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Six Lessons Children Need to Learn

How would you like your child to be known as an adult?

• Controlled

• Humble

• Resilient

• Responsible

• Mature

• Honest

Children will not develop these traits on their own. They need your guidance.

This magazine will discuss six essential lessons that you can teach your children​—lessons that will prepare them for adulthood.

WHAT IS SELF-CONTROL?

Self-control includes the ability to

• delay gratification

• restrain impulses

• complete unpleasant tasks

• put others before self

WHY IS SELF-CONTROL IMPORTANT?

Children who have greater self-control can resist temptation, even if the temptation promises short-term rewards. In contrast, children with less self-control may be more likely to

• be aggressive

• suffer depression

• smoke or abuse alcohol or drugs

• make poor choices in what they eat

One study found that children with greater self-control were less likely, as adults, to have health issues, financial stress, and problems with the law. That study led Professor Angela Duckworth of the University of Pennsylvania to conclude: “There may be no such thing as ‘too much’ self-control.”

HOW TO TEACH SELF-CONTROL

Learn to say no and mean it.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no.”​—Matthew 5:37.

Young children might test a parent’s resolve by throwing a tantrum​—perhaps even in public. If the parent gives in, the child learns that tantrums are an effective way to get a no changed to a yes.

On the other hand, if the parent says no and means it, the child learns a basic fact of life​—that we cannot always get what we want. “Ironically, people who learn that lesson seem to be the most fulfilled,” writes Dr. David Walsh. “We’re not doing our kids any favors when we teach them that the world will always serve up whatever they want on a silver platter.”a

Saying no to your child now will help him to say no to himself later in life​—for example, if he is tempted to take drugs, have premarital sex, or engage in other harmful practices.

Help your children to understand consequences, both good and bad.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap.”​—Galatians 6:7.

Your child needs to understand that actions have consequences and that a lack of self-control will therefore have undesirable results. For example, if your son typically loses his temper when he gets upset, others may tend to avoid him. On the other hand, if he develops the ability to restrain himself when provoked​—or to wait patiently rather than interrupt—​people will be drawn to him. Help your child understand that he is more likely to have good outcomes when he practices self-restraint.

Teach your child to prioritize.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Make sure of the more important things.”​—Philippians 1:10.

Self-control is not just a matter of holding back from doing wrong; it includes doing what is necessary, even when this is not particularly exciting or fun. It is important for your child to learn how to establish priorities and stick to them. Have your child do the important things first. For example, he should put homework before recreation.

Be a good role model.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “I set the pattern for you, that just as I did to you, you should also do.”​—John 13:15.

Your child will see how you respond to unpleasant or frustrating situations. Demonstrate by your example that self-control leads to better outcomes. For example, when your child tests your patience, do you react with anger or do you remain calm?

WHAT IS HUMILITY?

Humble people are respectful. They do not behave arrogantly, nor do they expect others to treat them as special. Rather, a person with humility takes genuine interest in others and is willing to learn from them.

Sometimes humility is misjudged as a weakness. In reality, it is a strength that helps people recognize their faults and acknowledge their limitations.

WHY IS HUMILITY IMPORTANT?

• Humility benefits relationships. “Overall, humble people are more connected to others,” says the book The Narcissism Epidemic. It adds that such people find it “easier to relate to other people and the wider world.”

• Humility benefits your child’s future. Learning to be humble will help your child both now and later in life​—for example, when seeking employment. “The young person with bloated self-esteem, unaware of her own deficiencies, is unlikely to do well in the job interview,” writes Dr. Leonard Sax. “But the young person who is genuinely interested in what the recruiter has to say is more likely to get the job.”a

HOW TO TEACH HUMILITY

Encourage a balanced view of self.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he is deceiving himself.”​—Galatians 6:3.

• Avoid misleading maxims. Sayings like “All your dreams can come true” and “You can be anything that you want to be” might sound inspiring, but they often do not prove true in real life. Your children will likely be more successful if they have reasonable goals and work hard to achieve them.

• Praise specific actions. Simply telling a child that he or she is “awesome” does not encourage humility. Be specific.

• Limit your child’s use of social media. Often, social media is linked with self-promotion​—broadcasting a person’s talents and accomplishments—​the very opposite of humility.

• Encourage your child to apologize quickly. Help your child to see where he is wrong and to acknowledge it.

Promote gratitude.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Show yourselves thankful.”​—Colossians 3:15.

• Gratitude for creation. Children should appreciate nature and how much we depend on it for survival. We need air to breathe, water to drink, and food to eat. Use these examples to instill appreciation, awe, and gratitude for the wonders of the natural world.

• Gratitude for people. Remind your child that everyone is superior to him in one way or another and that instead of being jealous of others’ skills and abilities, he can learn from them.

• Expressing gratitude. Teach your children to say “thank you,” not just with words but with genuine appreciation. A grateful spirit has been called a building block of humility.

Teach your children that there is value in serving others.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “With humility consider others superior to you, as you look out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.”​—Philippians 2:3, 4.

• Expect your child to do chores. Exempting your child from family chores might give him the message, ‘You are too important to do this!’ Family duties should come first, and playing second. Point out how chores benefit others and how others will appreciate and respect him for doing them.

• Emphasize that serving others is a privilege. Doing so is a primary way to develop maturity. Therefore, encourage your child to identify those in need. Discuss with him what he can do to help them. Commend and support your child as he serves others.

WHAT IS RESILIENCE?

A resilient person bounces back from obstacles and disappointments. This skill is acquired through experience. Just as a child cannot learn how to walk without an occasional fall, he cannot learn how to succeed in life without experiencing occasional setbacks.

WHY IS RESILIENCE IMPORTANT?

Some children get discouraged when they meet with failure, adversity, or criticism. Others give up entirely. However, they need to understand the following facts:

• Failure is inevitable in some endeavors.​—James 3:2.

• Adversity affects everyone at some point.​—Ecclesiastes 9:11.

• Correction is vital for learning.​—Proverbs 9:9.

Resilience will help your child face life’s challenges with confidence.

HOW TO TEACH RESILIENCE

When your child fails.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “The righteous one may fall seven times, and he will get up again.”​—Proverbs 24:16.

Help your child put things in perspective. For example, what would he do if he failed a test at school? He might give up, saying, “I can’t do anything right!”

To teach resilience, help your child work out a strategy that will help him to improve. In this way, he will take charge of the problem rather than become a victim of it.

At the same time, avoid fixing the problem for your child. Instead, help him create his own plan. You might ask him, “What can you do to improve your understanding of the subject that is being taught?”

When adversity strikes.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “You do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.”​—James 4:14.

Life is unpredictable. A person who is rich today might be poor tomorrow; a person who is healthy today might be sick tomorrow. “The swift do not always win the race, nor do the mighty win the battle,” says the Bible, “because time and unexpected events overtake them all.”​—Ecclesiastes 9:11.

As a parent, you rightly take reasonable steps to protect your child from danger. Realistically, though, it is not possible to shield your child from all of life’s adversities.

Of course, your child may not be old enough to experience the loss of a job or a financial reversal. Still, you can help him cope with other adversities​—for example, the loss of a friendship or the death of a family member.a

When your child receives constructive criticism.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Listen to counsel . . . in order to become wise in your future.”​—Proverbs 19:20.

Constructive criticism is not bullying; it is guidance that addresses an action or an attitude that needs to change.

When you teach your child to accept correction, both of you are spared much grief. “If children are always rescued from their errors,” says a father named John, “they will never learn. They will jump from one problem to the next, and you will spend your life following them, stomping out the fires that they cause. That makes life miserable for the parents and the child.”

How can you help your child benefit from constructive criticism? When your child receives it​—whether at school or anywhere else—​resist the urge to say that the correction is unfair. Instead, you could ask:

• “Why do you think the correction was given?”

• “How can you improve?”

• “What will you do the next time you are in this situation?”

Remember, constructive criticism will serve your child well, not only now but also in adulthood.

WHAT DOES BEING RESPONSIBLE INVOLVE?

People who are responsible are reliable. They follow through on assigned tasks and complete them on time.

Even with their limited capabilities, very young children can start learning to be responsible. “A child’s capacity to cooperate begins by fifteen months, and his desire to start willingly pitching in starts at around eighteen months,” says the book Parenting Without Borders. “In many cultures parents begin to hone their children’s helpfulness especially between the ages of five and seven, and children this young competently assist in many domestic tasks.”

WHY IS BEING RESPONSIBLE IMPORTANT?

The term “boomerang generation” describes young adults who leave home and try to live on their own but fall on hard times and return to Mom and Dad. In some cases, this happens because the youth has never been taught to manage money, run a household, or live up to daily responsibilities.

Therefore, it is best if you train your children for the responsibilities of adulthood. “You don’t want to keep them dependent upon you until they turn eighteen and then dump them out into the real world,” says the book How to Raise an Adult.

HOW TO TEACH RESPONSIBILITY

Assign chores.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “There is benefit in every kind of hard work.”​—Proverbs 14:23.

Young children are eager to work alongside their parents. You can take advantage of this natural inclination by assigning your children chores around the home.

Some parents are reluctant to do that. They reason that their school-age children face a mountain of homework each day, so why add to their burden?

However, children who do chores are more likely to succeed at school, since chores teach them to accept assignments and complete tasks. Besides, notes the book Parenting Without Borders, “when we ignore our children’s eagerness to participate when they are younger, they internalize the idea that contributing is unimportant . . . They also begin to expect that things will be done for them.”

As that quote indicates, doing chores trains children to be contributors rather than consumers, givers rather than takers. Chores help children realize that they have a valued place in the family​—and a responsibility toward it.

Help your children take responsibility for their mistakes.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Listen to counsel and accept discipline, in order to become wise in your future.”​—Proverbs 19:20.

When your children make mistakes​—for example, if your son or daughter accidentally damages another person’s property—​resist the urge to cover up what happened. Children can accept the consequences​—in this case, apologizing and perhaps even making restitution.

Owning up to mistakes and failures will teach your children

• to be honest and admit their errors

• to avoid blaming others

• to avoid making excuses

• to apologize, when appropriate

WHAT DOES ADULT GUIDANCE INVOLVE?

Children need adults in their life who can provide leadership and advice. As a parent, you are in the best position to fulfill that role; in fact, it is your duty. However, other adults can be mentors to your children as well.

WHY IS ADULT GUIDANCE IMPORTANT?

In many lands, young people have little interaction with adults. Consider this:

• Children spend much of their day at school, where students outnumber teachers and other adults.

• After school, some youths return to a home that is empty because both parents have to work.

• One study found that in the United States, children between 8 and 12 years of age spend an average of about six hours on entertainment media each day.a

The book Hold On to Your Kids says: “Young people are turning for instruction, modeling, and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers, and other responsible adults but to . . . their own peers.”

HOW TO PROVIDE GUIDANCE

Spend time with your children.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Train a child in the way he should go; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.”​—Proverbs 22:6, footnote.

Children naturally look to their parents for guidance. In fact, experts say that even as children enter the teen years, they tend to value the advice of their parents over that of their peers. “Parents remain the major influence on their child’s attitudes and behavior through adolescence and into young adulthood,” writes Dr. Laurence Steinberg in the book You and Your Adolescent. He adds: “Adolescents care what you think and listen to what you say, even if they don’t always admit it or agree with every point.”

Take advantage of your children’s natural inclination to look up to you. Spend time with your children and share your viewpoints, values, and experiences with them.

Provide a mentor.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “The one walking with the wise will become wise.”​—Proverbs 13:20.

Can you think of an adult who might be a good role model for your adolescent? Why not arrange for that person to spend time with him or her? Of course, you should not abdicate your parental authority. But the encouragement from a trusted adult who you know will not harm your child can supplement the training you provide. In the Bible, Timothy​—even as an adult—​benefited greatly from the association he had with the apostle Paul, and Paul benefited from Timothy’s companionship.​—Philippians 2:20, 22.

During the past century, many families have become somewhat fragmented, as grandparents, uncles, aunts, and other relatives may live in another part of the world. If that is true in your case, try to provide your teens with opportunities to learn from adults who have traits that you would like to see in your children.

WHAT ARE MORAL VALUES?

People with moral values have a clear sense of right and wrong. Their moral code is not based on how they feel at the moment. Rather, it is founded on a firm set of principles that act as a guide for conduct​—even when others are not watching.

WHY ARE MORAL VALUES IMPORTANT?

Children are bombarded with distorted messages about morals, whether from the people they go to school with, the music they listen to, or the movies and TV shows they watch. Such influences can challenge their beliefs about what is right and what is wrong.

That is especially true during the teen years. By that time, says the book Beyond the Big Talk, they “need to understand the intense peer and media pressures to be popular and accepted, and they need to learn to make decisions consistent with their own values and choices, even if that means going against their friends.” Clearly, training needs to begin before adolescence.

HOW TO TEACH MORAL VALUES

Establish a moral code.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Mature people . . . have their powers of discernment trained to distinguish both right and wrong.”​—Hebrews 5:14.

• Build a moral vocabulary. Point to everyday situations and highlight contrasts: “This is honest; that is dishonest.” “This is loyal; that is disloyal.” “This is kind; that is unkind.” In time, your child will connect moral values with actions.

• Explain the reasons for your moral code. For example, ask questions such as: Why is honesty the best policy? How can lying damage friendships? Why is stealing wrong? Appeal to your child’s developing conscience and sense of logic.

• Emphasize the benefits of adhering to good morals. You could say: “If you are honest, others will trust you” or “If you are kind, people will like being around you.”

Make your moral code part of your family identity.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Keep proving what you yourselves are.”​—2 Corinthians 13:5.

• Your moral code should be part of your family, so that you can truthfully say:

  • “In our family we do not lie.”

  • “We do not hit others or scream at them.”

  • “We do not approve of abusive speech.”

Your child will see that moral values are not mere rules to follow but that they make up the family’s identity.

• Frequently discuss your family values with your child. Use everyday situations as object lessons. You could compare your values with those presented in the media or in school. Ask your child questions like: “What would you have done?” “How would our family have handled this?”

Reinforce moral values.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Maintain a good conscience.”​—1 Peter 3:16.

• Commend good behavior. If your child displays good moral values in what he does, praise him for it and explain why. For example, you could say: “You were honest. I am proud of you.” If your child confesses to having done something wrong, sincerely commend him for his honesty before you correct him.

• Correct bad behavior. Help your children accept responsibility for their actions. Children should know what they did wrong and how their conduct deviates from the family’s value system. Some parents are reluctant to make their child ‘feel bad’ about misbehavior, but discussing bad behavior with your child this way will help him develop a conscience that is sensitive to right and wrong.