What Can Be Done?

Each year millions of persons throughout the world suffer the tragedy of losing a loved family member in death. The stunning shock and awful grief that often follow are indeed difficult to overcome.

Perhaps you or someone you know has suffered such a loss. What can such a person do to ease the pain and return to a more normal pattern of life?

Some have said that ‘time is a great healer,’ and that its passage will bring life back to a more normal routine. But time, by itself, heals nothing at all. It is what you do with your time that either harms or heals. Time following a death can be poorly used to cave in to self-pity, or it can be wisely used to develop a fulfilling life pattern.

While there will be a variety of problems, the basic one is learning how to live without the one you loved. The steps you take will determine how much of a scar is left and how long your period of sorrow will be. And there are a number of things that many have found to be helpful in coping with the problem, things that involve the day-to-day routine of life.

But, in addition, there is something else, something that is a very powerful help in easing sorrow and enabling one to go on living in optimism. It is what Anita and her family had, and it caused doctors and nurses attending them to be amazed because it proved to be such a help in time of need.

First, though, let us consider some of the things in the daily routine of life that have been found helpful in coping with the loss of a loved one.

Resuming Responsibilities

When a death occurs, you will, of course, have to break with your normal routine for a while. Some may suggest a long period of mourning. But that could prolong the process of overcoming grief and could make it more difficult to overcome self-pity.

Hence, many have found it helpful to resume a more normal routine as quickly as is practical. For example, one married couple worked together on a bread-delivery route. But tragedy struck when the husband fell off a roof he was working on and was killed. The wife relates:

“Partly due to a financial need, I had to get back to work quickly. Within two weeks I was back delivering bread by myself.

“But in some ways that was a blessing. Necessity is a good teacher. It helped to get me back into association with others in the community, to listen to their problems and to think of others, instead of just brooding over my bleak circumstances.

“Having to go back to work so soon forced me to accept the responsibilities I knew I had to face up to eventually anyway.”

Get On with Living

Hence, there comes a time when a person needs to accept the situation realistically and get on with the process of living. As another widow observes:

“The time comes when you realize you are thinking too much about the terrible loss you have had. Many of my tears, though, were being shed in self-pity.

“I began to realize that my grieving would only stop by living each day. So I started to make deliberate plans, taking an occasional trip and doing little jobs that had been started but not finished.

“Positive thinking can help overcome pain. If there is no self-analysis, grief can be prolonged for years. I have met widows who are still weeping every day after five years, causing real emotional and health problems.”

This calls to mind an interesting account mentioned in the Bible. It was about King David of ancient Israel. He was grieving for a newborn son who was dying. While the baby was still alive, he was in deep sorrow. But after the baby died, David quickly resumed his responsibilities, getting on with daily living. This surprised his associates. When questioned about it, he said: “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?”​—2 Sam. 12:22, 23, New International Version.

The survivors cannot bring back the dead. And, likely, the one who has died would want you to go on living a meaningful life. So do not try to keep on living through the identity of a person who is no longer with you. Develop an identity of your own, and get on with the process of living, as did King David.

Changing Your Surroundings

Some who have suffered a death in the family have found it helpful to allow time to pass before giving things away or making major changes. The question that needs to be faced eventually, though, is this: Should you dispose of the personal items of the deceased? Perhaps you will. But, then again, some things may be useful later, such as a husband’s tools for home repair.

However, what if the personal items kept cause constant depression because they are painful reminders of the loss? Trying to preserve things too much as they were, or trying to live as if the loved one were still there, will not help overcome sorrow. Instead, this can make a home a museum of sad memories.

So after an initial period of mourning, it is best to see how many things need to be changed to meet your new needs in life, so that the past does not unduly hinder the present.

Remarrying

In the case of losing one’s marriage mate, the survivor, in time, may choose to remarry. But since no two persons develop exactly the same relationships, no other person will ever exactly replace the one who died. There is no point in trying to find someone who will. However, the new can be just as unique as the previous, giving much fulfillment.

In many cases, a mate may choose not to remarry, or to remain single for a longer period of time. Such persons may quickly find that they have greater ability to do things than they thought. The added responsibility of doing more in raising children, cooking, or performing other tasks previously cared for by someone else can bring into play personal resources not developed as much before. Even children often find that, when they must adjust to the loss of a parent, they are able to do much more than they realized. They can be of far greater help with chores around the house or with caring for younger members of the family.

While friends can never replace a loved one lost in death, they can be of great help and comfort. They may volunteer to assist in caring for many things. If they are trusted friends, you may even ask them to help. Of course, you should not become overly dependent on them. But a true friend who will listen and keep a confidence, who will accept some of your burdens for a while, and who will help you to make wise decisions, is of great value in a time of distress.

‘IT WOULD amaze you. She was positive and cheerful until the very last.’ That was what was said of Anita Brown when she died of cancer after giving birth to a baby boy.

One of the attending physicians at Esperanza hospital, Dr. Ron Lapin, observed: “That 80-pound weakling has really impressed me with her faith and what Jehovah’s Witnesses stand for. She’s been a real lift to the whole hospital staff​—a little dynamo.”

When one is dying, from where does such courage and optimism come? How is this related to the faith of Anita that the doctor mentioned?

The matter is made clearer by what a nurse’s aid, Cheryl Douglass, observed. She stated that it was much harder for her to cope with the shock of Anita’s death than it was for Anita’s family. Why? She answered: “They took it a lot better than I did because they’re all Jehovah’s Witnesses and I’m not. Their faith is helping a great deal.”

Sustaining Hope

What was it about the faith of Anita and her family that had such strengthening power in time of need? It was that their faith included the hope of someday living in a new order of God’s making where sickness, sorrow, pain, and death itself, will be no more. In that new order, even the dead will come back to life in a resurrection!

Those are some of the marvelous promises that God has had recorded in his inspired Word, the Bible. Since the Creator’s promises can never fail, the Bible simply declares: “There is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Acts 24:15) Anita knew that the Bible likens death to a temporary deep sleep from which she would be awakened in God’s due time.​—Eccl. 9:5; John 11:11-14.

When Jesus Christ was on earth he spoke about the resurrection. In fact, he actually demonstrated it by bringing back to life persons who had been dead! For example, when he resurrected the only son of a widow, the Bible account says that Jesus “gave him to his mother.” (Luke 7:11-17) Similarly, Anita knew that someday she, too, would have the opportunity to see her son again, the son with whom she was able to spend only a few precious hours before she died.

On another occasion, Jesus resurrected a young girl. One result was that the girl’s father and mother, and others who were there, “were beside themselves with great ecstasy.” (Mark 5:42) In the same way, great will be the ecstasy when people see their loved ones coming back from the graves in God’s new order.​—John 11:1-45.

In that new order under God’s guidance, a new human society will develop that will enjoy a peace, a contentment and a happiness beyond anything ever experienced by any human now alive. The promise is: “God . . . will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former [bad] things have passed away.”​—Rev. 21:3, 4.

It is because all of today’s saddening conditions will be removed that God’s Word can promise: “The meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.” And this joy will not be just temporary, because the Bible adds: “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.”​—Ps. 37:11, 29.

This sure hope of living in a new order here on earth, which includes the hope of the resurrection, is a powerful force that helps sustain those with the right kind of faith in God. And they are further strengthened by knowing that this new order is not far off. Why is this so? Because Bible prophecy clearly shows that this present wicked system is in its “last days,” and in the very near future is to be crushed out of existence by God.​—2 Tim. 3:1-5; Dan 2:44.

Hence, this hope enables persons to have great optimism and strength in a time of tragedy. That is why the Bible says: “Moreover, brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant concerning those who are sleeping in death; that you may not sorrow just as the rest also do who have no hope.” (1 Thess. 4:13) So those who have this sure hope, while certainly saddened by death, do not grieve excessively. They do not find all joy crushed out of their lives. They know that death is a “sleep” from which one can return to life to benefit from the promises of God.

Another Powerful Help

In addition, one who has true faith knows that the God who will restore life can also now supply powerful help to those who look to him. How? By means of His active force, his holy spirit. That holy spirit is without question the most powerful force in the universe.​—Gen. 1:2; Isa. 40:28, 29.

The Bible states that this power can be “tapped” by sincere persons in times of need. Jesus said, for example, that God would “give holy spirit to those asking him.” (Luke 11:13) That spirit enables sincere worshipers of God to do things that other persons cannot. It is why the Bible calls what God’s spirit produces in a person a “power beyond what is normal.” (2 Cor. 4:7) That is the kind of powerful help that aided Anita Brown and her family.​—1 John 5:14.

Thus, a person’s having the solid hope of the new order and of the resurrection makes a big difference in his coping with death. And God’s powerful active force helps mightily to sustain the survivors who have lost loved ones. These appreciate, and have actually experienced, the truth of the Bible counsel that says: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter.”​—Ps. 55:22.

[Pictures on page 9]

Reading Bible accounts of Jesus’ bringing dead persons back to life strengthens our hope in the coming resurrection, helping us to cope with death now