[Box on page 14]

You have learned to be shy because of:

● Childhood traumas; severe criticism

● Unrealistic expectations of parents

● Being put down and labeled by others (negative experiences)

● Unfamiliar or stressful surroundings

● Anxiety over appearance, speech or performance

● Feelings of inferiority; thinking negatively of self

● Not knowing the “right” social skills

● Easily triggered embarrassment; fear of people

● Fear of taking risks; excessive concern for security

● Overemphasis on competition; pressure to excel

● Feeling everything you say must be interesting, entertaining or profound

Understanding Shyness

A good start is understanding the problem. “A man of understanding is the one who acquires skillful direction,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 1:5) Shyness describes behavior, reaction to a situation. It is what you do, not what you are. It has to do with how you think about yourself, your own self-esteem. It is a pattern of behavior that you have learned to accept and follow from your experience with people in the past. But what is learned can also be unlearned.

Shyness is not ingrained. You have accepted the label of being shy. It has been reinforced through your experiences with others. Thus you have learned to behave in harmony with the belief that you are shy. So shyness is merely acting out the thoughts or beliefs you have of being different, odd or inferior to other persons. You think others are making negative judgments of you, that they don’t like you. You think others are better or more normal than you. You think things will go all wrong if you try to relate to other people. Then you behave as if all these beliefs were actually true. You expect things to turn out badly, and they often do​—because you tense up and act in harmony with your beliefs.

To appreciate this, consider what usually goes on in the mind. In the presence of others, you start to think inwardly, wondering what they think of you, how to control their impressions. You think negatively about yourself​—how unpleasant it is, how you can get out of the situation. Unsure of yourself, you speak softly, if at all. You shun eye contact and avoid taking action​—all of this because you are very self-conscious. You lack confidence in yourself; you think yourself inferior.