‘Is reconciliation the answer for us?’ you may wonder. ‘Or should I get a divorce?’ Especially if the marriage has been strained, it may be very tempting to conclude hastily that divorce is the solution to your problems. ‘After all,’ you may reason, ‘the Bible permits divorce on the ground of marital unfaithfulness.’ (Matthew 19:9) On the other hand, you may reason that the Bible does not insist on divorce. You may, therefore, feel that it would be better to reconcile and rebuild and strengthen the marriage.

Whether or not to divorce an unfaithful mate is a personal decision. Yet, how can you know what to do? First, please examine some of the factors that may help you to determine if reconciliation is possible.

Is Reconciliation Possible?

“It is simple to begin divorce proceedings impulsively,” observes the book “Couples in Crisis,” “and yet there must be many marriages that are essentially worthwhile and could be successful if the problems were worked through.”

THIS observation harmonizes with an age-old teaching of Jesus Christ on divorce. Although he stated that it was permissible for an innocent spouse to get a divorce on the ground of marital unfaithfulness, he did not say that doing so was compulsory. (Matthew 19:3-9) A faithful spouse may have reasons to try to save the marriage. The wrongdoer may still love his wife.a He may be a caring husband and devoted father who conscientiously provides for his family’s needs. Taking into account her own needs and those of her children, the faithful spouse may decide to reconcile rather than divorce. If so, what factors can be considered, and how can the challenges of reconstructing the marriage be met successfully?

At the outset, it has to be said that neither divorce nor reconciliation is easy. Furthermore, simply forgiving the adulterous spouse is not likely to solve underlying problems in the marriage. It usually takes much painful self-scrutiny, frank communication, and hard work to salvage a marriage. Couples often underestimate how much time and effort it takes to rebuild a damaged marriage. Nevertheless, many have persevered and have a stable marriage to show for it.

Questions to Answer

To make an informed decision, a faithful spouse needs to clarify her feelings and the options that are open to her. She might consider the following: Does he want to come back? Has he definitely ended the adulterous relationship, or is he reluctant to do so promptly? Has he said that he is sorry? If so, is he truly repentant, sincerely remorseful about what he did? Or does he tend to blame me for his wrongdoing? Does he genuinely regret the hurt he has caused? Or, rather, is he merely upset that his illicit relationship has been exposed and disrupted?

What about the future? Has he started rectifying the attitudes and actions that led up to the adultery? Is he firmly resolved not to repeat the wrong? Or does he still have a tendency to flirt and to form improper emotional bonds with the opposite sex? (Matthew 5:27, 28) Is he fully committed to rebuilding the marriage? If so, what is he doing about it? Positive answers to these questions may be a basis for believing that marital restoration is possible.