When Someone You Love Dies . . .

Ricky and MaryAnne had been happily married for 18 years and had one child. But for about a year Ricky had been having pain in his shoulder. By the summer of 1981, it had intensified and he was slowly becoming paralyzed. Emergency surgery revealed a cancerous tumor high up on his spine. Several months later, on February 2, 1982, Ricky died at the age of 48. “It was hard to accept,” explains MaryAnne. “For a long time it was like he was still going to walk in the door.”

HAVE you, or someone you know, had a similar experience? When someone you love dies, feelings and attitudes may surface that you’ve never before experienced. Perhaps you wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. Or, like MaryAnne, you have difficulty accepting it, although some time has gone by.

Nevertheless, you can recover​—not forget, but recover. ‘But how?’ you ask. Well, before we can answer that, it’s helpful to know more about how it feels when a loved one dies. Recently Awake! interviewed a number of persons who had lost a loved one in death. Their comments appear in this series of articles. It can be reassuring to know that others have felt as you may feel. And understanding how they have dealt with their feelings may be of great help to you.

Recalls MaryAnne in explaining how she felt just after Ricky died: “I would talk about him incessantly. It was a way of keeping him alive. For the first year I was in a state of shock. There are so many things that you have to do to get your affairs in order. You get so involved with those things that you don’t have time to deal with the emotional part of it.

“I ended up in the hospital with high blood pressure. Finally, while I was in the hospital, away from the pressure of home and everything else, then I was able to face what had happened to me. It was like, ‘Where do I go from here?’”

An unusual reaction? Not really. When first learning that a loved one has died, it’s rather common to go into psychological shock. As others who have experienced it say: “You hear what’s said to you and yet you don’t hear everything. Your mind is partially focused in present reality and partially not.”

This shock may act almost like an anesthetic. How so? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “It’s a kind of protection that allows the enormity of what’s happened to sink in gradually.” Such shock may help cushion you against the full emotional impact of your loss. As Stella, a widow in New York City, explained: “You’re stunned. You don’t feel anything.”

“There Must Be Some Mistake!”

Along with this initial numbness, it’s not uncommon to go through various forms of denial. “There must be some mistake!” can often be heard during the early hours of grief. For some the loss is difficult to accept, particularly if they weren’t with their loved one when he or she died. Recalls Stella: “I didn’t see my husband die; it happened in the hospital. So it was hard to believe that he was dead. He went out to the store that day, and it was as if he would be coming back.”

You know your loved one has died, yet your habits and memories may deny it. For example, explains Lynn Caine in her book Widow: “When something funny happened, I’d say to myself, ‘Oh, wait until I tell Martin about this tonight! He’ll never believe it.’ There were times in my office when I would stretch out my hand to the telephone to call him, to chat. Reality always intervened before I dialed.”

Others have done similar things, such as consistently setting the wrong number of plates for dinner or reaching for the departed one’s favorite foods in the supermarket. Some even have vivid dreams of the deceased or imagine seeing him on the street. It’s not uncommon for survivors to fear that they’re going out of their mind. But these are common reactions to such a drastic change in one’s life.

Eventually, though, the pain cuts through, perhaps bringing with it other feelings that you weren’t prepared to deal with.

“He Left Us!”

“My kids would get upset and say, ‘He left us!’” explained Corrine, whose husband died about two years ago. “I’d tell them, ‘He didn’t leave you. He didn’t have any control over what happened to him.’ But then I’d think to myself, ‘Here I am telling them that, and I’m feeling the same way!’” Yes, surprising as it may seem, anger quite often accompanies grief.

It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. As Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.”

And sometimes there’s anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor. Explains Corrine: “I’m not used to handling all the responsibilities of caring for the house and the family. You can’t call on others for every little thing. Sometimes I get angry about that.”

On the heels of anger often comes another feeling​—guilt.

“He Wouldn’t Have Died if Only I Had . . .”

Some feel guilty because of anger​—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s dying. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times they got angry at or argued with the departed one. Or they may feel that they really were not all that they should have been to the deceased. They are tormented by thoughts such as, ‘I should have​—or shouldn’t have—​done this or that.’

Mike, a young man in his early 20’s, recalls: “I never had a good relationship with my father. It was only in recent years that I really even started talking to him. Now [since his father died] there are so many things I feel I should have done or said.” Of course, the fact that now there’s no way to make it up may only add to the frustration and guilt.

As difficult as it is to lose a spouse, a parent, a brother, or a sister in death, what some consider to be the most tragic loss of all is the death of a child.

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Common Grief Reactionsa

Shock​—(“I don’t feel anything”)

Denial​—(“There must be some mistake!”)

Anger​—(“How could he leave me like this?”)

Guilt​—(“He wouldn’t have died if only I had . . .”)

Anxiety​—(“What will become of me now?”)

Fear of insanity​—(“I think I’m losing my mind”)

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 4]

“Dead? I can’t believe it!”

[Picture on page 5]

Many survivors go through feelings of guilt: “If only I had . . .”

What a Parent Feels

GENEAL had taken her six children​—five girls and one boy—​for a vacation to visit some friends in upstate New York. One day the girls decided to go into town. The son Jimmy and another boy asked if they could go hiking. The boys were told to be very careful and to return by early afternoon.

By late afternoon the boys hadn’t returned. “The later it got, the more worried I grew,” recalls Geneal. “I thought maybe one of them had got hurt and the other wouldn’t leave him.” The search continued through the night. Early the next morning they were found and everyone’s worst fears were confirmed​—the boys had fallen to their death. Though ten years have gone by, Geneal explains: “I’ll never forget when that police officer walked into the house. His face was extremely pale. I knew what he was going to tell me even before he said a word.”

And the feelings? They go beyond the common feelings that accompany other losses. As Geneal explains: “I gave birth to Jimmy. He was only 12 years old when he died. He had his whole life ahead of him. I have had other losses in my life. But the feeling is different when you’re a parent and your child dies.”

The death of a child has been described as “the ultimate loss,” “the most devastating death.” Why? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “A child’s death is so unexpected. It’s out of order, unnatural. . . . Parents expect to look after their children, keep them safe, and raise them to be normal, healthy adults. When a child dies, it’s as if the rug has been pulled out from underneath us.”

In some respects it’s particularly hard for the mother. After all, as Geneal explained, something that has come out of her has died. Thus the Bible acknowledges the bitter grief that a mother can feel. (2 Kings 4:27) Of course, it’s difficult for the bereaved father as well. He also feels the pain, the hurt. (Compare Genesis 42:36-38 and; 2 Samuel 18:33.) But often he will hold back from openly expressing his emotions for fear of appearing unmasculine. It may hurt him, too, when others express more concern for his wife’s feelings than for his.

Sometimes a bereaved parent comes to have a special sense of guilt. There may be thoughts such as, ‘Could I have loved him more?’ ‘Did I tell him I loved him often enough?’ and ‘I would have held him more.’ Or, as Geneal expressed it: “I wish I could have spent more time with Jimmy.”

It’s natural for parents to feel responsible for their child. But at times bereaved parents will blame themselves, feeling that they failed to do something that could have prevented the death. For example, the Bible describes the patriarch Jacob’s reaction when he was led to believe that his young son Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So perhaps he was plagued with guilt feelings such as, ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’ Thus, Jacob’s “sons and all his daughters kept rising up to comfort him, but he kept refusing to take comfort.”​—Genesis 37:33-35.

As if the loss of their child were not enough, some report another loss​—the loss of friends. Friends may actually stay away. Why? Geneal observed: “A lot of people shy away because they don’t know what to say to you.”

When a Baby Dies

Juanita knew how it felt to lose a baby. By the time she was in her early 20’s, she had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor​—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born​—just over two pounds (0.9 kg). “I was so excited,” she recalls. “I was finally a mother!”

But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.”

An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they explain, it is loved by its parents. When that baby dies, it’s a real person that’s lost. Gone are the parents’ hopes of taking care of the one who’s been moving inside its mother’s womb.

Following such a loss, it’s understandable that the newly bereaved parent may feel uncomfortable around other pregnant women and mothers with their children. Recalls Juanita: “I couldn’t stand to see a pregnant woman. Why, there were times when I actually left a store right in the middle of shopping just because I saw a pregnant woman.”

Then there are other feelings​—such as fear (‘Will I ever have a normal child?’) or embarrassment (‘What do I tell friends and relatives?’) or anger. Recalls Bonnie whose daughter died two and a half days after birth: “There were times when I felt, ‘Why me? Why my little baby?’” And sometimes there’s humiliation. Juanita explains: “There were mothers leaving the hospital with their babies, and all I had was a stuffed animal that my husband had bought. I felt humiliated.”

If you have lost a loved one in death, it can be helpful to know that what you’re going through is normal, that others have gone through the same thing and have felt similarly.

How Others Can Help

“IF THERE’S anything I can do, just let me know,” we may say to the newly bereaved friend or relative. Oh, we sincerely mean it. We would do anything to help.

But does the bereaved one ever call us and say, “I’ve thought of something you can do to help me”? Not usually. Clearly, we need to take the initiative if we are truly to assist and comfort one who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

A Bible proverb says: “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.” (Proverbs 25:11; 15:23) There is wisdom in knowing what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do. Here are a few helpful suggestions that are based on what some bereaved persons told Awake!

What to Do . . .

Listen: One of the most helpful things you can do is to share the bereaved one’s pain by listening. So ask, “Would you care to talk about it?” Let him decide. Talmadge recalls when his father died: “It really helped me when others asked what happened and then really listened.” So listen patiently and sympathetically. “Weep with people who weep,” recommends the Bible.​—Romans 12:15; James 1:19.

Provide reassurance: Assure them that they did all that was possible (or whatever else you know to be true and positive). Reassure them that what they’re feeling may not be at all uncommon. Tell them of others you know of who successfully recovered from a similar loss.​—Proverbs 16:24; 1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14.

Be available: Make yourself available, not just for the first few days when many friends and relatives are present, but months later when others have returned to their normal routine. “Our friends made sure that our evenings were taken up so that we didn’t have to spend too much time at home alone,” explains Teresea, whose child died in a car accident. “That helped us cope with the empty feeling we had.”​—Compare Acts 28:15.

Take the initiative: “Many people just went ahead and did things for me,” recalls Cindy. “They didn’t simply ask, ‘What can I do?’” So take the initiative. Instead of a “come any time” invitation, set a date and time. If the bereaved one at first refuses, don’t give up too easily. Be like the hospitable woman Lydia mentioned in the Bible. After being invited to her home, Luke says, “She just made us come.”​—Acts 16:15.

Expect negative emotions: Don’t be too surprised at what bereaved ones may at first say. Remember, they may be feeling angry and guilty. If emotional outbursts are directed at you, it will take insight and compassion on your part not to respond with irritation.​—Colossians 3:12, 13.

Write a letter: Often overlooked is the value of a condolence letter. Its advantage? Answers Cindy: “One friend wrote me a nice letter. That really helped because I could read it over and over again.” Such a letter need not be long, but it should give of your heart.

Pray with them: Don’t underestimate the value of your prayers with and for bereaved ones. The Bible says: “A righteous man’s supplication . . . has much force.” (James 5:16) For example, hearing you pray in their behalf can help them resolve such negative feelings as guilt.​—Compare James 5:13-15.

What Not to Do . . .

Don’t pressure them to stop grieving: “There, there, now, don’t cry,” we may want to say. But it may be better to let the tears come. “I think it’s important to allow bereaved ones to show their emotion and really get it out,” says Katherine, reflecting on her husband’s death.​—Romans 12:15.

Don’t say, ‘You can have another baby’: “I resented people telling me I could have another child,” recalls Teresea. They may mean well, but to the grieving parent words to the effect that the lost child can be replaced can ‘stab like a sword.’ (Proverbs 12:18) One child can’t totally replace another.

Don’t necessarily avoid mentioning the departed one: “A lot of people wouldn’t even mention my son Jimmy’s name or talk about him,” recalls Geneal. “I must admit I felt a little hurt when others did that.” So don’t necessarily change the subject. Ask the person whether he needs to talk about his loved one. Some bereaved persons appreciate hearing friends tell of the special qualities that endeared the departed one to them.

Don’t be too quick to say, ‘It was for the best’: Trying to find something positive about the death is not always comforting. Recalls Cindy: “Others would say, ‘She’s not suffering’ or, ‘At least she’s in peace.’ But I didn’t want to hear that.”

It may be better not to say, ‘I know how you feel’: Do you really? For example, can you possibly know what a parent feels when a child dies if you have not experienced it yourself? And even if you have suffered a similar loss, realize that others may not feel precisely as you felt.​—Compare Lamentations 1:12.

To help a bereaved person will call for compassion, discernment, and much love on your part. Don’t wait for the bereaved one to come to you. Don’t simply say, “If there’s anything I can do . . .” Use your initiative to do something helpful.

How You Can Cope

“I FELT a lot of pressure on me to hold in my feelings,” explains Mike, in recalling his father’s death. It taught him a valuable lesson. So when Mike’s friend lost his grandfather, what did Mike say? “A couple of years ago I would have patted him on the shoulder and said, ‘Be a man.’ But now I touched his arm and said, ‘Feel however you have to feel. It will help you to deal with it. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. But don’t be afraid to feel.’”

MaryAnne also felt pressure to hold in her feelings when her husband died. “I was so worried about being a good example to others,” she recalls, “that I did not permit myself the normal feelings. I felt that’s what others expected of me. But I eventually learned that trying to be a pillar of strength for others wasn’t helping me. I began analyzing my situation and saying, ‘Pick yourself up now. You’ve wallowed in self-pity long enough. Cry if you have to cry. Don’t try to be too strong. Get it out of your system.’”

So both Mike and MaryAnne recommend: Let yourself grieve! And mental health experts agree. As the book Death and Grief in the Family notes: “The most important thing about grieving is to do it, to go through the process of healing.” Why?

“It’s a release,” one psychologist told Awake! “Releasing your feelings can relieve the pressure you’re under.” Another doctor added: “The natural expression of emotions, if coupled with understanding and accurate information, lets the person put his feelings in proper perspective.”

Of course, not everyone expresses grief in the same way. And such factors as whether the loved one died suddenly or death came after a long illness would have a bearing on the emotional reaction of the survivors. But one thing appears certain: Repressing your feelings can be harmful both physically and emotionally. So don’t be afraid to release your grief. But how?

Releasing Grief​—How?

Talking can be a helpful release. As Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) And if the listener is a bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his own loss you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope.

Communicating your feelings can also help to clear up misunderstandings. Teresea explains: “We heard of other couples that got divorced after losing a child, and we didn’t want that to happen to us. So any time we felt angry, wanting to blame each other, we would talk it out. I think we really grew closer together by doing that.” Thus talking out your feelings can help you to understand that another may grieve differently.

Cindy found that talking out her feelings with a close friend helped her to cope when her mother died. She recalls: “My friend was always there for me. She cried with me. She talked with me. I could just be so open with my emotions, and that was important to me. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about crying.”

Cindy touches on something else that can facilitate the release of grief​—crying. In many cases the tears flow automatically. But in some cultures people repress this valuable outlet. How so? Explains the book The Sorrow and the Fury: “Society regards as inferior anyone who sheds tears when he feels hurt, angry or lonely. The medals belong to the stoics, pained though they may feel within.”

Especially do men often feel the need to hold back tears. After all, they are taught, a “real” man doesn’t cry. A healthy attitude? Answers the book Recovering From the Loss of a Child: “The honest gut emotion of cleansing the soul with tears of grief is akin to lancing a wound to drain the infection. A man or a woman is entitled to the right of expiating sorrow.”

And the Bible agrees. Thus, we read how “Abraham came in to bewail Sarah [his wife] and to weep over her,” and how David “began to wail and weep” when King Saul and Jonathan died. (Genesis 23:2; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12) And what about Jesus Christ? Surely he was a “real” man beyond compare. Yet when his dear friend Lazarus died, Jesus “groaned in the spirit and became troubled,” and shortly afterward he “gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) So, then, is it really unmanly to cry?

Dealing With Guilt

As noted in the previous articles, some have feelings of guilt after losing a loved one in death. Realizing that it’s rather normal to feel that way can be helpful in itself. And, here again, don’t keep such feelings to yourself. Talking about how guilty you feel can provide a necessary release.

Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. If so, realize that no matter how much we love another person, we can’t control his or her life. We can’t prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Besides, no doubt your motives weren’t bad. For example, in not making a doctor’s appointment sooner, did you intend for your loved one to get sick and die? Of course not! Then are you really guilty of causing that one’s death?

Teresea learned to deal with the guilt after her daughter died in a car accident. She explains: “I felt guilty that I had sent her out. But I came to realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way. There was nothing wrong with sending her with her father to run an errand. It was just a terrible accident.”

‘But there are so many things I wish I had said or done,’ you may say. True, but who of us can say that we’ve been the perfect father, mother, or child? The Bible reminds us: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2; Romans 5:12) So accept the fact that you are not perfect. Dwelling upon all kinds of “if onlys” won’t change anything, but it may slow up your recovery.

If you feel that your guilt is real, not imagined, then consider the most important factor of all in allaying guilt​—God’s forgiveness. The Bible assures us: “If you kept a record of our sins, who could escape being condemned? But you forgive us, so that we should reverently obey you.” (Psalm 130:3, 4, Today’s English Version) You can’t move back into the past and change anything. But you can beg God’s forgiveness for past mistakes. Then what? Well, if God promises to wipe the slate clean, shouldn’t you do the same?​—Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9.

Dealing With Anger

Do you also feel a bit angry, perhaps at doctors, nurses, friends, or even the one that died? Realize that this, too, is a rather common reaction to loss. Why? Explains one psychologist: “Hurt and anger go together. For example, when someone hurts your feelings, you have a tendency to get angry. Anger is a protective, defensive emotion.”

So ask yourself: ‘Why am I angry?’ If you can’t come up with a satisfactory answer, then perhaps your anger is the natural accompaniment of the hurt you feel. Recognizing this can help. As the book The Sorrow and the Fury explains: “Only by becoming aware of the anger​—not acting on it but knowing you feel it—​can you be free of its destructive effect.”

It may also help to express the anger. How? Certainly not in uncontrolled outbursts. The Bible warns that prolonged anger can be dangerous. (Proverbs 14:29, 30) But some express their anger in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release. Others find that vigorously exercising when they are angry helps. And you may find comfort in talking about it with an understanding friend.

While it’s important to be open and honest about your feelings, a word of caution is in order. Explains the book The Ultimate Loss: “There must be a distinction drawn between expressing [anger or frustration], one to another, and dumping it on each other. . . . We need to let each other know that while we are acting out our emotions, we are not blaming each other for causing them.” So be mindful of talking out your feelings in a nonthreatening way.​—Proverbs 18:21.

Beyond these suggestions, there is another aid in coping with grief. ‘What is that?’ you ask.a

Help From God

The Bible assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) Yes, more than anything else, a relationship with God can help you to cope with the death of someone you love. How?

First, it can help you to deal with your grief now. Many of the practical suggestions offered thus far have been based on God’s Word, the Bible. Applying such principles can help you cope.

In addition, do not underestimate the value of prayer. The Bible urges us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) If, as we’ve already noted, talking out your feelings to a sympathetic friend can help, how much more so will pouring out your heart to “the God of all comfort” help you.​—2 Corinthians 1:3, 4.

It’s not that the benefits of prayer are just psychological. The “Hearer of prayer” promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it. (Psalm 65:2; Luke 11:13) And that holy spirit, or active force, can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to go from one day to the next. (2 Corinthians 4:7) Remember: There is no problem that a faithful servant faces that God cannot help him to endure.​—Compare 1 Corinthians 10:13.

A second way that a relationship with God helps us to cope with grief is that it inspires hope. Consider: How would you feel if you knew that it was possible to be reunited with your dead loved one in the near future right here on earth under righteous conditions? A thrilling prospect indeed! But is it realistic? Jesus promised: “The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”​—John 5:28, 29; Revelation 20:13; 21:3, 4.

Can we really believe such a promise? Well, since Jehovah God created life in the first place, should he not be capable of restoring to life someone who has already lived? Further, since “God, who cannot lie,” has promised to do so, can he not be trusted to carry out his word?​—Titus 1:2; Isaiah 55:10, 11.

Mike firmly believes so. With strong faith in that resurrection hope, he notes: “I’ve got to think about what I should be doing to please God now, so that when my dad comes back in the resurrection, I’ll be there to meet him.”

Jehovah’s Witnesses will gladly assist you to learn more about this heart-stirring hope. Such hope makes a difference. No, it doesn’t eliminate the pain, but it can make it easier to bear. That doesn’t mean that you’ll no longer cry or will forget your loved one. But you can recover. And as you do, what you have experienced can make you more understanding and sympathetic in helping others to cope with a similar loss.

[Footnotes]

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Some Practical Suggestions

Rely on friends: If others offer to help, let them. Understand that it may be their way of showing you how they feel; perhaps they can’t find the right words.

Take care of your health: Your body needs sufficient rest, healthful exercise, and proper nourishment as much as ever. If you’ve been neglecting your health, a checkup by your family doctor might be in order.

Postpone major decisions: If possible, why not wait until you are thinking more clearly before you decide whether to sell your house or to change your job?​—Proverbs 21:5.

Make allowances for others: Try to be patient. Realize that it’s awkward for them. Not knowing what to say, they may clumsily say the wrong thing.

Don’t be unduly anxious: You may find yourself worrying, ‘What will become of me now?’ The Bible counsels to take one day at a time. “Living more on a day-to-day basis really helps me,” explains one widow.​—Matthew 6:25-34.