Adoption—Is It for You?

BY AWAKE! CORRESPONDENT IN BRITAIN

“ADOPTION is a service for children, not a service to provide childless couples with a baby,” maintains one British social worker. Even so, what say does a child usually have in his or her adoption?

Are you considering adopting a child? Then you face a decision that is not only emotional but also irreversible. How successfully will the child integrate into your family?

If you are an adopted child, do you know who your biological parents are? If not, what difference do you think it would make if you did?

Are you a mother considering whether to give up your baby for adoption? Is adoption really the only solution and in the best interests of your child?

In 1995 more than 50,000 children were adopted in the United States, and about 8,000 of them were foreign-born. Increasingly, people are adopting children from foreign countries. According to Time magazine, in the past 25 years families in the United States have adopted over 140,000 foreign-born children. Comparable figures for Europe are Sweden 32,000, Holland 18,000, Germany 15,000, and Denmark 11,000.

Do you fit into this picture somewhere? Undertaking an adoption means that your life—not just the life of the child—will never be the same again. Adoptive parents rightly expect many pleasures, but they must also be prepared for many problems and disappointments. Likewise, the heartache a mother experiences in giving up her child for adoption may never heal completely.

Each case presents the challenge of constructing or rebuilding a young life with love. The following articles will convey some of the joys—and challenges—of child adoption.

Adoption—Why and How?

WHY has the number of children adopted in Britain dropped drastically during the last 20 years? Two reasons have been suggested—the availability of legal abortion and the growing acceptance of a mother bringing up her child without a husband. Being a single-parent family is now seen as a challenge that can be met successfully in modern society.

Just over 100 years ago, however, things were different. When Polly, the mother of Edgar Wallace, the English writer of crime novels, became pregnant by the son of her employer, she went away and gave birth secretly. Edgar was nine days old when the midwife arranged for the wife of George Freeman, a porter at London’s Billingsgate fish market, to care for him. The Freemans already had ten children of their own, and Edgar grew up known as Dick Freeman. Polly made regular payments to help maintain her child, and the father never did learn of his son’s existence.

Today when babies are unwanted, the state authorities often assume responsibility for them. Many children are taken into care because they need protection from abuse or because they have physical or mental disabilities. Those orphaned by the horrors of war and babies resulting from rape constantly swell the numbers of children crying out for parental affection and protection—in a word, adoption.

To Adopt or Not to Adopt?

Adopting a child is never easy, and it is never wise to make a snap decision when contemplating it. If you have lost a baby, it may be best to wait to get over the shock or grief before making a final decision about adopting. The same may be true for a couple who are told they are infertile.

Every child inherits a unique genetic profile. Parents are often surprised at the propensities of their own children, but it is difficult to assess a baby’s mental and emotional potential if its parentage is unknown.

Do you place a high value on academic achievement? If so, how will you feel if your adopted child does not meet your expectations? Would you find a mentally handicapped or physically disabled child a challenge with which you could cope?

Trained personnel at adoption agencies or government social workers will take you through this kind of questioning before you commit yourself. Their overriding concern must be for the security and happiness of the child.

If You Decide to Adopt . . .

Each country has its own adoption laws and regulations that need to be studied. In Britain there are hundreds of adoption societies, and they usually work along with the local governmental authorities. All societies have their own rules.

Particularly popular in Britain are adoption parties, where a number of prospective parents can mix with children available for adoption, without the emotional strain that can accompany a one-on-one meeting. The relaxed atmosphere makes it easier for prospective parents to say no and makes it less probable that the children will be disappointed, since no individual child is isolated as the sole focus of attention.

Age limits are usually imposed for those adopting, likely around 35 or 40 years of age—though this often applies to the adoption of babies, not necessarily of older children. Adoption societies say that age limits take into account the life expectancy of prospective parents. However, they are aware that valuable experience comes with age.

Years ago adoptions could be arranged only with married couples. Today, unmarried persons can apply successfully to adopt certain children. Also, unemployment and disability are not necessarily reasons for prospective parents to be turned down. The basic question is, What can the arrangement offer the child?

Even when an adoption is eventually finalized, the parents may be consistently monitored to ensure that things are going smoothly.

From Another Race?

Thirty years ago black children in Britain were hard to place for adoption with black families, and as a result, many went to white parents. Since 1989 it has been the national policy in Britain to place children with adoptive parents who are of the same ethnic background. It is felt that in this way a child will more readily identify with his or her race and culture. This has, however, led to some paradoxical situations.

Recently The Sunday Times reported that some white parents have been “reclassified as ‘black’” to enable them to adopt a black child. It is not unusual for white parents to foster a black child, which means they care for it on a temporary basis. But if they are later denied the right to adopt that child permanently, the result is emotional trauma for both child and parents.

A Scottish couple, who for six years fostered two Indian children, recently faced a typical problem of mixed-race adoption. The court allowed the adoption on the understanding that the parents “use their best endeavours to secure that the children will be made aware of their [ethnic] identity and brought up with an understanding of their ethnic origins and traditions,” reports The Times. In this case the adoptive parents had already been doing so. The children were being taught the Punjabi language and were sometimes dressed in their native attire.

Many will agree with the observations of the British social services spokeswoman who said that mixed-race adoption should be more freely allowed. “We live in a multicultural society,” she said, “and fostering and adoption should reflect that.”

From Abroad?

The adoption of children from foreign countries is a ‘booming trade,’ according to The Independent newspaper. Although reports indicate that some of the traffic may not be legal, Eastern Europe is a major source of supply for Britain.

For example, some babies born as a result of rape during the breakup of the former Yugoslavia have been abandoned. Others, it is claimed, would have been aborted were it not for the intervention of a “baby broker,” who promised adoption if the child was brought to full term. Governments of Western countries, however, are concerned about payments made to procure some of these adoptions.

A cause for greater concern relates to alleged falsification of documentation by doctors at the time of birth. The newspaper The European reported allegations that some mothers in Ukraine were told their infants were stillborn. It was also claimed that these babies were subsequently sold. Other mothers may have been informed that their children were mentally handicapped. Under such pressure, distraught mothers are more easily persuaded to sign over their children for adoption. Yet other children may never have reached the orphanages to which they were sent but may have ended up in foreign countries.

Resentment surfaces in developing countries. They claim that the affluent West should be doing more to help indigenous families care for their offspring in their home environment instead of taking them away for adoption into a foreign culture.

The West must also understand the age-old tradition of extended families, the backbone of the community in many cultures. A child will usually not be deprived of care when living in tribal groupings, even if the parents die. Aside from immediate family members, such as grandparents, the wider family of aunts and uncles will consider the child theirs, and any offer of adoption by outsiders can be misunderstood and viewed as an unacceptable intrusion.a

To arrange an adoption is not easy, and even when it has been finalized, hard work is necessary to make it a success. But as we will see, there are also great joys.

[Footnote]

[Box on page 5]

Will My Son Look for Me?

MY PARENTS divorced when I was 11 years old. I was desperate for love. When I was in college, I got involved in a romantic relationship; it was my way of getting affection. Then I found to my chagrin that I was pregnant. It was so ridiculous. My fellow student and I were so immature. I had never used drugs, alcohol, or tobacco, but my boyfriend was badly damaged from his days on LSD.

I was advised to have an abortion, but my father talked me out of that. I did not want to be pregnant, but I also did not want to destroy a life. When my son was born in 1978, I decided not to put his father’s name on his birth certificate to ensure that the father would not have access to him. In fact, I agreed to have the baby adopted from birth; so he was taken from me straightaway and put into temporary care. I did not even see him. But then I changed my mind. I took my baby out of care and tried desperately to raise him myself. But I could not, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

My son was about six months old when the adoption order went through and I had to give him up. I remember feeling as if someone had just stuck a knife through me. I died emotionally. Only since receiving professional counseling during the past two years have I been able to build up meaningful relationships. I could not grieve—my son was not dead. But I could not think about him either—I refused to allow myself to do so. It was horrible.

What hurts most is hearing people say: “If you give up your child for adoption, you don’t love your child.” But that was not true in my case! It was because I loved my son that I gave him up! To the last minute, I kept asking myself: ‘What on earth am I going to do? What can I do?’ There was no way out. I knew that I just could not cope and that my baby would suffer if I tried to keep him.

In England, society now accepts single-parent families—but not when I gave birth. I wish I could have cared for my son properly. The counseling I have recently received would have helped, I suppose, but it is too late now. Is my son still alive? What kind of boy has he grown up to be? At age 18, adopted children are legally entitled to look for their parents. I often wonder if my son will look for me.—Contributed.

[Box/Picture on page 8]

It Worked for Us

WITH two teenage boys of our own, we were a contented, united English family. The thought of having a daughter—and of a different race—had never even crossed our minds. Then Cathy came into our lives. Cathy was born in London, England. She was brought up as a Roman Catholic, but as a young child, she attended with her mother a few meetings at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. At the age of 10, however, she was placed in a children’s home.

Although things were more difficult for her there, she still managed on her own to attend meetings at the Kingdom Hall, which was where we met her. Cathy was a thoughtful girl. When my wife and I visited her at the children’s home, we noticed that the wall by her bed was covered with animal pictures and country scenes, unlike the pop star posters that the other girls pinned up.

Some time later Cathy had to appear before an assessment committee, who asked her if she would like to leave the home and live with a family instead. “Only with a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses!” she replied. When Cathy told us about this and what she had said, it gave us something to think about. We had a spare room. Could we take on this kind of responsibility? As a family, we talked and prayed about it. It was only much later that we discovered that this approach—asking a child’s opinion—was a new venture on the part of the social services, an experiment then being documented.

Social services checked us out with the police and our doctor and obtained personal references. Soon an agreement was made. We were told that we could have Cathy on a trial basis and that we could send her back if we did not like her! This horrified us, and we were very firm in saying that we would never do that. Cathy was 13 years old when we officially took her into our home.

The unique bond of love among all of us continues to grow stronger. Cathy is now serving as a pioneer (a full-time evangelizer) with a French congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses in north London. The year she left home to pioneer, she wrote us a touching note: “There is a saying that ‘you can’t choose your family.’ However, I would like to thank you from my heart for choosing me.”

We are so grateful that Cathy came along! Making her a part of our family enriched our lives. It worked for us!—Contributed.

Adoption—How Do I Fit In?

IT GOES without saying that problems can arise if adoptive parents divorce or if one partner dies. But it is the adopted child who may feel the greater strain. Why?

The majority of us know who our biological parents are. Even if we lost them early in life, we have memories, or probably some photographs, to complete the link. What, though, of a baby put up for adoption soon after birth? The adoption society retains details of the mother, but that information is often not made available until the child comes of age. In other cases, the mother registers her own name on the birth certificate but omits that of the father. Some babies are foundlings—discovered after their unknown parents have abandoned them. Children in all of these situations lack roots—they may feel cut off from their background or origin.

How Stable?

Trees need a good root system to stand firm. A new shoot grafted on to a mature stock may flourish well, but it might also wither and fail to produce fruit. Similarly, although adoptive parents may give all the care and loving devotion possible, some children never recover from the shock of being cut off from their original roots.

Consider the case of Kate.a Born of West Indian parents, as a baby Kate was adopted by a loving, caring white couple, but she could not come to grips with her new environment. At the age of 16, she left home, never to return. Bitterness had by that time turned to unreasoning hatred. “Why did my mother give me away to you?” she demanded. Sadly, this family was unable to bridge the gap.

Mervyn was placed in the care of the local authority at birth and then with foster parents. When nine months old, he was adopted. His initial insecure background, along with a burning resentment at being of mixed race, developed into a rebellious attitude bringing much trouble upon him and deep sorrow to his adoptive parents, who did so much for him. “If anyone were to ask my advice about adoption,” his mother said, “I would now say, ‘Think twice about it.’”

In contrast, consider the experience of Robert and Sylvia. They had one son and were unable to have any more children. “Have you thought of a child of another nationality?” they were asked. Soon they were adopting Mak-Chai, a nine-month-old baby girl from Hong Kong. “I often wonder why I was abandoned,” says Mak-Chai, “and whether I have any brothers or sisters. But I think I am closer to my adoptive mum and dad than a lot of natural children are to their parents. If I knew who my biological parents were, it would not make a lot of difference, except that I would understand a few of my characteristics a bit better, maybe.” Do her adoptive parents recommend adoption? “Yes,” they say, “because for us it has been a marvelous experience!”

Reasons for Caution

Graham and Ruth adopted two children as babies, a boy and a girl, to integrate with their own son and daughter. All four children were brought up as one united family in a happy environment. “All our children left home years ago and went their own way. We maintain regular contact and love them all,” says Ruth. But sadly, both adopted children had serious problems. Why?

“Our doctor told us that the environment for a child is all-important,” says Graham, who now feels that inherited traits are a major factor. He adds: “Also, what about the mother’s health when she was carrying her baby? Drugs, drink, and tobacco, we now know, can affect an unborn child. I recommend a thorough check be made of both parents, and even grandparents if at all possible, before undertaking adoption.”

Peter’s mother remarried, and Peter suffered physical and mental abuse from his stepfather. At the age of three, he was put up for adoption. “I rejected my adoptive parents the moment I stepped out of the court,” Peter said. He added: “I destroyed everything I could lay my hands on. When I did sleep, I experienced horrific nightmares. Looking back now, I can see how highly disturbed I was. After my adoptive parents also divorced, things went from bad to worse for me—drugs, stealing, vandalism, daily orgies.

“At the age of 27, I could see no reason to continue living and contemplated suicide. Then one day a stranger handed me a Bible-based tract that stated that soon this earth will become a paradise. The message appealed to me. It had the ring of truth. I started to read and study the Bible and began to make changes in my life and character, but time and again I fell back into my old ways. After much encouragement and helpful Christian association, I now feel happier and more secure in serving God than I could have dreamed of a few years ago. I have also been able to rekindle an affectionate relationship with my mother, which is delightful.”

Facing Reality

When it comes to adoptions, emotions run high. Extremes of love and gratitude are seen alongside bitterness and ingratitude. Edgar Wallace, for example, never forgave his mother for abandoning him, which is how he assessed her actions. She went to see him in the last year of her life, reluctantly seeking some financial assistance, but Edgar, affluent as he was by that time, brusquely turned her away. Soon after, when he learned that his mother would have been buried in a pauper’s grave but for the kindness of friends who paid for her funeral, he deeply regretted his insensitivity.

People considering adoption must be prepared to face realistically the problems and challenges that may arise. Children are not always grateful for what their parents—adoptive or biological—do for them, even in the best of circumstances. The Bible, in fact, speaks of individuals in our day as “having no natural affection” and being “unthankful” and “disloyal.”—2 Timothy 3:1-5.

On the other hand, opening your home—and your heart—to a child that needs parents can be a positive, enriching experience. Cathy, for instance, is deeply grateful to her adoptive parents for providing her with a Christian home and caring for her physical and spiritual needs.—See the box “It Worked for Us,” page 8.

When describing how they feel about their adopted sons and daughters, the parents of such children may well call to mind the words of the psalmist: “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.”—Psalm 127:3, Today’s English Version.