Infidelity—Its Tragic Consequences

“I’ve left,” said the voice on the telephone—likely the most devastating words Pat’sa husband had ever said to her. “I just couldn’t believe the betrayal,” she says. “What I’d always feared most—that my husband would leave me for someone else—became an awful reality.”

PAT, a 33-year-old, really wanted to make the marriage work; her husband had assured her that he would never leave her. “We promised to stand by each other, come what may,” Pat recalls. “I was convinced that he meant it. Then . . . he did that. Now I’ve got nothing—not a cat or a goldfish—nothing!”

Hiroshi will never forget the day his mother’s extramarital affair came to light. “I was just 11 years old,” he recalls. “Mom came storming through the house. Dad was right behind her, saying, ‘Just hang on. Let’s talk about this.’ I could sense that something had gone horribly wrong. Dad was shattered. He’s never quite recovered. What’s more, he had no one to confide in. So he turned to me. Imagine it: a man in his 40’s coming to his 11-year-old son for consolation and empathy!”

Whether it is the scandalous affairs that have rocked royalty, politicians, film stars, and religious leaders or the betrayal and tears in our own families, marital unfaithfulness continues to take a tragic toll. “Adultery,” states The New Encyclopædia Britannica, “seems to be as universal and, in some instances, as common as marriage.” Some researchers estimate that between 50 and 75 percent of people have at some time been unfaithful. Marriage researcher Zelda West-Meads says that although much infidelity goes undetected, “all the evidence points to affairs being on the increase.”

An Avalanche of Feelings

Though shocking, the statistics for infidelity and divorce do not reveal the full impact on people’s daily lives. Besides the enormous financial implications, consider the mountains of feelings locked in those statistics—the buckets of tears shed and the immeasurable confusion, grief, anxiety, and excruciating pain that is suffered, as well as the countless nights that family members spend in sleepless anguish. The victims may survive the ordeal, but they are likely to carry the scars for a long time. The hurt and damage is not easily undone.

“A marital breakdown normally produces a huge eruption of emotions,” explains the book How to Survive Divorce, “an eruption which sometimes threatens to obscure your vision. What should you do? How should you react? How do you rise above it all? You may swing from certainty to doubt, from anger to guilt or from trust to suspicion.”

That was Pedro’s experience after he learned about his wife’s unfaithfulness. “When there is infidelity,” he confides, “then a flood of confusing emotions rain down.” The sense of devastation is difficult enough for victims to comprehend—let alone outsiders, who have little grasp of the situation. “No one,” claims Pat, “really understands how I feel. When I think about my husband being with her, I feel a real physical pain, an ache that is impossible to explain to anyone.” She adds: “There are times that I think I’m going crazy. One day I feel so in control; the next day I don’t. One day I miss him; the next day I remember all the scheming and lying and humiliation.”

Anger and Anxiety

“At times,” admits one victim of infidelity, “the emotion that hits you is raw anger.” It is not just indignation about the wrong done and the injury inflicted. Rather, as one journalist explained, it is “resentment of what could have been, and was spoilt.”

Also common are feelings of low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy. Pedro confides: “You have feelings like these: ‘Am I not attractive enough? Am I in some other way deficient?’ You start to dissect yourself to find the fault.” In her book To Love, Honour and Betray, Zelda West-Meads, of the British National Marriage Guidance Council, confirms: “One of the hardest things to cope with . . . is the decimation of your self-esteem.”

Guilt and Depression

Close on the heels of these emotions usually come waves of guilt. One despondent wife says: “I think women suffer a great deal with feelings of guilt. You blame yourself and wonder: ‘What did I do wrong?’”

A betrayed husband reveals another aspect of what he calls roller-coaster emotions. He explains: “Depression becomes a new factor that sets in like bad weather.” When her husband left her, one wife recalls that not a day went by that she was not in tears. “I can clearly remember the first tear-free day some weeks after he left me,” she relates. “It was some months before I had my first tear-free week. Those tear-free days and weeks became milestones that marked my way forward.”

Double Treachery

What many do not realize is that often the adulterer has dealt a bitter double blow to his spouse. In what way? Pat gives us a clue: “It was hard for me. He was not only my husband but also my friend—my best friend—for many years.” Yes, in most cases a wife turns to her husband for support when problems arise. Now, not only has he become the cause of very traumatic problems but he has also stopped being a much-needed source of help. In one fell swoop, he has caused severe pain and robbed his wife of her trusted confidant.

As a result, the profound sense of betrayal and shattered trust is one of the most overwhelming feelings experienced by innocent mates. One marriage counselor explains why marital betrayal can be so emotionally crippling: “We invest so much of ourselves, our hopes, dreams and expectations, in marriage . . . , searching for someone we can really put our faith in, someone we feel we can always rely on. If that trust is suddenly taken away, it can be like a house of cards blown over in the wind.”

Quite clearly, as noted in the book How to Survive Divorce, victims “need help in sorting out the emotional upheaval . . . They may need help in working out what choices they can make and how to make them.” But what are those choices?

‘Is reconciliation the answer for us?’ you may wonder. ‘Or should I get a divorce?’ Especially if the marriage has been strained, it may be very tempting to conclude hastily that divorce is the solution to your problems. ‘After all,’ you may reason, ‘the Bible permits divorce on the ground of marital unfaithfulness.’ (Matthew 19:9) On the other hand, you may reason that the Bible does not insist on divorce. You may, therefore, feel that it would be better to reconcile and rebuild and strengthen the marriage.

Whether or not to divorce an unfaithful mate is a personal decision. Yet, how can you know what to do? First, please examine some of the factors that may help you to determine if reconciliation is possible.

Is Reconciliation Possible?

“It is simple to begin divorce proceedings impulsively,” observes the book “Couples in Crisis,” “and yet there must be many marriages that are essentially worthwhile and could be successful if the problems were worked through.”

THIS observation harmonizes with an age-old teaching of Jesus Christ on divorce. Although he stated that it was permissible for an innocent spouse to get a divorce on the ground of marital unfaithfulness, he did not say that doing so was compulsory. (Matthew 19:3-9) A faithful spouse may have reasons to try to save the marriage. The wrongdoer may still love his wife.a He may be a caring husband and devoted father who conscientiously provides for his family’s needs. Taking into account her own needs and those of her children, the faithful spouse may decide to reconcile rather than divorce. If so, what factors can be considered, and how can the challenges of reconstructing the marriage be met successfully?

At the outset, it has to be said that neither divorce nor reconciliation is easy. Furthermore, simply forgiving the adulterous spouse is not likely to solve underlying problems in the marriage. It usually takes much painful self-scrutiny, frank communication, and hard work to salvage a marriage. Couples often underestimate how much time and effort it takes to rebuild a damaged marriage. Nevertheless, many have persevered and have a stable marriage to show for it.

Questions to Answer

To make an informed decision, a faithful spouse needs to clarify her feelings and the options that are open to her. She might consider the following: Does he want to come back? Has he definitely ended the adulterous relationship, or is he reluctant to do so promptly? Has he said that he is sorry? If so, is he truly repentant, sincerely remorseful about what he did? Or does he tend to blame me for his wrongdoing? Does he genuinely regret the hurt he has caused? Or, rather, is he merely upset that his illicit relationship has been exposed and disrupted?

What about the future? Has he started rectifying the attitudes and actions that led up to the adultery? Is he firmly resolved not to repeat the wrong? Or does he still have a tendency to flirt and to form improper emotional bonds with the opposite sex? (Matthew 5:27, 28) Is he fully committed to rebuilding the marriage? If so, what is he doing about it? Positive answers to these questions may be a basis for believing that marital restoration is possible.

Vital Communication

“There is a frustrating of plans,” says a Bible writer, “where there is no confidential talk.” (Proverbs 15:22) This is certainly the case when the innocent mate feels a need to talk about the infidelity with her spouse. Without necessarily going into intimate details, they could have an honest and fervent discussion that may bring out the truth about what happened and clear up misconceptions. This, in turn, may help prevent the couple from drawing further apart as a result of misunderstandings and long-term resentment. Granted, both husband and wife are likely to find such discussions painful. But many have found that they are an important part of the process of restoring trust.

Another essential step to an effective reconciliation is to try to identify problem areas in the marriage—things that both spouses may need to work on. Zelda West-Meads advises: “When you’ve talked through the pain, when you’ve decided that the affair is definitely over, that you still want your marriage, work out what has gone wrong and renew [the] marriage.”

Perhaps you were taking each other for granted. Spiritual activities may have been neglected. Maybe you were not spending enough time together. Possibly you have not given as much love, tender affection, commendation, and honor as your spouse needed. Reevaluating your goals and values together will do much to bring you closer and will help prevent future unfaithfulness.

Working On Forgiveness

Despite her sincere efforts, an injured spouse may not find it easy to forgive her husband, much less the other woman. (Ephesians 4:32) It is possible, though, to work progressively toward letting go of resentment and bitterness. “The faithful partner needs to recognise that there comes a time when they have to move on,” advises one reference work. “It’s important not to keep dragging up your partner’s old sins to punish [him] every time there is an argument.”

Many spouses have found that by endeavoring to reduce and eliminate feelings of intense resentment, they have eventually ceased to feel hostility toward the offender. Doing so is a vital step in rebuilding a marriage.

Learn to Trust Again

“Will we be able to get that trust back again?” agonized one distraught wife. Her concern is valid because the adulterer’s deceit has destroyed—or at least seriously damaged—the trust. Like a precious vase, trust is easy to smash but difficult to mend. The fact is that there has to be mutual trust and respect for a relationship not only to survive but to flourish.

Usually this will involve learning to trust again. Rather than insensitively demanding to be trusted, the guilty spouse can help rebuild trust by being completely open and honest about his activities. Christians are encouraged to ‘put away falsehood and speak truth’ with one another. (Ephesians 4:25) To win back trust, you may initially “give your [spouse] an accurate itinerary of what your exact movements are,” says Zelda West-Meads. “Tell your [spouse] where you are going, when you will be back and make sure that you are where you said you are going to be.” If plans change, keep her informed.

Feelings of self-worth may take time and effort to rebuild. The guilty spouse can help by being generous with affection and commendation—telling his wife frequently that she is appreciated and loved. A respected marriage counselor advises: “Give her credit for all she does.” (Proverbs 31:31, Today’s English Version) The wife, in turn, can work on rebuilding self-confidence by focusing on things in her life that she does well.

It Takes Time

In view of the intensity of the pain caused by infidelity, it is not surprising that after many years vivid and painful recollections are still possible. However, as the hurt progressively heals, humility, patience, and endurance on the part of both will help rebuild trust and respect.—Romans 5:3, 4; 1 Peter 3:8, 9.

“The awful pain of those first few months does not last,” reassuringly states the book To Love, Honour and Betray. “[It] does eventually fade . . . Eventually you find you can go for days, weeks, months and even years without thinking about it.” As you continue applying Bible principles in your marriage and seek God’s blessing and guidance, you will no doubt experience the soothing effect of “the peace of God that excels all thought.”—Philippians 4:4-7, 9.

“Looking back,” reports Pedro, “the experience has changed the course of our lives. We still need to make a few repairs to our marriage now and again. But we’ve survived the ordeal. We’re still married. And we’re happy.”

But what if the innocent spouse does not have reason to forgive the unfaithful one? Or what if she does forgive her spouse (to the extent of letting go of resentment) and yet for sound reasons chooses to avail herself of the Biblical provision of divorce?b What demands can divorce place on an individual? We invite you to consider factors involved in divorce, as well as how some have coped.

[Footnotes]

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MEANINGFUL SUPPORT

In view of the many factors that can be considered, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of an experienced and balanced counselor. Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, have access to kind and compassionate congregation elders.—James 5:13-15.

Counselors, friends, and relatives are encouraged not to promote personal preferences or to advocate or condemn either divorce on Scriptural grounds or reconciliation. Urges one Christian woman who went through a divorce: “Just give lots of support, and let us make up our own minds about what to do.”

Counsel ought to be solidly based on the Bible. “Don’t tell them how they should or should not feel,” suggests one divorcée. “Rather, let them talk their hearts out.” Fellow feeling, brotherly affection, and tender compassion will help soothe the deep injuries caused by marital betrayal. (1 Peter 3:8) An experienced counselor noted: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.”—Proverbs 12:18.

“I needed understanding, a word of comfort, and encouragement,” reflects one faithful husband. “And my wife craved some specific direction and commendation for the effort she was making—tangible support that could help her continue.”

If after careful and prayerful contemplation a person decides to divorce or separate for a Scriptural reason, counsel should not be given in a way that makes the person feel guilty. Rather, the person can be helped to overcome unwarranted feelings of guilt.

“If you want to be a meaningful source of comfort,” said one victim, “never forget the deep human emotions involved.”

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WHY SOME STAY TOGETHER

In many communities, there are wives who have little option but to remain with an unrepentant adulterous husband. For example, some Christian wives who live in strife-torn or low-income areas have stayed with an unfaithful husband who in other respects continues to care for his household, though he may not be a believer. As a result, they have a home, needed protection, a steady income, and the relative stability of having a husband in the house—even though he may be unfaithful. They have reasoned that remaining, although not desirable or easy, has given them—in their particular circumstances—greater control of their lives than if they were to battle it out on their own.

After putting up with such a situation—sometimes for many years—some of these wives have had the joyful blessing of ultimately seeing their husbands change their ways and become faithful and loving Christian husbands.—Compare 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

Therefore, those who choose to remain with a spouse—even if he is unrepentant—should not be criticized. They have had to make an unenviable decision and should be given all the help and support they need.

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WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

Granted, in some cases an innocent mate’s imperfections may have contributed to a strained relationship, yet the Bible states that “each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire. Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin.” (James 1:14, 15) Although there may be various contributing factors, a person’s “own desire” is primarily responsible for his adultery. If a spouse’s failings cause marital problems, committing adultery is certainly not the way to solve them.—Hebrews 13:4.

Instead, marital problems can be solved when both husband and wife persevere in applying Bible principles. This includes “putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.” They should also persist in displaying such qualities as “the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering.” Most important, they should “clothe [themselves] with love, for it is a perfect bond of union.”—Colossians 3:12-15.

The Option of Divorce

“If your marriage mate dies, people understand you even if you haven’t been the best marriage mate. But if your husband leaves you—well, some think you didn’t try hard enough. Please, please, HELP!”—An Awake! reader in South Africa.

INFIDELITY and divorce can be very traumatic. Even though many have found reasons to reconcile with their mate and preserve their marriage, others have valid reasons to choose the God-given option of divorcing an adulterous mate. (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) For example, the safety, spirituality, and general well-being of a faithful wife and her children may be in jeopardy. She may also be concerned about being infected with a sexually transmitted disease. Or perhaps she has forgiven her spouse for committing adultery, but there is little basis for hoping that genuine trust can be restored and that she can continue living with him as her husband.

“This was the most difficult decision of my life,” admitted one distraught wife. A difficult decision, indeed—not only because the betrayal is so hurtful but also because divorce has far-reaching consequences that will affect her whole life. Therefore, whether or not a wife should divorce her unfaithful mate is a personal decision. The Biblical right of the innocent spouse to make that decision should be respected by others.

Tragically, though, many people rush into divorce without properly counting the cost. (Compare Luke 14:28.) What are some of the factors involved in the option of divorce?

If There Are Children

“Children’s needs are often forgotten or ignored by parents who are too absorbed in their own problems,” states the book Couples in Crisis. Thus, when contemplating divorce, keep in mind the spirituality and survival of your children. Many researchers note that the more amicable a divorce can be, the less the children are likely to suffer. Even under difficult circumstances, mildness will help a person ‘not to fight, but to be gentle toward all, keeping himself restrained under evil.’—2 Timothy 2:24, 25.a

If one chooses to divorce, it should be borne in mind that the husband and wife—not the children—are getting divorced. The children still need both Mom and Dad. Of course, there may be extreme circumstances, such as when the child is in danger of suffering child abuse. But religious or personal differences should not be used to deprive children of the benefit of having two parents.

Also to be taken into account are the fragile emotions of young children and their need for ample reassurance, love, and affection. “This continuity of love,” states one book, “will provide both a background and a foundation for them to deal with the new situation.” In addition, giving attention to their daily spiritual needs can help them maintain stability.—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7; Matthew 4:4.

Finances and Legal Proceedings

Divorce inevitably robs each spouse of a certain amount of income and property, some comforts, and maybe a much loved home. Since an individual may have to handle increased expenditure with a reduced income, it is wise to draw up a realistic budget according to financial priorities. The urge to compensate for losses and hurt feelings by spending more or incurring debt should be avoided.

If a decision is made to divorce, it is also necessary to resolve with one’s spouse how joint accounts will be handled. To prevent misuse of funds in a joint bank account, for example, it may be wise to ask the bank manager to require both spouses’ signatures for withdrawals until each has his own account.

It is also prudent to keep accurate records of income and expenses, in preparation for negotiating a maintenance settlement. Also, in many countries it is a legal requirement that people inform the tax authorities of their changed circumstances.

In addition, most people benefit from consulting a legal professional—one who has specific experience in divorce issues. Some countries allow mediators or conciliators to help couples cooperate to reach mutually acceptable and peaceful agreements, which are then ratified by a court of law. Especially where children are involved, many parents prefer to use the services of a professional who is not adversarial. Rather than win at all costs, the parents aim to minimize conflict and hurt. Certain material gains are simply not worth what it would cost emotionally and financially to get them.

Changed Relationships

“We shouldn’t underestimate the awkwardness and uncertainty that many people feel about their divorced friends,” informs one researcher. Even if the faithful spouse is acting within her legal, moral, and Scriptural rights, there may well be some who see her as the cause of the marital breakup. Their reaction may range from a cool greeting to obvious avoidance. Worse yet, open animosity may come from formerly close companions.

Many simply do not realize how much support a person needs when going through a divorce; they may be under the impression that a brief letter or a card is enough. However, there are usually friends who “have just the right touch,” notes the book Divorce and Separation, “and will call to see if you’re wanting to be accompanied anywhere, want something done or just feel like talking.” Indeed, at such a time in life, a person needs, as the Bible says, “a friend sticking closer than a brother.”—Proverbs 18:24.

Working Toward Recovery

Sixteen years after her divorce, a mother admits: “There are still times when there’s an incredible loneliness—even when I’m around people.” How does she cope? “I have built up a defense of sorts,” she recalls, “by keeping myself busy at work, looking after my son, and maintaining my house. I also started attending meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses, sharing my beliefs with my neighbors, and doing things for others. That helped a lot.”

Certain dates and times of the year may resurrect painful memories and emotions: the day the infidelity was revealed, the time he left the house, the date of the court case. Happy events the couple used to share—such as vacations and wedding anniversaries—can be difficult emotional experiences to deal with. “I handle those days by arranging to spend time with my family or with close friends who know my situation,” says Pat. “We do things that will offset thoughts of the past and make new memories. But my biggest help is my relationship with Jehovah—knowing that he understands how I feel.”

Do Not Despair

Innocent mates who apply Bible principles and choose to avail themselves of the God-given right to divorce an adulterous spouse need not feel guilty or fear that they have been abandoned by Jehovah. The treacherous course of the adulterous mate—which has caused “weeping and sighing”—is what is hated by God. (Malachi 2:13-16) Even Jehovah, the God of “tender compassion,” knows how it feels to be rejected by a loved one. (Luke 1:78; Jeremiah 3:1; 31:31, 32) Be assured, then, that “Jehovah is a lover of justice, and he will not leave his loyal ones.”—Psalm 37:28.

Of course, it would be far better if marital unfaithfulness and its tragic consequences could be avoided in the first place. The Secret of Family Happiness,b a practical family guide, is helping many people around the world to build happy marriages and avoid marital unfaithfulness. It has chapters on building a happy marriage, training children, and coping with marriage problems. Jehovah’s Witnesses in your area or the publishers of this magazine will be happy to provide more information on this subject.

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CHILDREN DO NOT DESERVE DIVORCE

In 1988 the late Diana, Princess of Wales, said that in Britain alone, every day up to 420 children go through the divorce of their parents. A third of those children are younger than five years old. Tragically, as many as 40 percent of children lose contact with one of their parents after divorce.

Contrary to what many people think, “very few children of divorcing parents welcome the breakup,” observes a respected health and medical writer. “The great majority of children would prefer to see their parents together even if the family atmosphere is difficult.” Even if at the time of the infidelity a couple argued a lot, they should not hastily conclude that ending the marriage would be better for the children. Making changes in their attitudes and behavior may make it possible for them to stay together for the good of the whole family.

“Husbands being promiscuous,” states author Pamela Winfield, “should think of the pain in their children’s eyes at the break-up of the home which will follow their foolishness.”

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DOES GOD HATE ALL DIVORCE?

“The thing that bothered me a lot,” admits Pat, “was the thought that ‘Jehovah hates a divorcing.’ Always in the back of my mind was the question, ‘Am I doing what pleases Jehovah?’”

Let us look at the context of Malachi 2:16 to answer that question. In Malachi’s time many Israelite men were divorcing their wives, possibly to marry younger, pagan women. God condemned this deceitful, treacherous conduct. (Malachi 2:13-16) Hence, what is hateful to God is the frivolous putting away of one mate so as to take another. One who deceitfully commits adultery and then either divorces his mate or pressures her to divorce him has committed a treacherous, hateful sin.

However, these verses do not condemn all divorce. This can be confirmed by Jesus’ words: “Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) Here Jesus acknowledged that fornication is an acceptable ground for a Scriptural divorce—indeed, the only acceptable ground that allows for remarriage. An innocent spouse might decide to forgive the erring marriage mate. However, a person who chooses to use Jesus’ statement as a basis for divorcing an adulterous mate is not doing something that Jehovah hates. It is the unfaithful spouse’s deceitful conduct that is hated by God.