Getting to Know “the Secret Person of the Heart”

A research team reported in the May 1980 issue of the Journal of Marriage and the Family: “Marriages seem more likely to survive and prosper if people enter them with relatively full knowledge of one another’s inner selves.” Yes, getting to know “the secret person of the heart” of your partner is essential.​—1 Peter 3:4.

Yet, ‘drawing up’ the intentions of the heart of another takes effort and discernment. (Proverbs 20:5) So plan activities that are more likely to help you see your partner’s inner self. While going to a movie or a concert may suffice at the start, engaging in activities that better lend themselves to conversation (such as roller-skating, bowling, and visiting zoos, museums, and art galleries) can do more to help you become better acquainted.

To get a glimpse of your partner’s feelings, try using open-ended questions, such as, ‘How do you spend your free time?’ ‘If money were no object, what would you like to do?’ ‘What feature of our worship of God do you like the best? Why?’ These allow in-depth responses that help you learn what your partner treasures.

As the relationship deepens and the two of you more seriously consider marriage, there is need for serious talk about important issues such as your values; where and how you will live; financial matters, including whether both will work outside the home; children; birth control; concepts of each one’s role in marriage; and both immediate and long-range goals and how you plan to achieve these. Many young Witnesses of Jehovah become full-time evangelizers after finishing school and desire to continue serving in that way after marriage. Now is the time for the two of you to make sure your spiritual goals are compatible. It is also a time to reveal things, perhaps in your past, that may affect the marriage. These might include any major debts or obligations. Health matters, such as any serious disease, and their consequences should also be frankly discussed.

In such discussions, follow the example of Elihu, who said: “I talk straight from my heart and speak sincerely.” (Job 33:3, The Holy Bible in the Language of Today, by William Beck) In explaining how her courtship prepared her for what proved to be a happy marriage, Esther said: “I never tried to ‘put on’ or say I agreed with Jaye when I felt differently. I still don’t. I try always to be honest.”

Do not evade or gloss over sensitive subjects out of fear of putting your partner on the spot. Beth made this mistake during her courtship with John. Beth said she believed in saving for the future and not wasting money. John said he agreed. Beth probed no further, imagining they saw eye to eye on matters of finance. But it turned out that John’s idea of saving for the future meant saving for a new sports car! After marriage their lack of agreement on how to spend money became painfully evident.

Such misunderstandings can be prevented. Louise, mentioned previously, says in retrospect of her courtship: “I should have asked a lot more questions, such as, ‘What if I got pregnant and you didn’t want to have a baby, what would you do?’ Or, ‘If we were in debt and I wanted to stay home and care for our child, how would you handle matters?’ I would have carefully noted his reaction.” Such discussions can bring to the surface qualities of the heart that should best be seen before marriage.

Talk matters over. Do you have fundamental differences in goals or viewpoints? Or have there simply been misunderstandings? Could it be a case of both of you needing to learn how to ‘restrain your spirit’ and settle matters more calmly? (Proverbs 25:28) If irritating personality quirks concern you, does he or she humbly admit the shortcomings and show a desire to improve? Is there a need on your part to be less sensitive, less touchy? (Ecclesiastes 7:9) ‘Putting up with each other in love’ is the lifeblood of a good marriage.​—Ephesians 4:2.

Far from destroying your relationship, talking matters out may well reveal the potential it has for future growth! But if the discussion simply results in another frustrating standoff, do not ignore clear signs of impending disaster. (Proverbs 22:3) Things are not likely to improve after marriage. Calling the courtship off may be in the best interests of both of you.