What Can a Wife Do?

WIVES often ask that question in a tone of despair. Their marital problems just seem beyond themselves to solve.

These wives, unfortunately, are not exceptions. Today they seem to be in the majority​—a result of what psychologist Israel Charny calls “the nearly disastrous state of most marriages.”

Therefore, it should come as happy news to many to hear that, despite the seriousness of family problems, there is a way to handle them successfully. Considering the origin of marriage sheds much light upon both the problems and the solution.

Where Marriage Originated

Many believe that marriage is of human origin, that in some way it was worked out in the distant past by men. This idea is at the very root of today’s disastrous family breakdown. Why do we say this?

Because it shoves aside as unimportant the very finest counsel on marital problem. Marriage is really of a higher origin. Almighty God himself created the first man and woman, gave them powers of reproduction, and joined them together in marriage. God also provided instructions recorded in the Bible on how to make a success of marriage. When these instructions are followed closely, marital success is enjoyed.

Can the Bible Really Help?

Some persons object, saying that people have long had the Bible and yet their marriages have been failures. The increased divorce rate, they say, is due to fewer couples putting up with unhappy marriages.

There is considerable truth in this argument. Millions of unhappy couples do possess the Bible. But have they read it? More importantly, have they applied its principles in their lives? The simple fact is, the Bible’s advice has already helped many couples to handle their family problems successfully.

If you want a happy marriage, it is wise at least to examine family problems in the light of what this book the Bible says.

When Sex Is a Problem

Sex is commonly cited as a major problem in marriage. This is often due to unrealistic views sponsored by the news media. Popular books, magazines and movies have couples ‘fall in love’ and live ‘happily ever after.’ Literature also highlights sexual pleasures, often raising expectations beyond what realization fulfills.

To illustrate, one young wife explained: “I guess I wanted sex to be some psychedelic jackpot that made the whole world light up like a pinball machine. I mean, it was all right but I kept thinking, ‘Is that all there is? Is that all there really is?’”

The wife’s overriding concern was her own sexual enjoyment. She was not satisfied. This is the complaint of many women​—that their husbands do not satisfy them sexually. In such case, what can a wife do? Is it possible for her to realize greater satisfaction? Does the Bible say anything helpful?

Note the straightforward encouragement it provides: “Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband. Do not be depriving each other of it, except by mutual consent.”​—1 Cor. 7:3, 5.

According to this Bible counsel, whom should a mate be concerned primarily with pleasing? One’s own self, as was the primary interest of the above-mentioned wife? No, but, rather, one’s mate. The underlying principle here in the Bible is of rendering, giving. The welfare and pleasure of the marriage mate, not oneself, is properly paramount. This is in harmony with the further Bible principles: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” “Love . . . does not look for its own interests.”​—1 Cor. 10:24; 13:4, 5.

But how can seeking to please her husband increase the satisfaction of a wife? Well, enjoyment of intercourse is largely dependent upon the mind and heart. Thus, when wives view sexual relations as an opportunity to display their deep love for their husbands, they more frequently, as a side result, find that they themselves are enjoying the relations to a higher degree. When the wife’s mind is not principally on her own sensations, she often relaxes. Any resentment she may have entertained melts away, and the personal pleasure she really desires in the marriage act is realized as a natural consequence.

The greatest teacher to walk the earth, Jesus Christ, indicated that giving of oneself will, in turn, bring a person satisfaction. He said: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” This principle has time and again proved true in connection with intimate marriage relations.​—Acts 20:35.

Furthermore, applying Bible counsel is likely to work for the wife’s satisfaction because of the effect on her husband. It will do more than anything else to move him to begin to act unselfishly toward her, being more considerate of her needs and desires. It has happened this way in many marriages. The one taking the initiative in giving receives back in kind.​—Luke 6:38.

Thus the Bible urges showing unselfishness and love in paying the marriage dues. Try practicing this. See if it does not eventually lead to your realizing greater marital satisfaction.

When Husbands Lack Initiative

Dr. Rebecca Liswood, a marriage counselor with over twenty years of experience, noted another major marriage problem, explaining: “Many of my clients complain of the weakness and irresolution of their husbands.”

Perhaps this is your complaint. Your husband may fail to shoulder his family responsibilities as you believe he should. What can you do about it?

Again the Bible provides help. It shows that man and woman were created with somewhat different qualities and responsibilities, with the purpose that their union contribute to mutual happiness. After creating man, the Creator said: “I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”​—Gen. 2:18.

The two were thus created to go together; their qualities balanced or complemented each other. Each was created with a need that the other filled. Thus woman was made as a helper to her husband, and in keeping with that role the Bible urges: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands . . . because a husband is head of his wife.” (Eph. 5:22, 23) This is practical, for if there is no head in the family there is usually discord and confusion.

‘But that is the very problem,’ you may say. ‘My husband does not assume headship; he does not take the lead.’ Yet have you considered why he does not? Could your own attitude be part of the problem?

Today female aggressiveness and competition with men have become common. Has some of this spirit rubbed off on you, as it has on other wives? For example, Dr. Liswood said that, even though they may fail to realize it, her clients’ “own aggressive tactics” are often a source of family problems.

Many husbands are repelled when wives push ahead. Their reaction may be, ‘If she wants to run the show, let her go ahead and do it.’ It may not be your intention to operate independently of your husband, but he may think that it is.

Yet you may feel that you are forced to take the lead, since your husband simply will not do so. But could you do more to encourage him to fill his proper role in the family? Do you ask for his suggestions and guidance? Do you indicate that you are looking up to him for leadership? Do you avoid in any way belittling what he does? When in small ways he manifests willingness to make decisions or take the lead in family affairs, do you express appreciation for this? Or do you argue against his decisions?

If you really work on fulfilling your God-assigned role in marriage, it is likely that your husband may start to assume his. And this will contribute to genuine family peace and happiness.

When Communication Breaks Down

Another complaint, perhaps the commonest one voiced by wives, runs something like this: ‘My husband was thoughtful during our courtship, but he isn’t now. He’s hardly ever at home, and when he is, he makes no effort to talk to me.’

Does a communication problem threaten the welfare of your family? It need not, for the Bible helps marriage mates to view matters realistically.

For example, the Bible emphasizes that we are all imperfect. “We all stumble many times,” it says. “If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (Jas. 3:2) So, then, is it realistic to expect perfect marital harmony in word and deed? Think back: Before marriage, did you enjoy perfect relations with your brothers and sisters, school friends or possible roommates, with never a sharp word between you? If not, why expect faultless relations with your marriage mate?

Do not be surprised if differences of opinions or expressions give rise to problems. Do not assume, as some wives apparently do, that a dispute or conflict is evidence that ‘he doesn’t love me anymore.’ Try to deal with the problem objectively. True, you may feel deep emotional hurt, but try not to think principally of your own hurt feelings or of how to get even. This will only enlarge the problem. Rather, consider what can be done to settle the difficulty. Do it right away. Remember the Bible’s counsel: “Love . . . does not become provoked, it does not keep account of the injury.”​—1 Cor. 13:4, 5.

Analyze your own conduct. Could you bear a measure of fault? Could you, for example, in some way have failed to heed this Scriptural admonition: “The wife should have deep respect for her husband”? (Eph. 5:33) “Deep respect” will cause a wife to avoid anything that would result in her husband’s displeasure. Failure to show such respect is often responsible for a husband’s aloofness.

Many husbands are driven away by the nagging of a contentious wife. (Prov. 25:24; 27:15) In one instance a divorced man said: “Do you know what finally finished me and Estelle? It was her need to be right at all costs. . . . whenever anything went badly, her line was, ‘I told you so!’” Are you careful to avoid such expressions that would show disrespect for your husband?

“Deep respect” may also be shown by a wife’s appearance. Do you try to be attractive to your husband? Would he have continued to call on you before you were married if you gave no more attention to your appearance and personal hygiene than you do now? What about your home? Is it kept neat and clean? Are meals prepared tastefully? When he comes home, do you welcome him with genuine affection? Respect for your husband includes close attention to all these matters.

As for the oft-heard complaint, ‘He doesn’t talk to me anymore,’ one woman said: “The blue-ribbon reason why men don’t talk to their wives is simply that we’re such poor listeners.” Is this true of you? When your husband speaks, do you butt in, leaf through a magazine or have your ear tuned in to some other matter? Lack of interest in his opinions and feelings is certainly not showing him “deep respect.”

By analyzing your conduct in the light of Bible counsel, you may see things that you can do to improve your handling of family problems. Application of God’s instruction has brought contentment and happiness to thousands of troubled homes.

When Husbands Do Not Respond

Yet what if, despite a wife’s efforts, her husband continues to make life difficult? For a Christian wife there is still considerable satisfaction, for, as the Bible notes: “If, when you are doing good and you suffer, you endure it, this is a thing agreeable with God.”​—1 Pet. 2:20.

In such suffering Jesus Christ himself set the example, as the Bible account goes on to note: “When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return. When he was suffering, he did not go threatening, but kept on committing himself to the one who judges righteously. . . . In like manner, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.”​—1 Pet. 2:23-3:1.

Admittedly this may not be easy to do, even as it was not easy for Jesus submissively to endure persecution. Yet, having an “unbelieving husband” is no grounds for divorce. (1 Cor. 7:13) But, as in the case of Christ, a wife can be sustained in her righteous course by the contentment and satisfaction that come from knowing that she is doing what is pleasing to Almighty God. And she can be assured that her faithfulness will be remembered and rewarded by God in his righteous new system.​—2 Pet. 3:13; Rev. 21:3, 4.

Thus, the wife can only do so much to handle family problems successfully. For a more complete resolving of problems she needs the cooperation of her husband.

What Husbands Can Do

SUCCESS in marriage depends on the efforts of both mates. Yet the husband bears the greater responsibility for conditions in the family. This is because of his position. God’s Word the Bible says: “A husband is head of his wife.”​—Eph. 5:23.

A husband may feel that his wife is primarily the cause of the problems. But even if she is, is it not the mark of a good head that he can successfully handle problems of those under his charge?

Someone may object: ‘Dealing with my wife is different. It’s easier to manage a hundred men in my business than it is to get along peacefully with her.’

There may be some truth in this, for, as a rule, family problems have been the most difficult for men to handle. No doubt that is why the Creator of the family provided husbands with lots of counsel on how to treat their wives properly. Having made them, surely God knows best how wives should be treated by husbands.

The Key to Warm Marital Intimacy

The Creator purposed that a warm intimacy be enjoyed in marriage, and so designed woman “as a complement” of man. Mates, therefore, were not simply to be acquaintances that share the same dwelling place; they were to be “one flesh.” (Gen. 2:18, 24) Their respective qualities were to be balanced, complemented, so well that a truly joyous relationship would be possible. Yet it is rather rare to find such an intimate warmth between mates.

Husbands, for example, frequently complain that their wives are too cold to be adequate sex partners. But why? Where does the trouble lie? As head of the family, the husband should certainly deal intelligently with the problem.

The Holy Bible states: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” (Eph. 5:28, 29) How important is this advice? Do women really need to be loved by their husbands?

Indeed they do. Marriage counselors often emphasize this. For example, Dr. David Reuben observed: “A wife particularly needs that special kind of attention that involves tenderness, understanding and reassurance.”

It is a cardinal truth: For wives to be genuinely happy they need to feel that they are loved. So the key to warm marital intimacy is for husbands to fill this need. The Bible urges husbands: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself.”​—Eph. 5:33.

Why Love Needs Expression

However, men often consider expressing love for their wives unnecessary, apparently feeling that supporting them materially is evidence enough of their love. But when expressions of affection are withheld, how is a wife affected? The following letter from a wife may give you some idea. She wrote:

“Here is my problem: I am so hungry . . . for a little sweet talk, a compliment, the feel of his arm around my waist while I’m cooking or a chance to sit in his lap, I’d trade all the material things I have for one affectionate squeeze.”

Yes, wives need to be shown love. They blossom out when they receive it, becoming more contented and often even more physically attractive. They were created with this need for love. That is why God urges husbands to love their wives. Failure to heed this counsel has had tragic consequences. It is, in fact, a principal cause of the unhappiness found in so many marriages today. Why so?

Because a wife starved for her husband’s tenderness and affection is likely to feel insecure and lack confidence regarding her femininity. Even resentment of her husband may develop, including perhaps a subconscious desire to get even with him for his neglect of her. How can a wife with such feelings be expected to be a warm and intimate sex partner?

Giving Expression to Love

Often husbands do love their wives, but find it difficult to express it. Here again the Bible can be helpful, for it shows how we should treat others. It says: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.”​—Col. 3:12, 13.

Some men, however, feel that it would be unmanly to treat their wives this way. And yet this is actually the way wives should be treated. In fact, sex relations for a wife may be unsatisfying, and even unpleasant, if her husband fails to appreciate that she was designed by God to respond to a kind, considerate man, not a harsh, demanding one.

The Creator realized that husbands, confronted as they are with so many erroneous ideas, would need instruction on how to love their wives. That is why he encourages them to be tender and considerate, saying: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.”​—1 Pet. 3:7.

When it comes to sexual relations, it is especially important that a husband heed this instruction. He should act in accord with knowledge of how God made women. They usually are not as strong physically as men, and emotionally they are generally more delicate and sentimental than men. So God tells husbands to give wives honor as to a weaker vessel, to be respectful of their makeup, limitations and vicissitudes.

Thus, there are likely to be times when wives are very tired and do not feel up to having sexual relations. A husband could be demanding, forcing himself upon his wife. He may consider this a demonstration of his manly headship, feeling it weak to accede to her wish that they wait until another time. However, honoring his wife’s feelings in this matter is not a sign of weakness, but, rather, of strength. It requires manliness to exercise self-control and not to take personal affront at his wife’s wishes.

Also, it is important that the husband act in accord with knowledge while preparing for and engaging in intercourse. He should understand that a wife is not immediately prepared sexually to receive him. She is slower to respond in a sexual way.

Therefore, a husband who follows God’s instructions to honor his wife will take this into consideration. He will tenderly and patiently help her to receive him, so that the marriage act can be equally pleasurable and satisfying to both of them. What often occurs when a wife experiences such unselfish love from her husband? The warm love she, in turn, feels for him smooths over friction that may develop in other areas of married life.

Actually sex is only a small part of marriage in which God’s instructions need to be applied. A husband should not forget to treat his wife according to knowledge and with honor at other times also. For example, he needs to realize that her biological cycle may, at times, affect her adversely in physical, mental and emotional ways. She may then do and say things that she would not ordinarily. A husband needs to take this into consideration, and not to be overly sensitive if she speaks sharply or acts rashly, but continue to treat her with kindness.

Yet much more is involved. Successful marriage requires cooperation and communication. Although the husband is head of the family, before making decisions he should consider the opinions, likes and dislikes of his wife, even giving her preference when there is no issue at stake. In this way he shows her honor.

By thus heeding God’s counsel, there will be peace and happiness in the marriage. But if mates do not cooperate in the various aspects of their marriage, what may then happen when it comes to sex relations? One wife wrote very frankly about this, saying:

“Men complain because their wives are ‘cold.’ May I tell you about my marriage? . . . I have tried to draw [my husband] into conversations about my work . . . And he never says a word about his work, although I ask lots of questions, hoping to generate a little conversation between us. . . .

“Sunday night is his night to ‘relax’ so we don’t go anywhere. I go to bed at 9:30 as I’ve spent my day cooking and cleaning. He hits the hay after the late movie. Then he starts looking for an affectionate bed partner.

“I wonder how many married women are eager to make love to a stranger who hasn’t talked to them all week.”

Really, this is something for husbands to think about. If a warm intimacy does not exist in your marriage, could it be that you bear considerable responsibility for this? It takes humility to acknowledge one’s shortcomings and to take steps to correct them. Doing so, however, will surely help to bring you and your wife greater satisfaction and contentment.

But perhaps the problem in your family is of an entirely different nature. There is more that a husband desires in a wife than a satisfying sex partner.

Handling Other Problems

Caring for the home and cooking tasty and nutritious meals are also integral parts of marriage. One husband expressed his complaint bluntly: “Maybe other husbands will disagree with me, but I would rather have a cleaner house and better fed kids than a wife who lets everything go so she can rest up for sack time.”

Your wife, too, may fall considerably short of measuring up to the “capable wife” described in the Bible. (Prov. 31:10-31) What can you do?

Some husbands may, in a nagging way, draw comparisons with the well-kept homes and fine cooking of other wives. But this probably will only cause their wives to feel resentment. How much better if a husband can appeal to his wife in such a way that she desires to improve in her care of the home and in her cooking ability!

Attention might tactfully be drawn to the poor impression created on others if the home is messy, or the family ill fed. And if there are children, it might be noted that they will be affected adversely later in life by poor parental example now. If these points are made with love and kindness, it will give your wife incentive to improve.

If your wife never learned homemaking skills, encourage and help her to learn. Let her know how much you appreciate her efforts. Even when improvement is small, sincerely compliment her. Then, on your day off, or in the evening, why not give her a hand by washing the dishes and cleaning the rugs and floors? This is practical application of the Bible counsel to ‘love your wife,’ and it is certain to produce rewarding results.

A husband, too, needs to be reasonable, avoiding being overly fussy. One husband, who had often nagged his wife about being neat, was on vacation when his wife required a short hospital stay. After caring for the home and children a few days and thus realizing for the first time all that was involved, he sincerely apologized to his wife for his fussiness.

So be understanding and alert to compliment, rather than demanding or critical. Then if you do make a suggestion for improvement, it will likely be welcomed.

Regardless of what problem arises between you and your wife, if you will only remember that “husbands ought to be loving their wives,” you will be aided to handle the situation successfully.​—Eph. 5:28.

However, in many families today major problems are with the children. What can be done to handle these successfully?