WHAT IT MEANS

Genuine communication takes place when you and your children share a two-way exchange of thoughts and feelings.

WHY IT MATTERS

Communication can become especially challenging with teenagers. Perhaps not long ago, “it was like you had a backstage pass to your children’s lives,” says the book Breaking the Code. “Now the best you can hope for is a seat out in the audience, and it probably won’t even be a very good seat.” Contrary to appearances, when this happens children need communication the most!

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Adapt to your child’s timetable. Do so even if that means late-night conversations.

“You might feel like saying, ‘Now you want to talk? I was with you all day!’ But how can we complain if our children want to open up to us? Isn’t that what every parent hopes for?”​—Lisa.

“I like my sleep, but some of the best conversations I’ve had with my teenagers have been after midnight.”​—Herbert.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.”​—1 Corinthians 10:24.

Fight distraction. One father admits: “I sometimes find myself mentally multitasking when my children are speaking. And I’m not fooling them​—they can tell!”

If you can relate to that statement, turn off the TV and put down all devices. Focus on what your child is saying, and treat his or her concern as worthy of your full attention, no matter how trivial it may seem.

“We need to assure our children that their feelings are important to us. If they think otherwise, they will keep their concerns locked inside or turn elsewhere for help.”​—Maranda.

“Don’t overreact, even if your child’s thinking is way off center.”​—Anthony.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Pay attention to how you listen.”​—Luke 8:18.

Take advantage of informal settings. Sometimes children open up when they are not sitting face-to-face with a parent.

“We take advantage of car rides. Being side-by-side rather than across from each other has led to good discussions.”​—Nicole.

Mealtime presents another opportunity for informal conversation.

“At dinnertime each of us relates the worst thing and the best thing that happened that day. This practice unites us and lets each of us know that we don’t have to face problems alone.”​—Robin.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Be quick to listen [and] slow to speak.”​—James 1:19.

WHAT IT MEANS

The word discipline can mean to guide or to teach. At times, that includes correcting a child’s misbehavior. Often, though, it involves imparting moral training that helps a child learn to make good choices in the first place.

WHY IT MATTERS

In recent decades, discipline has all but disappeared from some households, as parents fear that correction might lower a child’s self-esteem. However, wise parents set reasonable rules and train their children to abide by them.

“Children need boundaries to help them grow into well-rounded adults. Without discipline, children are like a rudderless ship​—which will eventually go off course or even capsize.”​—Pamela.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Be consistent. If your child does not adhere to your rules, enforce consequences. On the other hand, readily commend your child when he or she complies.

“I frequently commend my children for their being obedient in a world where obedience is so rare. Commendation makes it easier for them to accept correction when it is needed.”​—Christine.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap.”​—Galatians 6:7.

Be reasonable. Balance the child’s age and competence level with the weight of the infraction. Consequences are usually most effective when they are related to the wrong​—for example, misuse of the phone might result in the loss of phone privileges for a period of time. At the same time, avoid making major issues over minor irritations.

“I try to determine if my child has been deliberately disobedient or if he just made an error in judgment. There is a difference between a serious trait that needs to be weeded out and a mistake that just needs to be pointed out.”​—Wendell.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Do not be provoking your children, so that they do not become discouraged.”​—Colossians 3:21; footnote.

Be loving. Discipline is much easier for children to accept and apply when they know that a parent’s primary motive is love.

“When our son made mistakes, we reassured him that we were proud of all the good decisions he had made in the past. We explained that the mistake wouldn’t define him as long as he made the needed correction and that we were there to help him do that.”​—Daniel.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Love is patient and kind.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4.

WHAT IT MEANS

Values are the personal standards by which you choose to live. For example, do you strive to be honest in all things? Then likely you want to instill that moral value in your children.

Values also include ethical standards. For example, a person with solid ethics is industrious, fair, and considerate of others​—traits that are best developed while a person is still young.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Train a child in the way he should go; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.”​—Proverbs 22:6, footnote.

WHY IT MATTERS

In the age of technology, moral values are essential. “Bad influences can be accessed on any mobile device at any time,” says a mother named Karyn. “Our children could be sitting right next to us while they’re watching something indecent!”

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Mature people . . . have their powers of discernment trained to distinguish both right and wrong.”​—Hebrews 5:14.

Ethical values are essential too. That includes extending simple courtesies (such as saying “please” and “thank you”) and showing concern for others​—a value that has become rare, as people seem more interested in devices than they are in people.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.”​—Luke 6:31.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

State your moral values. For example, research shows that teenagers are more likely to abstain from premarital sex if they have been given the clear message that such conduct is wrong.

TIP: Use a current event to initiate a discussion about values. For example, if the news reports a hate crime, you could say: “It’s horrible the way some people show such anger toward others. How do you think people become like that?”

“It’s a lot harder for children to choose between right and wrong if they don’t know what is right or wrong.”​—Brandon.

Teach ethical values. Even younger children can learn to say “please” and “thank you” and to show regard for others. “The more children see that they are part of something larger than themselves​—a family, a school, a community—​the more readily they perform acts of kindness that benefit everyone, not just themselves,” says the book Parenting Without Borders.

TIP: Assign chores to your children to help them learn the value of serving others.

“If our children get used to doing chores now, they won’t be shocked when they live on their own. Taking care of responsibilities will already be a part of their life.”​—Tara.

WHAT IT MEANS

Parents who set the example live by what they teach. For instance, you could hardly expect your son to be truthful if he overheard you say, “Tell him I’m not home,” when you do not want to speak to someone at the door.

“A common saying is ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ But that approach doesn’t work with children. They are like sponges that absorb everything we say and do, and they will tell us when our example isn’t consistent with what we try to teach them.”​—David.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “You, the one preaching, ‘Do not steal,’ do you steal?”​—Romans 2:21.

WHY IT MATTERS

Children and even teenagers are influenced more by their parents than by anyone else​—including their peers. That means you are in the primary position to guide your children in the right way​—provided, of course, that you practice what you preach.

“We can repeat something a hundred times and wonder if our child is listening, but the one time we don’t do as we say, the child will point it out. Children pay attention to everything we do, even when we don’t think they do.”​—Nicole.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “The wisdom from above is . . . not hypocritical.”​—James 3:17.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Examine your own standards. What type of entertainment do you watch? How do you treat your spouse and children? What kind of friends do you have? Are you thoughtful of others? In short, are you the kind of person you want your children to become?

“My husband and I don’t hold our children to a standard that we ourselves don’t live by.”​—Christine.

Apologize for your mistakes. Your children already know that you are not perfect. By saying “I’m sorry” when appropriate​—both to your spouse and to your children—​you will provide a valuable lesson in honesty and humility.

“Our children need to hear us admit when we are wrong, and they need to hear us apologize for our error. If we don’t, they will only learn to cover over their mistakes.”​—Robin.