True Friends​—Why So Hard to Find?

“I WANT to have a million friends.” So goes a popular Brazilian song. But just what is a friend? At times the word “friend” is used so loosely that it is applied to practically every acquaintance who is not hostile. A true friend, however, is more than a mere acquaintance. Concerning friendship, Francis Bacon wrote: “It redoubleth joys and cutteth griefs in half.”

To be sure, a true friend is one who adds to your happiness and who, when needed, helps you cope with sorrow. A person without friends, therefore, cannot be completely happy. Millions, though, complain that finding true friends is difficult.

Why True Friends Are Hard to Find

The Bible foretold that today men and women would be “lovers of themselves, . . . self-assuming, haughty, . . . unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride.” (2 Timothy 3:1-4) No wonder, then, that loyal friends are hard to find! The environment in which people are raised works against their developing the qualities needed in a friend.

But there are other factors. Some people are superficial, concerned only with the surface aspects of life. Others are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary for friendship. “Don’t get involved!” is the advice one hears so often these days. The world’s emphasis on materialism has also taken its toll on friendship. People often prefer possessions​—even dogs and cats—​to people. Any love they might show to fellow humans tends to be superficial. As one elderly woman observed: “They love, but from a distance.” Even in cultures where profuse hugging and kissing are common courtesies, there may be a lack of real support when dire need strikes.

A lack of time, too, is a common hindrance to friendship. In their daily rush, often people are too busy or too exhausted to cultivate friendships. Or some may feel that friends must be treated to lavish entertainment and thus conclude they cannot afford friends!

Shallow Friendships

Many people, nevertheless, claim that they do have friends. But how much depth is there to such relationships? Often a person takes an interest in someone because of what that one has to offer, not because of what he is. Such friendships are therefore likely to be short-lived, for as soon as the “friend” ceases to be useful, he or she is promptly discarded.

Even having things in common is not always a sufficient basis for a lasting friendship. The Brazil Herald once told of two close “friends” who enjoyed making the rounds of taverns and drinking heavily on weekends. Once, though, they got into a dispute over which one of them was the better he-man. To prove his claim, one of them emptied his gun into the other. The killer later said that he had murdered his “best friend.”

In spite of all the difficulties and obstacles in the way of friendship, however, the fact remains that we all have an innate need for friends. Where and how, then, can they be found?

True Friends​—How to Find Them

“THE only way to have a friend is to be one,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. Many, though, have chosen the route of solitude. Rather than reaching out and being a friend, they cut others off. The result? “People who spend a lot of time by themselves tend to feel ‘very passive, unhappy, left out of the world,’” a Brazilian newspaper quoted a researcher as saying. He continued: “When there’s nothing else to do, when there’s no one to talk to, you turn inwards. It’s much easier to get caught up in your problems.”

You need not reach such a stage, however. Almost anyone can learn to be a friend and thus gain friends. But how does a person start? A big factor in the ability to make friends is our own personality. An ancient proverb truthfully says: “A man’s attraction lies in his kindness.” (Proverbs 19:22, The Jerusalem Bible) True friendship, therefore, comes to those who express kindness. For example, when we let others know we appreciate them, they are more likely to take an interest in us.

A kind person also listens to others. Someone who dominates the conversation or talks excessively about himself will have a hard time finding anyone who is interested in his feelings and aspirations. Kindness also means watching what we say to others. “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) To illustrate: You may notice that someone is depressed or consumed with worry. Says a proverb: “Worry can rob you of happiness, but kind words will cheer you up.” (Proverbs 12:25, Today’s English Version) On such an occasion, your healing tongue could win a loyal friend for you.

The Value of Loyalty

The writer of Proverbs 18:24 showed deep insight into human relationships when he wrote: “Some friends bring ruin on us, but a true friend is more loyal than a brother.” (The New American Bible) Yes, who wants a fair-weather friend? But consider the example of David and Jonathan. Jonathan could have had ill will toward David, since Jonathan was the heir to the throne of Israel but knew that David would actually become king. Yet Jonathan showed loyalty, not jealousy, toward David, even risking his life on David’s behalf.​—1 Samuel 18:1-3; 20:17, 31, 32; 2 Samuel 1:26.

Ruth was another loyal friend. Rather than abandoning her mother-in-law Naomi, she stuck with her. In fact, observers rightly declared that Ruth was ‘better than seven sons’ to Naomi.​—Ruth 1:16, 17; 4:15.

Do you show such loyalty? For example, when you observe flaws in your associates, do you thoughtlessly reveal them to others?

But what if someone dear to you has a serious fault that needs immediate attention? The loyal friend does not hold back from telling the truth out of fear of the other person’s reaction. “The wounds inflicted by a lover are faithful,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 27:6) This, of course, does not mean that you should be harsh or tactless. Christians in ancient Galatia once needed some outspoken correction. But note how skillfully the apostle Paul handled the situation and then asked: “Well, then, have I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” (Galatians 4:16) A true friend will love you for ‘telling the truth,’ even if it is corrective counsel.​—Proverbs 9:8.

Happiness in Giving

Genuine, lasting friendship does cost something. People who are always striving to get something without giving anything in return will never come to know the happiness Jesus spoke of when he said, “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” (Acts 20:35; Luke 6:31, 38) Therefore, learn to look at people from the standpoint of what you can do for them, instead of what you can get out of them.

The Bible encourages Christians to be “generous,” “liberal, ready to share.” (Proverbs 11:25; 1 Timothy 6:18) Your material resources may be quite limited, but what about your time? Do you have the habit of always being in a hurry? Friendship takes time, and unless a person is willing to make time for others, relationships will not thrive. For example, you may use the well-worn greeting “How are you?” But are you generous enough with your time to stop and be prepared to listen to the answer to this question? Remember that although Jesus Christ was very busy, he always found the time to attend to those who sought him out.​—Mark 6:31-34.

Keeping Our Friendships Alive

Once a friendship has been established, every effort should be made to keep it alive. True, as you get to know each other, certain weaknesses and flaws will become apparent. Yet you will do well to recognize and accept minor weaknesses. And when in doubt, the noble thing to do is to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, avoiding undue suspicion. ‘Put up with one another in love,’ counsels Paul. And Peter adds: “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”​—Ephesians 4:2; 1 Peter 4:8.

Then, too, how wise it is never to take friends for granted! Even the closest friends need some privacy. Lengthy, frequent, or untimely visits may eventually become wearisome and unwanted. Discernment and respect would suggest making arrangements beforehand when at all possible. Proverbs 25:17 counsels: “Make your foot rare at the house of your fellowman, that he may not have his sufficiency of you and certainly hate you.”

It is also the course of wisdom to avoid being overly inquisitive, personal, or possessive. Modesty will move us to avoid being dogmatic. Surely, friendship does not give us the right to force our opinions or personal tastes on one another. Indeed, if we are governed by “the wisdom from above,” we will be reasonable.​—James 3:17.

Be supportive of your friends, following Paul’s advice at Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep.” Yes, be willing to share your friends’ sorrows, disappointments, joys, and successes. Display a sense of humor, too, being willing to laugh at your own mistakes, not just those of others. Good-natured remarks can even serve to ease tension at awkward moments. Yes, friendship is work. But is it not worth the effort?

Finding True Friends

Where, though, can one find true friends? A good place to start would be the local congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses. These genuine Christians enjoy such good relations that they frequently refer to one another as “the friends,” as did their fellow believers of the first century. (3 John 14) Such ones have put away nationalism and racial pride, factors that alienate people. They are endeavoring to clothe themselves with what the Bible calls “the new personality.” This means cultivating such attractive qualities as “the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering.” (Colossians 3:10-12) You will certainly be able to find desirable friends among people who do this!

By associating with Jehovah’s Witnesses, you will also learn how to make friends with Jehovah God and his Son Jesus Christ. Said Jesus: “You are my friends if you do what I am commanding you.” (John 15:14) And Abraham of old was called “Jehovah’s friend.” Abraham attained that very desirable relationship because of his faith and righteous works, and you can do the same.​—James 2:23.

So while it is good to make the effort to cultivate earthly friends, be even more determined to establish friendly relations with our heavenly Friend Jehovah God. He will soon restore Paradise to this earth, allowing all his earthly servants to live in peace and security. Yes, earth’s inhabitants will then be surrounded by millions who will eternally prove to be true friends.​—Luke 23:43; Revelation 21:3, 4; Psalm 37:10, 11.

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A Friendship That Unites

Jehovah’s Witnesses are not only spiritual brothers and sisters but also friends. And since their friendship is based on mutual obedience to the commands of Jesus Christ, it is not limited by national boundaries. (John 15:14) This type of friendship receives God’s blessing, which keeps them just as united and secure as a flock of sheep are in their pen.​—Micah 2:12.

Often friendship and unity are absent at a construction site. Yet, when Jehovah’s Witnesses gather to construct their “quick-build” Kingdom Halls, a healthy spirit of cooperation and camaraderie is seen. For example, Witnesses from the United States, England, and Wales cooperated and shared their methods in building halls. The result?

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my life,” said Roger, a bricklayer from England. “I just couldn’t see carpenters working with bricklayers because it never happens in the world. But on a Kingdom Hall site you see brothers working on the roof, while carpenters and bricklayers work underneath with the painters and the carpet layers. All work together. It is wonderful!”

Mike, a father of two, from Wales noted that “everyone can share in that camaraderie.” And his friend Malcolm observed why, commenting: “When all the brothers work in unity as one, in God’s name, then he blesses that project with his spirit.”

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True friendship knows no age limit

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We can win true friends by being liberal, ready to share

Cultivating the Finest Friendship in All the Universe

“But you, O Israel, are my servant, you, O Jacob, whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend.”​—ISAIAH 41:8.

1. What is it that causes a genuine friendship never to fail?

HOW precious a true friend! But what is the basis for having a genuine friend? What is at the rock bottom of an enduring friendship? It is something that never fails, so that a true friend never fails. What is it? Why, it is the quality that the apostle Paul cited when saying, “Love never fails”!​—1 Corinthians 13:8.

2. The verb from which the Greek word for “friend” is derived has what special meaning?

² In the Hebrew Scriptures, the noun translated “love” is drawn from a verb meaning “to love.” (Deuteronomy 6:4, 5; compare Matthew 22:37.) And in the Greek Septuagint Version, the verb translating “you must love” from the Hebrew text is a·ga·panʹ. However, in that ancient version and in the Christian Greek Scriptures the noun translated “friend” is not based upon that verb but is the Greek noun phiʹlos, derived from a verb meaning “to have affection for.” So, according to the original Greek, loving affection is expressed toward a friend or between friends. Even in the English language the word “friend” is drawn from an Anglo-Saxon verb meaning “to love.”

3. Compared with God’s love for the world of mankind, with what kind of love were Jesus’ disciples bound to him?

³ The Greek verb from which “friend” is drawn therefore expresses an emotion warmer and more intimate than the love expressed by the verb a·ga·panʹ, appearing in the Greek text of John 3:16, where Jesus is quoted as saying: “God loved the world so much that he gave his only-begotten Son, in order that everyone exercising faith in him might not be destroyed but have everlasting life.” Thus the love (Greek, a·gaʹpe) on the part of Jehovah God is broad enough to embrace the whole world of mankind in spite of the sinfulness of the human race. But the only-begotten Son of God told his 11 faithful apostles that they were bound to him by a warmer, more intimate kind of love.

A Precious Kind of Friendship

4. By doing what could Jesus’ disciples continue as his “friends,” and to what intimacy would this status admit them?

⁴ Jesus told those apostles that they would continue to be his “friends” if they kept on doing the things that he commanded them to do. Showing that this would include the privileged intimacy resulting from mutual confidence, he said: “I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master does. But I have called you friends, because all the things I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:14, 15) In saying that, Jesus applied the term phiʹlos to each one of those apostles.

5. The friendship referred to at Proverbs 18:24 rests upon what, and how solid is such a relationship?

⁵ According to Proverbs 18:24, the inspired wise man declared: “There exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces, but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother.” Such a friendship is not based upon fleshly relationships; it rests upon an appreciation of the true worth of the one befriended. Yes, fleshly relatives may part company with one another for various selfish reasons, but a solid friend will be unwavering and will adhere to his friendship regardless of the trialsome or difficult conditions, or the heart-searching circumstances that may develop.

6. Of whose strong friendship are we reminded, and how did David later requite that friendship?

⁶ Here we may think of Jonathan, son of rejected King Saul, and of David, whom Jehovah God had chosen and anointed to be Israel’s king. Their friendship persisted down to the death of Jonathan on the field of battle. On hearing the sad news, David gave way to the lament recorded in 2 Samuel 1:17-27. Showing how tender his relationship with Jonathan was, David said: “I am distressed over you, my brother Jonathan, very pleasant you were to me. More wonderful was your love to me than the love from women.” A friendship like that was not to be forgotten or to go unrequited. It accounted for King David’s display of mercy toward Mephibosheth, the surviving son of Jonathan.​—2 Samuel 9:1-10.

7. (a) Has friendship like that of David and Jonathan died off, especially in this “conclusion of the system of things”? (b) To what expression of intimacy does such friendship admit a person, as Jesus explained to his faithful apostles?

⁷ That precious kind of friendship has not died off the face of the earth. Today, in this “conclusion of the system of things” when ‘the love of the greater number has cooled off,’ the warmth of such a loving friendship is strongly felt among the dedicated, baptized witnesses of Jehovah God who are giving the worldwide Kingdom witness that Jesus foretold. (Matthew 24:3-14) Friends are inclined to reveal things to one another because of having confidence in one another. Remember that while conversing late at night with the 11 apostles that had stuck with him, Jesus said: “I have called you friends, because all the things I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:14, 15) Yes, the spiritual things of God’s Word that are due to be fulfilled or to be applied would be disclosed first to the true spirit-begotten “friends” of the Master, Jesus Christ. Then these “friends” would have the privilege and responsibility to disclose such hitherto secret things to those wanting to enter into friendly relations with Jehovah God, with whom such secret things originate.

8. To whom does Jehovah accord intimacy with him, and how did Jesus refer to the covenant involved with such intimacy?

⁸ That is the way Jehovah has proceeded with his spirit-begotten worshipers taken into his new covenant through the Mediator, Jesus Christ. When instituting the Lord’s Evening Meal, Jesus said: “This cup means the new covenant by virtue of my blood, which is to be poured out in your behalf.” (Luke 22:20) This was in harmony with Psalm 25:14, which says: “The intimacy with Jehovah belongs to those fearful of him, also his covenant, to cause them to know it.” What extraordinary knowledge is imparted to those who come into a friendly relationship with Jehovah God and his Mediator, Jesus Christ!

Those Whom Jehovah Befriends

9. Is it presumptuous for us to think that Jehovah would take mere human creatures into his friendship, and what Bible texts can we furnish to verify our answer?

⁹ Oh, but can we really have the Most High and Almighty God as our personal Friend? Has he really humbled himself to such an extent as to become our Friend? It is not presumptuous to think so. In a letter written to spiritual Israelites before the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 C.E., James wrote: “The scripture was fulfilled which says: ‘Abraham put faith in Jehovah, and it was counted to him as righteousness,’ and he came to be called ‘Jehovah’s friend.’” (James 1:1; 2:23; Genesis 15:6; Galatians 6:16) In one Hebrew “scripture” to which James there referred we read this appeal made to God by King Jehoshaphat when the security of Jerusalem was threatened by a large-scale invasion: “Did not you yourself, O God of ours, drive away the inhabitants of this land from before your people Israel and then give it to the seed of Abraham your lover [“thy friend,” King James Version], to time indefinite?” (2 Chronicles 20:7) Here we can note that the basic Hebrew word translated “friend” (KJ) means “a lover.” Indisputably, Abraham was a lover of Jehovah, the God who called him out of Ur of the Chaldeans and brought him into the Promised Land. As such a lover, Abraham was a man whom Jehovah could befriend, or take into His friendship.

10. At Isaiah 41:8, who spoke for himself on the matter of friendship, and on the basis of what attitude toward Jehovah was Abraham given a special rating with God?

¹⁰ However, at Isaiah 41:8 Jehovah spoke for himself and said these encouraging words to the descendants of Abraham as a nation: “But you, O Israel, are my servant, you, O Jacob, whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend.” The Most High God honored this friendship with Abraham by assigning him to be the illustrious forefather of Jesus Christ, the Savior of all mankind, including Abraham himself. This descendant of Abraham was more than a friend of Jehovah God, for he is God’s beloved Son.​—John 3:16.

11. Why is friendship with Jehovah bound to be put to the test?

¹¹ From all the foregoing, what conclusion can we draw? That it is possible for human creatures down here on Jehovah’s “footstool” to be his friends. (Isaiah 66:1) Of course, our precious friendship with him in this old world will be put to the test, for Satan the Devil, “the god of this system of things,” will try to break it up.​—2 Corinthians 4:4.

12. Like Job of the land of Uz, what should we be determined to do about our own friendship with the Most High?

¹² Consider the case of that outstanding man of ancient times named Job, of whom the Christian disciple James said: “Look! We pronounce happy those who have endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome Jehovah gave, that Jehovah is very tender in affection and merciful.” (James 5:11) Job was no mythical person but actually lived in the land of Uz. The Devil doubted the enduring quality of Job’s friendship with God, and Jehovah let Satan put Job to a very severe test. By means of heartbreaking calamities that he brought upon Job, Satan endeavored to make him renounce Jehovah. But Job refused to support the Devil by renouncing God, which would have resulted in Job’s dying on Satan’s side of the issue of universal sovereignty. To the contrary, Job proved Satan the Devil to be a base liar. On earth, Jesus Christ proved the same thing. But what about us today? Those who treasure Jehovah’s friendship are determined to uphold his side of this controversy of universal interest. And they will do so until Satan and his demons are finally abyssed and put to silence before the Millennial Reign of Jesus Christ.​—Revelation 20:1-4.

13. How does friendship with Jehovah God and his only-begotten Son rank, and what course must we pursue in order not to be classified figuratively as “adulteresses”?

¹³ No friendship in existence outranks that with the Most High God, Jehovah. Friendship with the only-begotten Son of God ranks next. Such an amicable relationship with them means everlasting life in boundless happiness for us. They rightly demand exclusive allegiance from us. We cannot be hobnobbing with this doomed old world and at the same time be cultivating their friendship. Spiritually speaking, we do not want to be classified as adulteresses, according to James 4:4, which puts the matter point-blank and says: “Adulteresses, do you not know that the friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever, therefore, wants to be a friend of the world is constituting himself an enemy of God.” Those words were directed to the spiritual Israelites of the first century C.E., but they also apply to Jehovah’s Witnesses living in this 20th-century world, or system of things.

Shun Friendship That Will Fail

14. As regards friendship, how do Jehovah’s Witnesses avoid having the experience foretold at Zechariah 13:4-6?

¹⁴ Because of not constituting themselves friends of this corrupt, violent old world, Jehovah’s Witnesses are misrepresented, maltreated, and persecuted. So was the greatest witness of Jehovah ever on earth, Jesus Christ, and they are not better than he was. (Revelation 1:5; 3:14) Because they honestly keep adjusting their thinking according to the Word of their finest Friend, Jehovah God, they have been spared the experience described prophetically at Zechariah 13:4-6, where it is written: “It must occur in that day that the prophets will become ashamed, each one of his vision when he prophesies; and they will not wear an official garment of hair for the purpose of deceiving. And he will certainly say, ‘I am no prophet. I am a man cultivating the soil, because an earthling man himself acquired me from my youth on.’ And one must say to him, ‘What are these wounds on your person between your hands?’ And he will have to say, ‘Those with which I was struck in the house of my intense lovers [“friends,” KJ].’”

15. Why have the clergymen of Christendom worn special garments publicly, and with whom have they made self-seeking friendships?

¹⁵ For centuries now, the clergymen of Christendom have worn ‘official garments’ for the purpose of calling attention to their religious profession and for the self-honoring purpose of distinguishing themselves from the members of their congregations whom they style “the laity.” This these clerics do, although there is not a shred of evidence to prove that Jesus Christ and his apostles and the evangelizers he sent out ever wore official religious garments to call attention to their status and to magnify it. Now we are deep into “the conclusion of the system of things” that began with the end of “the appointed times of the nations,” or “the times of the Gentiles,” in the year 1914. (Matthew 24:3; Luke 21:24; KJ) Long have the clergy tried to be the best of friends with the commercial, military, and political elements of this world. This they have done for their own selfish benefit and without any qualms of conscience. But their selfish friendships of this kind will be short-lived!

16. (a) According to Bible prophecy, what will worldly “friends” shortly do to the clergy class? (b) Even though in a new status, what final experience will the clergy not escape?

¹⁶ The clergy and the laity alike find themselves in a highly scientific age. Worldly relationships are being strained to the limit under the pressure of these times. The clergy, despite their claimed standing with the God of heaven, have gained no favor from him for the commercial, military, and political arrangement of things and are providing no relief for the worsening world situation. Shortly, their worldly “friends” will be brought to the realization that the clergy are worthless, yes, burdensome to them, false in their prophecies of materially better times apart from Jehovah’s Kingdom by Christ. Indeed, those worldly “friends” will finally be moved to give full vent to their loss of confidence, their contempt, yes, their hatred. They will violently destroy the clergy or at least defrock them of their professional official garment and reduce them to an unprofessional, laical position, as explained at Zechariah 13:4-6. But this change of status will not spare them from annihilation with Babylon the Great, the world empire of false religion, as foretold in Revelation chapters 17 and 18. The clergy’s worldly “friends” will fail them utterly.

17. What friendship is worthy of cultivation, and for how long?

¹⁷ In the face of this, how important it is to shun selfish friendships of the wrong kind! But how precious the finest friendship in all the universe should be to us! It is worthy of our cultivating it forever.