The Marriage Counselor

John and Jane still love each other, so how will they try to save their marriage? They plan to go to a stranger, a professional marriage counselor. But what are they getting involved in?

The professional marriage counselor is a modern phenomenon. He​—or she—​appeared on the scene in very recent decades​—but at what a pace! “Counseling by child psychiatrists or family counselors has become a major growth industry,” according to the magazine U.S.News & World Report. A growing army of professional counselors​—psychiatrists, psychologists, clergymen (pastoral counselors), doctors, lawyers, teachers, marriage and family therapists, social workers and persons with degrees in behavioral science—​have replaced the felicitous but nonprofessional counselors and advisers of bygone days.

After World War II, marriage counseling began to gain popularity in the United States. Now leading educational institutions have proliferated with masters and doctoral degrees in a field that has become a health profession on its own.

What Is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling is, according to the Michigan, U.S.A., board that certifies marriage counselors, “guidance, testing, discussions, therapy, instruction, or the giving of advice, the principal purpose of which is to avoid, eliminate, relieve, manage or resolve marital conflicts or discord, or create, improve, or restore marital harmony.”

That sounds exactly like what John and Jane need. However, this is but one of hundreds of definitions of marriage counseling. The science of behavior (of the body, the mind, the nervous system) is one thing. Efforts to apply that science has spawned myriads of theories and practices. Psychologist Allen S. Bernsten of Floridaa describes four schools of psychotherapy that, in turn, break up into 130 subschools:

Analytical: The therapist tries to explore unconscious motivations or why you behave the way you do. He explores earlier childhood memories, which may open insights into your actions now.

Behavioral: In this approach he is less concerned about your inner motivations. Rather, he tries to change your undesirable habits or behavior by training and conditioning.

Humanistic: In this approach the therapist places greater emphasis on self-awareness, self-growth, self-responsibility, to bring about changes in you and your actions.

Transpersonal: He tries to help you rise above it all and merge with some “universal will.” This one can get really mystical.

One survey concluded that 64 percent of marriage counselors make up their own style out of a profusion of theories and methods. Yet many counselors seem to have a similar aim. Dr. Usha Anand, a marriage counselor in India, wrote that “the aim of marital counseling . . . is to strengthen the family unit and family unity.” Professor of child and family relations at the University of Connecticut, Dr. Eleanor Luckey, describes marriage counseling as “counseling two individuals plus a relationship.”

And counselors do share a common goal: communication. They try to develop and build more effective methods of communication between the couple.

Are They Qualified?

Some states and countries license marriage counselors as a separate profession. However, according to Australian psychiatrist Dr. William Carrington, due to a shortage of trained counselors, there are many subprofessionals doing marriage counseling in Great Britain, Australia and New Zealand. In some countries in Africa, Asia and South America marriage counseling is being performed by seemingly untrained priests, ministers, physicians, educators and community leaders.

“Marriage counseling,” concludes psychologist and counselor Dr. William Nichols, “is an emergent profession, a quasi-profession, and an amateur activity, a field that is populated by highly skilled, clinically sophisticated practitioners at one extreme and by well meaning but incompetent amateurs at the other.”

So John and Jane have to do a lot of investigating if they go ahead with their plan to consult a marriage counselor. But, as a young married couple, there is one item of information they are doubtless intensely interested in:

How Much Does It Cost?

In the United States fees vary from free counseling at some community mental health centers to hourly rates for nonprofit clinics based on a sliding scale up to $45 or so. Private practitioners, from social workers to psychiatrists, charge from $35 to $150​—whatever the market will bear.

Is marriage counseling effective? “Many counselors say two-thirds of their clients are helped,” according to Consumer Life Magazine. Psychologist Morris B. Parloff of the National Institute of Mental Health says, “All forms of psychotherapy tend to be reasonably useful for patients who are highly motivated, experience acute discomfort, show a high degree of personality organization, are reasonably well educated, have had some history of social success and recognition, are reflective, and can experience and express emotion.”

However, many pros and cons are thrown about. Internationally known marriage counselor Jay Haley concludes that therapists are sure neither of their techniques nor of their results. That is why, he says, they are reluctant to publish their findings.

[Footnotes]

Will the Counselor Respect Your Conscience?

WE HOPE that John and Jane will not be shocked when they sit down with their counselor. He may tell them that by all means their marriage is worth saving. That is doubtless what they hope to hear. On the other hand, he may tell them: “A good divorce is better than a bad marriage.” “We don’t call it marriage counseling anymore,” says Earl Beatt, executive director of the Family and Children’s Service in Minneapolis. “We call it ‘relationship counseling.’”

The circumspect counselor tries to show you where you really stand in the road. He may indicate what it could be like if you take the left fork or if you take the right fork. If he tries to nudge you either way, you have to consider what his perspective is, what his values are, whether they are good or bad.

For instance, what if you have strong convictions about Bible principles? Dr. Lawrence Onoda, a clinical psychologist, says:

“For the most part, most marriage counselors advocate a neutral position regarding religion in general. While not supporting it, their official position is to be accepting and nonjudgmental toward people with different views.”

He adds, however, “Marriage counselors in general proceed on the premise that there are no universal ‘truths’ such as reflected in the Bible. Most marriage counselors base their standards of marriage on theories men have devised or on their own personal beliefs.”

So what is going to happen to John and Jane? They may, like some couples, be helped by marriage counselors. Or they may, like others, be lost somewhere in that maze of marriage theorists and atheistic professionals.

But you, what if you were in need of marriage counseling? Where would you turn? If you are a Christian, would you want a counselor who respected the wisdom of the Maker of marriage and his Wonderful Counselor?​—Genesis 2:18-24; Isaiah 9:6.

Before choosing a counselor, consider the following information. It should prove helpful.

[Box on page 6, 7]

Which counselor do you choose?

While there are marriage counselors with high moral standards of their own, and some who will sincerely respect your conscientious scruples, even as do many physicians and surgeons, the standards of others vary to the extreme. This is illustrated in the following quotations. What are compared here are not facts or scientific accuracies, but the moral values you may encounter in different sources of counsel.

THE BIBLE

“Deaden, therefore, your body members . . . as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite, hurtful desire . . . for you know that it is from Jehovah you will receive the due reward of the inheritance. . . . Certainly the one that is doing wrong will receive back what he wrongly did, and there is no partiality.”​—Colossians 3:5, 24, 25.

“‘What God has yoked together let no man put apart.’ . . . Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.”​—Matthew 19:6, 9.

“Law is promulgated, not for a righteous man, but for . . . fornicators, men who lie with males.”​—1 Timothy 1:9, 10.

“Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers.”​—Hebrews 13:4.

PSYCHOLOGIST

“Some of the more guilt-ridden and faint-hearted youth are deterred by fear of pregnancy, of venereal disease and of alleged wrath of a vindictive Jehovah from engaging in premarital sexual intercourse. . . . It is only because we keep reciting rigidly to ourselves the moral ditty about the catastrophic nature of premarital coitus that we cannot even clearly see, let alone do anything constructive about, our completely unnecessary, utterly idiotic premarital sexual morality.”​—Dr. Robert Harper in “Moral Issues in Marital Counseling,” Marital Counseling, pages 332, 333.

“A sex ethic should be constructed solely for the welfare of living and future human beings and not to please . . . any assumed supernatural beings.”​—Dr. Harper.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

“Premarital sex has its values if it keeps people from getting married who otherwise would get married only for the sake of having sex. . . . As a society we have no right to deny the joys of sex to people who do not marry, or who marry late by choice or by necessity, or who have lost a mate by death or divorce.”​—Charlotte Holt Clinebell in “Counseling for Liberation,” Creative Pastoral Care and Counseling Series, page 30.

“Another increasingly viable lifestyle for many people as we broaden our perspective on what it means to be human, is that of homosexuality. . . . Ministers and counselors could be influential in changing attitudes which make a person feel less than human simply because she or he behaves differently from the majority.”​—Clinebell.

CLERGYMAN

“Any law can be set aside if it would be more loving to the most people to do so. . . . Nothing is rigid. Love is for people and not necessarily for principles.”​—Dr. Ace Tubbs in “The Moral and Ethical Problems in Pastoral Counseling,” Marital Counseling, page 445.

SOCIAL REFORMERS

“If partners in an open marriage do have outside sexual relationships, it is on the basis of their own internal relationship​—that is because they have experienced mature love, have real trust and are able to expand themselves, to love and enjoy others and to bring that love and pleasure back into their marriage without jealousy.”​—Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill, Open Marriage, page 257.

Not all professional counselors hold such anti-Bible views. The fact that some do, though, shows that persons planning on seeking professional advice need to exercise extreme care. Following the counsel of someone with such unchristian ideas will make their situation worse, not better.