UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

8, 9. (a) What changes often occur when a parent lives apart from the family? (b) What emotional and moral damage can separation cause?

⁸ Before going abroad, emigrants try to weigh the risks and sacrifices involved, but few foresee all the consequences of leaving their family behind. (Prov. 22:3)c As soon as Marilyn left, she began to suffer the gnawing pain of separation from her family. So did her husband and son. Young Jimmy kept asking her, “Why did you leave me?” And as the months that Marilyn had planned to be away turned into years, she noticed disturbing changes in her family. Jimmy was becoming withdrawn and was growing emotionally distant from her. With sadness, she recalls, “His love for me went away.”

⁹ When parents and children do not live together as a family, they can suffer emotional and moral damage.d The younger the children and the longer the separation, the deeper the harm. Marilyn explained to Jimmy that she was sacrificing for his benefit. But to Jimmy, it felt as if his mother had abandoned him. In the beginning, he resented her absence. But later, when she returned for visits, he resented her presence. As is common among left-behind children, Jimmy felt that she had forfeited her right to his obedience and affection.​—Read Proverbs 29:15.

10. (a) How can substituting material gifts for a parent’s presence affect children? (b) What is lacking when a parent tries to raise his or her children from a distance?

¹⁰ Although Marilyn tried to compensate for her absence by sending money and gifts, she saw that she was alienating her son and unintentionally training him to put material things ahead of spiritual interests and family relationships. (Prov. 22:6) “Don’t come back,” Jimmy would tell her. “Just keep sending presents.” Marilyn began to realize that she could not raise her son by “teleparenting” through letters, telephone calls, or video chats. She explains, “You cannot hug your child or kiss him good-night over the Internet.”

11. (a) How does a couple’s living apart for secular work affect their marriage? (b) How did one sister come to realize that she should rejoin her family?

¹¹ Marilyn’s relationship with Jehovah and with her husband, James, were suffering too. Her Christian association and ministry were limited to one day a week or less, and she had to fend off her employer’s sexual advances. With no mate nearby to lean on when facing problems, both Marilyn and James became emotionally involved with others and nearly gave in to sexual immorality. Marilyn came to see that even though she and her husband did not commit adultery, while living apart they could not follow the Bible’s direction to fill each other’s emotional and sexual needs. They could not share a spontaneous thought, glance, or smile, the gentle touch of a hand, a warm embrace, intimate “expressions of affection,” or the marital “due.” (Song of Sol. 1:2; 1 Cor. 7:3, 5) And they could not fully worship Jehovah together with their son. “When I learned at a convention that regular family worship is vital for us to survive Jehovah’s great day, I understood that I needed to go home,” Marilyn recalls. “I had to start rebuilding my spiritual and family life.”

¹⁴ Consider Carin’s story: “When my son Don was born, my husband and I were working abroad, and I had recently begun to study the Bible. Everyone in my family expected me to send Don back home to be raised by my parents until we were financially stable.” When Carin insisted on raising Don herself, her relatives, including her husband, called her lazy and laughed at her. “Frankly, at the time, I could not fully understand what was wrong with leaving Don with my parents for a few years,” Carin says. “But I knew that Jehovah gave the job of raising our son to us​—his parents.” When Carin became pregnant again, her unbelieving husband demanded that she have an abortion. Carin’s earlier good decision had strengthened her faith, and again she stood firm for Jehovah. Now she, her husband, and their children are happy that they all stayed together. If Carin had sent away one or both of her children to be raised by others, the outcome could have been very different.

15, 16. (a) Describe one sister’s experience as a child left behind. (b) Why did she decide to follow a different course with her own daughter?

¹⁵ A Witness named Vicky relates: “For a few years, I was raised by my grandmother, while my parents kept my younger sister with them. By the time I rejoined my parents, my feelings for them had changed. My sister felt free to express herself to them, to hug them, and to enjoy a close relationship with them. I felt distant from my parents, and even into adulthood, I found it hard to show them my true feelings. My sister and I have assured our parents that we will take care of them in their old age. But I will do so more out of duty, while my sister will care for them more out of love.

¹⁶ “Now my mother wants me to send my daughter to her for her to raise, just as she sent me back to her mother. I tactfully refused,” Vicky says. “My husband and I want to raise our own child in Jehovah’s ways. And I do not want to damage my future relationship with my daughter.” Vicky has seen that the only successful course is to put Jehovah and his principles ahead of financial goals and family expectations. Jesus plainly said: “No one can slave for two masters,” for God and for Riches.​—Matt. 6:24; Ex. 23:2.