Why Some Children Are So Difficult

“Genetic influences, brain chemistry, and neurological development contribute strongly to who we are as children and what we become as adults.”​—STANLEY TURECKI, M.D.

EACH child grows in his or her own unique, distinctive way. Children display a host of traits and moods that seem to be inborn​—traits that parents may have little or no control over. It is true that rambunctious, restless, and disruptive children have always been around. The best of parents can have a child that is difficult to raise.

But why are certain children so much more difficult and challenging to raise? The number of children who are experiencing serious behavioral problems is on the increase. There is general agreement among clinicians and researchers that from 5 to 10 percent of all children exhibit extreme restlessness and that the inability of these children to pay attention, concentrate, follow rules, and control impulses creates numerous difficulties for them and for their family, their teachers, and their peers.

Dr. Bennett Shaywitz, professor of pediatrics and neurology at Yale University Medical School, zeros in on what may be a key problem: “inherited disturbances in certain chemicals in the brain’s neurotransmitter systems,” which regulate brain cell function and facilitate how the brain regulates behavior. Whatever makes the child difficult to raise, the parents’ priority should be to become adept at effectively managing their youngster’s behavior, providing encouragement and support rather than criticism and disapproval.

In Bible times, parents were the ones responsible for the education and the training of their children. They knew that discipline and instruction in God’s laws would make their child wise. (Deuteronomy 6:6, 7; 2 Timothy 3:15) Therefore, it is the parents’ God-​given responsibility to expend as much effort as possible, despite busy schedules, to meet a child’s needs, especially reacting in a positive way to negative behavior. Inasmuch as many of the behavioral problems seen in pediatric practice today involve children who are hyperactive, impulsive, or inattentive, a discussion of ADD and ADHD as factors in hard-​to-​raise children may be helpful.a

In the 1950’s, these disorders were called “minimal brain dysfunction.” That terminology ceased being used, according to pediatric neurologist Dr. Jan Mathisen, when findings reflected that “ADD is not brain damage at all.” Dr. Mathisen says: “ADD is an apparent defect in certain areas of the brain. We’re still not sure of the precise neurochemical problems involved, but we do feel that there is involvement with a chemical in the brain called dopamine.” He believes the problem involves dopamine regulation. “It’s probably not one single chemical, but a relationship among several chemicals,” he added.

Although there are still many unanswered questions as to the cause of ADD, researchers generally agree with Dr. Mathisen that chronically poor regulation of attention, of impulsivity, and of motor activity is neurological in origin. Recently a study conducted by Dr. Alan Zametkin and researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health, in the United States, traced ADD for the first time to a specific metabolic abnormality in the brain, although it was acknowledged that “a great deal more research has to be done to reach more definitive answers.”

School Presents a Real Challenge

School is usually very difficult for children who are chronically inattentive, distractible, impulsive, or overly active, since the demands on concentration and for staying quiet increase tremendously in the schoolroom setting. Because such children find it so difficult to stay focused on anything for very long, what else is there for them to do but be maddeningly overactive? For some, their lack of attention is so severe that they cannot keep up normal learning, whether at home or at school. Their receiving discipline for being either the class terror or the class clown is not unusual, since they have difficulty controlling their behavior and evaluating the consequences of their actions.

Ultimately, they develop a poor self-​image, perhaps labeling themselves “bad” and “stupid” and acting accordingly. Getting failing grades no matter how hard they try, these children are susceptible to chronic self-​perpetuating failure.

Bewildered, parents become very anxious and confused by their child’s disruptive behavior. At times marital discord results, each parent blaming the other for the situation. Many parents spend a good deal of time angrily harping on the bad and forgetting the good. Therefore, their responses to negative behavior patterns cause more negative interaction. Thus the family, and to some extent others who interact with the child, become locked in a power struggle that is the result of their not understanding and not managing the behavior of a difficult child​—a child with, or without, Attention Deficit Disorder.

A Mother’s Personal Experience With Ronnie

“From the moment Ronnie came into the world, he was never happy but was constantly irritable and crying. Allergic, he had skin rashes, ear infections, and constant diarrhea.

“Ronnie’s early motor skills developed well, though, and he was very quick to sit up, stand, and then walk​—or should I say run? I hurried to do all my housework during his nap times because when my little ‘tornado’ woke up, I would be busy trying to keep him from damaging himself and the house as he raced around getting into anything that struck his fancy, and most things did!

“He had a very short attention span. Nothing occupied him for very long. He hated to sit still. Of course, this was a problem when we took him any place where he was expected to sit still​—especially congregation meetings. It was useless to spank him for not sitting quietly. He just couldn’t. Many well-​meaning people complained or gave us advice, but nothing worked.

“Ronnie was bright, so when he was about the age of three, we started a daily short-​session reading program with him. By the time he was five, he could read quite well. Then he went to school. After about a month, I received a request to come in and talk to the teacher. She told me that when she first saw Ronnie, she thought he looked like an angel, but after having him in her class for a month, she now thought he was from the other place! She informed me that he was always jumping, tripping other kids, or pulling on them. He wouldn’t be quiet or sit still, and he disturbed the entire class. He lacked self-​control. She also noted that a rebellious attitude was developing. It was recommended that he be put in a special education class and that we take him to a doctor to get a prescription for a drug to calm him down. We were devastated!

“Medicine was not the appropriate choice for Ronnie, but the pediatrician gave us some practical suggestions. It was his opinion that Ronnie was bright and bored; he therefore suggested that we keep Ronnie busy, that we give him love and more love, and that we be patient and positive. He thought Ronnie would become less of a problem with age and a change of diet.

“We realized that our son needed to be worked with carefully, that he needed to be helped to learn to channel his energy in a positive way. This would take lots of time; therefore, we changed our daily schedules, spending many hours working with him on schoolwork, patiently teaching and explaining things to him. We ceased using negative words or blaming him for his thoughtlessness and mischief. Our aim was to build up his low self-​esteem. We discussed rather than ordered and demanded. If there were any decisions that involved him, we asked for his opinion.

“Some things that come naturally to other children did not come easily to Ronnie. For instance, he had to learn how to be patient, how to be calm, how to sit still, and how to control his exaggerated physical activity. But it was controllable. Once he understood that he had to make a conscious effort to slow down and think about what he was doing, or going to do, he began to get it all together. By age 13, his behavior was normal. Happily, everything went smoothly from then on, even during the usually rebellious teenage years.

“The dividends from giving Ronnie lots of love, and equal amounts of time and patience, have paid off handsomely!”

[Footnotes]

Parenting a Difficult Child

“DID you have a nice day?” Susan asks her son Jimmy when he clambers into the car as she picks him up from school. Frowning, he ignores her. “Oh, you must have had a bad day,” she states sympathetically. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Leave me alone,” he grumbles in reply.

“I’m just worried about you. You seem so unhappy. I want to help.”

“I don’t want your help!” he screams. “Leave me alone! I hate you. I wish I was dead!”

“Jimmy!” Susan gasps, “don’t talk to me like that or​—or I’ll spank you! I was only trying to be nice. I don’t understand what’s the matter with you. Nothing I say or do pleases you.”

Flustered and frazzled from her own day’s work, Susan weaves through traffic wondering how she ever managed to acquire such a child. She feels confused, helpless, and angry, as well as resentful toward her own son, and feelings of guilt hammer at her. Susan dreads taking him home​—her own child. She almost doesn’t want to know what happened today at school. No doubt the teacher would call again. Sometimes Susan just could not cope.

Thus seemingly simple incidents erupt into powerful emotional ordeals fraught with anxiety. Children who are ADD/​ADHD, or are otherwise labeled “difficult,” characteristically react quite vehemently when confronted with problems. They tend quickly to reach an explosive state, leaving parents angry, bewildered, and ultimately spent.

Evaluation and Intervention

Typically, these children are bright, creative, and keenly sensitive. It is important to realize that they are healthy children with extraordinary needs, consequently requiring a special depth of understanding. Following are some principles and ideas that parents of such children have found successful.

First, it is necessary to learn to recognize the situations and the stimuli that upset the child. (Compare Proverbs 20:5.) It is essential for the parent to observe the signals in the child that precede emotional confrontations and to intervene promptly. A key indicator is the facial expression that reflects a rising frustration level and an inability to handle a given situation. Issuing kind verbal reminders that the child needs to control himself or, if necessary, removing him from the situation may help. Time-​outs, for example, are effective, not so much as a form of punishment but as a way to give both the child and the parent a chance to regain calm and then to proceed rationally.

In the illustration given, Jimmy overreacted to simple questions. This is typical everyday behavior for Jimmy. Although it is easy for a parent to take this anger and resentment personally, it is essential to realize that these children often lose comprehension (reasoning) once they have reached their stress-​tolerance level. Therefore, it is important to act with insight. (Proverbs 19:11) In Jimmy’s case, Susan could defuse the situation by backing off and giving her boy time to control himself, and perhaps later they could discuss the day’s events.

Stressed-​Out Kids

Never before has the family of man been confronted with such enormous problems, pressures, and anxieties as those that afflict the modern world. Times are different, the demands are more intense, and more is required of children. Concerning this issue, the book Good Kids, Bad Behavior relates: “Many of the problems which children seem to be experiencing may be either caused or influenced by changing social expectations.” For ADD/​ADHD children, school can be a nightmare. As they struggle to cope with their own inadequacies, they are forced to adapt to an explosion of technological advances that rapidly continue to change in an atmosphere that can appear to be both hostile and dangerous, adding to their anxiety. Emotionally, children are too immature to handle all these problems. They need their parents’ help.

Reduce the Friction

In order to have happier, healthier children, it is important to provide an environment of order and stability. An effective plan for reducing friction in the home might begin with a simplified life-​style. Since these children are impulsive, distractible, and overactive, it is necessary to reduce the negative effect of overstimulation. Cut down on the amount of toys that such children are allowed to play with at one time. Attempt only one chore or project at a time until it is completed. Since these children are often disorganized themselves, organization minimizes frustration. The fewer and the more accessible the items that they have to keep up with, the easier it is to manage what is important.

Another effective way of reducing stress in the home is to implement a structured, not rigid, routine, providing children with a sense of stability. The time schedule is not as crucial as the sequence, the order in which events occur. This might be achieved by applying practical suggestions such as the following. Provide proper nutrition with simple well-​balanced meals and snacks at regular times. Make bedtime rituals warm, loving, and relaxing. Shopping trips can overstimulate highly active children, so plan ahead and try not to go to too many stores. And when on an outing, explain what kind of behavior you expect. Definite routines help the child with special needs to control his own impulsive behavior. Furthermore, it helps to establish parental predictability.

Along with a sense of structure, it is beneficial to formulate a system of rules and to include the consequences for breaking nonnegotiable rules. Defined rules that are consistent, as well as agreeable to both mates, set the perimeters of acceptable behavior for children​—and also teach accountability. Post a list of rules in a prominent place, if needed (for the parent to remember, as well as the child). Consistency is the key to emotional security.

Understanding a child’s preferences, his likes and dislikes, and adapting to them can do much to alleviate unnecessary pressure in the home. Because the special nature of these children is often erratic and impulsive, their interacting with other children can be a very difficult experience. Sharing, especially toys, might be a particular point of conflict, so parents might allow such children to choose favorite items that can be shared. Further, regulating their level of stimulation by providing them with a small group of playmates and creating activities that will not overexcite may also help to control their low sensory threshold.

It is important for parents to allow each child to grow in his or her own way and to avoid compressing or molding the child to unnecessary conformity. If a child detests a certain food or article of clothing, eliminate it. These little thorns of irritation are simply not worth the conflict. In effect, don’t attempt to control everything. Be balanced, but when decisions are made as to what is acceptable to a Christian family, stick to them.

Behavior Management

Unpredictable children tend to require a higher degree of management. As a result, many parents are plagued with guilt if they have to discipline frequently. It is important to discern, however, the distinction between discipline and abuse. According to the book A Fine Line​—When Discipline Becomes Child Abuse, reportedly 21 percent of all physical abuse occurs when children exhibit aggressive behavior. Hence, research concludes that children who are ADD/​ADHD are at “greater risk of physical abuse and neglect.” Undeniably, raising youngsters who have special needs can be stressful, but their management must be healthy and balanced. Since these children are usually highly intelligent and very creative, they pose a challenge to parents handling situations that require reasoning. Such children often have a way of pointing up the flaws in a parent’s most brilliant logic. Don’t let them! Retain the authority as the parent.

In a friendly way, but firmly, make explanations brief; in other words, don’t overexplain, and do not negotiate nonnegotiable rules. Let your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no. (Compare Matthew 5:37.) Children are not diplomats; consequently, negotiations with them lead to arguments, anger, and frustration and can even escalate into screaming and violence. (Ephesians 4:31) Similarly, avoid warning too much. If discipline is called for, it should be given promptly. The book Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World urges: “Calm, confident, and firm​—that’s what authority is all about.” Further, note the excellent suggestions in The German Tribune: “Always talk to the child in such a way as to hold its attention: use its name often, keep eye-​to-​eye contact and use simple language.”

Abuse occurs when parents lose control. If a parent is screaming, he or she has already lost control. Proverbs chapter 15 addresses the subject of child-​rearing and discipline. For example, Pr 15 verse 4 states: “The calmness of the tongue is a tree of life, but distortion in it means a breaking down in the spirit”; Pr 15 verse 18: “An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling”; and, finally, Pr 15 verse 28: “The heart of the righteous one meditates so as to answer.” Hence, it is important to recognize not only what we say but how we say it, as well.

Commendation, Not Condemnation

Because hard-​to-​raise children do things that are creative, strange, even maniacal, it’s easy for the parents to give in to faultfinding, ridiculing, berating, and striking out in anger. However, according to Today’s English Version, the Bible at Ephesians 6:4 instructs parents to bring up children with “Christian discipline and instruction.” How did Jesus discipline erring ones? Jesus used instructive discipline that trained and taught people, dealing with them fairly and firmly. Discipline is a process, a method of instruction, that, when dealing with children, usually has to be done over and over again.​—See the article “The Bible’s Viewpoint . . . ‘The Rod of Discipline’​—Is It Out-​of-​Date?,” in the September 8, 1992, Awake!

Proper discipline creates an environment of trust, warmth, and stability; therefore, when discipline is necessary, it should be administered with explanations. There are no instant solutions when training children, since children learn gradually, over time. It takes a lot of caring and loving, a lot of time and work, to raise properly any child, especially a difficult-​to-​raise child. The following little saying may be helpful to remember: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you will do.”

One of the most frustrating aspects of the problem of dealing with children who have worrisome behavior is their inordinate craving for attention. Too often the attention that they receive is negative rather than positive. However, be quick to notice, commend, or reward good behavior or a job well done. This is very encouraging to a child. At first your efforts might seem exaggerated, but they are well worth the results. Children need small but immediate rewards.

A Father’s Experience With Greg

“Our son Greg was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of five, when he was in kindergarten. At that time we saw a developmental pediatrician who confirmed that Greg was definitely ADHD. He told us: ‘It’s not his fault, and it’s not your fault. He can’t help it, but you can.’

“We think of those words often, because they bring home to us that as parents we have a great responsibility to help our son cope with his ADHD. That day the doctor sent us home with literature to read, and we believe the knowledge we have gained in the past three years has been very important in fulfilling our parental responsibilities toward Greg.

“It’s vitally important in raising an ADHD child to reinforce appropriate behavior and to provide warnings and, if necessary, a penalty for misbehavior. The more structured and consistent you can be, the better the results you will see. These simple statements are probably a key factor in raising an ADHD child. Yet, because you need to do it so many times a day, it’s easier said than done.

“A device we have found most effective is the time-​out. Whenever we use time-​outs to change a misbehavior, we also institute a program of reinforcement to encourage more positive behavior. This reinforcer can be a word of approval, a hug, or even a token or privilege. We went to a store and bought a sticker chart. We put at the top what the appropriate behavior is. Each time we see Greg in the appropriate behavior, we give him a sticker to put on his chart. When the chart is full, say 20 stickers, he gets a reward. This is usually something he really enjoys doing, such as going to a park. It’s helpful because it motivates him to do well. He puts the stickers on and can see how he is doing and how close he is to a reward.

“Another tool we have found effective is to give Greg choices. Instead of a direct command, we give a choice. Either he can do the appropriate behavior or he can get the logical consequence. This teaches responsibility and the making of proper decisions. If it’s something that is continually a problem, such as acting up in a store or a restaurant, we can use the sticker chart with a reward. He thus sees benefit in the appropriate behavior, and we show our recognition of his improvements.

“Most people are not aware that ADHD affects the child’s ability to regulate his or her behavior and responses. Many people believe that these children could control their attention span and their behavior if they tried harder, and when they fail, the parents are blamed.

“It is physically impossible for an ADHD child to sit still for two hours in a congregation meeting at the Kingdom Hall. We will never forget how Greg at the mere age of five years old used to cry before every meeting and ask us, ‘Is this a long meeting or a short meeting?’ He would cry very hard when it was a two-​hour meeting because he knew he couldn’t sit still that long. We have to make allowances for the disorder and the limitations it brings. We know that Jehovah understands the disorder better than anyone, and that’s a source of comfort. At this point Greg is not on medication and is at his grade level.

“Making Jehovah our hope and keeping our eyes focused on the new world sustain us. Our hope already means a lot to Greg. He gets really excited, even teary-​eyed, when he thinks of how Jehovah will do away with ADHD in the Paradise earth.”

[Box on page 9]

Possible rewards for good behavior:

1. PRAISE​—verbal commendation for a job well done; expressed appreciation for good behavior, accompanied with love, hugs, and warmth in facial expressions.

2. CHART SYSTEM​—prominently displayed, with attractive stickers or stars to encourage good behavior.

3. LIST OF GOOD THINGS​—of acceptable and praiseworthy accomplishment. Each time the child does something well, no matter how small at first, write it down, and read it to a family member.

4. BEHAVIOR BAROMETER​—depending on the age of the child, adding beans or jelly beans to a jar when the child does something well (tangible reinforcement). The object is to establish a point system for granting a reward that might include something that the family was going to do anyway, such as going to a movie, skating, or eating at a restaurant. Rather than stressing to the child: “If you don’t behave, we won’t go,” try: “If you do behave, we will go.” The key is to change negative thinking into positive thinking, while allowing a reasonable time for change to take place.

[Picture on page 7]

Conversations can sometimes flare up emotionally

[Picture on page 8]

When decisions are made, explain them, and stick with them

[Picture on page 10]

He proudly adds a new sticker to his chart

When More Is Needed

ALTHOUGH many of the suggestions in the preceding articles can be very helpful, sometimes more assistance is needed in specific circumstances. Case studies include, for example, reports of children who are not only impulsive but also very dangerous. These children, even though cared for by loving families, manifest their destructive behavior by smashing things, screaming at people, starting fires, shooting guns, stabbing with knives (if available), and harming animals, other people, or themselves, if it happens to cross their minds to do so. In essence, they epitomize chaos.

Whether or not to obtain medical assistance, in order to have the best care for their child, is a private personal decision to make. Each family must decide how to meet the distinctive individual needs of their child, having in mind the comforting assurance given to parents at Proverbs 22:6.

One of the most controversial treatments, currently, is the issue of medication. The most frequently prescribed drug, Ritalin, has had mixed results. Many families have been well pleased with the progress of their child while he is on Ritalin or other activity-​modifying drugs. However, current debate continues, not only about the usefulness of these drugs but about the overprescription of them. In fact, some doctors challenge their value entirely, stating, for example, that Ritalin used for extended periods can have many harmful side effects. It must be emphasized again, however, that many families and doctors cite few side effects with improved behavior and academic progress. Interestingly, many adults who have been diagnosed as having ADD and who are currently on medication are also happy with the results. Medication is, therefore, a private decision based on careful research and evaluation.

For those who have attempted medication with poor results, there are alternative methods of treatment. Many families have read about and recorded good results with vitamin and herbal treatments or a combination of both. As noted earlier, ADD/​ADHD may be caused in some instances by biochemical imbalances in the brain that these treatments are believed to help correct.

Additionally, there are other factors that some believe trigger many of the problems associated with ADD/​ADHD. Dr. Doris Rapp, in her book Is This Your Child?, states that “some children have physical illness and/​or emotional, behavioral, and learning problems that are partly or mainly related to allergies or environmental exposures.” Also, reactions to dyes, sugars, and additives may actually mimic these problems with violent tantrums, mood swings, and insomnia.

Many families have learned how to modify their children’s behavior, yet their academic performance can create additional problems. For some, special services such as tutors, counseling, support groups, and special teachers may help. Because these children tend to do better in a one-​on-​one arrangement, some families, at their doctor’s suggestion, have reported success with home schooling.

Not to be overlooked are many new educational projects, such as Dr. Mel Levine’s Schools Attuned, which celebrates individual uniqueness and diversity of children. Dr. Levine’s program advocates custom designing education to meet the needs of every child. Wherever this diversified approach to learning has been implemented in the United States, the results seem to have been good.

The Future

Raising children might be likened to purchasing a new home. Both require a lifetime investment; however, because of circumstances, prospective buyers may be forced to settle for less than the ideal. Similarly, imperfect parents raising imperfect children in Satan’s world are forced to settle for less than the ideal. The newly purchased home might have unusual or undesirable features, but with work and a little imagination, many awkward features can be practically eliminated. Even a difficult architectural feature may soon become the focal point of the home.

Likewise, if parents adapt to the individual needs of their unusual child, he or she can become a beautiful part of their lives. Each child must be appreciated for his own qualities. Therefore, focus on the positive. Rather than stifling children, encourage each one’s creativity, and appreciate that he or she is a worthy person deserving of dignity and love​—a precious gift from Jehovah God.​—Psalm 127:3-5.