When Someone You Love Dies . . .

Ricky and MaryAnne had been happily married for 18 years and had one child. But for about a year Ricky had been having pain in his shoulder. By the summer of 1981, it had intensified and he was slowly becoming paralyzed. Emergency surgery revealed a cancerous tumor high up on his spine. Several months later, on February 2, 1982, Ricky died at the age of 48. “It was hard to accept,” explains MaryAnne. “For a long time it was like he was still going to walk in the door.”

HAVE you, or someone you know, had a similar experience? When someone you love dies, feelings and attitudes may surface that you’ve never before experienced. Perhaps you wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. Or, like MaryAnne, you have difficulty accepting it, although some time has gone by.

Nevertheless, you can recover​—not forget, but recover. ‘But how?’ you ask. Well, before we can answer that, it’s helpful to know more about how it feels when a loved one dies. Recently Awake! interviewed a number of persons who had lost a loved one in death. Their comments appear in this series of articles. It can be reassuring to know that others have felt as you may feel. And understanding how they have dealt with their feelings may be of great help to you.

Recalls MaryAnne in explaining how she felt just after Ricky died: “I would talk about him incessantly. It was a way of keeping him alive. For the first year I was in a state of shock. There are so many things that you have to do to get your affairs in order. You get so involved with those things that you don’t have time to deal with the emotional part of it.

“I ended up in the hospital with high blood pressure. Finally, while I was in the hospital, away from the pressure of home and everything else, then I was able to face what had happened to me. It was like, ‘Where do I go from here?’”

An unusual reaction? Not really. When first learning that a loved one has died, it’s rather common to go into psychological shock. As others who have experienced it say: “You hear what’s said to you and yet you don’t hear everything. Your mind is partially focused in present reality and partially not.”

This shock may act almost like an anesthetic. How so? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “It’s a kind of protection that allows the enormity of what’s happened to sink in gradually.” Such shock may help cushion you against the full emotional impact of your loss. As Stella, a widow in New York City, explained: “You’re stunned. You don’t feel anything.”

“There Must Be Some Mistake!”

Along with this initial numbness, it’s not uncommon to go through various forms of denial. “There must be some mistake!” can often be heard during the early hours of grief. For some the loss is difficult to accept, particularly if they weren’t with their loved one when he or she died. Recalls Stella: “I didn’t see my husband die; it happened in the hospital. So it was hard to believe that he was dead. He went out to the store that day, and it was as if he would be coming back.”

You know your loved one has died, yet your habits and memories may deny it. For example, explains Lynn Caine in her book Widow: “When something funny happened, I’d say to myself, ‘Oh, wait until I tell Martin about this tonight! He’ll never believe it.’ There were times in my office when I would stretch out my hand to the telephone to call him, to chat. Reality always intervened before I dialed.”

Others have done similar things, such as consistently setting the wrong number of plates for dinner or reaching for the departed one’s favorite foods in the supermarket. Some even have vivid dreams of the deceased or imagine seeing him on the street. It’s not uncommon for survivors to fear that they’re going out of their mind. But these are common reactions to such a drastic change in one’s life.

Eventually, though, the pain cuts through, perhaps bringing with it other feelings that you weren’t prepared to deal with.

“He Left Us!”

“My kids would get upset and say, ‘He left us!’” explained Corrine, whose husband died about two years ago. “I’d tell them, ‘He didn’t leave you. He didn’t have any control over what happened to him.’ But then I’d think to myself, ‘Here I am telling them that, and I’m feeling the same way!’” Yes, surprising as it may seem, anger quite often accompanies grief.

It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. As Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.”

And sometimes there’s anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor. Explains Corrine: “I’m not used to handling all the responsibilities of caring for the house and the family. You can’t call on others for every little thing. Sometimes I get angry about that.”

On the heels of anger often comes another feeling​—guilt.

“He Wouldn’t Have Died if Only I Had . . .”

Some feel guilty because of anger​—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s dying. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times they got angry at or argued with the departed one. Or they may feel that they really were not all that they should have been to the deceased. They are tormented by thoughts such as, ‘I should have​—or shouldn’t have—​done this or that.’

Mike, a young man in his early 20’s, recalls: “I never had a good relationship with my father. It was only in recent years that I really even started talking to him. Now [since his father died] there are so many things I feel I should have done or said.” Of course, the fact that now there’s no way to make it up may only add to the frustration and guilt.

As difficult as it is to lose a spouse, a parent, a brother, or a sister in death, what some consider to be the most tragic loss of all is the death of a child.

[Box on page 5]

Common Grief Reactionsa

Shock​—(“I don’t feel anything”)

Denial​—(“There must be some mistake!”)

Anger​—(“How could he leave me like this?”)

Guilt​—(“He wouldn’t have died if only I had . . .”)

Anxiety​—(“What will become of me now?”)

Fear of insanity​—(“I think I’m losing my mind”)

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 4]

“Dead? I can’t believe it!”

[Picture on page 5]

Many survivors go through feelings of guilt: “If only I had . . .”

What a Parent Feels

GENEAL had taken her six children​—five girls and one boy—​for a vacation to visit some friends in upstate New York. One day the girls decided to go into town. The son Jimmy and another boy asked if they could go hiking. The boys were told to be very careful and to return by early afternoon.

By late afternoon the boys hadn’t returned. “The later it got, the more worried I grew,” recalls Geneal. “I thought maybe one of them had got hurt and the other wouldn’t leave him.” The search continued through the night. Early the next morning they were found and everyone’s worst fears were confirmed​—the boys had fallen to their death. Though ten years have gone by, Geneal explains: “I’ll never forget when that police officer walked into the house. His face was extremely pale. I knew what he was going to tell me even before he said a word.”

And the feelings? They go beyond the common feelings that accompany other losses. As Geneal explains: “I gave birth to Jimmy. He was only 12 years old when he died. He had his whole life ahead of him. I have had other losses in my life. But the feeling is different when you’re a parent and your child dies.”

The death of a child has been described as “the ultimate loss,” “the most devastating death.” Why? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “A child’s death is so unexpected. It’s out of order, unnatural. . . . Parents expect to look after their children, keep them safe, and raise them to be normal, healthy adults. When a child dies, it’s as if the rug has been pulled out from underneath us.”

In some respects it’s particularly hard for the mother. After all, as Geneal explained, something that has come out of her has died. Thus the Bible acknowledges the bitter grief that a mother can feel. (2 Kings 4:27) Of course, it’s difficult for the bereaved father as well. He also feels the pain, the hurt. (Compare Genesis 42:36-38 and; 2 Samuel 18:33.) But often he will hold back from openly expressing his emotions for fear of appearing unmasculine. It may hurt him, too, when others express more concern for his wife’s feelings than for his.

Sometimes a bereaved parent comes to have a special sense of guilt. There may be thoughts such as, ‘Could I have loved him more?’ ‘Did I tell him I loved him often enough?’ and ‘I would have held him more.’ Or, as Geneal expressed it: “I wish I could have spent more time with Jimmy.”

It’s natural for parents to feel responsible for their child. But at times bereaved parents will blame themselves, feeling that they failed to do something that could have prevented the death. For example, the Bible describes the patriarch Jacob’s reaction when he was led to believe that his young son Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So perhaps he was plagued with guilt feelings such as, ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’ Thus, Jacob’s “sons and all his daughters kept rising up to comfort him, but he kept refusing to take comfort.”​—Genesis 37:33-35.

As if the loss of their child were not enough, some report another loss​—the loss of friends. Friends may actually stay away. Why? Geneal observed: “A lot of people shy away because they don’t know what to say to you.”

When a Baby Dies

Juanita knew how it felt to lose a baby. By the time she was in her early 20’s, she had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor​—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born​—just over two pounds (0.9 kg). “I was so excited,” she recalls. “I was finally a mother!”

But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.”

An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they explain, it is loved by its parents. When that baby dies, it’s a real person that’s lost. Gone are the parents’ hopes of taking care of the one who’s been moving inside its mother’s womb.

Following such a loss, it’s understandable that the newly bereaved parent may feel uncomfortable around other pregnant women and mothers with their children. Recalls Juanita: “I couldn’t stand to see a pregnant woman. Why, there were times when I actually left a store right in the middle of shopping just because I saw a pregnant woman.”

Then there are other feelings​—such as fear (‘Will I ever have a normal child?’) or embarrassment (‘What do I tell friends and relatives?’) or anger. Recalls Bonnie whose daughter died two and a half days after birth: “There were times when I felt, ‘Why me? Why my little baby?’” And sometimes there’s humiliation. Juanita explains: “There were mothers leaving the hospital with their babies, and all I had was a stuffed animal that my husband had bought. I felt humiliated.”

If you have lost a loved one in death, it can be helpful to know that what you’re going through is normal, that others have gone through the same thing and have felt similarly.