Sources of Irritation

One of the greatest sources of irritation to the new bride most likely will be a lack of the privacy that may be so respected in her homeland. She will find that having a Middle Eastern mate means taking on a whole family of intensely interested in-laws​—including aunts, uncles, and first, second, and third cousins. These and immediate neighbors can ask very direct and personal questions that would be considered impolite in other lands. Yet, citizens of Mediterranean countries are not offended by such inquiries and may have their feelings hurt if one doesn’t ask just as personal questions of them. Since they expect marriages to be fruitful, constant scrutinizing for signs of future offspring can be anticipated.

It is said that an Englishman’s home is his castle, but a Middle Eastern man’s home is sometimes more like a hotel. Friends and relatives drop in at any time without previous notice and in many instances spend the night. If the cupboard is not sufficiently stocked, it will take some ingenuity to stretch meals.

In the East the woman’s place is in the home. True, in some Eastern countries women may work outside the home, but they are still expected to do all the housework as well. The man is very definitely the head of the family, and his word is law. In some Persian Gulf States, women are not even allowed out of the home alone. If they do go out, they must be covered from head to foot, including their face.

A source of frustration to a person unfamiliar with Eastern ways may be the lack of organization and the free-for-all attitude encountered in bus lines, at supermarket checkouts, while driving in heavy traffic, and in dealing with those in government offices. A person used to the principle of “first come, first served” will be sadly disappointed with a system where having pull is of primary importance.

Other possible sources of irritation involve the different sense of humor, the quick show of emotion​—be it anger or sympathy—​and the generally louder tones used in everyday conversation.

Avoid Being an Irritant

On the other hand, the bride herself can be a source of irritation to those in her new land if she doesn’t observe the local customs. Women in Eastern lands are expected to be modestly dressed. Bare backs are frowned upon. Alcoholic beverages are forbidden in Muslim countries or communities.

When a visitor enters a room, all present stand up to greet him and shake his hand. A casual nod in his general direction would be like a slap in the face. Also, some sort of refreshment is always offered, even to the most casual visitor. So it would be discourteous to ask first if a visitor would like a cup of coffee; he will always answer in the negative, no matter how much he would like to accept. Even if the refreshment is offered spontaneously, the visitor may refuse and have to be coaxed to accept, since he does not want to appear greedy. If no coaxing is forthcoming, the host or hostess will be considered stingy.

These are but a few of the new customs a bride will face in moving to the Middle East.

Do not make constant comparisons of your new situation with the life you left behind. Accept the fact that your previous way of doing things is not the only way. It may be more familiar and comfortable for you, but everyone around you is used to a different way. For example, the main meal in the Middle East is at midday, whereas “back home” it may have been in the evening. So instead of having her husband grab a sandwich at noon, a wife is expected to have a hot meal ready, and he usually expects her to share it with him. All it takes to keep life smooth is adaptability, applied by both partners.

While on the subject of meals, cultivating a taste for local dishes is also helpful. Trying a new dish “just once” to please one’s mate may be delightfully surprising. Perfecting it and adding it to those dishes you regularly prepare will further cement the marriage. The same can be said of cultivating an ear for Oriental music.

Additionally, take time to learn the local social customs. Some can quickly be learned just by observation. In the Middle East these include: polite conversation, even with deliverymen; offering a cup of coffee or a cold drink even to the casual visitor; and rising to greet visitors with a firm handshake and relatives with a kiss on each cheek.

Ask your mate what will be expected of you in any new situation. For example, one bride was told by her husband that it is the custom even for adult children to kiss the hand of their parents and in-laws as they greet them. It is the local sign of respect. The first few times that she complied with the custom, it felt awkward. But later it became a matter of habit, and besides pleasing her in-laws very much, it made for good family relations.

Right Attitude Important

The fact that your neighbors may show more interest in your personal affairs than seems fitting can be balanced by their always being on hand in times of trouble. For example, an American woman married to a Lebanese man came home from shopping one day to find her house full of neighbors. It turned out that her husband had taken sick at work and had barely made it to his gate when a neighbor noticed his weakened condition and helped him into the house and into bed. The neighbor then sent out the alarm to the whole neighborhood, and while some went to fetch the doctor, others made the husband comfortable and then went to buy the prescribed medication. How glad that woman was for her attentive neighbors!