Now when they hear that there is one divorce every four minutes and 14 seconds, they want to join the race lest they be left behind.” And over in Hong Kong, the South China Morning Post complains of a “fast rising divorce rate during the past few years.”

So divorce is booming practically everywhere. With what effect?

A Changed Society

First of all, tens of millions of lives have been disrupted, often tragically. MD magazine of March 1977 notes: “Counting spouses and children under 18, more than 4 million Americans annually ‘have their lives dramatically changed by divorce, and an equal number are estimated to experience desertion, the ‘poor man’s divorce.’”

The skyrocketing divorce rates are only one evidence of dissatisfaction with marriage. Many couples are experimenting with new life-styles, mutually agreeing to sexual acts with persons not their husbands and wives; still others simply ‘live together,’ setting up housekeeping with someone of the opposite sex without getting married.

The Way to Happiness?

But rather than creating a climate of peace and happiness, the divorce epidemic and the new life-styles are resulting in widespread suspicion and anxiety in families. “Some couples are so frightened by the number of divorces in their neighborhoods,” notes a director of a New York Center for Family Learning, that “they come to us just to talk about what they can do to prevent divorce.”

No longer can women, as a rule, count on their husbands for a lifetime of support, and therefore many worry about having to cope when their husbands depart. But, in other instances, it is the wives who leave their husbands. Some even leave behind small children.

After divorce, when they are free ‘to do their own thing,’ what happens? Are the divorced really happy? Three U.S. professors, who made a study of such persons, report in Psychology Today of April 1977: “We didn’t find a single victimless divorce among the families we studied. At least one member of each family reported distress or showed a negative change in behavior.”

The article noted that free-living divorced men did not realize lasting satisfaction, and added: “The stereotyped image of the carefree, swinging single life did not hold up for the women, either. For them, casual sex brought on feelings of desperation, depression, and low self-esteem.” No wonder that suicide is at least three times as frequent among the divorced as among the married, and that alcoholism shows similar patterns.

The children, however, often are the principal sufferers. In the U.S. alone, some 11 million children live in single-parent homes. Many are at the center of custody battles, and commonly they are snatched from one parent by another. Meyer Elkin, an expert on family problems, laments: “We are now raising a generation of children from broken homes​—and creating a social time bomb.”

Divorce also hurts the pocketbook. “Inflation has sent the cost of a divorce sky high,” reports Business Week, “a minimum of $1,500 per partner in legal fees alone, and more if the action is contested or if there is a custody fight.” But even worse are the sparks of bitterness that are often fanned into consuming flames. As one Chicago divorce attorney said: “I feel that divorce law is usually more like war than war is.”

A woman who went through a divorce in 1974 writes: “My first rude awakening came when I went to a lawyer. He needed a $400 retainer before he could draw up any papers. A lawyer helps you develop a certain hardness, which contributes to an already growing bitterness.

“I should know, because I elected to follow my lawyer’s advice and ended up before a referee in Domestic Relations Court six different times just to discuss temporary child support and property divisions. Every time I went down to court, it required additional papers to be drawn up, and, of course, additional lawyer’s fees.”

Since divorce often results in bitterness and unhappiness, why do people divorce? Why is there such an epidemic of divorces today? These are questions that we will next consider.

Why They Split Up

AFTER reading about skyrocketing divorce rates, a person may understandably ask: Why do so many more marriages break up today?

One reason is that new laws make divorce easier. “No fault” divorce was introduced in California in 1970, so marriages can be dissolved without attaching blame to either party. Already 50 states and territories of the United States have no-fault divorce laws.

Since December 1973 couples in England, who have no children involved, can get a divorce by merely filling out a form accompanied by a notarized statement that the marriage has broken down, and then mailing them to the authorities. Other countries, too, have been liberalizing their divorce laws.

But there is a more fundamental reason why divorce rates are skyrocketing.

It has to do with the very thinking of people​—their values, how they look at marriage and what they expect out of life. In this there has been a sudden, dramatic change.

People have learned to expect and want more. Many agree with a U.S. beer commercial that says: ‘You only go around once in life, so grab for all the gusto you can.’ So, when marriage is not as exciting as they are led to expect, many look for a way out. They get a divorce. There is now even widespread experimentation with different kinds of relationships, even calling them “marriage,” as the Seattle Post-Intelligencer notes:

“In the Seattle area bankers and engineers are trying group marriage. Open marriage is a subject of Sunday morning sermons . . . No-contract marriages are competing with licensed unions. The elderly are quietly flouting convention and children of the revolution are growing up under a new sex ethic.”

To illustrate the suddenness of the change: In the spring of 1968, only nine years ago, there was a scandal when an unmarried New York city college sophomore admitted that she had been living off-campus with a man. The story hit the front page of the New York Times, and the girl was nearly expelled from school. Today many major colleges have coed dormitories, and living together is so common that it hardly draws a comment.

Despite the radical change in attitudes, a legal-contract marriage of one man and one woman is still popular. But instead of considering marriage a lifetime commitment, divorce is now viewed as a logical alternative, ‘if it doesn’t work out.’ A recent survey in West Germany revealed that 26 percent of German brides have divorce in mind even before they marry. Obviously this type of thinking contributes to divorce.

The modern “liberation” movements have encouraged the pursuit of careers outside the home, or whatever other course in life will bring one “self-fulfillment.” As a result, there is less emphasis today on commitment, and more on individual gratification. People are inclined to think first of their own satisfaction and pleasure, of getting everything they can out of life NOW. This attitude seems to be at the root of why there are so many divorces today.

The example set by world leaders has not helped, as Good Housekeeping of June 1977 notes:

“As the nation’s divorce rate headed upward, political figures seemed to lead the rush to the divorce courts. Cabinet members, Congressmen, ambassadors, high-level White House staffers untied their marriages as freely as the rest of the population, or even more so, with no apparent detriment to their careers or their public image.”

Such examples have contributed to the avalanche of divorces; and the very fabric of the family, as well as society as a whole, has been affected. Is there an answer? Can people find genuine happiness for themselves and their families?

What Is the Answer?

MILLIONS of people get married every year because they believe that marriage will bring them the happiness that they seek. Yet their expectations often meet up with disappointment. So they get divorced, hoping this will answer their problems and open a door to happiness.

But is divorce the answer? What about some alternative arrangement to traditional marriage?

The Origin of Marriage

With human inventions, sufficient thought and experimentation almost always lead to improvement. So if marriage is of human origin, then the answer is, “Yes, it would be appropriate to experiment and make alterations so as perhaps to come up with a better arrangement.”

Well, then, what about the origin of marriage?

The 1977 Encyclopedia Americana, under “Marriage, History of,” notes: “Some scholars are inclined to trace the origin of marriage to pairing arrangements of animals below man. Studies reveal that a more or less permanent association . . . characterizes the anthropoid apes, with the association of the chimpanzee being monogamous and durable.”

Thus, marriage is commonly believed to have originated among subhuman creatures. However, there is no real evidence to support this view. The Encyclopedia Americana even acknowledges that “these more or less permanent associations between other than human animals are not marriages, for animals have no society to sanction them.”

This source goes on to claim: “While the original form of marriage is lost in the oblivion of the prehistorical period, it is safe to say that during historical times some form of marriage has been present in all societies. . . . the main forms of marriage are polygymy [a man having more than one wife], polyandry [a woman having more than one husband] and monogamy [men and women having only one mate].”

So the fact is that various forms of marriage already have been tried, in the past as well as the present. Yet, as The Encyclopedia Americana observes: “The prevalent form of marriage among all people today, and probably among people in all times, has been some form of monogamy, or the union of one man and one woman. . . it appears to be more favorable to the care and upbringing of children.”

Why has a union of one man and one woman always been the generally accepted form of marriage? Could it be because such marriage is of Divine, rather than of human, origin? When Jesus Christ was once asked about grounds for divorce, note what he said concerning the origin of marriage:

“Did you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matt. 19:3-6; Gen. 2:21-24) No, “the original form of marriage” was not lost in the so-called “oblivion of the prehistorical period.”

But you may ask, If marriage really is of Divine origin, why is there so much unhappiness associated with it? Could we not expect better results from something God created?

The Basic Problem

There is a basic reason why so many marriages are unhappy or end up in failure. To illustrate: When a manufacturer produces a product, he usually supplies instructions for its use, does he not? But what happens if the instructions are ignored? The product, even though of perfect quality, may break down and fail because of misuse.

So it is with marriage. Almighty God originated marriage, providing for couples to be joined in wedlock and to bring forth children in a family arrangement. God also provided instructions for family living. But when these instructions are ignored, despite the perfection of the arrangement, marriage can, and, as experience has shown, often does, bring unhappiness to all concerned.

Yet the arrangement itself is good, with real potential for bringing happiness, as even persons whose marriages have failed may acknowledge. Thus a 47-year-old New Jersey businessman, after a two-year legal separation, began courting his wife again, explaining: “What I missed was something that had taken a lifetime to build. I knew by a look, by a half sentence exactly what my wife was thinking. And, she is the only one who really understands me . . .

“I missed driving my kids to school every morning. I would take them out to dinner several times a week, but it wasn’t the same. The spontaneity and easiness of our relationship was gone. People need structure. They are taught for many years to value a home and a family and suddenly they think they can throw it all away​—well, they can’t. I couldn’t.”

The Only Sure Answer

So the key to a successful marriage is following the guidelines of the Creator of marriage, Jehovah God. Yet this may be doubted. Nevertheless, the fact remains, the Bible’s guidance has helped many couples to enjoy a happy life together. Unfortunately, few persons know about the fine instruction that the Bible provides for husbands and wives, and fewer still follow that instruction.

For a moment, then, consider just a portion of the advice that the Bible gives couples: “Husbands must always treat their wives with consideration in their life together, respecting a woman as one who, though she may be the weaker partner, is equally an heir to the life of grace.” “You too, each one of you, must love his wife as he loves himself.”​—1 Pet. 3:7; Eph. 5:33, The Jerusalem Bible.

Yes, husbands are to take the initiative in showing consideration to their wives. They have the greater responsibility for conditions in the family. The Bible shows why when it says: “A husband is head of his wife.” (Eph. 5:23) To many women in this world of women’s liberation, this may sound distasteful. But need it be? Not when the headship is exercised properly, in a loving way, with the husband considering the opinions, likes and dislikes of his wife, and even giving her preference when there is no issue at stake. In this way he follows the Bible counsel to show his wife consideration.

The Bible also urges: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands,” and, “The wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Eph. 5:22, 33) God purposed that a wife work along with her husband, serving as a helper, a complement to him. (Gen. 2:18, 24) What a fine arrangement this can be, especially when each partner follows this further Bible counsel: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely”!​—Col. 3:12, 13.

When couples truly recognize that marriage is a Divine arrangement and when God’s guidance is sought and followed, then marriage can bring husbands and wives a lifetime of genuine happiness. Does this mean, however, that divorce is never the answer to marriage problems?

Ideally, it shouldn’t be. Yet the situation may arise where a husband or a wife flouts the sacredness of the marital arrangement and engages in sex relations with a person other than his or her marriage mate, or even with an animal. Such conduct is what the Greeks called porneia, or sexual immorality. And the Greek text at Matthew 19:9 states that porneia is the only basis on which Christians can properly get a divorce and remarry.

Unfortunately, God’s counsel is often not applied today, many times because people do not know about it. Then troubles usually result. We can learn from the experiences of others. So we invite you to read the following story of a young woman and her divorce.

My Divorce​—A Second Chance at Life?

AS I sat next to my attorney in the judge’s chambers, thoughts of my impending freedom raced through my mind. Within the next few hours, I would be free to date, to go where I wanted to go, to make my own decisions​—free to do what I wanted to do!

At that point, in December 1974, there wasn’t much more besides my freedom that I really wanted out of life. I was 29 years old, and a mother of two sons. I had a nice home in a quiet suburb in northern Ohio, and a secure job with an insurance agency where I had worked since graduating from high school. I figured that I had most of the things that every woman wants​—children, a home and a good job. The major mistake that I made in life, my marriage, was about to be erased with the stroke of the judge’s pen.

The intrigue of our promiscuous society increased my desire for freedom. Moral standards had changed radically since I married back in 1966. Now I could try out all the things that the young girls were talking about in the office​—do my own thing, and not be accountable to anyone. I was really going to make something out of this second opportunity. There were so many places that I wanted to go and things that I wanted to do.

I felt sure that I could handle whatever came up. I had read many books regarding divorce. And with the information that I had gathered from the books, coupled with vast “knowledge” obtained from TV dramas and office gossip, I was all set to go out and really enjoy life.

Why the Decision

My eight years of marriage had left me with nothing but unhappy memories. Our house had become like a motel, just a place in which to eat and sleep. My husband and I both worked, supposedly to make a good life for our sons. When we weren’t working, we’d spend our time together arguing. We very seldom spent time with the boys because we were so busy​—my husband was trying to make the ‘big money.’

Still, the decision to get a divorce was not an easy one. There had never been a divorce in our family in over five generations. But after another one of our violent arguments, I finally decided I couldn’t go on living under those conditions.

When I initially decided to get a divorce, I told no one but a close friend and my parents. I figured that I had gotten into this mess by myself, and I’d get out the same way. Well, it didn’t take long for the news to get around. Many of our close friends gave me moral support. And free advice? Well, there was certainly plenty of that. However, I later learned that most of it was incorrect. But their intentions appeared genuine, and I needed someone to talk with when I fell into periods of depression.

My parents took the news of my divorce much better than I had anticipated. I had always been rather close to them, but not to the point of having confidential conversations regarding my married life. They never interfered, although there were many times when they were aware of the beatings and abusive treatment that I had received.

I wasn’t married until I was 21 years old, and most of my childhood was spent on a farm in Ohio. Although my parents never came out and told my younger brother and me how much they loved us, they demonstrated their love by their actions; we didn’t feel that the words were necessary. After I had filed for divorce, I learned that my parents had been aware of my husband’s infidelity, but they had never told me. They didn’t want to see me hurt.

Adjustments Made

Since it took almost a year for the divorce to go through, I was able to make many adjustments gradually. One of them was in connection with my job. Because of the change in marital status, it was necessary to bring home a higher salary. I discussed this with my bosses, after some prodding from friends involved with the women’s liberation movement.

I told my bosses that I felt that I was able to do a man’s job; hence, I was entitled to higher pay. They decided to give me a chance to prove it. They made me supervisor over three girls whom I had previously worked alongside.

But with a bigger paycheck came greater responsibility, and with it changes that were not always pleasant. I could no longer sit in with the girls and have long conversations regarding their exciting night lives. Now my job was to make sure that they got their work done. The close relationship that we had once seemed to share disappeared. They no longer considered me their confidant.

Things at home didn’t change that much. I continued to follow the same routine of going to work each day, taking the children to the baby-sitter and handling the household finances. The only major change was going out evenings to pursue some of my own interests. On occasion I would take the children with me, especially if I were playing tennis, or attending a new craft class. Something was planned for almost every night of the week.

My friends helped to plan my weekends. They arranged dates, introducing me to other divorced friends. I soon learned a very important fact​—I was no different from most other divorcées. One night at a disco spot, I sat at a table with sixteen divorced people. For five hours I listened to them tell how rotten their ex-mates had been, and how they had been taken for everything. You would have thought someone was playing a tape recorder, only changing the names. They were so filled with self-pity, and/​or liquor, they couldn’t have cared less where they were going in life.

One thing that all divorcées seem to share in common is loneliness. But was sitting in a bar drinking and crying in one’s beer the answer? Many would end up going home with a partner to spend a “meaningful” evening . . . in bed. After continuing this pace for about six months, my mother very nicely reminded me that the life I was leading was no different from that of my ex-husband.

I finally realized that there was more to life than what I was doing. Looking at my sons, I asked myself: “If I were in their place, would I be proud of my mother? Is this the life that I want for them?” If they weren’t staying with a baby-sitter, they were over at a friend’s house while I went out.

Interest in Sons’ Welfare

I decided to take a more active interest in my sons. Although they were only ages seven and five, they had a much greater insight than I had given them credit for. One Sunday, I told the boys that I would take them to church; neither one had been there before. Since my husband and I had been of two different religions, we could never decide which church to attend. So we just didn’t go at all.

A big jolt came one day when my younger son asked me, ‘Does God have a son?’ I was appalled to think that my sons had no knowledge of God, and yet, as I looked back over my eight years of marriage, I could see why. My husband and I were so busy working to make a ‘good life’ for them, we never thought about religion. The only time that they heard about God or Christ was when my husband and I were arguing, and then the names were used profanely.

One evening, while I was attending an open house at school, I met a neighbor that I hadn’t seen for some time. About five years before, we both had studied the Bible with one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I had stopped after only two studies because my husband threatened violent action if I continued. I asked her how the Witness was doing, explaining that I was concerned because I had two sons to raise who had no knowledge of God or of the Bible. She immediately made arrangements for the Witness to call. Two days later she came.

The Help Received

For an hour a week, we’d sit and discuss my problems. The Witness would show me how to apply the Bible’s fine principles. For instance, I was somewhat lax in disciplining the boys. After all, I had deprived them of a father, and being the only parent, I didn’t want to spend all my time yelling at them. And wasn’t I showing them love by holding back discipline?

Not according to the Bible, I learned. I was shown the scripture at Proverbs 13:24, which says: “The one holding back his rod is hating his son, but the one loving him is he that does look for him with discipline.”

I thoroughly enjoyed the knowledge that I was gaining. I never realized before that the Bible has a main theme​—God’s kingdom—​the Kingdom that we pray for every time we say the Lord’s Prayer. (Matt. 6:9, 10; Luke 4:43) This kingdom will rule the whole earth, and its subjects won’t have to die and leave loved ones behind. Learning such things began to bring me the happiness for which I was looking, a happiness that I could share with my sons.

Soon I started attending meetings at the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and found this a truly heartwarming experience. There I noted no children running around, no pushing or shoving, no foul language, no groups of women gossiping about others. I’d never received such a warm and loving reception. Here were people that I had never met before showing a genuine concern for both my sons and me. Six months later I was baptized in symbol of my dedication to serve the true God, Jehovah.

“If I Had Only Known Then”

Don’t think I haven’t wondered whether I might have been able to save my marriage if I had only known then what I do now. I’ve learned that it takes three “C’s” to make a good marriage​—consideration, cooperation and communication.

My husband and I failed to cultivate them. We became so wrapped up in our own personal lives, we didn’t really consider one another as we should have. Oh, we were busy, so we thought, making a ‘good life’ for our family, but we weren’t alert to the feelings or real needs of the family. We began pulling apart, rather than cooperating together. And this affected communication.

Despite what some people say, couples can’t solve all their problems in the bedroom. They may have a wonderful sexual relationship, but what lasting good is it if they can’t sit down and discuss their problems? Many people think that because they’ve been married for a period of time they know exactly what the other person is thinking. This is not always so, as I learned the hard way. You can’t help someone if you don’t know what the problem is, and second-guessing doesn’t provide the answer, nor generally does divorce.

Yet millions of persons today are looking to divorce as the answer. They are inclined to treat their marriage much like a material possession​—if the quality doesn’t meet their expectations, they discard it and seek something better. Attention is only directed inward​—on what pleases and satisfies oneself. Personal fulfillment is emphasized as all-important. ‘You have a right to happiness,’ the propaganda says. ‘You only live once, and you deserve the best.’

This selfish spirit had influenced me. My principal concern had become my own happiness​—freedom to do what I wanted. Many times I have looked back and wondered, ‘What was it that I was really looking for?’ Was it just a good time? But I soon realized that there’s more to life than dancing and ‘having fun’ at all-night discos. Was I hoping to meet someone with whom to share my life? If so, did I really hope to find him in a bar?

Then there was the hard question: Was I just looking for love with no commitment? But let’s face it, that’s not real love; it’s just gratification. It doesn’t bring genuine happiness. I am so glad that I woke up and started thinking of ones other than myself​—the children. And how thankful I am that I was directed to where I could get the right kind of help.

A Life with Meaning

I began to appreciate what real love is. The Bible, at 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5, describes how it is manifest: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury.”

Yes, love is genuine concern for the interests of others! It is active; it does things. And I have found that exercising such love is the key to real happiness, even as Jesus Christ said: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.”​—Acts 20:35.

Daily I see such Christlike love practiced among the Christian people with whom I now regularly associate. Among them there’s no foul language, drunkenness, belittling others or the telling of dirty jokes so as to be the life of the party. Rather, there exists a warm and loving atmosphere centered around the family.

It’s no easy task raising two sons alone, but with the fine example and help of Christian associates and the inspired guidance provided in God’s Word, the results are heartwarming. The boys are developing a good conscience toward God, and are beginning to think of others before themselves. Even though they are without their father, they have come to know that there is a God who cares​—Jehovah. My greatest joy is watching them grow in knowledge and appreciation of this One who will never forsake his servants, but will bless them with everlasting life. (Ps. 133:3)​—Contributed.