⁴ With this everybody’s-doing-it attitude so prevalent, those wishing to follow the secure advice of the Bible can be influenced in a manner that leads them away from the good teaching of God’s Word. Fine counsel is given by the printed page and orally, but failure to heed the Bible’s advice can lead to marriage problems. (Compare Psalm 19:7-11.) If we adopt the attitude that anything in marriage interfering with our life-style, our pleasures, our desires, can be changed by our not abiding by God’s directions on marriage, then we are in danger. To have such an attitude brings us face to face with one of mankind’s greatest problems, that of selfishness. For generally it is selfishness that lies at the root of marriage problems. Why do we say that?

The Role of Sin

5. How does the apostle Paul at Romans 7:15-20 outline the problem we have as a result of being born in sin?

⁵ Men and women, offspring of Adam and Eve, are born in sin and imperfection. This means that because of the inheritance of sin, man misses the mark and is lawless to one degree or another. (1 John 3:4) The apostle Paul spoke of the tremendous burden sin places upon mankind, for he found himself doing what he did not want to do and not doing what he should do. (Romans 7:15-20) Anyone deliberately breaking God’s law is selfish. With some individuals it may be selfishness on a small scale, but with others it becomes the total way of life, and their selfishness becomes gross.

6, 7. What are two problems selfishness causes in marriage, leading us to what logical question?

⁶ In the arrangement of marriage instituted by God, it is selfishness that is often at the root of a problem between marriage mates. The woman who wants to be waited on hand and foot, as the expression goes, as she may have been spoiled by her mother or father, is basically selfish. The man who wants to continue a life-style of singleness, that of always being with the “boys” after his marriage, is basically selfish. Think about all the ways in which husband and wife have differences, and you will see that selfishness is at the root of so many of the problems.

⁷ In striving to cope with the problems occurring in marriage, how does one overcome this inborn tendency toward selfishness? There are a number of things that can be done and which, when applied, can help a marriage that is foundering. But each partner in the marriage arrangement has to be willing to do his or her share. It is not a one-way street. Let us examine some of the factors involved.

Unselfishness in Marriage

8. How is marriage a sharing?

⁸ Marriage is a sharing, meaning that neither marriage partner can take the other for granted and feel that only as long as one of the partners gives and the other takes will all be well. That will not work to the blessing of either. For example, the relatives on both sides have to be taken into consideration. This should not be allowed to become a sore point in the marriage arrangement, so that one’s own parents or other relatives are taken into consideration and not those of one’s mate. Where a family will spend vacations or other periods of relaxation should not always be one-sided decisions. Thoughtful concern shown in such matters will help make a marriage successful. Never take each other for granted but display unselfishness.​—Philippians 2:4.

The mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of each one in the marriage bond must be taken into consideration. Some Christians have allowed themselves to become deeply involved in secular work, to the exclusion of congregational activity, including attending meetings and sharing in the preaching and disciple-making work. Then they try to make up for what they feel is a lack in their lives by indulging in a lot of recreation. They seem to think that as long as they are occupied, their problems will somehow be solved for now, and then in the New Order of things they will get around to each other’s needs emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But life does not work that way. Paul’s advice was that a man should care for his wife as he does for his own body. (Ephesians 5:28) That means giving attention now to the needs of his mate, even as he daily gives attention to his own needs. The same can be said for the woman.

A Balanced Approach to Married Life

16-18. (a) Why is a balanced approach to life and marriage necessary, and how are we cautioned with regard to our wants and others’ needs? (b) Why is it good to ponder on such matters before marriage?

¹⁶ A balanced approach to life will assist in a balanced approach to marriage. The balanced person will realize that due to inherited selfish tendencies he must at all times work to overcome such blemishes. It is so easy never to think of the needs of others as coming before one’s personal wants. The small child wants all the toys and generally, if not properly trained by the parents, will not share these with others. His selfishness will, in later years, stretch into other fields. Thus we often find the teenagers and young adults wanting things exclusively their own way, and in their quest for satisfying their wants, they are unconcerned that others may be hurt or suffer. In later adult years, such persons are always craving what they like, not caring in the least about the needs of others.

¹⁷ The balanced person will not deprive himself entirely, but he will manage his individual life so that others, too, are taken into consideration. He will ask what he can do to assist others, to give of himself and of what he has to benefit others. He will not insist on having his own way first, last, and always. The book of Proverbs says: “The generous soul will itself be made fat, and the one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered.”​—Proverbs 11:25.

¹⁸ Following such a course in single life will be most beneficial to a person later in married life. His or her mate will always be taken into consideration in any decisions made. Rather than thinking of marriage as an experiment or a temporary arrangement, such a person will look at marriage as the permanent arrangement Jehovah God had in mind when he joined the first human pair together in Eden. (Genesis 2:22-24) At every turn, efforts will be made to keep the marriage together, to help the mate, as both grow in appreciation for God and for each other.

In Summary

19-21. (a) How can we make sure we will not view marriage as just an experimental arrangement? (b) What should be borne in mind by all persons, young or old, who seek genuine happiness in marriage?

¹⁹ “What God has yoked together let no man put apart.” Yes, those words of counsel by Jesus are filled with meaning for the true Christian. Marriage is no experimental arrangement that can be dropped if one finds the going difficult. We must constantly battle the imperfect flesh to keep the human tendency to selfishness in check and so gain God’s approval. (Compare Romans 7:21-25.) To make a success of the marriage contract, both partners must learn to give and take, to provide and be provided for, and never to take the other for granted.​—Ephesians 5:21-23, 28, 33.