How Marriage Survives the Assault
A MARRIED woman once said: “There are not many things in life to equal the happiness of a successful marriage. And there are not many things worse than an unhappy marriage.” This makes marriage sound like a gamble for high stakes. A couple can either win a lifetime’s happiness or experience much misery.
However, marriage does not have to be a gamble. In some ways it is like traveling through an area you have never visited before. If you set out with only a vague idea of how to reach your destination, you are certainly taking a risk. But you can reduce the risk considerably if you consult someone who has successfully made the journey before you. And there are many successful marriages around today. What can we learn from them?
Experienced Guides
A study was made in Canada of a number of couples who had been married for fifteen years or more. Professor Schlesinger of the University of Toronto asked what some of the things were that contributed to the success of their marriages. His research highlighted the importance of four qualities: love, respect, trust and communication.
A couple who had been happily married for seventy years was interviewed by a newspaper. What was the secret of their success? They mentioned trust, trying not to argue, showing affection to each other, and having a common goal of helping other people.
These ideas may sound old-fashioned, but they worked. If you know people who have been successfully married for a number of years, why not ask them what their secret is? Likely they will say similar things.
However, you may feel that what works for another person would not work for you. Your background, personality or problems are in some way different. On a journey through unknown territory, the ideal thing would be to have a guidebook that warns against all possible hazards so that you could plan your trip in such a way as to avoid problems that would be particularly difficult for you. Is there a guidebook like this for marriage? Yes, there is. And no one should embark on the journey of matrimony without consulting it.
The Needed Guidebook
Not too long ago a young man named Alex discovered this guidebook. Alex had a background of delinquency, heavy drinking and drug abuse. Additionally, he was a disillusioned Vietnam veteran. He had a young wife and a new baby, but his marriage was traversing rocky terrain. One morning, after he had hosted an all-night drinking party for some ex-army buddies at his home, his wife said: “You are neglecting me. You forget I am even around!”
Happily, Alex and his wife consulted the guidebook. Soon after, he reported: “We have lost most of our old friends, but we are happy . . . especially as man and wife. I can’t express the beauty—it’s a feeling beyond words. . . . Our personalities have changed and our family looks at us with admiration.”
What was the guidebook that showed Alex and his wife the way from matrimonial discord to a happy marriage? It was the Bible. This book, though ancient, gives more wise, effective counsel on happy marriages than any other source available today. Consider some of its sayings.
Words of Wisdom
Nobody is perfect. A married couple have to learn to live with each other’s weaknesses. Hence, the Bible says: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also. But, besides all these things, clothe yourselves with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”—Colossians 3:12-14.
Would not any marriage succeed if the husband and wife followed this advice? They would certainly surmount many of the problems of day-to-day living. Why, even newlyweds that were strangers to each other would be on their way to a happy marriage if they had developed these qualities.
Reports tell of husbands who are thoughtless, selfish or even cruel. Yet the Bible counsels: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation . . . Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies.” (Ephesians 5:25, 28) A husband who is concerned for his wife’s welfare and makes sacrifices for her will likely see his marriage succeed.
Some husbands complain of constant bickering and nagging. Yet the Bible says: “The wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) A wife who follows this counsel is making a big contribution to her own happiness.
Those two marriage breakers, drunkenness and immorality, are roundly condemned in the Bible. “Neither fornicators, . . . nor adulterers, . . . nor drunkards . . . will inherit God’s kingdom.” (1 Corinthians 6:9, 10) “Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers.”—Hebrews 13:4.
What about when the family interferes? The Bible shows that a young couple should respect their parents. Nevertheless, a man’s first obligation is to his wife. Jesus said: “‘A man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’ . . . Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:5, 6) A young couple should gladly accept advice from their parents. But they should not allow them to run their lives.
Guidance That Works
Some may view this advice as old-fashioned in today’s world. But how is the world’s record in the field of marriage? Very poor. However, did you read carefully what was said by those who had made a success of their marriages? They credited their happiness to qualities that—whether they knew it or not—are recommended in the Scriptures. Can you argue with success?
If we cultivate the giving attitude the Bible recommends, will we lose out somehow? No. Giving is really a basic part of marriage. All who get married sacrifice something, but, when their marriage is successful, they get back a hundredfold in happiness. Why? Because, “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.”—Acts 20:35.
‘That is fine in theory,’ you may say. ‘But surely no marriage works out like that in practice.’ The answer is that there are many, many marriages today that are happy because the couples strive to follow this Bible counsel. Even where serious problems exist—as they did in the case of Alex and his wife—the Scriptures show what to aim for. If a couple works together for that goal, happy results quickly follow.
What, though, if only one of the marriage mates tries to apply these principles? Well, the problem becomes harder, but not hopeless. It is better that 50 percent of a partnership does things right than that both do things wrong. And, with endurance, good results are still possible.
A husband in Korea used to beat his wife when he was under the influence of alcohol. His wife did not seek to end the relationship, even though life was difficult. To her, the goal of a happy marriage was worth aiming for. Hence, unilaterally, she followed the Bible’s counsel, particularly its advice to wives that they cultivate “the quiet and mild spirit, which is of great value in the eyes of God.”—1 Peter 3:4.
For eleven years she endured. Was it worth it? Yes, because eventually her husband was moved to look into the guidebook for himself. Why? If you asked him, he would answer that his wife’s “quiet and mild spirit” moved him to find out the secret of her fine conduct. He saw the wisdom of the Bible’s advice and changed his ways.
Marriage truly can be “one of the most satisfying and fulfilling ways to live a life.” Perhaps this should not surprise us, because the one who gave us life, Jehovah God, is the same One that gave us marriage. (Psalm 36:9; Genesis 2:18-24) And he is the One who provided a guidebook, the Bible, to help us to make a success of our marriage.
Today the institution of marriage is under assault because of the pressures of the world in which we live. But, since marriage is from God, it is surviving the assault. And if you follow God’s counsel recorded in the Bible, your marriage will survive, and you, too, will find it a most satisfying way to live a life.