The Middle Years​—Golden Years or Time of Crisis?

“LIFE begins at 40!” they say. And many traversing the “middle years” would heartily agree with these sentiments. Says one woman: “Truthfully, I wouldn’t want to be 18 again. I’m a lot happier now in my 50’s than I’ve been in years.”

Yes, for some these are the “golden years.” Wisdom, gleaned from years of experience, is at their disposal. They thus feel competent, reasonably in control of their lives. Even the prospect of their children’s departure does not overly dishearten them. Rather, they see opportunities for increased personal time and privacy together with their mate. Far from listless, their lives bustle with meaningful activity.

Others, however, are not so optimistic. ‘Why, turning 40,’ they say, ‘is not the beginning of anything​—just the end of being young.’ And they may have reason for their apprehension. Disconcerted by the first signs of aging, they may feel like the man who said: “When I see those bags under my eyes I know I’ve had it. I’m not going anyplace except to the cemetery.”

Further, they may be besieged with financial concerns. Loneliness may distress them. And as their health gradually deteriorates, and they for the first time confront the specter of death, they may question if their life has had meaning, if the future really offers anything of value. ‘Oh, to be young again,’ they may sigh.

However, the Bible points out: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) Whether middle age is “golden” or a time of crisis has much to do with how you “sow” in your earlier days​—what values you esteem, what habits you establish and what goals in life you pursue. Since many of us must eventually pass through middle age, let us explore some of its prospects​—and problems.

Women and the Middle Years

‘GUESS who comes out on top in the happiness charts,’ said Redbook magazine. Their survey of 52,000 women showed that the happiest women are middle-aged.

This shouldn’t surprise you. A young woman’s expectations in life are often so naive that she is unprepared for life’s ravages. The older woman, however, already knows what it’s like to be smitten by disappointment​—and how to bounce back from it. From a wealth of experience, she employs strategies that help her avoid the pitfalls of youth.

Still, “turning 40 can be frightening,” admits one woman. “You’re young, but you know you’re going into middle age.” So much stress is laid upon youth in Western culture that many are naturally apprehensive about aging.

The onset of menopause, for example, concerns many. For it heralds not only a period of some physical discomfort but also the end of childbearing. Should this be dreaded?

Childbearing can indeed be rewarding. (Psalm 127:3) So it’s only natural for some to feel somewhat saddened when this part of life ends. But many middle-aged women frankly do not want the commitment of time, energy and emotion that having another baby would entail. As the book After Forty says: “The pause that depresses some often refreshes others.”

What, though, of any that grieve over the end of childbearing​—who feel empty and lonely? If the life of a person has centered solely on raising children, middle age can be agonizing. Jesus Christ showed, however, that there is a loftier purpose in life than merely raising children. Once a woman exclaimed: “Happy is the womb that carried you and the breasts that you sucked!” But Jesus replied: “No, rather, Happy are those hearing the word of God and keeping it!”​—Luke 11:27, 28.

For those whose life revolves around serving God and who have “sown” appreciation for godly values and principles, life does not seem empty when childbearing years pass. Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, view the years of their life, including the middle years, as an opportunity always to expand their sacred service to God. They know that there is “something better than sons and daughters”​—a good relationship with God and the promise of his blessing.​—Isaiah 56:3-5.

“I’m Losing My Youth!”

One woman admitted: “When you begin to show a few wrinkles, you’re extremely aware of them. You begin to feel, ‘I’m losing my youth.’”

Yes, “beauty disappears.” (Proverbs 31:30, Today’s English Version) But self-esteem should not rest solely on fleeting physical assets. Your real charm is not your outward appearance. Rather, it is “the secret person of the heart in the incorruptible apparel of the quiet and mild spirit, which is of great value in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 3:3, 4) If you have cultivated this inner beauty​—mildness, compassion, hospitality, generosity—​you remain beautiful, regardless of age!

True, you shouldn’t neglect your physical appearance. So-called middle-age spread, for example, can often be prevented​—at least controlled—​by proper diet and exercise. And you can dress tastefully “with modesty and soundness of mind.” (1 Timothy 2:9) The book Prime Time frankly warns: “A girlish dress and hairstyle only make a middle-aged woman’s face and figure look older, but a more adult dress and hairstyle complement her ripe appeal.”

One woman in her 50’s reminds us, though: “A dress, a hat or a blouse will not make a woman feel better if she doesn’t think much of herself. You have to feel beautiful inside!” So don’t fret when your face gets more lines or wrinkles. For as one man put it: “A face that shows struggle, experience, growth and change, plus the potential for still more change and development, is a beautiful face, a truly youthful face.”

Women Who Are Alone

What, though, of women who must face the middle years alone? If a woman hasn’t cultivated real friendships or has no meaningful way to spend her time, loneliness can consume her. Rose, on the other hand, is a single woman who has learned one of the secrets of combating loneliness. “Give of yourself,” she says. “If you want to receive, then start giving. Try to get acquainted with people. You’ll be surprised; in time they respond.” Another woman likewise suggests: “Invite people to your home. Have a little get-together, even if it’s just cake and coffee.” “The generous soul” is often blessed with enduring friendships!​—Proverbs 11:25.

While much more could be said, it is apparent that your earlier years to a great extent shape your middle years. Yet the menopause, loneliness and even the loss of physical beauty can all be successfully hurdled. And even if you now see a need for a change in your values, it is never too late to change, never too late to start “sowing” properly.

[Pictures on page 5]

Physical beauty fades . . .

. . . but inner beauty gives lasting charm

Men and the Middle Years

“ONE day, while shaving,” recalled one man, “I saw . . . how gray my hair was getting . . . I noticed how puffy I was under the eyes, and then I saw how lined my forehead was​—and then I saw my whole face, and it was a terrible shock.”

Awareness of age does not always strike like lightning. But sooner or later a man notices how winded he feels after climbing a flight of stairs, or how tired he is after a day’s work. Now he tensely listens when the man on TV talks about the prevalence of middle-age heart attacks. He may even find himself scanning the obituary page. Too, his male pride can ache when he imagines he is no longer attractive to the opposite sex. Some men notice a decline in their sexual powers.

Doctors, however, say that a man usually will not lose his reproductive powers until well into old age. Of course, if there is a medical problem, proper treatment can be sought.

Nevertheless, researchers Masters and Johnson report that after age 50 “the incidence of sexual inadequacy in the human male takes a sharp upturn.” And likely a number of physical and emotional factors are responsible. The fear of failure, for example, appears to be a very prominent factor. As one writer explains: “A single sexual failure can be devastating. The . . . man may then withdraw from sex with his spouse to avoid being further humiliated.”

Symptoms of Crisis

Understandably, men can feel threatened by middle age. A man can find himself embroiled in an intense inward struggle to retain his youth and identity. But his crisis can reveal itself in a number of ways. Some men suffer an “attack of vanity.” As a clothing salesman once observed, middle-aged men often “come in [a store] wearing conservative cuts, dark gray and blue, and . . . walk out with vents, plaids, gold buttons, [and] hot pink shirts.”

There are other “crisis” indicators: drastic changes in life-style, a person’s becoming depressed, withdrawn, indecisive, apathetic. Some men even get ill.

But what is really at the heart of this sometimes erratic behavior? Is it not a failure to “sow” sound values, to cultivate a realistic view of life? On the other hand, a man whose thinking is guided by Bible principles need not suffer this despair. How so?

For one thing, he knows and accepts the fact that life is painfully short, that aging is an inevitability. (See Psalm 90:10.) His self-worth is not measured by his appeal to the opposite sex. Rather, his “boast” is in his relationship with God. (1 Corinthians 1:31) So he doesn’t have to be unduly perturbed over gray hairs, or even the beginnings of a paunch. He knows the folly of ‘thinking more of himself than it is necessary to think.’ (Romans 12:3) The Bible’s counsel to be “modest” helps him to view his limitations realistically. (Micah 6:8) It even prods him to be selective in his dress and grooming. True, modesty does not rule out dressing tastefully, even stylishly. But he is not impelled to follow the clothing fads of Western youths and adorn his chest with neck chains or to stuff himself into tight jeans. His dress reflects the dignity of his age.

“I’m Trapped”

Mid-life is also a time when a man may reassess his life. For example, he may give a lot of thought to his secular job​—its pressures, its monotony, its insecurity. He may even feel like the 52-year-old salesman who said: “I’m trapped in a job I’ve held for twenty years, and I’m getting nowhere.” And the bitter disappointment of being passed over for promotion by men nearly half his age and with far less experience can make a man loathe the thought of going to work.

Of course, one whose life centers around a job may despair when his expectations collide with reality. Difficult working conditions are hard for anyone. But a man who is guided by Bible principles does not feel that life has lost its meaning if he does not make it to the top in his field. He knows that rivalry for position is “vanity and a striving after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 4:4) He has watched others around him ruin their health and undermine their family life by pushing for prominence. But he is grateful to have a job that provides what he needs and he finds satisfaction in doing it well. His secular work is not the center of his life but simply a means to provide for his family and to care for his needs while pursuing spiritual interests. Armed with this viewpoint, he can “see good for all his hard work . . . for the number of the days of his life that the true God has given him, for that is his portion.”​—Ecclesiastes 5:18; 1 Timothy 5:8.

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Some seek satisfaction through youthful clothing fads . . .

. . . but true satisfaction comes from work well done

Marriage and the Middle Years

LATELY there have been disturbing reports about middle-age marriages. A study made in Canada, for example, reportedly shows a decline in intimacy and in marital satisfaction as a marriage grows older. Some statistical studies seem to indicate that the divorce rate among couples over 45 years of age is “soaring.” And perhaps even your own marriage is not the source of joy it used to be.

So many are forsaking marriage these days that you may at times wonder if it is worth the trouble to work marital problems out. Some “experts” are even extolling the virtues of starting over again with a new mate. But how do those who go this route really fare?

Treacherous Dealings

“You’re too old!” a middle-aged man brazenly told his wife. He was greedily carrying on an adulterous affair with a younger woman. Recalls his wife: “He was proud of it! He even wanted me to listen to every detail of his affair.”

Why do men​—and women—​deal so treacherously with their mates even after many years of marriage? (Malachi 2:14-16) For some, an “affair” is a way to boost a sagging ego, a chance to reaffirm one’s manhood or womanhood. Too, a man may fear that his sexual powers are declining and may want to “prove himself.”

The Bible described well the consequences of adultery when it said: “But a man [or a woman] who commits adultery doesn’t have any sense. He is just destroying himself.”​—Proverbs 6:32, Today’s English Version.

How could an act done in secret ‘destroy’ a person? For one thing, the adulterer suffers a ruined conscience. Even the boastful man mentioned previously later confessed, “I can’t sleep at night!” His innocent wife, on the other hand, recalls being able to sleep soundly. “I had no feelings of guilt whatsoever,” she says, “because I tried to follow Jehovah’s way.”

The adulterer also damages his self-respect and his prospects for future happiness. Could his new wife (even if he weds his adulterous partner) really trust him? Worst of all, such treacherous dealings destroy his relationship with God, who will “judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4) A heavy price to pay for a selfish fling!

Solomon thus advised: “Let your water source [or, sexual interests] prove to be blessed [by remaining faithful], and rejoice with the wife of your youth.” (Proverbs 5:18) Sexual problems, however, can develop in a marriage at any age. So the Bible counsels couples in general: “Do not be depriving each other of it [the sexual due].”​—1 Corinthians 7:5.

As a marriage counselor observed, breakdowns in communication “have become the number-one problem of couples who have been married for many years.” How do such problems develop?

“The Number-One Problem”

A man gets home from work and is greeted with the news of the latest crisis. (“Honey, the dentist says Dave’s teeth need fixing!”) “And she used to ask me how my day went,” he sighs.

However, talk about report cards and measles shots can easily dominate your conversations. Only when the children have grown and gone do some couples realize they have forgotten how to talk on a personal basis.

A problem may also manifest itself during the wife’s menopause, when she needs compassion and understanding. The husband, perhaps battling mid-life crisis, may become quite aggressive or argumentative. Hardly a model of understanding.

Aggression can spawn counter-aggression. Say the authors of Making It From 40 to 50: “They bicker, complain, nag; they hurt each other as only those who have loved and lived together for a long time can. They know each other’s particular weaknesses and hidden fears, and these become the targets of attack in battles that sometimes reach extraordinary heights of viciousness.” How can the argument cycle be stopped?

Restoring Communication

“Love,” says the Bible, “is long-suffering and kind . . . does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) So forget self-pity! Rather, be sensitive to the emotional stress your mate may be feeling. Make allowances for each other. And refuse to fuel an argument! “Where there is no wood the fire goes out.”​—Proverbs 26:20, 21.

If communication is hindered because you feel your mate doesn’t understand you, let your mate know how you feel. True, this is not easy for everyone to do. Men especially seem to have difficulty revealing their fears and weaknesses.

Abraham, though, father of the Jewish race and bold man of action, was not afraid to admit his fears​—even to his wife. And she deeply respected him. (See Genesis 12:11-13; 18:12.) Would not similar honesty and candor improve your marriage?

Communication is therefore a key to keeping your marriage alive. True, age does bring physical deterioration; and sometimes the decline is greater in one mate than in the other. But if you have “sown” wisely over the years, your marriage will have more going for it than just physical attraction. As one man put it: “When you have a real rapport with your mate, it is most satisfying. You can freely express your emotions and feelings to someone who knows you better than anyone else and understands how you feel.” Yes, you will have the companionship of someone you truly delight to be with. Is not such a marvelous union worth holding on to? Why, you may even find the middle years to be the closest, most satisfying years of your marriage yet.

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Do you fight . . .

. . . or truly love each other?

They Can Be Golden Years!

WHAT will the middle years be for you? “Golden years” or time of crisis? The “best” or “worst of times”? A “launching pad for a new phase of life” or a time of stagnation?

We are again reminded of the Bible’s words: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) So how your middle years turn out depends much on you.

If you are a young person, this should be a very sobering thought. Middle age may seem very distant to you now. But it isn’t. Our lives “quickly pass by, and away we fly.” (Psalm 90:10) So if you neglect spiritual values now, you will pay the price later​—despair and dissatisfaction with your life. If you fail to cultivate industriousness, self-control, knowledge and understanding, you will reap misery in your later years. Leave God out of your life now, and old age will be a time of “calamitous days” for you. Wise King Solomon therefore concluded that the wise course of action is to “fear the true God and keep his commandments.” (Ecclesiastes 12:1, 13) But first you have to learn about God. And a study of his Word, the Bible, is a fine place to start.

A New Start

What if you are already in your middle or even later years and are now paying the price for failing to “sow” an appreciation for right values and principles? Now is the time to change course.

‘But how?’ you may ask. Some middle-aged men and women try to find a measure of satisfaction and purpose in life by devoting themselves to community affairs or other helpful services. Others try to get a new lease on life by traveling, exploring, doing things they have always wanted to do but could never get around to doing. But there is something that can bring more satisfaction than any of these. You can experience it if you will take the time to familiarize yourself with the Bible and the hope that God offers for the future. Jehovah’s Witnesses will be glad to show you how to begin such a study. The benefit? A living hope!

Yes, that’s what Jehovah’s Witnesses have​—a well-founded hope for the future. We believe that life has God-given purpose and that there is more to it than a fleeting 70 or 80 years. Our hope is in a heavenly government that will completely take over the management of the earth and eventually make it all a Paradise. This will allow humans the prospect of living forever, with full enjoyment of life!​—Psalm 72:1-8; Revelation 21:3, 4; John 17:3.

Sharing this hope with others gives Jehovah’s Witnesses great personal satisfaction and a real purpose in life. Their middle and later years are filled with fruitful activity​—helping others to know about God. One couple, for example, found themselves alone after their last son had left home. After a few lonely weeks the husband sat down with his wife and discussed the possibility of his obtaining part-time work so they could share Bible truths with others full time. “I feel like I’m ‘kicking a dead horse’ working this full-time job!” he said. They decided to pursue the goal of serving God full time. Today they have the joy of working together at the Watchtower Society’s headquarters in Brooklyn, New York, producing Bible literature such as this magazine.

Would not such a living faith make your middle years, or any years for that matter, a blessed time to be alive? Says Carmela, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses: “We’re on the threshold of a change to a perfect government. That’s how I feel and that’s what keeps me going and feeling happy.” Jehovah’s Witnesses would be happy to share their faith with you and to help you find joy and satisfaction that will endure for eternity.

So, while life does not really begin at 40, it doesn’t end there either. New opportunities now present themselves for you to learn and develop. Sober reflection may even move you to make some needed changes in your thinking and life-style. The wisdom gained through years of living has trained your “perceptive powers” to see things more clearly than ever before. (Hebrews 5:14) Married couples have a golden opportunity to draw ever closer to each other.

Much is up to you. Your middle years need not be a plunge into crisis. Use your knowledge, your resources, your experience and, above all, the wisdom that God’s Word gives, to make these years the happiest​—the very best years of your life.

[Blurb on page 11]

“We’re on the threshold of a change to a perfect government. That’s how I feel and that’s what keeps me going and feeling happy”