Living Together Without Marriage

“THE best thing about living together without getting married,” said a 21-year-old college girl, “is that you both know you still have a long way to go to find yourself, and you know that if you change a lot, if in a few months or in a few years you find you’re not right for each other, you haven’t made a final commitment.”

An increasing number of persons agree with her. Is she right? Is it a better way than marriage? Just why are so many practicing it?

Huge Increase

There has been a phenomenal increase in the number of persons living together without marriage, that is, without their making a commitment before witnesses and having this properly registered. The United States has seen a 100-percent rise in seven years. In Japan, the number of mothers whose marriages were not legally registered more than doubled in five years.

In Sweden, the number of unwed persons who cohabit has risen about 35 percent from the 1950’s to the 1970’s. In Brazil, those living in this way grew from about two million in 1970 to close to four million now.

It is obvious that a dramatic change in attitude toward marriage has taken place. Why?

Why So Popular?

There are many reasons. One is that many marriages are a painful experience, as the rising number of divorces indicates. Some, having come from a bad marriage and feeling drained by it, are reluctant to repeat it.

Legalized abortion and surer birth-control methods have made such a life-style easier in many places. Also, the greater toleration by society toward how people live makes it easier to enter this lifestyle. And at times there are certain economic advantages, such as tax laws that favor single people.

Internal forces are at work as well. Many of today’s women fear male dominance. There are fears of being committed to the point of submerging one’s identity. Too, women today have greater equality and many of them are more interested in careers than in raising a family. And there is concern that a mate will change for the worse.

Some rebel against their parents, or against a strict moral code. Others seek sexual variety without responsibility. Many view it as an alternative to loneliness. Psychologically, some feel that there is a lesser sense of personal failure when a couple “split” than when a marriage fails. And there are those who sincerely feel that they are more considerate of each other when not legally bound to respond.

However, does living together without marriage always bring the sense of fulfillment and happiness anticipated? In general, does it make for a better life-style than does marriage? Carefully weigh the case of a woman whose experience is not at all unusual among those who choose this style of living.

Learning by Painful Experience

The following experience is from a mother in Australia who, after her marriage failed, tried something else

I LIVED with a man for almost three years without the benefit of marriage. With what result? I can honestly say that, emotionally and psychologically, they were the worst three years of my life.

We went into our relationship with the same idea that most people seem to have now, and that is, ‘Once bitten, twice shy,’ also, ‘You don’t know a person until you’ve lived with him.’ So if things didn’t work out, I felt it would be easier to break the relationship than to go through divorce courts.

Insecurity Causes Problems

But it’s those thoughts that cause problems. Right from the start, feelings of insecurity are created. How can you feel secure never knowing if the other person will still be with you this time next year, or even next month?

A de facto relationship has such a temporary sound to it. There is always the fear that someone else will come along and the relationship can just as easily be shifted to that one. So that horrible destructive emotion of jealousy is always there, ready to erupt.

Other Problems

Yes, there’s always tension. You can’t ever relax, because you’re always on guard against saying or doing something that might drive the other person away. And fear is felt, because an argument will nearly always end with one of you using emotional blackmail and saying, ‘I’m leaving.’

That expression de facto was my biggest problem. It made me feel cheap and cost me my self-respect whenever for some official reason, which was quite often, I had to explain I was a de facto wife. I would desperately want to explain that I wasn’t really an immoral person, that I wasn’t the type who flitted from man to man. But, of course, I was immoral, whether it was just with one man or with several, and my conscience gave me quite a battle.

The psychological problems started too. They were manifested in depression, feelings of unworthiness and, eventually, of self-destruction. Even now, five years after this relationship ended, I feel so ashamed and unclean that I want to blank the memories out of my mind forever. But I can’t, because, as the Creator says, ‘we reap what we sow.’ I have a daily reminder in the form of my little boy who was the result of that last union.

Not only do I have this physical reminder, but also, when he was born, for his sake I had my name changed to that of his father. I felt that I could protect both him and my two children from my original marriage against any prejudice. On the surface it looks as if I have been married twice. But it only serves to make me feel dishonest every time I’m called by that name.

In Retrospect

Looking back, I realize that I did much more than damage my own reputation. I put my three children in a position that left them open to attack by other children at school, all on account of the morals of their mother, which, of course, they couldn’t deny. It must have made them ashamed too.

Weighing the Alternative

MOST persons agree that experiences such as the foregoing do happen. But they point out that many marriages are also filled with problems and anxieties.

That certainly is true. The increasing number of divorces in nearly every country on earth is an evidence of that.

However, does this mean that living together without marriage is more endurable, a better way to happiness?

Which Is Stronger?

The claim is made that a relationship by choice is stronger than a relationship by obligation. But which is really stronger: One that is promised to last only one day at a time until something comes up that a person doesn’t want to cope with? or one that is prepared to adjust to unforeseen circumstances and lasts as long as possible?

Many problems are the same. For example, decisions on such things as where to live, how much independence each should have, what sex practices to accept, and whether to have children are common to both married persons and those living together without marriage.

But without the marriage commitment other problems are compounded. For example, what major items should be purchased and with whose money? Who should know that they are not married, and who shouldn’t know? What personal friends can they invite to the home, and how are they going to introduce themselves to others? How are one’s own family and close relatives to be faced? These are just a few of the things made more difficult without the commitment of marriage.

Value of Commitment

A 28-year-old teacher who later married the woman he was living with said: “After a couple of years, I began to feel as though I was living in a void. Living together provided no future orientation. . . . We couldn’t decide whether to buy a house or not, whether to spend our money on lavish vacations or to save for a family. Now, neither of us is free to pick up and leave, but the trade-off is that we can make plans.”

A 34-year-old writer observed: “Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but the commitment of marriage makes me feel more secure. I’ve had so many relationships end with men just abruptly splitting, that worrying about whether J‐‐‐ would take off, too, drained energy from my work. I love the comfort of having admitted to ourselves and the world that we intend to stick together.”

True, total commitment in marriage does not cushion persons from problems. But it does help people to feel more obligated to work at resolving them and not accepting failure so quickly. As one husband who had quarreled continuously with his roommate before marriage said: “Since we’ve married we’ve been trying harder not to have fights. We’re both making an effort. We’re committed so there’s no sense fighting about it. Before, we used to always threaten to break up, but we don’t seem to do that now.”

Dr. Nancy Clatworthy of Ohio State University (U.S.A.) found that couples who had not lived together before marriage were “just a little bit happier and more successful. There were fewer divorces.” A study of 211 couples in Australia revealed that “cohabiters discussed ending the relationship . . . much more often than marrieds.” The report observed that where there was a lesser commitment to the relationship there were “lower feelings of liking and love toward the partner as well as lower sexual fidelity to their partner than marrieds.”

When Children Are Involved

What kind of relationship has been found best suited to the mental and physical well-being of children? Without a doubt, it is that of a stable two-parent marriage that provides affection, support and instruction.

Many who live together without marriage promise that they will marry if pregnancy results. But is an unplanned pregnancy a good foundation on which to build a marriage? All too often, when pregnancy results the partner refuses to marry. Is it really adult to stigmatize one’s children with illegitimacy?

Evidence shows that, in general, children who know that their parents were not married, as with those who come from broken homes, grow up distrusting people. They are less able to form permanent relationships themselves, and may be very cynical about the value of love.

A loving father and mother make a huge difference in a child’s development and stability. British child psychiatrist Arthur Graham said: “We have found no better way to raise a child than in a family setting, and all our efforts should be directed to reinforcing the ability of parents to do the job.”

The indicators all point to one conclusion: the higher the commitment, the more likely the relationship will succeed for all involved. But why is this so?

A Deeper Reason

There is a much deeper reason why marriage is the better arrangement for all concerned, and why, as Dr. Graham said, “we have found no better way to raise a child than in a family setting.” It has to do with the way we are made.

Obviously, the human mind and emotions are very complex things. Who, then, is to say how they work best in male-female relationships, as well as where children are concerned?

Well, would not the Creator of the male and female, the one who designed the childbearing capabilities, be in the best position to know? Surely, the Maker of the two sexes can tell us why he created them and how a relationship among them will work best.

Thus, when, in the Bible, we are told that God ‘created them male and female,’ we can be certain that there was a purpose behind this. (Gen. 1:27) One purpose was companionship and another involved the producing of offspring, since the female is spoken of as “a complement” of the male. (Gen. 2:18) Was their relationship to be on a trial basis? No, answers the Creator’s Word: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24) Further, such a stable marriage relationship would provide the best atmosphere for raising children.​—Gen. 1:28; Eph. 6:4.

Yes, God created two sexes and purposed that they should come together in honorable marriage and stick to each other to form a family. Indeed, Jesus Christ later said: “Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matt. 19:9) The Bible adds: “This is what God wills . . . that you abstain from fornication.”​—1 Thess. 4:3.

Therefore, living together without making a commitment before witnesses and having this properly registered simply means that a couple is living in fornication. Such an illicit union cannot be blessed by God, and cannot result in a clean conscience on the part of those who want to do what is right.​—1 Cor. 6:9, 10; Rev. 21:8; 22:15.

Some may feel that God’s moral laws deprive them of various pleasures in life. But this is not the case at all. His laws were made for the good of humans, not to deprive them of some happiness. The enormous increase of venereal disease, unwanted pregnancies, abortions and heartaches coming from the wanton disregard of God’s moral laws shows that flouting God’s law brings no lasting good to humans.