However, Time noted that this conspiracy is crumbling at last. Why? In a word, education. It is as Asiaweek magazine put it: “All experts agree that the best defence against child abuse is public awareness.” To defend their children, parents must understand the realities of the threat. Don’t be left in the dark by misconceptions that protect child abusers and not children.​—See box below.

Educate Your Child!

Wise King Solomon told his son that knowledge, wisdom, and thinking ability could protect him “from the bad way, from the man speaking perverse things.” (Proverbs 2:10-12) Isn’t that just what children need? The FBI pamphlet Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis says this under the heading “The Ideal Victim”: “For most children sex is a taboo subject about which they receive little accurate information, especially from their parents.” Don’t let your children be “ideal victims.” Educate them about sex.a For example, no child should reach puberty unaware of how the body will change during this time. Ignorance will make them confused, ashamed​—and vulnerable.

A woman we’ll call Janet was sexually abused as a child, and years later her own two children were sexually abused. She recalls: “The way we were brought up, we never talked about sex. So I grew up embarrassed about it. It was shameful. And when I had kids, it was the same. I could talk to other people’s kids but not to my own. I think that’s unhealthy because children are vulnerable if you don’t talk to them about these things.”

Abuse prevention can be taught early. When you teach children to name such body parts as the vagina, the breasts, the anus, the penis, tell them that these places are good, they are special​—but they are private. “Other people are not allowed to handle them​—not even Mommy or Daddy—​and not even a doctor unless Mommy or Daddy is there or has said it is OK.”b Ideally, such statements should come from both parents or each adult guardian.

In The Safe Child Book, Sherryll Kraizer notes that while children should feel free to ignore, scream at, or run from an abuser, many children who are abused explain later that they didn’t want to seem rude. Children thus need to know that some grown-ups do bad things and that not even a child has to obey anyone who tells him or her to do something wrong. At such times a child has a perfect right to say no, just as did Daniel and his companions to the Babylonian adults who wanted them to eat unclean food.​—Daniel 1:4, 8; 3:16-18.

One widely recommended teaching tool is the “What if . . . ?” game. You might, for example, ask: “What if your teacher told you to hit another child? What would you do?” Or: “What if (Mommy, Daddy, a minister, a policeman) told you to jump off a tall building?” The child’s answer may be inadequate or simply wrong, but don’t correct harshly. The game need not include shock or scare tactics; in fact, experts recommend that it be played in a gentle, loving, even playful manner.

Next, teach children to fend off displays of affection that are inappropriate or that make them feel uncomfortable. Ask, for example, “What if a friend of Mommy and Daddy wanted to kiss you in a way that made you feel funny?”c It is often best to encourage the child to act out what he or she would do, making it a “Let’s pretend” game.

In the same way, children can learn to resist other tactics of abusers. For example, you might ask: “What if someone says, ‘You know, you’re my favorite. Don’t you want to be my friend?’” When the child learns to resist such ploys, discuss others. You might ask: “If someone says, ‘You don’t want to hurt my feelings, do you?’ What will you say?” Show the child how to say no through words and clear, firm body language. Remember, abusers often test how children respond to subtle advances. So a child must be taught to resist firmly and say, “I’m telling on you.”

Be Thorough in Your Training

Do not limit such training to a onetime talk. Children need much repetition. Use your own judgment in determining just how explicit the training should be. But be thorough.

Be sure, for example, to forestall any attempt by an abuser to create a secret pact. Children should know that it is never all right for an adult to ask them to keep a secret from either parent. Reassure them that it is always proper for them to tell​—even if they had promised not to. (Compare Numbers 30:12, 16.) Some abusers blackmail the child if they know that the child has disobeyed some family rule. “I won’t tell on you if you won’t tell on me” is the message. So children should know that they will never get in trouble for telling​—even under these circumstances. It is safe to tell.

Your training should also be threat-resistant. Some abusers have killed small animals in front of a child and threatened to do the same to the child’s parents. Others have warned their victim that they will abuse younger siblings. So teach children that they should always tell on an abuser, no matter what scary threats are made.

In this regard the Bible can be a helpful teaching tool. Because it so vividly stresses Jehovah’s almighty power, it can take the bite out of abusers’ threats. Children need to know that no matter what threats are made, Jehovah is able to help his people. (Daniel 3:8-30) Even when bad people hurt those Jehovah loves, he can always undo the damage afterward and make things better again. (Job, chapters 1, 2; 42:10-17; Isaiah 65:17) Assure them that Jehovah sees everything, including the people who do bad things and the good people who do their best to resist them.​—Compare Hebrews 4:13.

Cautious as Serpents

It is the rare pedophile who uses physical force to molest a child. They generally prefer to befriend children first. Jesus’ advice to be “cautious as serpents” is thus appropriate. (Matthew 10:16) Close supervision by loving parents is one of the best safeguards against abuse. Some molesters look for a child alone in a public place and strike up a conversation to spark the child’s curiosity. (“Do you like motorcycles?” “Come see the puppies out in my truck.”) True, you cannot be with your children at all times. And child-care experts recognize that children need some freedom to move around. But wise parents are cautious about granting children too much freedom prematurely.

Make sure you get to know well any adults or older youths who are close to your children, using extra caution when deciding who should care for your children in your absence. Be wary of baby-sitters who make your children feel funny or ill at ease. Likewise, beware of teenagers who seem to have an excessive interest in younger children and have no friends their own age. Thoroughly check out day-care facilities and schools. Tour the entire premises and interview the staff, observing carefully how they interact with children. Ask if they mind if you drop in to check on your children at unexpected times; if this is not allowed, look elsewhere.​—See Awake! of December 8, 1987, pages 3-11.

The sad truth is, however, that not even the best of parents can control everything that happens to their children.​—Ecclesiastes 9:11.

If parents work together, there is one thing they can control: the home environment. And since the home is where most child abuse occurs, that will be the focus of the next article.

Moral Laws

Does Bible law have an impact on your family? For instance, Leviticus 18:6 reads: “You people must not come near, any man of you, to any close fleshly relative of his to lay bare nakedness. I am Jehovah.” Similarly the Christian congregation today enforces strong laws against all forms of sexual abuse. Anyone who sexually abuses a child risks being disfellowshipped, put out of the congregation.a​—1 Corinthians 6:9, 10.

All families should know and review such laws together. Deuteronomy 6:6, 7 urges: “And these words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” Inculcating these laws means more than occasionally lecturing your children. It involves a regular give-and-take discussion. From time to time, both mother and father should reaffirm God’s laws on incest and the loving reasons for these laws.

You might also use such stories as that of Tamar and Amnon, David’s children, to show children that in sexual matters there are boundaries that no one​—close relatives included—​should ever cross.​—Genesis 9:20-29; 2 Samuel 13:10-16.

Respect for these principles can be shown even in practical living arrangements. In one Oriental country, research has shown that much incest occurs in families where children sleep with parents even when there is no economic necessity for this. Similarly, it is generally unwise to have opposite-sex siblings share a bed or a room as they grow older, if this is at all avoidable. Even when cramped living conditions are a fact of life, parents should use good judgment in deciding on where each family member should sleep.

Bible law forbids drunkenness, suggesting that it can lead to perversion. (Proverbs 23:29-33) According to one study, some 60 to 70 percent of incest victims reported that their abusing parent had been drinking when the abuse started.

A Loving Family Head

Researchers find that abuse is more common among families with domineering husbands. The widely held view that women exist merely to fulfill male needs is Scripturally wrong. Some men use this unchristian opinion to justify turning to a daughter for anything they cannot get from a wife. This type of oppression can cause women in these circumstances to lose their emotional balance. Many lose even the natural urge to protect their own children. (Compare Ecclesiastes 7:7.) One study, on the other hand, found that when workaholic fathers were largely absent from the home setting, sometimes mother-son sexual abuse has festered.

What about your family? Do you as husband take the role of head seriously, or do you abdicate it to your wife? (1 Corinthians 11:3) Do you treat your wife with love, honor, and respect? (Ephesians 5:25; 1 Peter 3:7) Do her views count? (Genesis 21:12; Proverbs 31:26, 28) And what about your children? Do you see them as precious? (Psalm 127:3) Or do you view them as mere burdens, readily exploitable? (Compare 2 Corinthians 12:14.) Eliminate warped, unscriptural views of family roles in your household, and you will make it more resistant to abuse.

An Emotionally Safe Place

One young woman whom we’ll call Sandi says: “My whole family was set up for abuse. It was isolated, and each member was isolated from the other.” Isolation, rigidity, and obsessive secrecy​—these unhealthy, unscriptural attitudes are trademarks of the abusive household. (Compare 2 Samuel 12:12; Proverbs 18:1; Philippians 4:5.) Create a home atmosphere that is emotionally safe for children. Home should be a place where they feel built up, where they feel free to open their hearts and speak freely.

Also, children have a great need for physical expressions of love​—hugging, caressing, handholding, romping. Do not overreact to the dangers of sexual abuse by withholding these demonstrations of love. Teach children through open, warm affection and praise that they are valued. Sandi remembers: “My mom’s view was that to give anyone any commendation for anything was wrong. It would give you a big head.” Sandi suffered at least ten years of sexual abuse in silence. Children who are not secure in the knowledge that they are beloved, worthwhile individuals may be more susceptible to an abuser’s praise, his “affection,” or his threats to withdraw it.

A pedophile who sexually abused hundreds of boys over a 40-year period admitted that the boys who had an emotional need for a friend like him made the “best” victims. Don’t create such a need in your child.

Break the Cycle of Abuse

Under severe trial Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 10:1) Likewise, many parents have found that they can help their children by helping themselves. The Harvard Mental Health Letter noted recently: “Strong social sanctions against the expression of pain by men apparently perpetuate the cycle of abuse.” It seems that men who never get to express their pain about having been sexually abused are more likely to become abusers themselves. The Safe Child Book reports that most child molesters were themselves sexually abused as children but never got help to recover. They express their pain and anger by abusing other children.b​—See also Job 7:11; 32:20.

The risk to children may also be higher when mothers do not come to terms with past abuse. For example, researchers report that women who were sexually abused as girls often marry men who are child abusers. Furthermore, if a woman has not come to terms with past abuse, she may understandably find it difficult to discuss abuse with her children. If abuse occurs, she may be less able to discern it and take positive action. Then the children pay an awful price for the mother’s inaction.

Thus, abuse may pass from one generation to the next. Of course, many individuals who choose not to discuss their painful past seem able to cope well enough in life, and that is commendable. But in many the pain is deeper, and they do need to make a concerted effort​—including, if necessary, seeking competent professional help—​to heal such severe childhood wounds. Their goal is not to wallow in self-pity. They want to break this sick, hurtful cycle of child abuse affecting their family.​—See Awake! of October 8, 1991, pages 3 to 11.

The End of Abuse

Properly applied, the foregoing information can do much to reduce the chances of child abuse in your home. Remember, though, that abusers work in secrecy, they take advantage of trust, and they use adult tactics on innocent children. Inevitably, then, some of them do seem to get away with their disgusting crimes.

However, rest assured that God sees what they do. (Job 34:22) Unless they repent and change, he will not forget their vile acts. He will bring them out into the open in his due time. (Compare Matthew 10:26.) And he will exact justice. Jehovah God promises a time when all such treacherous people will be ‘torn away from the earth,’ and only the meek and gentle who love God and fellowman will be allowed to remain. (Proverbs 2:22; Psalm 37:10, 11, 29; 2 Peter 2:9-12) We have that marvelous hope of a new world thanks to the ransom sacrifice of Jesus Christ. (1 Timothy 2:6) Then, and only then, will abuse end forever.

In the meantime we must do all we can to protect our children. They are so precious! Most parents will readily put their own safety at risk in order to protect their little children. (Compare John 15:13.) If we don’t protect our children, the consequences can be horrible. If we do, we give them a wonderful gift​—a childhood that feels innocent and free from calamity. They can feel just as the psalmist did, who wrote: “I will say to Jehovah: ‘You are my refuge and my stronghold, my God, in whom I will trust.’”​—Psalm 91:2.