Chapter 2

Laying a Fine Foundation for Your Marriage

1-3. According to Matthew 7:24-27, on what does real success in life depend?

A HOUSE, a life or a marriage is only as good as the foundation on which it rests. In one of his illustrations Jesus spoke of two men—a wise one who built his house on solid rock and a foolish one who built on sandy soil. When a storm arose, and floodwaters and winds lashed the houses, the one on solid rock stood, but the one on sand fell with a great crash.

² Jesus was not teaching people how to build houses. He was emphasizing the need to build their lives on a fine foundation. As God’s messenger, he said: “Everyone that hears these sayings of mine and does them” is like the man building on solid rock. But “everyone hearing these sayings of mine and not doing them” is like the one building on sand.—Matthew 7:24-27.

³ Note that in both cases Jesus shows it is not just a matter of hearing wise counsel and knowing what to do. What makes the difference between success and failure is the doing of what the wise counsel says. “If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.”—John 13:17.

4. What are some things that we can learn from the marriage of the first human pair? (Genesis 2:22-3:19)

⁴ This is certainly true of marriage. If we build our marriage on a rocklike foundation, it will stand the stresses of life. But from where does this fine foundation come? From the Creator of marriage, Jehovah God. He started marriage when he brought the first human pair together as husband and wife. Then he gave them wise instructions for their own good. Whether they followed these wise instructions would determine whether they had an everlasting glorious future or no future at all. Both of them knew God’s instructions, but, sadly, they allowed selfishness to prevent them from obeying these guidelines. They chose to ignore the counsel and, as a result, their marriage and their lives collapsed like a storm-lashed house built on sand.

5, 6. What help does God provide for married persons and for those who are contemplating marriage?

⁵ Jehovah God brought that first pair together in marriage, but he does not personally make the marital arrangements for couples today. His wise counsel for happy marriages, however, is still available. It is up to each individual today who contemplates marriage to decide whether he will apply the counsel. God’s Word also shows that we can ask him for help in making a wise decision regarding a prospective mate.—James 1:5, 6.

⁶ Circumstances, of course, vary considerably in different parts of the earth. In many areas today men and women make their own selection of a marriage mate. But among a considerable part of earth’s population the parents work out the marriage, sometimes through a “matchmaker.” In some areas a man gets a wife only after paying a “bride price” to her parents, and the size of the price may even put the marriage out of the man’s reach. Whatever the circumstances, however, the Bible provides counsel that can help toward the enduring success of a marriage.

KNOW YOURSELF FIRST

7-10. (a) When contemplating marriage, what does a person need to know about himself? How can he find out? (b) What does the Bible say as to the validity of reasons for getting married?

⁷ What do you want out of marriage? What are your needs—physically, emotionally, spiritually? What are your values, your goals and your methods of reaching them? To answer these questions you must know yourself. This is not as easy as one might think. It takes emotional maturity to examine ourselves, and even then it is not possible to see ourselves as we really are in every detail. The Christian apostle Paul indicated this when he wrote, at 1 Corinthians 4:4: “I am not conscious of anything against myself. Yet by this I am not proved righteous, but he that examines me is Jehovah.”

⁸ On a certain occasion the Creator wanted the man Job to realize some facts that he was failing to discern, and God said to him: “Let me question you, and you inform me.” (Job 38:3) Questions can help us to know ourselves and to discover motives. So question yourself about your interest in marriage.

⁹ Do you want to get married to satisfy physical needs—food, clothing, shelter? Those needs are basic to all of us, as the Bible says: “Having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things.” And the need for sex? That is also a normal desire. “It is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion.” (1 Timothy 6:8; 1 Corinthians 7:9) Is it for companionship? That was a major reason why God established the marriage arrangement. Another was for two persons to cooperate together in work. (Genesis 2:18; 1:26-28) Accomplishing good work is a source of satisfaction and should have its reward: “Every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God.”—Ecclesiastes 3:13.

¹⁰ Persons in love have long viewed the heart as a symbol of their feelings. The Bible, however, asks a disturbing question about the heart: “Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Are you sure you know what is in your heart?

11. What basic emotional needs should be satisfied in marriage?

¹¹ Often, physical attraction blinds us to other emotional needs. In seeking a mate, do you give sufficient weight to your need for receiving understanding, kindness and compassion? Basic needs of all of us are: someone to be close to, to confide in, to reveal ourselves to without fear of being hurt; someone who will not shut “the door of his tender compassions” upon us. (1 John 3:17) Can you give all of this to your mate, and will he or she give it to you in return?

12. Why is the satisfying of physical and emotional needs not sufficient for a happy marriage?

¹² Jesus said: “Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need.” (Matthew 5:3) What is your spiritual need? Does it relate to seeking a career? Riches? Material possessions? Well, do these pursuits bring inner peace and contentment? Usually they do not. So we need to appreciate that within all persons there is a hunger of the spirit that remains, even after all the physical needs are satisfied. Our spirit hungers for identity—to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, and where we are going. Are you conscious of these spiritual needs, and of the way to meet them?

COMPATIBILITY

13. For a happy marriage, what must you discern in addition to your own needs?

¹³ If you understand all these needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.

14. In many marriages, why do mates find that they are incompatible?

¹⁴ Many marriages end up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. Incompatibility is a big word, but its importance in marriage is even bigger. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. Such a situation brings to mind the provision of the Mosaic law that mercifully prohibited yoking together two animals of different build and strength, because of the hardship it would create. (Deuteronomy 22:10) So, too, with a man and a woman who are not well matched and yet are teamed up in marriage. When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain.

15, 16. What are some matters that should be discussed with a prospective marriage mate, and how?

¹⁵ “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” the Bible tells us. (Proverbs 15:22) In considering marriage, have practical matters been discussed? How will the man’s work fit into the marriage? It will determine where you live and how much money will be coming in to meet practical needs. Who will handle the budget? Is there need for the wife to work, and is that desirable? What is to be the relationship with in-laws, especially the parents of both parties? How does each one feel about sex, children and the training of children? Does one want to dominate the other, or will kind consideration govern the relationship?

¹⁶ Can all these questions, and others as well, be discussed calmly and logically, and settled in a way that both of you can live with comfortably? Can problems be faced and solved together, and the channel of communication be kept always open? That is the lifeline of a successful marriage.

17-19. Why do family backgrounds have a bearing on compatibility in marriage?

¹⁷ Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds. The book Aid to Bible Understanding, page 1114, states about marriage in Bible times:

“It seems to have been generally customary for a man to look for a wife within the circle of his own relations or tribe. This principle is indicated by Laban’s statement to Jacob: ‘It is better for me to give [my daughter] to you than for me to give her to another man.’ (Genesis 29:19) Especially was this observed among the worshipers of Jehovah, as exemplified by Abraham, who sent to his relatives in his own country to get a wife for his son Isaac rather than to take one from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom he was dwelling. (Genesis 24:3, 4)”

¹⁸ Of course, this does not mean it is advisable for a person today to marry a very close relative, for this could produce genetic problems that might result in defective offspring. But family backgrounds do have much to do with the set of values people have. During childhood and youth a person’s conduct and feelings are naturally influenced by the family atmosphere. When the backgrounds of both parties are similar, they usually find it easier to ‘grow in the same soil and flourish in the same climate.’ However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.

¹⁹ Clearly it is beneficial if you can know something about your prospective mate’s family. But also see how he or she relates to the family—to parents and brothers and sisters. How does he or she treat older persons, or get along with young children?

20, 21. In selecting a mate, what view should be taken of individual shortcomings?

²⁰ Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?

²¹ It is not the shortcomings themselves that make marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? The apostle Peter said, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.

‘I CAN CHANGE HIM’

22-24. Why is it unwise to marry someone on the basis of his promise to change his ways or with the intent of trying to change the person?

²² Do you say, ‘I can change him’ or ‘her,’ as the case may be? But with whom are you in love? With the person as he or she is, or as that one will be after your remodeling efforts? It is difficult to change ourselves, much more so to change others. However, powerful truths from God’s Word can cause the individual to change himself. A person can “put away the old personality,” being made new in the force actuating the mind. (Ephesians 4:22, 23) But be very skeptical of a prospective mate’s promise to make a sudden change for you! Though bad habits can be corrected or modified, this may take time, even years. Nor can we ignore the fact that inherited traits and environmental factors have given us specific temperaments and molded us in certain ways to make us distinct individuals. True love can move us to help one another to improve and to overcome weaknesses, but it will not move us to try to force a mate into a new and unnatural mold that crushes his or her personality.

²³ Some have in their minds an image of their ideal, and they try to fit every passing infatuation of theirs into this image. Of course, no one can measure up to an impossible dream, but the infatuated one hangs on tenaciously and tries to force the other person to fulfill it. When this fails, he or she is disillusioned and searches elsewhere to find the imaginary ideal. But such ones never find their ideal. They seek a dream person that does not exist beyond their own fantasies. Persons who think like that are not good marriage material.

²⁴ Perhaps you have had such dreams. Most of us have at certain times in our lives; many young people do. But with increased emotional maturity we realize that such fantasies must be put aside as impractical. In marriage what counts is reality, not mere imagination.

25. What is the difference between real love and infatuation?

²⁵ Real love is not as blind as many think. It will cover a multitude of shortcomings, but real love is not oblivious to them. It is infatuation, not love, that is blind, refusing to see the problems others can foresee. It even submerges its own nagging doubts; but be assured they will surface later on. Close your eyes to unpleasant facts during courtship and you will certainly face them after the wedding. Our natural inclination is to put on our best appearance with someone we hope to please or attract, but in time the full and true picture is seen. Allow yourself that time to see the other person as he or she really is, and be honest in presenting yourself as you actually are. The apostle’s exhortation at 1 Corinthians 14:20 could also apply in seeking a mate: “Do not become young children . . . become full-grown in powers of understanding.”

COMMITMENTS MADE IN MARRIAGE

26. According to the Scriptures, how binding is the marriage tie? (Romans 7:2, 3)

²⁶ One should soberly consider the commitments made in marriage. If the commitment of either person is not strong and solid, the marriage will rest on a shaky foundation. In many parts of the world today, marriages are made and then quickly broken. Often it is because the persons entering the marriage did not view the commitment as morally binding, taking the position instead that ‘if it doesn’t work out, I’ll end it.’ Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed from the start and, rather than bringing happiness, generally produces only heartache. The Bible, by contrast, shows that marriage should be a lifelong relationship. God said, of the first pair, that the two “must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:18, 23, 24) For the man there was to be no other woman, and for the woman no other man. God’s Son reaffirmed this, saying: “They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” Only sexual unfaithfulness would be a just basis for breaking the marital bond.—Matthew 19:3-9.

27-29. (a) What does a woman do well to look for in a prospective marriage mate? (b) What might a man wisely look for in a prospective marriage mate?

²⁷ In view of the seriousness of marriage, a woman who wants to be successful in it does well to marry only a man that she can respect—one who is stable and balanced, has sound judgment, is able to handle responsibility and is mature enough to accept helpful criticism. Ask yourself: Will he be a good provider, a good father to any children that may bless the union? Does he have high moral standards so that you can both be firmly resolved to keep the marriage bed honorable and undefiled? Does he manifest humility and modesty or is he proud and opinionated, one who wants to flaunt his headship, who thinks he is always right and is unwilling to reason on matters? By associating with the man for a sufficient time before marriage, these things can be discerned, especially if Bible principles are held to as the standard for judgment.

²⁸ Similarly, a man who takes the success of his marriage seriously will seek a wife that he can love as his own flesh. She should complement him as a partner in establishing a home. (Genesis 2:18) Being a good homemaker is a demanding career of varied responsibilities. It calls for demonstrating talents as a cook, decorator, economist, mother, teacher, and much more. Her role can be creative and challenging, offering many opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. A good wife, like a worthwhile husband, is a worker: “She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat.”—Proverbs 31:27.

²⁹ Yes, both do well to give thought to what they see—to evidence of personal cleanliness and orderliness or lack of it; of diligence or, instead, of laziness; of reasonableness and consideration as opposed to stubbornness and egotism; of thriftiness or of wastefulness; of thinking ability that makes for enjoyable conversation and spiritual enrichment as contrasted with mental laziness that makes life a monotonous routine of caring for daily physical needs and little else.

30, 31. Why can immoral conduct during courtship hinder one’s enjoying a good marriage?

³⁰ Sincere respect for each other is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. And this also applies to expressions of affection during courtship. Undue familiarity or unbridled passion can cheapen the relationship before the marriage begins. Sexual immorality is not a good foundation on which to begin building a marriage. It betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person’s future happiness. The fierce heat of passion that momentarily seems to forge an unbreakable bond can quickly cool and, within weeks or even days, the marriage may turn to ashes.—Compare the account of Amnon’s passion for Tamar related at 2 Samuel 13:1-19.

³¹ Displays of passion in courtship can sow seeds of doubt that later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it to share life with someone who is genuinely appreciated and loved as a person? Lack of self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of it afterward, with resulting infidelity and unhappiness. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Bad memories left by premarital immorality can hinder a smooth emotional adjustment to marriage in its early stages.

32. How can immoral conduct during courtship affect one’s relationship with God?

³² Even more serious, such immorality damages one’s relationship with our Creator, whose help we seriously need. “For this is what God wills, the sanctifying of you, that you abstain from fornication; . . . that no one go to the point of harming and encroach upon the rights of his brother [or, reasonably, of one’s sister] in this matter . . . So, then, the man that shows disregard is disregarding, not man, but God, who puts his holy spirit in you.”—1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.

A ROCK FOUNDATION

33, 34. When one is choosing a marriage mate, what qualities do the Scriptures show to be far more important than physical appearance?

³³ Will your household, your family, rest on a foundation of rock or one of sand? In part it depends on the degree of wisdom used when selecting a mate. Beauty and sex are not enough. They do not erase mental and spiritual incompatibility. The counsel in God’s Word is what provides a rock foundation in marriage.

³⁴ The Bible shows that the inner person is more important than the outward appearance. “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain,” says the inspired proverb, “but the woman that fears Jehovah is the one that procures praise for herself.” (Proverbs 31:30) The apostle Peter, a married man, speaks of “the secret person of the heart” and “the quiet and mild spirit” as being “of great value in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 3:4) God ‘does not go by a man’s outward appearance,’ and we can benefit from his example by guarding against being unduly influenced by just the external appearance of the prospective marriage mate.—1 Samuel 16:7.

35, 36. (a) Why is it important to marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word? (b) To what extent would you expect a prospective mate to be manifesting that faith?

³⁵ Wise King Solomon contemplated life and came to this conclusion: “Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13) The Israelites, in covenant to obey God’s law, were specifically commanded not to make marriages with persons who did not share their form of worship, lest it draw them way from the true God. “You must form no marriage alliance with them. Your daughter you must not give to his son, and his daughter you must not take for your son. For he will turn your son from following me, and they will certainly serve other gods.”—Deuteronomy 7:3, 4.

³⁶ For similar reasons the admonition was given to those in God’s “new covenant,” those in the Christian congregation, to marry only “in the Lord.” (Jeremiah 31:31-33; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Rather than manifesting bigotry, this is motivated by wisdom and love. Nothing can give greater strength to marriage ties than mutual devotion to the Creator. If you marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word, and who understands it as you do, then you will have a common authority for counsel. You may not feel this to be vital, but “do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) Even within the Christian congregation, however, one does well to be sure that a prospective marriage partner is really a wholehearted servant of God, not one who is trying to live on the fringe of Christianity while leaning heavily toward the attitudes and practices of the world. You cannot walk with God and run with the world.—James 4:4.

37, 38. (a) Why should one avoid rushing into either courtship or marriage? (b) To whose counsel do those considering marriage do well to listen?

³⁷ “Who of you that wants to build a tower,” Jesus asked, “does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, he might lay its foundation but not be able to finish it.” (Luke 14:28, 29) The same principle applies to marriage. Since God views marriage as a lifelong union, the selection of a mate should certainly not be rushed. And be sure that you yourself are ready to finish what you have begun. Even courtship is not something to take lightly, like a game. Playing with another’s affections is a cruel sport and the emotional bruises and heartache it causes can last a long time.—Proverbs 10:23; 13:12.

³⁸ Prudent young people considering marriage do well to listen to the counsel of older persons, especially those who have shown that they have your best interests at heart. Job 12:12 reminds us of the value of this by asking: “Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?” Listen to these voices of experience. Above all, “trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight.”—Proverbs 3:5, 6.

39. How can the Bible be of assistance to persons who are already married?

³⁹ Many who read these words may already be married. Though to some extent your foundation has already been laid, the Bible can aid you to make adjustments where needed, with rewarding results. Whatever the state of your marriage, it can be enhanced by further reflection on the Creator’s counsel on family happiness.

Chapter 3

After the Wedding Day

1. How could the kind of cooperation that is described at Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 benefit one’s marriage?

YOUR wedding is past, and you and your mate are settling down as a new family unit. Is your happiness complete? You are no longer alone but have a companion to confide in, to share your joys and also your problems. Do you find Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 true in your case?—“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?” Is your marriage flourishing with this kind of cooperation? It usually takes some time and effort for this happy blending of two lives. But in many marriages, sad to say, it never happens.

2, 3. (a) What realities of life must be faced after the wedding day? (b) Why is it only reasonable to expect that adjustments will have to be made after a person gets married?

² In romantic tales, the problem often is getting the two who are in love together. But then they live happily ever after. In real life, it is living happily afterward, day by day, that presents the true challenge. After the delights of the wedding day comes the daily routine of life: getting up early, going to work, shopping, cooking meals, washing dishes, cleaning the house, and so on.

³ The marriage relationship requires adjustments. You both entered into it with at least some expectations and ideals that were not very practical and realistic. When these are not met, some disappointment may come after the first few weeks. But, remember, you have made a big change in your life. You are no longer living alone or with a family that you have been with all your life. You are now with a new person, one you may be discovering that you don’t know as well as you thought you did. Your schedule is new, your work may be new, your budget is different, and there are new friends and in-laws to get used to. The success of your marriage and your happiness depend upon your willingness to adjust.

ARE YOU FLEXIBLE?

4. What Scriptural principles could help a married person to make adjustments? (1 Corinthians 10:24; Philippians 4:5)

⁴ Some, because of pride, find it difficult to be flexible. But, as the Bible says, “pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall.” To persist in stubbornness can be calamitous. (Proverbs 16:18, New English Bible) Jesus recommended that one be willing to bend and yield when he said that if anyone wanted your “inner garment, let your outer garment also go to him,” and if someone wanted you to go “for a mile, go with him two miles.” Rather than your arguing with someone close to you, the apostle Paul asked: “Why do you not rather let yourselves be wronged?” (Matthew 5:40, 41; 1 Corinthians 6:7) If Christians can go to such extremes to keep peace with others, surely two married persons in love should be able to adjust in order to make a success of their new relationship.

5. How might one think positively or negatively about one’s marriage mate?

⁵ There are opportunities everywhere for one to be either happy or unhappy. To which will you be alert? Will you focus on the positive or dwell on the negative? The new wife may think: ‘Now that we are married, where is that romantic man who used to take me out to interesting places and spend time with me? He’s settled into a rut. He takes me for granted. He’s certainly not the man I knew before!’ Or does she understand and appreciate that he now works hard to be a good provider for his family? And does this new husband notice that his wife works hard to cook and clean, at times is very tired and does not have as much time to spend trying to look glamorous? Or does he say to himself: ‘What’s happened to that attractive young lady that I married? She’s changed, now that she has her man’?

6. When husband and wife really work to make their marriage succeed, how does this affect their relationship with each other?

⁶ Both should be mature and realize that neither one has the time or the energy to do all the things that were done before marriage. Now is the time to show flexibility and accept the deeply satisfying responsibility of making marriage work. One person can ruin a marriage, but it takes two to make it work. Making marriage work is an achievement. Achievement implies accomplishing something despite difficulties. When the two of you join in this endeavor, a part of each of you blends into this achievement. This joint effort with a mutual goal ties you together; it binds you close; it makes the two of you one. In time this creates a bond of love surpassing anything felt in anticipation of marriage, and in such unifying happiness it becomes a pleasure to adjust to each other’s differences.

7. If decisions must be made, when is it good to be yielding?

⁷ Pride fades as love grows, and there is happiness not only in giving but also in giving in, yielding, when personal preference, and not principle, is involved. It may be the buying of some item for the house, or how to spend a vacation. When concern for the other’s happiness is shown, the couple begin to fit the apostle Paul’s words: “Keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.”—Philippians 2:4.

A BALANCED VIEW OF SEX

8, 9. What is the Scriptural view of marital intimacies?

⁸ The Bible is not prudish about sexual intercourse. By poetic figures of speech it shows the ecstasy this should bring to husband and wife; it also emphasizes that sex should be restricted to husband and wife. This passage is found at Proverbs 5:15-21:

“Drink water out of your own cistern, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Should your springs be scattered out of doors, your streams of water in the public squares themselves? Let them prove to be for you alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovable hind and a charming mountain goat. Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with a strange woman or embrace the bosom of a foreign woman? For the ways of man are in front of the eyes of Jehovah, and he is contemplating all his tracks.”

⁹ However, it would be a mistake to overemphasize sex to the point of making it seem that the success of the marriage hinges on the couple’s sex life, or that it could compensate for serious shortcomings in other areas of the relationship. The flood of sexual material from books, movies and commercials—much of it designed to stir erotic desire—makes sex seem that vital. However, God’s Word disagrees, recommending self-control in all areas of life. Even in marriage, throwing off all restraint can lead to practices that cheapen the marital relationship.—Galatians 5:22, 23; Hebrews 13:4.

10. What are some things to consider that could help a married couple to adjust sexually?

¹⁰ Adjusting sexually is frequently difficult and may take some time after the wedding. This is usually due to a lack of knowledge and a failure to discern the needs of one’s partner. Talking to a respected married friend beforehand may help. Not only are a man and a woman made differently, they also feel differently. Consideration for the woman’s need for tenderness is important. But there should be no negative feeling of false modesty or prudery or feeling that sex is somehow shameful. Neither should it become an occasion of conquest, as it does with some men. “Let the husband render to his wife her due,” the Bible says, and “let the wife also do likewise to her husband.” And in so doing, this Bible principle is appropriate: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” If there is such love and desire to please on both sides, a good adjustment will be made.—1 Corinthians 7:3; 10:24.

DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

11-13. When there are disagreements, what should we keep in mind so that the differences do not develop into serious rifts?

¹¹ No two individuals on earth are exactly the same. Each one is distinctly different. This also means that no two people will agree on everything. Most of the disagreements may be trivial, but some of them may be serious. There are homes in which disagreements quickly give rise to shouting, pushing, hitting and things being thrown; one mate or the other may leave for a period of days or weeks, or they may simply quit talking to each other. It is quite possible to disagree without having such a situation develop. How? By facing up to a certain basic truth.

¹² All of us are imperfect, all have flaws, and, despite the best of intentions, weaknesses manifest themselves. The apostle Paul found this to be true in his case: “The good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice.” (Romans 7:19) We have inherited sin from our first parents. Perfection is beyond our powers. So “who can say: ‘I have cleansed my heart; I have become pure from my sin’?”—Proverbs 20:9; Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12.

¹³ We accept our own weaknesses and make excuses for them. Can we not accept and excuse those of our marriage partner? We doubtless will readily acknowledge that we are sinners, but do we become defensive and reluctant to admit to a specific sin? And do we have the insight to understand that this reluctance to admit being in the wrong is typical of people, including our marriage partner, and do we make allowances? “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression,” says the inspired proverb. Doubtless you, like just about everyone else, subscribe to the principle of the “golden rule.” Jesus stated it in his famous Sermon on the Mount: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” Most people give it lip service; few practice it. Its sincere application would solve the problems of human relationships, including marital ones.—Proverbs 19:11; Matthew 7:12.

14, 15. (a) What can result when one unfavorably compares one’s marriage mate with another person? (b) Regarding what matters are such comparisons at times unwisely made?

¹⁴ We each like to be thought of and treated as an individual. When a person compares us unfavorably with someone else, perhaps viewing our qualities or abilities as inferior, how do we react? Generally we feel hurt or resentful. In effect we say, ‘But I am not that person. I am ME.’ Such comparisons are generally not motivating, because we want to be treated in an understanding way.

¹⁵ To illustrate the point: Do you, the husband, express appreciation for the meals that your wife prepares or do you complain that she can’t cook like your mother? How do you know how well your mother could cook when she was newly married? Maybe your wife does better than she did. Give your wife a chance to grow into her new duties and become proficient in them. And do you, the wife, complain that your new husband doesn’t bring home the salary your father does? What did your father earn when he was newly married? Even that doesn’t matter. What matters is the help you give your husband. Do you get up and make breakfast for him before he goes to work, so that he feels you support and appreciate his efforts? Does either one bicker with the other one over the in-laws, or disagree over the friendships to be cultivated or recreation to be engaged in? These and other disagreements may arise. How will you work them out?

16. What is wrong with the theory that violent quarrels help to resolve difficulties?

¹⁶ Some modern psychologists contend that quarrels are useful in resolving difficulties. Their theory is that frustrations build up, generate pressure and finally explode into a violent quarrel. In the heat of such angry exchanges, resentments long held in are blurted out, aired and disposed of—so the theory goes. Until this happens, the frustrations are held within to simmer and stew, and then boil over at a later time. But there is grave danger that such heated outbursts may cause you to say things you do not mean, and wounds may be inflicted that are beyond healing. You may wrong the other person so severely that a barrier is raised that you cannot thereafter breach. As Proverbs 18:19 warns: “A brother who is transgressed against is more than a strong town; and there are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower.” The sound counsel found in the Bible is: “Quit before the quarrel breaks out.”—Proverbs 17:14, Revised Standard Version.

COMMUNICATE!

17. What might be done to prevent disagreements from building up inside oneself and reaching explosive proportions?

¹⁷ Far better than letting disagreements build up inside you until they reach explosive proportions, discuss them as they arise. Brooding over a wrong almost always causes it to seem worse than it really is. Discuss it now or forget it. Is it only a passing remark? Let it pass. Does it need discussing? Has your mate done something that distresses you? Don’t bluntly condemn; try raising the point in question form, or making a suggestion that will open it up for discussion. For example, you might say: ‘Honey, there is something I don’t understand. Could you help me?’ Then listen. Try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Heed the warning of Proverbs 18:13: “When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation.” None of us like it when someone jumps to wrong conclusions about us. So, rather than react quickly, endeavor to discern the intent or motive behind the act. Do as Proverbs 20:5 advises: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.”

18. What might help us to dispel negative moods?

¹⁸ Are you given to moods? A moody person is difficult to live with. Some contend that moods are beyond our control, being governed by chemicals in the brain. Whether that is so or not, feelings are contagious. We may be either cheered up or depressed by those around us. Music can create various kinds of moods in us. Stories also can do this. The thoughts we harbor in our minds affect the way we feel. If you brood on negative things you will be depressed; by an act of will you can force the mind to think positive, optimistic thoughts. Think on them. (Philippians 4:8) If you find this difficult, try some vigorous physical activity—do some hard work, even if it’s hoeing weeds or scrubbing a floor; get out and jog or walk in the woods, or, better yet, find something helpful to do for someone else—anything to direct your attention and energies elsewhere. It is far better to nourish a good mood than to nurse a bad one. And it’s much more fun, for you and most certainly for your mate!

19. How might one deal understandingly with the moods of one’s marriage mate?

¹⁹ However, there are times when events grieve you deeply, or severe illness and pain afflict you. Or, in the case of your wife, monthly cycles and pregnancy greatly vary the secretion of powerful hormones that affect the nervous system and the emotions. A woman may be experiencing premenstrual tension without being consciously aware of it. It is a major factor that the husband should keep in mind so that, instead of becoming exasperated, he can show insight. In such special circumstances both husband and wife should recognize what is responsible for any change of temperament and respond in an upbuilding way. “The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight, and to his lips it adds persuasiveness.” And, “a true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.”—Proverbs 16:23; 17:17.

20-22. (a) Why is undue jealousy to be avoided? (b) What might be done to give one’s marriage mate a feeling of security?

²⁰ Is your marriage partner jealous? It is proper for a person to be jealous of his reputation, and of his marriage also. As adrenaline will start a heart beating again, so jealousy arouses the soul to the defense of something cherished. The opposite of jealousy is indifference, and we should not be indifferent to our marriage.

²¹ But there is another kind of jealousy, one induced by insecurity and fed by the imagination. Such unreasoning, overly possessive jealousy turns the marriage into an unpleasant prison where trust and true love cannot survive. “Love is not jealous” in such a manner, and obsessive jealousy “is rottenness to the bones.”—1 Corinthians 13:4; Proverbs 14:30.

²² If your mate has just cause for feeling insecure due to jealousy, remove that cause immediately. If there is no real cause, do all in your power to build up the confidence of the jealous one, by words and even more importantly by your actions. Reach for the heart!

23. What might beneficially be considered when a person is inclined to seek the help of outsiders in resolving marital problems?

²³ Can outsiders be of help in resolving disagreements between married persons? Possibly, but they should not be called in unless both marriage partners agree to it. First, “plead your own cause with your fellowman, and do not reveal the confidential talk of another.” (Proverbs 25:9) There is a special risk in asking in-laws to arbitrate. They are not likely to be impartial. Wisely, the Bible says: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) The same applies to the wife in relation to her parents and her husband. Instead of asking parents or in-laws to arbitrate, taking sides with one mate against the other, the husband and wife should stick together, recognizing their problems as ones that they share and that need to be worked out together. To appeal to outsiders without the other partner’s consent demeans both in the eyes of others. If you will communicate openly, honestly and lovingly, there is no reason why you should not be able to solve your problems yourselves. Other mature persons may be consulted for advice, but the solution ultimately rests with you and your mate.

24, 25. What might a person do if pride interferes with the resolving of a marriage problem?

²⁴ “Do not be conceited or think too highly of yourself,” the apostle Paul advises. (Romans 12:3, New English Bible) He then adds: “In showing honor to one another take the lead.” (Romans 12:10) Sometimes when our pride is injured it helps to reflect that we are not really so big. Certainly we are not big in comparison to the earth, and the earth is itself small in the solar system, which, in turn, is tiny in the universe. In Jehovah’s eyes “all the nations are as something nonexistent . . . as nothing and an unreality they have been accounted to him.” (Isaiah 40:17) Such thoughts help to keep things in perspective, to see that disagreements may not involve such vital things after all.

²⁵ At times a sense of humor may also help us to keep from taking ourselves too seriously. To be able to laugh at yourself is a mark of maturity and smooths out many rough spots in life.

“CAST YOUR BREAD UPON THE WATERS”

26, 27. What Bible principles should be applied when one’s marriage mate does not respond to efforts to settle differences peacefully, and why?

²⁶ What if your mate does not respond to your efforts to solve differences peacefully? Follow the Bible’s advice: “Return evil for evil to no one.” Jesus is our model to copy: “When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return.” The common practice among persons is to return like for like. But if you take this course you let others shape you, make you what you are. Actually, they make you what they are. To let this happen is to deny yourself, what you stand for, the principles you hold dear. Instead, copy Jesus, who holds true to what he is, unchanged by the weaknesses of those around him: “If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself.”—Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 2 Timothy 2:13.

²⁷ If you are strong enough to stop a cycle of evil with good, you may start a cycle of good. “An answer, when mild, turns away rage.” (Proverbs 15:1) A mild answer does not come from weakness but springs from strength, and your mate will sense this. Since so many return like for like, your breakthrough with goodness may switch the cycle from evil to good. Certain scriptures indicate this. “The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered.” “With the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return.” “Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.“ (Proverbs 11:25; Luke 6:38; Ecclesiastes 11:1, Revised Standard Version) It may take time for your goodness to bring in a harvest of good from your mate. You don’t sow seed one day and reap on the next. Nevertheless, “whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; . . . So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out.”—Galatians 6:7-9.

28. What are some of the fine principles found in the Bible book of Proverbs that can help to promote a happy married life, and how?

²⁸ Here are some scriptures and questions for married couples to consider:

Proverbs 14:29: “He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness.” If you give yourself time to think, do you not often discover that there’s no good cause to be angry?

Proverbs 17:27: “Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit.” Do you keep your spirit cool, and hold back words that would make your mate’s spirit hot?

Proverbs 25:11: “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.” The word that is right at one time may be wrong for another time. Are you perceptive as to what is the right word at the right time?

Proverbs 12:18: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” Before you speak, do you stop and think what effect your words will have on your mate?

Proverbs 10:19: “In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly.” Sometimes when upset we say more than we mean, and we are sorry afterwards. Do you guard against this?

Proverbs 20:3: “It is a glory for a man to desist from disputing, but everyone foolish will burst out in it.” It takes two to argue. Are you mature enough to be the one to stop?

Proverbs 10:12: “Hatred is what stirs up contentions, but love covers over even all transgressions.” Do you continually rehash old disputes, or do you love your mate enough to put them behind you?

Proverbs 14:9, “New English Bible”: “A fool is too arrogant to make amends; upright men know what reconciliation means.” Are you too proud to make concessions and seek peace in your marriage?

Proverbs 26:20: “Where there is no wood the fire goes out.” Can you stop arguing, or must you have the last word?

Ephesians 4:26: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” Do you dwell on differences and thereby prolong the misery for both yourself and your mate?

29. What are some basics to keep in mind when seeking to maintain a happy marriage?

²⁹ Wise counsel benefits only when it is put into practice. Try it out. Similarly, be willing to try the suggestion your mate makes. See if it works. Who is to blame if something goes wrong? That’s not important. What is important is how things can be made right. Be flexible, air differences, talk them out, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Communicate! If you ‘love your mate as you do yourself,’ it should not be too difficult to adjust to the marriage relationship and to make it a happy one.—Matthew 19:19.

Chapter 4

A Husband Who Gains Deep Respect

1, 2. How is respect gained, and how is this well illustrated in the case of Jesus Christ?

RESPECT is not gained by merely ordering someone to respect you. You must earn respect by how you speak and act and by what you are.

² This is illustrated in the case of Christ Jesus. He gained respect as a teacher by his manner of teaching. After his Sermon on the Mount “the effect was that the crowds were astounded at his way of teaching.” What earned him this respect? His relying on God’s word the Bible instead of the opinions of other men. His sole authority was Jehovah God and His word of truth. Jesus gained respect from both friend and foe, by earning it.—Matthew 7:28, 29; 15:1-9; John 7:32, 45, 46.

3. What obligation does Ephesians 5:33 put upon a wife, and what does this require of a husband?

³ “The wife should have deep respect for her husband,” is the instruction given at Ephesians 5:33. But the husband should be diligent to merit this respect; otherwise, it will be very difficult for his wife to comply with this instruction. How can a husband fulfill his role as outlined in the Bible so as to gain such respect?

BY EXERCISING PROPER HEADSHIP

4. What place does the Bible assign to a husband?

⁴ The Bible assigns the husband to a position of headship in the marriage arrangement, saying: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation, he being a savior of this body. In fact, as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ, so let wives also be to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24) Will this arrangement really contribute to happiness in the household? Some women speak out against what they describe as male chauvinism, that is, a vainglorious or exaggerated view that some men have toward their position in relation to women. But let us say at the outset that the teachings of the Bible do not endorse such male chauvinism.

5. What should a husband recognize about headship, and whose examples should he follow?

⁵ The Bible emphasizes the fact that, not only the woman, but also the man is under headship. Turning to the Bible book of 1 Corinthians, chapter 11, verse 3, we find that the apostle Paul wrote these words to the congregation at Corinth: “I want you to know that the head of every man is the Christ; in turn the head of a woman is the man; in turn the head of the Christ is God.” Man has Christ as his head, and it is from God and Christ as examples and teachers that you, the husband, are to learn how headship is to be exercised.

6. What can husbands learn about headship from Jehovah God and Jesus Christ?

⁶ Jehovah’s headship over Christ was exercised in loving-kindness, and Christ’s response was, “To do your will, O my God, I have delighted.” (Psalm 40:8; Hebrews 10:7) Jesus Christ’s headship, too, is loving. To those who would become his disciples he said: “I am mild-tempered and lowly in heart, and you will find refreshment for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29) Those who are members of his congregation, which the Scriptures liken to a bride, have indeed found such refreshment under his headship. He has not exploited them, but has been self-sacrificing in his love. This also is the kind of headship the husband is to exercise over his wife: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . In this way husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation . . . let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:25-29, 33) If you set the example of submission to the headship of Christ, it will not be a difficult thing—in fact, it can be a pleasure—for your wife to have deep respect for your headship as her husband.

7, 8. Mention some of the ways in which some husbands fail to exercise proper headship.

⁷ The great problem is that due to imperfection and inborn selfishness there are times when a husband, while wanting to be respected as the head of the family, fails to show the needed love and consideration for his wife. Often a wife will say that she doesn’t feel loved by her husband, that his only concern is his own pleasure and satisfaction. Also, some wives complain that their husbands are domineering. Perhaps this has resulted from the wife’s attempts to usurp his headship, with his resisting such usurpation. Or, the man may have grown up in an environment where many husbands are arrogant and domineering. Regardless of the cause, such abuse of headship gains the respect of no one.

⁸ On the other hand, instead of abusing headship, some husbands abdicate it. They pass all the decision-making over to their wives. Or, while telling the wife ‘not to rush them,’ they procrastinate so much that family interests suffer. They may not be lazy or idle physically, but if they shy away from mental effort the results can be the same as those described in Proverbs 24:33, 34: “‘A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,’ and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.“—Revised Standard Version.

9, 10. When making decisions that affect the family, whose views should a husband consider?

⁹ You will gain respect from your wife if you show yourself steady and strong and able to make decisions. But that does not mean that no one else in the household is to be consulted or that your wife’s opinion is not to be given serious consideration just because it does not happen to agree with yours. Early in the Bible record we read about a serious problem in the household of Abraham and Sarah, involving their son Isaac and the son of their servant girl Hagar. Sarah recommended a solution that did not coincide with Abraham’s feelings on the matter. But God told Abraham: “Listen to her voice.”—Genesis 21:9-12.

¹⁰ We are not to conclude from this that a husband should always accede to his wife’s wishes. But it can be beneficial to discuss with her those decisions that affect the family, encouraging her to express her thoughts and feelings freely. Keep open the lines of communication, always be approachable, and weigh carefully her preferences in the decisions you make. Never be bossy or tyrannical in exercising headship, but manifest humility. You are not perfect, you will make mistakes, and when you do, you will want your wife’s understanding. When those situations arise, the wife whose husband is humble will find it easier to respect his headship than will one whose mate is proud.

BY BEING A GOOD PROVIDER

11, 12. (a) What is the husband’s responsibility as to providing material necessities of life? (b) How is it really by joint effort that such provisions are made?

¹¹ It is the husband’s responsibility to provide the material necessities of life for his family. First Timothy 5:8 shows this: “Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.” To live today, in many lands, it takes a great deal of money, and you as the husband must make the decisions that govern how this need will be met. You will probably find that, in addition to bringing home the money you earn, you will need to work out with your wife a budget that you both understand. This simply means having an arrangement for controlled spending. It will help you to live within your means, and it can do much to avoid the kind of arguments that sometimes arise when the money runs out before payday.

¹² Although in most cases it is the husband who brings in the money for the family’s support, it should not be forgotten that it is earned by a joint effort. If you, the husband, think you are doing this by yourself, then just stop and figure out what it would cost you to hire a purchasing agent, a cook, a dishwasher, a housekeeper, a decorator, a nursemaid, and so forth. Normally, your wife saves this expense by doing the work, which is, of course, her share as the marital partner. And if she keeps a lot of the records of home expenses you can add “accountant“ to the preceding list. Very true is Proverbs 18:22: “Has one found a good wife? One has found a good thing.”

13. When it comes to material things, what outlook should married couples avoid, and how can this benefit them?

¹³ In providing materially, there is the ever-present danger—for you and for your wife—of slipping into a materialistic outlook and approach to life. Few things can ‘eat away’ at the foundation of family happiness as much as this does. “We have brought nothing into the world, and neither can we carry anything out,” says the Bible writer Paul. “So, having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things. However, those who are determined to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and many senseless and hurtful desires, which plunge men into destruction and ruin. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of injurious things, and by reaching out for this love some have been led astray from the faith and have stabbed themselves all over with many pains.” No matter what possessions a materialistic way of life may bring, it can never compensate for the pain of seeing family relations weaken and break down. The material gain is far outweighed by the spiritual and emotional loss.—1 Timothy 6:7-10.

14. What determines whether material things are too important in a person’s life?

¹⁴ Materialism is love of material things, not merely having material possessions. A person can be poor and materialistic, or rich and spiritually minded. It depends on where his heart is. Jesus said: “Stop storing up for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust consume, and where thieves break in and steal. Rather, store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”—Matthew 6:19-21.

15, 16. Besides caring well for material needs, what else should a husband do in order to maintain a happy family?

¹⁵ A husband who is a good provider of material needs will reflect on such Scriptural admonition, and besides providing the things needful in a material way will devote time to making spiritual provisions for his family. What’s the good of spending so much time at secular work to obtain the material things of life that you do not have sufficient time and energy left to build up your household in a spiritual way? In order to have the wisdom to cope successfully with the problems of life, time must be spent to build into the family a strong devotion to right principles. Making place in your life for reading and talking together about God’s Word can do that, as will united prayer. As family head, it is up to you, the husband, to take the lead in this. The cost in time and effort will be far outweighed by the benefits. God’s promise will not fail: “In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight.“—Proverbs 3:6.

¹⁶ A husband who looks to the Creator to direct his steps appreciates the balance in the counsel found at Ecclesiastes 7:12: “Wisdom is for a protection the same as money is for a protection; but the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom itself preserves alive its owners.” So, as a good provider, he works hard to supply the physical needs of his household. Nevertheless, he rests his hope, “not on uncertain riches, but on God.” He sets an example in putting the primary emphasis on spiritual interests, in order that both he and his wife may “get a firm hold on the real life.” (1 Timothy 6:17-19) The efforts of a husband to make such provisions, both physically and spiritually, will win the respect of a God-fearing wife.

BY SHOWING HER HONOR

17-19. How might the Bible’s counsel to assign “honor” to a wife be applied in connection with sexual relations?

¹⁷ The apostle Peter talks to husbands about their wives and tells them to be “assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.” (1 Peter 3:7) In this same verse Peter points out that you, the husband who dwells with your wife, should be assigning her this honor “according to knowledge.”

¹⁸ This certainly applies in sexual relations. Much frigidity in wives is due to husbands who are ignorant of a woman’s physical and emotional makeup. “Let the husband render to his wife her due,” but let it be done ‘according to knowledge, assigning her honor as to a weaker vessel,’ counsels God’s Word. (1 Corinthians 7:3) If you truly ‘assign her honor,’ you will not be harsh and demanding, insisting on satisfying your own passions even when she may be very tired or during difficult times of the month. (Compare Leviticus 20:18.) And when you do have relations, you will not be so intent on your own pleasure that you ignore her needs. In this area of life a woman usually responds slower than a man. She has a special need for tenderness and affection. In telling the husband to “render to his wife her due,” the Bible puts the emphasis on giving, not getting.

¹⁹ That kind of giving, of course, is to be reserved for one’s own marriage mate. True, many men today have “affairs” with other women. But in the end what do they gain? They simply undermine the happiness of their own home. They fail to ‘assign honor’ to their wives, and so they provide no basis for their wives to respect them. More than that, they dishonor marriage itself, an arrangement that originated with God. In view of all the heartache this brings, it is understandable why Hebrews 13:4 urges: “Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers.”

20. As indicated at Ephesians 5:28, in what other ways should a wife be shown honor?

²⁰ Showing honor to one’s wife does not end with sexual relations. In other matters, too, the husband who is truly respected shows that he has high regard for his wife. It is not that he puts her on a pedestal and becomes her slave. Rather, it is as we read earlier from Ephesians 5:28: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” A man who does this surely is not going to treat his wife as if she were an inferior person. At mealtimes he certainly wouldn’t feel that his body merited all the choice portions, with hers getting only the leftovers—not if he loves her ‘as his own body.’ Rather than being self-centered about his own appearance, he will be as much or more concerned about his wife’s, doing what he can to help her feel content about her clothes. A man does not hit himself when he fails to do as well as he might like. Nor will a Christian husband do that to his wife just because she sometimes falls short of his expectations. Very much to the contrary, if anyone should treat her harshly he would loyally come to her aid. He loves her as he does his own body.

21, 22. How can a husband help his wife to find enjoyment in fulfilling her role?

²¹ While appreciating the areas in which your needs are alike, you also need to understand the psychological differences between the two of you if you are going to ‘assign honor’ to your wife. Basically, women like to work under a ceiling of authority, provided that it is exercised properly. This is the way Jehovah God created them. Woman was made to be ‘a helper for the man, as a complement of him.’ (Genesis 2:18) But if the supervision is too close, if there is no room to take initiative and use her own abilities, a woman can begin to feel that the enjoyment is being squeezed out of her life, and resentment may develop.

²² Another vital factor that needs attention is the woman’s natural desire to feel needed. A helpful husband is appreciated by most wives, but one who simply pushes his wife aside and takes over may find that he has done more harm than good. You do much to win your wife’s loyalty if you are kind and appreciative and let her know that she is needed, that you hold her in honor, that you are working as a team, that it is “we” and “our,” not “I” and “you” or “mine” and “yours.” Do you really let your wife know how much you appreciate and need her? You don’t do it by paying her a salary; you must show it in other ways.

APPRECIATE HER FEMININE QUALITIES

23. Generally speaking, how do men and women differ as to emotions?

²³ A woman psychologist wrote: “Basically, women feel while men think.” By itself, one trait is not better than the other; they simply are different. We do not care for people who are unfeeling; neither do we like thoughtless persons. Obviously, women have the capacity both to feel and to think, and the same is true of men. But, generally speaking, a woman’s emotions more readily come to the fore, while a man is usually more inclined to try to subdue emotion in favor of what he considers a logical approach to matters. Though exceptions, of course, are found, this is another difference that makes husband and wife complements of each other. Along with her basically more emotional makeup, her strong interest in people often causes her to talk more than the man. And she needs someone to return the talk. This is where many husbands fall short.

24. Why is it important for a husband to listen to his wife and to talk with her?

²⁴ Do you talk to your wife? Not just about your work, but hers as well? Are you interested in it, and do you show her that you are? How was her day? What happened with the children? Don’t come home and ask, ‘What’s for dinner?’ and, after eating it, hide your head behind a newspaper and grunt in response to her endeavors to talk. Be interested in your wife, her thoughts, her activities, her feelings about things. Encourage her in her projects, commend her in her accomplishments. If she is complimented on what she does, she may start doing other tasks she may have neglected. Criticism can be a subtle poison and a depressant, but genuine praise given where deserved is a curative and a stimulant that makes the spirit soar!—Proverbs 12:18; 16:24.

25, 26. (a) What message does a gift convey to a wife? (b) What kind of giving is most important to her?

²⁵ Do you bring her an occasional gift? Not necessarily an expensive one—perhaps just a small item that says, ‘I was thinking of you.’ And do you do this, not necessarily for a specific occasion, but just spontaneously, for no other reason than that you wanted to? Pleasant surprises are always a delight. Are you not pleased when she surprises you by preparing some special dish that you like? Return surprise for surprise, and please her. Small remembrances, prompted by love, mean more than expensive gifts routinely—perhaps even begrudgingly—offered out of a sense of duty. “God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Corinthians 9:7) So do wives. Even if meals aren’t special, remember, “Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love than a manger-fed bull and hatred along with it.”—Proverbs 15:17.

²⁶ The most important giving is the giving of yourself—your time, your energies, your attention and your thoughts, especially those closest to your heart. Many men find this difficult. To make expressions of endearment may seem to them like foolish sentimentality and somehow unmanly. But if you love your wife, you will keep in mind how much a look, a touch, a word can hold for a woman. But the absence of these can do much to make her feel cross, weary, unhappy. So, follow the example recorded in the Bible’s Song of Solomon. Expressing regard and affection for others is good for the one making the expressions. People are irresistibly drawn to warm people. And what is a warm person? A person who reveals his feelings and enthusiasm to those he cares about. Such warmth is contagious; it will be returned to the giver.—Song of Solomon 1:2, 15; Luke 6:38.

27, 28. (a) What might a husband ask himself, to determine whether he is exercising headship in a proper way? (b) Why is it good to be concerned about this matter?

²⁷ Husband, ask yourself: Is my headship easy for my wife to respect? Do I love her as I do myself? Or am I interested primarily in just my own satisfaction and wants? How much do I consider her needs? Before I make family decisions, do I listen to her views and consider her desires? Are my decisions made with her welfare in view? Do I assign her honor as a more fragile vessel, the feminine one? Do I communicate with her, and open up my heart to her?

²⁸ You will not be able to measure up perfectly. But if you put forth a consistent and humble effort, you can be confident that this will go a long way toward making you become a husband who gains your wife’s deep respect and God’s approval.

[Picture on page 49]

Little things mean a lot

Chapter 5

A Wife Who Is Dearly Loved

1-4. What complaint do women at times make about husbands’ assuring them of their love?

ONE woman complained to another, ‘I know my husband loves me, but he never says it. Oh, occasionally, if I drag it out of him, but it would mean so much more if he would say it without my prompting.’

² The other woman replied, ‘I know. That’s the way men are. One time I asked my husband if he loved me, and he said, “I married you, didn’t I? I support you, I live with you; I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love you.”’

³ She paused a moment, then continued: ‘However, something very touching happened the other evening. During the day I was cleaning in his study, and in one of his desk drawers I saw a snapshot. It was one I had shown him from an old family album of mine. It was of me in a bathing suit when I was seven years old. He had pulled it out of the album and put it in his desk drawer.’

⁴ She smiled as she recalled this, then looked at her friend. ‘I confronted him with it that evening when he got home from work. He took the snapshot in his hand and smiled, and said, “I cherish this little girl.” Then he laid it down and took my face in both his hands and said, “I cherish what she became, too.” And he kissed me very tenderly. It brought tears to my eyes.’

5. To be dearly loved by her husband, how should a wife conduct herself?

⁵ A wife who knows that she is very dear to her husband feels warm and safe inside. God’s Word counsels men to have such love for their wives. “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, . . . the two will become one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29, 31) As we have already discussed, the wife is to have deep respect for her husband, but the husband ought to conduct himself in such a way as to earn that respect. The same holds true in this case where your husband is counseled to love and cherish you: Conduct yourself in ways that impel him to do so from the heart.

DO YOU GIVE SUPPORT?

6, 7. (a) At Genesis 2:18, for what role did Jehovah say that he made woman? (b) In order for a wife to be a real helper to her husband, what is required of her?

⁶ For a wife to be dearly loved, more is required than mere submission under her husband’s headship. He could have a horse or a dog that is well trained and submissive to him. Adam had animals with him in the garden of Eden, and they were in subjection to him. But he was still alone as to his kind. He needed an intelligent human companion that would be a complement of him and a helper to work with him: “It is not good for the man to continue by himself,” Jehovah God said. “I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.”—Genesis 2:18.

⁷ What a husband needs is a wife who not only loves and respects him but also is a real helper, supporting him in the decisions that he makes. This is not difficult when decisions are mutually agreed upon after discussion together. But it may not be so easy if you were not consulted or if you do not happen to agree. In such a case could you loyally support your husband—do your best to make his decision work, provided it is not some illegal or unscriptural activity? Or would you be inclined to hold back stubbornly, hoping to see him fail so you could say, ‘I told you so’? If he sees you working hard for the success of the project, in spite of your misgivings, don’t you think such loyal support on your part will cause him to love you all the more?

8. How can a wife encourage her husband to exercise proper headship?

⁸ Above all, don’t try to usurp his headship! If you succeed, you won’t like him; and he won’t like you or himself. Maybe he does not take the lead as he should. Can you encourage him to do so? Do you express appreciation for any effort he makes at taking the lead? Do you cooperate with and encourage him when he does show some initiative, or do you tell him that he is wrong, that his plan won’t work? Sometimes a wife must share the blame if her husband doesn’t take the lead—for example, if she belittles his ideas or opposes his efforts, or gives the I-told-you-it-wouldn’t-work response when the project falls short of perfection. This can eventually produce an uncertain, indecisive husband. On the other hand, your loyalty and support, your trust and confidence in him, will strengthen him and contribute to his success.

“A CAPABLE WIFE”

9. What does Proverbs 31:10 say about a capable wife?

⁹ To be a wife who is dearly loved, you also need to care well for your responsibilities in the home. Of such a woman the Bible says: “Her value is far more than that of corals.” (Proverbs 31:10) Are you such a wife? Do you want to be?

10, 11. How might a wife show that she fits the description of Proverbs 31:15?

¹⁰ When discussing the activities of a “capable wife,” the book of Proverbs reports: “She also gets up while it is still night, and gives food to her household.” (Proverbs 31:15) Many young women start off married life with a handicap because their mothers did not teach them how to cook; but they can learn. And a wise woman will learn how to do it well! Cooking is an art. When a meal is prepared well, it not only fills the stomach but also brings response from the heart.

¹¹ There is much that can be learned about preparing food. It is beneficial to become informed on the basics of nutrition so that you can safeguard the health of your family. But simply setting nutritious food before your husband is not necessarily going to win his praise. The Bible tells us that Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, knew how to prepare food in a “tasty” manner, in such a way that her husband was fond of it. (Genesis 27:14) Many wives could benefit from her example.

12. What could be included in a woman’s acting in harmony with Proverbs 31:14?

¹² In some parts of the world women go to the market every morning to get the things that they need for the day. Elsewhere, they shop perhaps once a week and keep the perishables refrigerated. Whatever the case, a man cannot help but appreciate a wife who uses household funds carefully, and who respects the family budget. If she learns how to identify food and clothing that are of good quality, and knows their value, she will not always buy the first thing she sees. Rather, as Proverbs 31:14 says: “She has proved to be like the ships of a merchant. From far away she brings in her food.”

13. According to Proverbs 31:27, what can be expected from a capable wife in connection with care of the home?

¹³ That conscientious concern about her work also needs to be reflected in the condition of her home. In commenting further on what identifies a wife as being capable, Proverbs 31:27 says: “She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat.” Making it a habit to sleep late, spending excessive amounts of time in idle chatter with the neighbors—these are not for her. Although illness or unforeseen circumstances may at times cause her to fall behind in her housework, her home will generally be neat and clean. Her husband can be confident that, if friends come to visit, he will not be embarrassed by the appearance of their home.

14, 15. What is the Bible’s counsel to women respecting attire and adornment?

¹⁴ Most women do not need to be told that it is also important to give attention to their personal appearance, but some do need a reminder. It is not easy to feel affection for someone whose appearance shows that she doesn’t think much of herself. The Bible recommends that women “adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind.” But it also counsels against putting too much emphasis on hairstyling, jewelry and expensive garments that draw undue attention to the wearer.—1 Timothy 2:9.

¹⁵ Of far greater value than such attire is the disposition of the one who wears it. The apostle Peter tells Christian wives that a “quiet and mild spirit . . . is of great value in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 3:3, 4) And Proverbs, when enumerating the traits of a capable wife, adds that “her hands she has thrust out to the poor one” and that “the law of loving-kindness is upon her tongue.” She is neither selfish nor “catty” but is generous and kind. (Proverbs 31:20, 26) “Charm may be false,” the description continues, “and prettiness may be vain; but the woman that fears Jehovah is the one that procures praise for herself.”—Proverbs 31:30.

16. How will an appreciative husband feel about such a wife?

¹⁶ Yes, such a woman will be dearly loved by any husband who shares the viewpoint of the Creator. He will feel about his wife as expressed by the writer of Proverbs: “There are many daughters that have shown capableness, but you—you have ascended above them all.” (Proverbs 31:28, 29) And without a lot of prompting, he will be moved to let his wife know that he feels that way.

YOUR VIEW OF SEX MAKES A DIFFERENCE

17, 18. How can the wife’s view of sex affect how her husband feels about her?

¹⁷ Unsatisfactory sexual relations are at the root of many marriage problems. In some cases this is due to the husband’s lack of consideration and understanding of his wife’s physical and emotional needs, and in other cases it is the wife’s failure to share physically or emotionally in the experience with her husband. The sex act, willingly and warmly participated in by both husband and wife, should be an intimate expression of the love that they feel for each other.

¹⁸ Frigidity in a wife may be due to a lack of consideration by her husband, but a wife’s indifference also hurts the husband, and a show of distaste may kill his potency or even cause him to feel attracted to someone else. If the wife merely submits, with a couldn’t-care-less attitude, the husband may interpret this as evidence that his wife doesn’t care for him. Emotions rule sexual responsiveness, and if the wife is unresponsive she may need to review her own attitude toward sex.

19. (a) How does the Bible show that it would be wrong to deny sex relations to one’s mate for extended periods of time? (b) Why should it not be necessary to ask persons outside the marriage union to rule on the propriety of a couple’s conduct in matters of sex?

¹⁹ The Bible counsels both husband and wife not to “be depriving each other of it.” God’s Word makes no allowance for using sex as a means of punishing one’s mate or expressing resentment, as in a wife’s denying it to her husband for weeks or even months. Just as he is to “render to his wife her due,” she is also to “do likewise to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) This does not mean that a wife should be expected to submit to some abnormal act that she finds morally repugnant, and a husband who loves and respects his wife would not require her to do so. “Love . . . does not behave indecently.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) It should not be necessary to ask someone outside the marriage union to rule on the propriety or impropriety of the couple’s conduct. The Bible, at 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, clearly enumerates practices forbidden to worshipers of Jehovah God: fornication, adultery, homosexuality. (Compare also Leviticus 18:1-23.) Some modern liberals practicing a “new morality”—actually immorality—clamor for acceptance of some of these forbidden sexual acts, while others who are very conservative would add to these prohibitions. The Bible gives the balanced view. Generally speaking, if all the other relationships in the marriage are good, if there are love, respect, good communication and understanding, then sex will seldom be a problem.

20. If a wife uses sex for bargaining purposes, what is the result?

²⁰ A wife who is dearly loved does not use sex for bargaining purposes. Certainly not all wives bargain with sex, but some do. In ways that may be subtle they use sex to gain concessions from their husbands. What is the result? Well, you don’t feel tender affection for the person who sells you a dress, do you? Neither does a husband feel tender affection for a wife who trades sex for concessions from him. The woman who does it may gain materially, but she loses emotionally and spiritually.

THE WEEPERS, THE NAGGERS

21-23. As illustrated in the case of Samson, how can a woman’s weeping and nagging destroy happiness?

²¹ Samson was a strong man, but he could not bear up under the pressure of women who used weeping or nagging to get their way. On one occasion he was confronted with a siege of weeping from the woman who was to become his wife. As recorded at Judges 14:16, 17, she “began to weep over him and to say: ‘You only hate me, you do, and you do not love me. There was a riddle that you propounded to the sons of my people, but to me you have not told it.’ At this he said to her: ‘Why, to my own father and my own mother I have not told it, and ought I to tell it to you?’” Samson’s appeal to logic did not work. It seldom does when emotions are running high. “She kept weeping over him the seven days that the banquet continued for them, and it came about on the seventh day that finally he told her, because she had pressured him. Then she told the riddle to the sons of her people.”

²² Do not think your husband does not love you just because he does not always give you your own way. Samson’s wife-to-be accused him of not loving her, but in actuality she was the one who did not love him. She brought pressure to bear on him until he could stand it no longer. When he did tell her his riddle, she immediately betrayed his confidence, racing off to tell his secret to his enemies. In the end, she became the wife of another man.

²³ Later, Samson became attracted to another woman, Delilah by name. She may have been physically attractive, but did she prove to be a woman that he could dearly love? In order to wheedle from Samson information that she could use for selfish advantage, Delilah used nagging as her tool. The account says: “It came about that because she pressured him with her words all the time and kept urging him, his soul got to be impatient to the point of dying.” The final results were tragic.—Judges 16:16.

24-27. (a) What does the book of Proverbs say about the effect of a wife’s nagging? (b) Why does it single out women for this counsel? (c) What is most likely to move a husband to want to do nice things for his wife?

²⁴ Weeping and nagging are not wise. They are damaging to a marriage. They alienate a husband. The Bible warns against such practices, as in the following scriptures quoted from The New English Bible: “He who harps on something breaks up friendship.” “A nagging wife is like water dripping endlessly.” “Better to live alone in the desert than with a nagging and ill-tempered wife.” “Endless dripping on a rainy day—that is what a nagging wife is like. As well try to control the wind as to control her! As well try to pick up oil in one’s fingers!”—Proverbs 17:9; 19:13; 21:19; 27:15, 16.

²⁵ Why do the Scriptures single out the wife for this counsel? Probably because women are generally more emotional and more inclined to give vent to their feelings, especially when they are disturbed about something. Also, they may feel it is the only weapon they have. As head of the house a husband may arbitrarily have his way, so the wife may feel that she must resort to putting on emotional pressure. You, the wife, should not indulge in such tactics, and your husband should not make you feel forced to do so.

²⁶ True, there may be times when you don’t feel well, and perhaps you find yourself giving way to tears, even when you wish you wouldn’t. But that is quite different from employing highly charged emotional scenes simply to get your own way.

²⁷ If they truly love their wives, most husbands will favor their wives more than they do themselves, where personal preferences are involved. Please your husband, and he will likely seek opportunities to please you.

“A TIME TO KEEP QUIET AND A TIME TO SPEAK”

28-35. (a) Describe conversation habits that might make it difficult for a husband to converse with his wife. (b) What can be done to improve conversation between husband and wife?

²⁸ Many wives complain, ‘My husband never talks to me.’ The fault may be his. However, many times a husband would like to talk with his wife, but she doesn’t make it easy for him. In what way? Not all women are alike. But ask yourself whether you fit one of these descriptions:

²⁹ The first is a woman who has no trouble at all in talking with other women in the neighborhood. But what is her style? When the other woman stops for a breath, she breaks in. She may throw in a couple of questions, or she may take off on an entirely different subject. Soon the one interrupted cuts in and again carries the conversational ball for a while. Neither one seems to mind this conversational free-for-all.

³⁰ Now her husband comes home, and he has some news to tell. As he enters the door, he starts out, ‘You’ll never guess what happened at work . . .’ He never gets any farther. She interrupts him with, ‘How did you get that spot on your coat? Be careful where you walk. I just cleaned the floor.’ He may hesitate to take up his story again.

³¹ Or, perhaps they are conversing with friends and he is relating an experience, but he leaves out some of the details or doesn’t get them all exactly right. His wife cuts in, first to correct the flaws, then to round out the story. Before long he takes a deep breath and says, ‘Why don’t you tell it?’

³² Another woman is the kind who encourages her husband to talk. Trying to appear casual, but bursting with curiosity, she asks: ‘Where were you?’ ‘Who was there?’ ‘What happened?’ Not the routine things of life, but those that seem to be more confidential, are the ones that intrigue her. She pieces together the bits of information that she can glean and fills in the gaps with a bit of imagination. Perhaps some of it is information her husband should not have divulged. Other things may have been appropriate for discussion with his wife, but they were told in confidence. If she now talks about this to others, the confidence has been broken. “Do not reveal the confidential talk of another,” Proverbs 25:9 warns. But if she did, it may cause problems. How free will he feel about talking to her in the future?

³³ Yet a third kind of woman is not much of a talker herself. She knows how to do the necessary work around the house, but she seldom has more than a few words to say. Anyone who tries to converse with her has to do all the talking. Perhaps she is timid, or it may be that she had little opportunity for education when she was a child. Regardless of the cause, efforts at conversation with her fall flat.

³⁴ But changes can be made. The art of conversation can be learned. If a woman does, not only her housework, but also worthwhile reading and kind deeds for other people, she will have upbuilding things to share with her mate. And successful conversation requires sharing. It also requires respect—enough respect to let him finish what he is saying, to let him say it in his own way, and to know when there is a confidence to be kept. As Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there is “a time to keep quiet and a time to speak.”

³⁵ Therefore, instead of complaining that your husband seldom talks to you, why not try to make it a pleasure for him to do so? Be interested in the things that he does. Listen intently when he speaks. Let your response reflect the warm love and deep respect that you have for him. Be sure that the things you talk most about are of a positive, upbuilding nature. You may soon find that conversation is a pleasure to both of you.

“WON WITHOUT A WORD”

36-38. What are some ways to reach the heart of a mate who is not a fellow believer?

³⁶ At times, actions speak louder than words, and especially so with husbands who are not fellow believers of God’s Word. Of them the apostle Peter said: “They may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect.” (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Many a nonbelieving husband has complained that his wife is always “preaching” to him, and he resents it. In contrast, others have become believers by seeing the change that the truth of God’s Word has made in their wives. People are often more impressed by seeing a sermon than by hearing one.

³⁷ When you speak to your unbelieving mate, “let your utterance be always with graciousness,” in good taste, or “seasoned with salt,” as the scripture puts it. There is a time to speak. “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it,” the Bible says. Is he discouraged about something? Maybe things went wrong at work. A few understanding words might be treasured by him right now. “Pleasant sayings are . . . sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones.” (Colossians 4:6; Proverbs 25:11; 16:24) Or, depending on the situation, just to slip your hand into his may say it all: I understand, I’m on your side, I’ll help if I can.

³⁸ Even though he is not one with you in your faith, God’s Word shows that you are still to be in subjection to him. Your good conduct may in time win him over, so that he shares your faith. What a happy day that would be! And if that time comes, he will realize that he has more reasons to love you than he ever knew. Because your devotion, coupled with firmness for what you knew to be right, will have helped him to lay hold of “the real life.”—1 Corinthians 7:13-16; 1 Timothy 6:19.

39, 40. What qualities, listed at Titus 2:4, 5, make a wife precious, not only to her husband, but also to Jehovah?

³⁹ The Scriptures encourage Christian wives, whether their husbands are believers or nonbelievers, “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home, good, subjecting themselves to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be spoken of abusively.”—Titus 2:4, 5.

⁴⁰ If you, the wife, do this to the best of your ability, you will be dearly loved, not only by your husband, but also by Jehovah God.

[Picture on page 57]

“A Capable wife . . . her value is far more than that of corals.”—Proverbs 31:10.

[Picture on page 64]

The women in Samson’s life

Chapter 6

Love, “a Perfect Bond of Union”

1-6. (a) What can happen when marriage mates are too involved with their own feelings? (b) Heeding what Scriptural principles could prevent the buildup of a serious argument?

‘WHY can’t we ever have supper on time?’ her husband snapped, tired of waiting and worn out after a hard day’s work.

² ‘Quit complaining. It’s almost ready,’ she flared back. Her day had not been easy either.

³ ‘But you’re always late. Why can’t you ever be on time?’

⁴ ‘That’s not true!’ she shouted. ‘But if you’d try to take care of the children someday, you wouldn’t complain so much. After all, they’re your children too!’

⁵ So between husband and wife this molehill grows into a mountain, leaving both of them angry and not speaking to each other. Each one reacts to the other’s responses, until both are hurt and resentful, and their evening is spoiled. Either one could have prevented this buildup. As it was, both were too involved with their own feelings and oblivious to those of their mate. Frayed nerves snapped.

⁶ Such problems can arise in many areas. They might involve money. Or the husband might feel that his wife is overly possessive, not letting him enjoy the company of other people. She might feel neglected and taken for granted. Tension could exist because of a big problem or several minor ones. Whatever the case may be, our concern right now is how the situation is to be approached. Either mate can stop the buildup toward trouble by being willing to ‘turn the other cheek,’ being willing not to “return evil for evil,” but instead ‘conquering the evil with good.’ (Matthew 5:39; Romans 12:17, 21) To be able to do this takes restraint and maturity. It takes Christian love.

WHAT LOVE REALLY MEANS

7-9. (a) How is love described at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8? (b) What kind of love is this?

⁷ Jehovah God inspired a definition of love, in terms of what it is and what it is not, at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

⁸ Love may be based on many things—physical attraction, family relationship or mutual enjoyment of another’s companionship. But the Bible shows that, to be of true value, love must go beyond affection or mutual attraction and be governed by what is for the highest good of the loved one. That kind of love can even call for reproving or disciplining, as a parent might do with a child, or as Jehovah God does with his worshipers. (Hebrews 12:6) Feelings and emotion are there, of course, but they are not allowed to overrule wise judgment or right principles in dealing with others. That kind of love moves one to treat all according to fine principles of consideration and fairness.

⁹ To appreciate more fully how it can benefit our family life, let us consider in greater detail the definition given at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

10, 11. What would we expect from a marriage mate who is long-suffering and kind?

¹⁰ “Love is long-suffering and kind.” Are you long-suffering with your mate? Even when a situation tends to provoke, and perhaps unfair accusations are made, do you exercise restraint? Jehovah is long-suffering with all of us, and ‘the kindly quality of God is trying to lead persons to repentance.’ Both long-suffering and kindness are fruits of God’s spirit.—Romans 2:4; Galatians 5:22.

¹¹ Love does not approve of wrongdoing, but it is not “picky.” It is not impatient. It takes into account extenuating circumstances. (1 Peter 4:8; Psalm 103:14; 130:3, 4) And even in serious matters it is ready to extend forgiveness. The apostle Peter doubtless thought he was being long-suffering when he asked Jesus: “How many times is my brother to sin against me and am I to forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus’ answer was: “Not, Up to seven times, but, Up to seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21, 22; Luke 17:3, 4) Love forgives repeatedly, and is kind endlessly. Are you?

12, 13. How may jealousy manifest itself, and why should efforts be made to keep it in check?

¹² “Love is not jealous.” It is difficult to live with a mate who is jealous without genuine cause. Such jealousy is suspicious, overly possessive. It is childish and restrains the other person from being natural and friendly around others. Happiness is in giving freely, not in meeting a jealous demand.

¹³ “Who can stand before jealousy?” the Bible asks. It is one of the works of the imperfect flesh. (Proverbs 27:4; Galatians 5:19, 20) Are you able to detect in yourself any signs of the kind of jealousy that results from a feeling of insecurity and is fed by imagination? It usually is not hard to see the flaws in another person, but we profit more when we examine ourselves. “Where jealousy and contentiousness are, there disorder and every vile thing are.” (James 3:16) Jealousy can wreck a marriage. Your mate will not be held safe by jealous restrictions, but by loving attention, by consideration and trust.

14, 15. (a) How does bragging show a lack of love? (b) Instead of belittling one’s mate, what should one do?

¹⁴ Love “does not brag, does not get puffed up.” It is true that many persons do it, but few people like to hear bragging. In fact, it may embarrass anyone who knows the braggart well. While some persons brag by talking about themselves in a boastful manner, others accomplish the same thing in another way. They criticize and run down others, and by comparison this tends to elevate them above their victims. So, a person may elevate himself by lowering others. Belittling one’s mate is really a way of bragging about oneself.

¹⁵ Have you ever found yourself talking in public about the shortcomings of your mate? How do you think it made your mate feel? What if you had been the one whose flaws were being exposed? How would you have felt? Loved? No, love “does not brag,” either by praising self or by belittling others. When talking about your mate, be upbuilding; it will strengthen the bond between you. And as for what is said about yourself, apply the wise counsel found at Proverbs 27:2: “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.”—Revised Standard Version.

16. What are some indecencies that a loving person would avoid?

¹⁶ Love “does not behave indecently.” There are many things that are strikingly indecent, such as adultery, drunkenness and fits of anger. (Romans 13:13) In contrast with love, all of these cause damage to the marriage bond. Rudeness, vulgar speech and actions, as well as neglecting personal cleanliness, all show a lack of human decency. How careful are you to avoid being offensive to your mate in this regard? Do you treat him or her with consideration, good manners, respect? All these things contribute to a marriage that is happy, one that endures.

17. How can quarrels be avoided by a person not looking for his own interests?

¹⁷ Love “does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked.” It is not self-centered. How much better it would have been if the couple mentioned at the beginning of this chapter had been that way. The husband would not have snapped at his wife because supper was late, and she would not have flared back. If the wife had discerned that his irritation was partly because he was tired, instead of being provoked she might have replied: ‘Supper is almost ready. You must have had a hard day at work. Let me give you a cool glass of juice to drink while I put things on the table.’ Or if the husband had been more understanding, not thinking only of himself, he might have asked whether there was anything that he could do to help.

18. How can love prevent one from becoming provoked?

¹⁸ Are you easily provoked by something your mate says or does, or do you try to discern the intent behind the word or act? Maybe it was innocent, only thoughtlessness, and no offense was intended. If you have love, ‘the sun won’t set with you in a provoked state.’ (Ephesians 4:26) What if your mate felt frustrated, and really did mean to say or do something that would hurt? Can’t you wait until tempers cool and discuss it then? Approaching the situation with the best interests of both at heart will help you to say the right thing. “The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight.” “The one covering over transgression is seeking love,” not stirring up more strife. (Proverbs 16:23; 17:9) By fighting down the impulse to continue an argument and prove yourself right, you can gain a victory in favor of love.

19. (a) What might be included in ‘rejoicing over unrighteousness’? (b) Why should this be avoided?

¹⁹ Real love “does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.” It does not think it clever to deceive one’s mate—whether as to the use of one’s time, the spending of money, or in one’s associations. It does not employ half-truths in order to appear righteous. Dishonesty destroys confidence. For there to be genuine love, both of you must rejoice to communicate the truth.

TRUE LOVE HAS STRENGTH AND ENDURANCE

20. How does love (a) ‘bear all things’? (b) ’believe all things’? (c) ‘hope all things’? (d) ‘endure all things’?

²⁰ “It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” It bears up under the stresses and strains put upon it in marriage, while the two in this close relationship learn to be flexible and adjust to each other. It believes all the counsel set out in God’s Word and earnestly applies it, even when circumstances seem to be unfavorable. And, while not being gullible in dealing with persons who resort to dishonesty, it is not unduly suspicious. Rather, it displays trust. Moreover, it hopes for the best. Such hope is based on the confident assurance that applying Bible counsel will yield the best results possible. Thus, love can be positive, optimistic and forward looking. Also, it is not fickle, nor is it a passing infatuation. Real love endures, facing up to problems when the going is hard. It has staying power. It is strong; but with all its strength, it is kind, gentle, yielding, easy to live with.

21, 22. What are some circumstances illustrating that love never fails?

²¹ Such “love never fails.” If hard times press the couple into financial straits, what happens? Instead of thinking about finding an easier life somewhere else, the wife who has such love loyally sticks with her mate, seeking to economize and perhaps to supplement her husband’s income. (Proverbs 31:18, 24) But what if the wife becomes afflicted with an illness that is prolonged for years? The husband who has this kind of love does all he can to provide the care she needs, to help out with work at home that she is not now able to do, and to provide assurance of his continued devotion. God himself sets the example in this regard. No matter what the circumstances into which his faithful servants come, ‘nothing can separate them from God’s love.’—Romans 8:38, 39.

²² What problems could prevail over a love like that? Does your marriage have it? Do you personally practice it?

MAKING LOVE GROW

23. What determines whether we are going to do the loving thing?

²³ Love, like a muscle, is strengthened by use. On the other hand, love, like faith, is dead without works. Words and acts, motivated by feelings deep within us, are said to come from the heart, representing our inner motivation. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man out of his good treasure sends out good things.” But if the feelings within us are wicked, “out of the heart come wicked reasonings, murders, adulteries, fornications, thieveries, false testimonies, blasphemies.”—Matthew 12:34, 35; 15:19; James 2:14-17.

24, 25. How can you strengthen your motivation to show love?

²⁴ What thoughts and feelings do you cultivate in your heart? If you daily meditate on the ways in which God has shown love, and seek to imitate his example, fine motivations will be strengthened. The more you exercise this love, the more you act and speak in harmony with it, the more deeply inscribed it will become on your heart. Daily practice of it in little things will make such love habitual. Then, when occasional big issues arise, this love will be there, strongly entrenched, to help you to cope with them.—Luke 16:10.

²⁵ Do you notice something commendable in your mate? Give voice to it! Do you have an impulse to do a kindness? Obey that impulse! We must show love in order to reap it. Practicing these things will bring you and your mate closer, make the two of you one, make the love between you grow.

26, 27. How does sharing things increase one’s love?

²⁶ To increase love, share it. The first man, Adam, lived in a paradise. All his physical needs were bountifully supplied. From the start he was surrounded by beauty. Not only were there meadows and flowers, woodlands and streams, but also there was an abundant variety of animal life subject to his domination as earth’s caretaker. Yet with all of this, one need was not met: someone human with whom to share this paradise of beauty. Have you ever been alone as you gazed in amazement at a spectacular sunset, and wished that a loved one were there to share it with you? Or have you had exciting good news, but no one to tell it to? Jehovah God discerned Adam’s need, and provided him a mate with whom to share his thoughts and feelings. Sharing brings two persons together, and helps love to take root and grow.

²⁷ Marriage is sharing. Perhaps there is an affectionate glance across the room, a touch, a soft word, even sitting peacefully together without speaking. Every act can manifest love: making a bed, washing the dishes, saving to buy something that she wants but won’t ask for because of the budget, helping with the other’s work when he or she is behind. Love means sharing the work and the play, the troubles and the joys, the accomplishments and the failures, the thoughts of the mind and the feelings of the heart. Share common goals, and reach them together. This is what makes two people one; this is what makes love grow.

28. How does serving promote love?

²⁸ Serving your mate can help your love for him to mature. A wife commonly serves by cooking meals, making beds, cleaning house, washing clothes, caring for household business. The husband usually serves by providing the food she cooks, the beds she makes, the house she cleans, the clothes she washes. It is this serving, this giving, that brings happiness and nourishes love. As Jesus said, there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving. Or, there is more happiness in serving than in being served. (Acts 20:35) He told his disciples that “the greatest among you must be your servant.” (Matthew 23:11, New English Bible) That view will eliminate any spirit of competitiveness and contribute to happiness. When we serve we feel needed, we are filling a purpose, and this gives us self-respect and makes us content. Marriage gives both husband and wife ample opportunity to serve and to find such contentment, thus cementing their marriage more strongly in love.

29. Why will love appeal even to those who are not servants of God?

²⁹ What if one of the marriage mates is a Christian servant of God who practices these Biblical principles, but the other is not? Does this change the way a Christian should act? Not basically. There may not be as much talk about God’s purposes on the part of the Christian, but the conduct is the same. The unbelieving mate has the same basic needs as a worshiper of Jehovah, and in some respects reacts in the same way. This is stated at Romans 2:14, 15: “Whenever people of the nations that do not have law do by nature the things of the law, these people, although not having law, are a law to themselves. They are the very ones who demonstrate the matter of the law to be written in their hearts, while their conscience is bearing witness with them and, between their own thoughts, they are being accused or even excused.” Exemplary Christian conduct will usually be appreciated and will make love grow.

30. Is love to be displayed only under dramatic circumstances? Why do you so answer?

³⁰ Love does not wait for dramatic circumstances to reveal itself. In some respects, love is like clothing. What holds your clothing together? A few big knots tied with rope? Or thousands of little stitches of thread? The thousands of little stitches, and that is true whether we speak of literal clothing or spiritual “garments.” It is the continuing accumulation of small words and acts manifested daily that “clothe” us and reveal what we are. Such spiritual “clothing” will not wear out and become valueless as does physical clothing. It is, as the Bible says, “incorruptible apparel.”—1 Peter 3:4.

31. What fine counsel on love is provided at Colossians 3:9, 10, 12, 14?

³¹ Do you want your marriage to be held together by “a perfect bond of union”? Then do as recommended at Colossians 3:9, 10, 12, 14: “Strip off the old personality with its practices, and clothe yourselves with the new personality . . . clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering . . . clothe yourselves with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”