Adolescence​—Preparing for Adulthood

IMAGINE that you have just traveled from a tropical island to the Arctic Circle. As soon as you step off the plane, you realize that you are in an icy climate. Can you adapt? Yes, but you will need to make a few adjustments.

A similar situation confronts you when your children become adolescents. Overnight, it seems, the climate has changed. The boy who once would not leave your side now prefers the company of his peers. The girl who once could not wait to tell you about her day now gives only clipped replies.

“How was school?” you ask.

“Fine,” she replies.

Silence.

“What’s on your mind?” you ask.

“Nothing,” she replies.

More silence.

What has happened? Not long ago, “it was like you had a backstage pass to your children’s lives,” says the book Breaking the Code. “Now the best you can hope for is a seat out in the audience, and it probably won’t even be a very good seat.”

Must you resign yourself to such an icy distance? No, not at all. You can stay close to your children as they go through adolescence. First, though, you need to understand just what is happening during this fascinating yet sometimes turbulent stage of growth.

Moving From Childhood to Adulthood

Researchers once thought that a child’s brain was almost fully developed by age five. Now they believe that while the size of the brain changes little after that age, the same cannot be said of its function. When they enter puberty, young people begin a hormonal revolution that changes the way they think. For instance, while small children usually view things in concrete, black-and-white terms, adolescents tend to think abstractly, weighing the underlying issues of a matter. (1 Corinthians 13:11) They develop convictions, and they are not shy about expressing them.

Paolo, from Italy, noticed that change in his adolescent. “When I look at my teenage son,” he says, “I feel as if I have a little man in front of me, not a boy anymore. It’s not just the physical changes. What amazes me most is how he thinks. He’s not afraid to express his views and defend them!”

Have you observed something similar in your adolescent? Perhaps as a child, he simply followed orders. “Because I said so” was all the explanation he needed. Now, as an adolescent, he wants reasons, and perhaps he even questions the values by which the family lives. Sometimes his assertiveness looks like rebellion.

But do not conclude that your adolescent is out to overturn your values. He may just be struggling to make your values his own, to find a place for them in his life. To illustrate, imagine that you are moving from one home to another and that you are taking your furniture with you. Will it be easy to find a place for each piece in the new home? Likely not. But one thing is certain, you will not throw away any item that you view as precious.

Your adolescent faces a similar situation as he prepares for the time when he will “leave his father and his mother.” (Genesis 2:24) True, that day may be a long way off; your adolescent is not yet an adult. In a sense, though, he is already packing. Throughout the teen years, he is examining the values he has been raised with, and he is deciding which ones he will take with him into adulthood.a

The idea of your child making such decisions may frighten you. You can be sure, though, that when he moves into adulthood, he will retain only the values that he views as precious. Therefore, now​—while your adolescent is still at home—​is the time for him to investigate thoroughly the principles by which he will live.​—Acts 17:11.

Really, it is beneficial for your adolescent to do that. After all, if he accepts your standards without question now, he may later accept the standards of others naively. (Exodus 23:2) The Bible describes such a youth as being easily seduced because he is “in want of heart”​—a phrase that means to lack discernment, among other things. (Proverbs 7:7) A young person without convictions can be “tossed about as by waves and carried hither and thither by every wind of teaching by means of the trickery of men.”​—Ephesians 4:14.

How can you prevent that from happening to your child? Make sure that he has the following three assets:

1 PERCEPTIVE POWERS

The apostle Paul wrote that “mature people . . . have their perceptive powers trained to distinguish both right and wrong.” (Hebrews 5:14) ‘But I taught my child right from wrong years ago,’ you might say. And, no doubt, that training benefited him at the time and prepared him for this next stage of growth. (2 Timothy 3:14) Still, Paul said that people need to have their perceptive powers trained. While small children may acquire a knowledge of right and wrong, adolescents need to “become full-grown in powers of understanding.” (1 Corinthians 14:20; Proverbs 1:4; 2:11) You want your adolescent, not to obey blindly, but to use solid reasoning skills. (Romans 12:1, 2) How can you help him do that?

One way is to let him express himself. Do not interrupt, and try your best not to overreact​—even if he says something that you do not want to hear. The Bible says: “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:13) Furthermore, Jesus said: “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34) If you listen, you will be able to find out what really concerns your adolescent.

When you do speak, try to use questions rather than blunt statements. Jesus sometimes asked, “What do you think?” to draw out not only his disciples but also those who were obstinate. (Matthew 21:23, 28) You can do something similar with your adolescent, even when he expresses a view that is contrary to yours. For example:

If your adolescent says: “I’m not sure that I believe in God.”

Rather than respond: “We taught you better than that​—of course you believe in God!”

You could say: “What makes you feel that way?”

Why draw out your adolescent? Because although you already hear what he is saying, you need to find out what he is thinking. (Proverbs 20:5) The issue may have more to do with God’s standards than God’s existence.

For example, a youth who feels pressured to disobey God’s moral laws may try to make it acceptable by removing God from the picture. (Psalm 14:1) ‘If God doesn’t exist,’ he could reason, ‘then I don’t have to live in accord with Bible standards.’

If your adolescent seems to be thinking that way, he may need to reason on the question, Do I really believe that God’s standards are for my good? (Isaiah 48:17, 18) If he believes that they are for his good, encourage him to see that his well-being is worth standing up for.​—Galatians 5:1.

If your adolescent says: “This may be your religion, but that doesn’t mean it’s mine.”

Rather than respond: “It’s our religion, you are our child, and you will believe what we tell you to believe.”

You could say: “That’s quite a strong statement. If you reject my beliefs, though, you must have something to replace them with. So, what are your beliefs? What code of conduct do you think it’s right to live by?”

Why draw out your adolescent? Because reasoning with him in this way can help him examine his thinking. He might be surprised to discover that his beliefs are the same as yours but that what concerns him is really something else altogether.

For example, perhaps your adolescent does not know how to explain his beliefs to others. (Colossians 4:6; 1 Peter 3:15) Or he might be attracted to someone of the opposite sex who does not share his faith. Get to the root of the problem, and help your adolescent do so as well. The more he uses his perceptive powers, the better prepared he will be for adulthood.

2 ADULT GUIDANCE

In some cultures today, there is little or no evidence of the “storm and stress” that some psychologists claim is to be expected during the teen years. Researchers have found that in those societies youths are assimilated into adult life at an early age. They work with adults, socialize with adults, and are entrusted with adult responsibilities. Terms such as “youth culture,” “juvenile delinquency,” and even “adolescence” do not exist.

In contrast, consider the experience of youths in many lands who are herded into overcrowded schools where the only meaningful association they have is with other youths. When they come home, the house is empty. Dad and Mom both work. Relatives live far away. The group they have easiest access to is made up of their peers.b Do you see the danger? It is not just a matter of falling in with the wrong crowd. Researchers have found that even exemplary youths tend to succumb to irresponsible behavior if they are isolated from the world of adults.

One society that did not isolate youths from adults was that of ancient Israel.c For example, the Bible tells of Uzziah, who became king of Judah while still a teenager. What helped Uzziah handle that weighty responsibility? Evidently, at least in part, it was the influence of an adult named Zechariah, whom the Bible describes as an “instructor in the fear of the true God.”​—2 Chronicles 26:5.

Does your adolescent have one or more adult mentors who share your values? Do not feel jealous of such helpful influences. Having them can help your adolescent do what is right. A Bible proverb states: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise.”​—Proverbs 13:20.

3 SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY

In some lands, the law prohibits young people from being employed more than a certain number of hours a week or from doing certain types of work. Such restrictions were put in place to protect children from hazardous work conditions​—a by-product of the industrial revolution of the 18th and 19th centuries.

While child labor laws protect youths from danger and abuse, some experts claim that these restrictions also shield them from responsibility. As a result, says the book Escaping the Endless Adolescence, many teens have developed “a sense of surly entitlement, of almost deserving to have things presented to them without having to struggle to earn them.” The authors note that this attitude “seems a natural response to living in a world that’s been far more geared to entertaining teens than to expecting anything from them.”

In contrast, the Bible tells of youths who took on weighty responsibilities at an early age. Consider Timothy, who likely was just a teenager when he met the apostle Paul​—a man who had a powerful influence on him. At one point, Paul told Timothy: “Stir up like a fire the gift of God which is in you.” (2 Timothy 1:6) While perhaps in his late teens or early 20’s, Timothy left home and traveled with the apostle Paul, helping to establish congregations and build up the brotherhood. After about a decade of working with Timothy, Paul was able to tell the Christians in Philippi: “I have no one else of a disposition like his who will genuinely care for the things pertaining to you.”​—Philippians 2:20.

Often, adolescents are eager to take on responsibility, especially when they sense that doing so involves meaningful work that makes a difference. Not only does this train them to become responsible adults in the future but it also brings out their best right now.

Adapting to a New “Climate”

As mentioned at the outset of this article, if you are the parent of an adolescent, you probably sense that you are in a different “climate” from the one you were in just a few years ago. Be assured that you can adapt, just as you have during your child’s other stages of growth.

View your child’s teenage years as an opportunity for you (1) to help him cultivate his perceptive powers, (2) to provide adult guidance, and (3) to instill in him a sense of responsibility. By doing so, you will be preparing your adolescent for adulthood.

[Footnotes]

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“I COULDN’T IMAGINE HAVING BETTER PARENTS”

By word and by example, parents who are Jehovah’s Witnesses teach their children to live in accord with Bible principles. (Ephesians 6:4) However, they do not force them to do so. Witness parents realize that each son or daughter, on coming of age, must decide by which values he or she will live.

Aislyn, 18, has adopted the values with which she was raised. “For me,” she says, “my religion isn’t something I do just one day out of the week. It is my way of life. It affects everything I do and every decision I make​—from the friends I have to the classes I take and the books I read.”

Aislyn greatly appreciates the upbringing her Christian parents have given her. “I couldn’t imagine having better parents,” she says, “and I’m fortunate that they have instilled in me a desire to be and to remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My parents will be a guiding force in my life for as long as I live.”

What Parents Say

The years of adolescence bring a whole new set of challenges for many parents. How can you help your child succeed in this phase of life​—which may be as confusing to him as it is to you? Note what some parents from around the world have said.

CHANGES

“When he was younger, my son would take my counsel without questioning it. But during the teenage years, he seemed to lose confidence in my authority. He questioned both what I said and the manner in which I said it.”​—Frank, Canada.

“My son doesn’t talk as much as he used to. I have to ask him what’s on his mind rather than expect him to tell me. Getting him to answer a question isn’t easy. The answer will come​—but not right away.”​—Francis, Australia.

“Patience is very important. At times we may want to lash out at our children, but calming down and having a conversation with them is always a better solution!”​—Felicia, United States.

COMMUNICATION

“Sometimes my teenage daughter has this wall of defense that she puts up, and sometimes she thinks that I’m picking on her. I have to remind her that I love her, that we’re on the same team, and that I’m rooting for her!”​—Lisa, United States.

“When they were younger, my children readily opened up to me. It was easy to draw them out. Now I have to try to be understanding and to show that I respect them as individuals. That is the only way they will open up their hearts to me.”​—Nan-hi, Korea.

“It’s not enough to forbid teenagers to do certain things. We have to reason with them and have meaningful conversations that touch their hearts. To open the door for that, we need to be ready to hear what they have to say, even if that includes things we would prefer not to hear.”​—Dalila, Brazil.

“If I have to correct my daughter, I try to do so privately rather than in the presence of others.”​—Edna, Nigeria.

“Sometimes when I am talking with my son, I begin to get distracted by other activities in the home and I don’t give him my complete attention. He realizes it, and I think that is one of the reasons why he doesn’t talk with me much. I need to try to pay more attention to him when we talk so that he will continue expressing himself.”​—Miriam, Mexico.

INDEPENDENCE

“I had always been apprehensive about granting independence to my teenagers, and it definitely has been a source of some conflict. I discussed the matter openly with them. I explained why I felt fearful, after which they explained why they desired more freedom. We were able to reach an agreement by which they could have more freedom within the reasonable limits that I had set up.”​—Edwin, Ghana.

“My son wanted a motorbike. I was so much against the idea that I found myself scolding him and pointing out all the negative aspects of buying one, without giving him any opportunity to explain himself. That made him angry and more determined to get one! I decided to try a different approach. I encouraged my son to research the subject from every angle, including the dangers, the expense, and the requirements to obtain and maintain a license. I also told him to seek the advice of mature Christians in the congregation. I came to realize that instead of being oppressive, it was better for me to encourage my son to talk freely about his wishes. In that way I could reach his heart.”​—Hye-young, Korea.

“We set limits, but we also granted freedoms, gradually. The better our children handled those freedoms, the more they received. We provided them with opportunities to earn freedom, showing them that it was our desire for them to obtain it; but we would not withhold consequences if they abused our trust.”​—Dorothée, France.

“I never lowered my standards. But when my children were obedient, I was willing to make concessions. For instance, on occasion I would relax their curfew. But if they broke a curfew more than once, there would be consequences.”​—Il-hyun, Korea.

“The more obedient and responsible an employee is, the more consideration he will receive from his boss. Likewise, my son can see that the more obedient and responsible he is within the boundaries we have given him, the more independence he will gradually earn. My son knows that just as an employee is penalized for not fulfilling his responsibilities, he can lose the independence that he’s earned if he doesn’t handle it responsibly.”​—Ramón, Mexico.

[Blurb on page 22]

“Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life.”​—Proverbs 22:6, Good News Translation

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FAMILY PROFILES

“Parenting Adolescents Is a Wonderful Experience”

Joseph: My two oldest daughters are teenagers, and I find that it’s important to listen to and acknowledge their viewpoints. Being honest about my own shortcomings​—and showing respect when talking to my daughters—​helps keep the lines of communication open. All told, I feel that parenting adolescents is a wonderful experience, thanks to the guidance we get from God’s Word, the Bible.

Lisa: I noticed that when our oldest daughter became a teenager, she needed my attention even more. I can remember spending much time listening to her, talking with her, and reassuring her. My husband and I let our daughters know that they can express themselves and that we will respect their feelings. I try to apply the wisdom of James 1:19, which says to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”

Victoria: My mom is my best friend. I’ve never met anyone as sweet and as caring​—and she’s that way with everyone. I can’t think of a better word to describe her than “genuine.” She could never be replaced.

Olivia: My dad is caring and generous. He’s always giving of himself even when we don’t have much ourselves. He knows how to be serious, but he also really knows how to have a good time. He’s a special dad, and I’m glad he’s mine!

“We Don’t Have Time to Be Bored!”

Sonny: If the girls have a problem, we sit down as a family and discuss it. We’re always open with one another, and we base our decisions on Bible principles. Ynez and I also try to make sure that the girls have good, mature associates. Our friends are their friends, and their friends are ours.

Ynez: We stay active, and we do things together as a family. As Jehovah’s Witnesses, we’re busy with the ministry, personal and family Bible study, and volunteer work​—including disaster relief and Kingdom Hall construction. We also balance all of this with good recreation. We don’t have time to be bored!

Kellsie: My dad is a good listener, and he always consults the whole family before making a big decision. My mom is always there for me whenever I need help​—or just to talk.

Samantha: My mom makes me feel so special, so loved, so important​—even when she doesn’t realize it. She listens. She cares. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything.

[Pictures]

The Camera family: Joseph, Lisa, Victoria, Olivia, and Isabella

The Zapata family: Kellsie, Ynez, Sonny, and Samantha

WHICH of the following would you like your adolescent to become?

A. A replica of you.

B. A rebel whose mission is to become the opposite of you.

C. A responsible adult who makes wise decisions.

Some parents who choose Option C may act as if they favor Option A. They try to force their values on their adolescent, such as by telling him which career to choose. The result? As soon as he gains a measure of independence, he runs in the opposite direction. Ironically, many parents who sow Option A reap Option B.

Why Attempts at Complete Control Fail

You want your adolescent to become a responsible adult who makes wise decisions. But how can you reach that goal? One thing is certain: Complete control is not the answer. Consider two reasons.

1. The complete-control approach is unscriptural. Jehovah God created humans with free will. He allows people to choose the path they will take in life, whether good or bad. For example, when Cain harbored murderous anger toward his brother Abel, Jehovah said to him: “If you turn to doing good, will there not be an exaltation? But if you do not turn to doing good, there is sin crouching at the entrance, and for you is its craving; and will you, for your part, get the mastery over it?”​—Genesis 4:7.

Note that while Jehovah gave Cain clear counsel, he did not force him to heed it. Cain had to choose whether to get the mastery over his anger or not. The lesson? If Jehovah does not try to exert complete control to elicit obedience from his creatures, neither should you try to do so with your adolescents.a

2. The complete-control approach usually backfires. Imagine that you are confronted by a pushy salesman. The more he tries to make the sale, the more firmly you resist. Even if you need his product, you are probably put off by his manner. You want to get away from him.

Something similar could happen if you try to force your values, beliefs, and goals on your adolescent. Will he “buy” them? Not likely! In fact, your approach may achieve just the opposite, causing your adolescent to develop a distaste for your standards. All too often, parental attempts at complete control fail. What, then, can you do?

Rather than try to control your adolescent’s life completely, imposing your values on him as you might have when he was younger, help him to see the wisdom of doing what is right. For example, if you are a Christian, show him how living by God’s principles will bring him greater contentment in the long run.​—Isaiah 48:17, 18.

As you do that, set the example. Be the kind of person you want your adolescent to become. (1 Corinthians 11:1) Make clear the values you choose to live by. (Proverbs 4:11) If your adolescent develops a love for God and his standards, he will make wise choices, even when you are not present.​—Psalm 119:97; Philippians 2:12.

Impart Practical Skills

As brought out on page 2 of this magazine, the day will come​—perhaps all too soon, in your view—​when your grown child “will leave his father and his mother.” (Genesis 2:24) As a parent, you want to make sure that he has the skills he needs in order to function as an independent adult. Consider some of the skills that you can help him develop now, while he is still at home.

Domestic Skills. Can your adolescent prepare meals? wash and iron his clothes? keep his room clean and organized? perform maintenance and basic repairs on a car? Developing such skills will enable either a son or a daughter to manage a household someday. The apostle Paul said: “I have learned, in whatever circumstances I am, to be self-sufficient.”​—Philippians 4:11.

Social Skills. (James 3:17) How well does your adolescent get along with others? Can he settle disputes amicably? Have you trained him to treat people with respect and to resolve conflicts peacefully? (Ephesians 4:29, 31, 32) The Bible says: “Honor men of all sorts.”​—1 Peter 2:17.

Money Management. (Luke 14:28) Can you help your adolescent to learn a trade, work within a budget, and avoid debt? Have you trained him to save for needed items and avoid impulse buying and to be content with necessities? (Proverbs 22:7) Paul wrote: “Having sustenance and covering, we shall be content.”​—1 Timothy 6:8.

Adolescents who learn to live by upright values and who have developed practical skills are truly prepared for adulthood. Their parents have reached their goal!​—Proverbs 23:24.

[Footnote]

HAVE YOU WONDERED?

● What is your goal as a parent?​—Hebrews 5:14.

● What will be your adolescent’s own responsibility when he becomes an adult?​—Joshua 24:15.

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Which would you like your adolescent to become?

A replica . . .

A rebel . . .

A responsible adult