CHAPTER 1

Am I Ready to Date?

“There’s a ton of pressure all around me to date. There’s also a ton of cute guys.”​—Whitney.

“Some girls come on strong, and I want to say yes. But if I ask my parents, I know what their answer will be.”​—Phillip.

THE urge to be with someone special​—and to be with someone who thinks you are special—​can be incredibly strong, even at a very young age. “I started to feel the pressure to date when I was 11,” recalls Jenifer. Brittany says: “At school you feel like you’re only half a person if you’re not dating someone​—anyone!”

What about you? Are you ready to date? To answer that, we first need to address a more basic question:

What Is “Dating”?

Mark your response to the following questions:

You regularly go out with a certain member of the opposite sex. Are you dating?

□ Yes

□ No

You and a member of the opposite sex are attracted to each other. Several times a day, you text-message or talk to this person on the phone. Are you dating?

□ Yes

□ No

Every time you get together with your friends, you pair off with the same person of the opposite sex. Are you dating?

□ Yes

□ No

You most likely had no problem answering the first question. But you may have paused before responding to the second and the third. What exactly is dating? Really, dating is any social activity in which your romantic interest is focused on one particular person and that person’s interest is focused on you. So the answer to all three questions listed above is yes. Whether on the phone or face-to-face, in the open or in secret, if you and a friend of the opposite sex have a special romantic understanding and communicate regularly, it’s dating. Are you ready to go down that road? A consideration of three questions will help you find out.

Why Do You Want to Date?

In many cultures dating is regarded as a legitimate way for two people to become better acquainted. But dating should have an honorable purpose​—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other.

Granted, some of your peers might take a casual view of dating. Perhaps they simply enjoy being with a special friend of the opposite sex, without any intention of marriage. Some might even view such a friend as little more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in public to boost their own self-esteem. Often, though, such shallow relationships are short-lived. “Many young ones who date break up with each other a week or two later,” says a girl named Heather. “They come to view relationships as transitory​—which in a sense prepares them for divorce rather than for marriage.”

Clearly, when you date someone, you’re affecting that person’s feelings. So be sure your intentions are honorable. Think: Would you like someone to play with your feelings as if they were some child’s toy​—to be picked up for a moment and then quickly abandoned? A youth named Chelsea says: “Part of me wants to say that dating should be just for fun, but it’s no fun when one person is taking it seriously and the other isn’t.”

You’re How Old?

At what age do you think it’s appropriate for a youth to start dating? ․․․․․

Now ask one or both of your parents the same question, and fill in their answer. ․․․․․

Chances are, the first number you wrote down is lower than the second. Or maybe not! You might be among the many youths who are wisely putting off dating until they’re old enough to know themselves better. That’s what Danielle, 17, decided to do. She says: “Thinking back to two years ago, what I would have looked for in a potential mate was so different from what I would look for now. Basically, even at this point I don’t trust myself to make such a decision. When I feel that my personality has been stable for a couple of years, then I’ll think about dating.”

There’s another reason why waiting is wise. The Bible uses the phrase “the bloom of youth” to describe the period of life when sexual feelings and romantic emotions first become strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close association with one particular member of the opposite sex while you’re still in this phase can fan the flames of desire and lead to wrong conduct. True, that might mean little to your peers. Many of them are all too eager to experiment with sex. But you can rise above that kind of thinking! (Romans 12:2) After all, the Bible urges you to “flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, New International Version) By waiting until you’re past the bloom of youth, you can “ward off calamity.”​—Ecclesiastes 11:10.

Are You Ready to Get Married?

To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:

Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.​—Read Ephesians 4:31.

Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way​—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.​—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.

Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?​—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.

Spirituality. If you’re one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, what are your spiritual attributes? Do you take the initiative to read God’s Word, to engage in the ministry, and to participate at Christian meetings? The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.​—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.

What You Can Do

Being pressured to date before you’re ready would be like being forced to take a final exam for a course that you’ve barely started. Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair! You need time to study your subject so you can become familiar with the kind of problems you’ll face in the test.

It’s similar with dating. As we’ve seen, dating is no trivial matter. So before you’re ready to focus on one particular person, you need to take time to study a very important “subject”​—how to build friendships. Later, when you meet the right person, you’ll be in a better position to build a solid relationship. After all, a good marriage is the union of two good friends.

Waiting to date won’t stifle your freedom. On the contrary, it will give you more freedom to ‘rejoice in your youth.’ (Ecclesiastes 11:9) And you’ll have time to prepare yourself by developing your personality and, most important, your spirituality.​—Lamentations 3:27.

In the meantime, you can enjoy the company of the opposite sex. What’s the best way to do so? Associate together in properly supervised mixed groups. A girl named Tammy says: “I think it’s more fun that way. It’s better to have a lot of friends.” Monica agrees. “The group idea is a really good idea,” she says, “because you get to see people with different personalities.”

In contrast, if you focus on one person too soon, you set yourself up for heartache. So take your time. Use this period of your life to learn how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Later, if you choose to date, you’ll have a better idea of who you are and what you need in a lifelong partner.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTERS 29 AND 30

KEY SCRIPTURE

“The shrewd one considers his steps.”​—Proverbs 14:15.

TIP

To prepare for dating and marriage, read 2 Peter 1:5-7 and pick one quality you need to work on. In a month’s time, see how much you have learned about​—and improved in—​that quality.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Numerous studies indicate that a couple who marry under the age of 20 are likely to divorce within five years.

ACTION PLAN!

To prepare for marriage, I need to work on the following qualities: ․․․․․

I can work on these qualities by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● In what appropriate settings can you mix with members of the opposite sex?

● How would you reason with a sibling who is too young to date but wants to do so?

● If you date but have no intention of marriage, how might that affect the other person’s feelings?

[Blurb on page 18]

“I think you should date someone when that person really means something to you and you feel your future together has potential. You care about a person, not just the idea of dating.”​—Amber

[Picture on page 16, 17]

If you date with no intention of marriage, you are acting like a child who plays with a new toy and then discards it

CHAPTER 2

Secret Dating​—What’s the Harm?

Jessica was caught in a dilemma. It all started when a classmate named Jeremy began showing interest in her. “He was very cute,” she says, “and my friends said he was the most decent boy I’d ever meet. Several girls had tried to start a relationship with him, but he wasn’t interested in them. He liked only me.”

Before long, Jeremy asked Jessica out. Jessica explained that as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, she wouldn’t be allowed to date someone who wasn’t of her faith. “But then Jeremy had an idea,” she says. “He asked, ‘Why can’t we just date behind your parents’ backs?’”

IF SOMEONE you were attracted to made such a suggestion, how would you respond? You might be surprised to learn that Jessica agreed to Jeremy’s plan. “I was convinced that if I dated him, I could make him learn to love Jehovah,” she says. How did things turn out? We’ll find out later. First, let’s see how some get caught in the snare of secret dating.

Why They Do It

Why do some date secretly? A young man named David puts it concisely, “They know their parents would not approve, so they don’t tell them.” Jane points out another possibility. “Secret dating is a rebellion thing,” she says. “If you feel that you’re not being treated like the young adult you think you are, you decide that you’re going to do what you want and just not tell your parents.”

Can you think of any other reasons why some might be tempted to date secretly? If so, list them below.

․․․․․

Of course, you realize that the Bible commands you to obey your parents. (Ephesians 6:1) And if your parents object to your dating, they must have a good reason. Still, don’t be surprised if you find yourself thinking:

● I feel left out because everyone is dating except me.

● I’m attracted to someone who doesn’t share my faith.

● I would like to go out with a fellow Christian, even though I’m too young to marry.

You probably know what your parents would say about the above statements. And deep down, you know that your parents are right. At the same time, you may feel like a girl named Manami, who says: “The pressure to date is so strong that I sometimes doubt my stand. For kids today it’s unthinkable not to be dating. Besides, it’s no fun being by myself!” Some in that situation have begun to date, hiding the matter from their parents. How?

“We Were Told to Keep It a Secret”

The very term “secret dating” suggests a measure of deception, and that’s just what it takes to make it work. Some keep their dating secret by communicating primarily over the phone or the Internet. In public, they’re just friends, but their e-mails, phone calls, and text messages tell a completely different story.

Another sly tactic is to arrange for a group activity, only to pair off later. James says: “Once, a group of us were invited to meet at a location, only to discover that the whole thing had been set up so that two in the group could be together. We were told to keep it a secret.”

Frequently, as James points out, secret dating is carried on with the cooperation of friends. “Often, at least one friend knows about the situation but chooses not to say anything because of a ‘don’t-tell’ mentality,” says Carol. At times, blatant dishonesty is involved. “Many keep their dating secret by lying to their parents about where they go,” says 17-year-old Beth. Misaki, 19, did just that. “I had to make up stories carefully,” she says. “I was cautious not to tell any lies other than those related to my dating so that I would not lose my parents’ trust.”

The Pitfalls of Secret Dating

If you’re tempted to date secretly​—or if you’re already doing so—​you need to ask yourself the following two questions:

Where will my course lead? Do you intend to marry the person reasonably soon? “Dating without the intention of marriage is like advertising something you’re not selling,” says 20-year-old Evan. What can result? Proverbs 13:12 says: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Do you really want to make someone you care about sick at heart? Another caution: Dating secretly will rob you of the loving interest of your parents and other concerned adults. Because of this, you’re more likely to fall into the trap of sexual immorality.​—Galatians 6:7.

How does Jehovah God feel about what I’m doing? The Bible says: “All things are naked and openly exposed to the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting.” (Hebrews 4:13) So if you’re covering up your own dating​—or that of a friend—​Jehovah already knows about it. And if deception is involved, you have good reason to be concerned. Jehovah God feels strongly about lying. Indeed, “a false tongue” is listed prominently in the Bible among the things that he detests!​—Proverbs 6:16-19.

Ending the Secrecy

Certainly, you would do well to talk to your parents or a mature Christian adult about any secret relationship that you may be involved in. And if a friend of yours is dating secretly, don’t share in his or her course by helping to cover it up. (1 Timothy 5:22) After all, how would you feel if the relationship had harmful consequences? Wouldn’t you be at least partly responsible?

To illustrate: Suppose a friend is diabetic and is secretly filling up on sweets. What if you found out about it, but your friend begged you not to tell anyone? What would be your greatest concern​—covering up for your friend or taking action that could possibly save his or her life?

You face a similar situation if you know that an acquaintance is dating secretly. Don’t worry about permanently ruining your friendship. In time, a true friend will realize that you were acting in his or her best interests.​—Psalm 141:5.

Secrecy or Privacy?

Of course, not all secrecy surrounding dating involves deception. For instance, suppose a young man and woman would like to become better acquainted, but for a time they do not wish to make that widely known. Perhaps, as a young man named Thomas says, “they don’t want to be teased with questions like, ‘So when are you getting married?’”

Undue pressure from others can indeed be harmful. (Song of Solomon 2:7) Therefore, at the initial stage of a relationship, some may well choose to be discreet. (Proverbs 10:19) “This gives two people time to decide if they’re serious about each other,” says 20-year-old Anna. “If they are, then they can go public.”

At the same time, it would be wrong to hide your relationship from those who have a right to know about it, such as your parents or the parents of the person you’re dating. Really, if you can’t be open about your dating, you should ask yourself why. Do you know in your heart that your parents would have valid reason to object?

“I Knew What I Had to Do”

Jessica, mentioned at the outset, changed her mind about secretly dating Jeremy when she heard the experience of another Christian who was in a similar situation. “After hearing how she broke off the relationship,” Jessica says, “I knew what I had to do.” Was breaking up easy? No! “This was the only boy I had ever really liked,” Jessica says. “I cried every day for several weeks.”

Yet, Jessica knew that she loved Jehovah. And although she had become sidetracked, she truly wanted to do what was right. In time, the pain of breaking up subsided. “Now,” Jessica says, “my relationship with Jehovah is better than ever. I’m so grateful that he gives us the direction we need at just the right time!”

KEY SCRIPTURE

“We wish to conduct ourselves honestly in all things.”​—Hebrews 13:18.

TIP

You don’t have to broadcast your relationship around the globe. But do tell those who have a right to know. Most often, that includes your parents and the parents of the person you’re dating.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Lasting relationships are built on trust. Dating secretly betrays the trust of your parents and undermines the very foundation of your relationship with the one you’re dating.

ACTION PLAN!

If I am dating a fellow Christian secretly, I will ․․․․․

If a friend of mine is dating secretly, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Look back at the three situations highlighted in bold type on page 22. Which, if any, describes how you feel at times?

● How can you address the matter without dating secretly?

● If you knew that a friend was dating secretly, how would you deal with the situation, and why would you choose to do it that way?

[Blurb on page 27]

“I stopped dating secretly. Yes, going back to school and seeing that boy every day was hard. But Jehovah God can see the bigger picture, whereas we can’t. We just have to trust Jehovah.”​—Jessica

[Picture on page 25]

Covering up for a friend who is secretly dating is like covering up for a diabetic who is secretly gorging on sweets