4 The Effect of Divorce on Children

“It was devastating,” says José, a divorced father in Spain. “The worst moment was when I discovered that the other man was my sister’s husband. I just wanted to die.” José found that his two boys​—ages two and four—​were also affected by their mother’s course. “They could not come to terms with the situation,” he says. “They didn’t understand why their mother was living with their uncle and why I had taken them with me and moved in with my sister and my mother. If I had to go somewhere, they would ask, ‘When are you coming home?’ or they would say, ‘Daddy, don’t leave us!’”

Children are often the forgotten casualties on the divorce battlefield. But what if two parents just do not get along? In such a case, is divorce really “better for the children”? In recent years, that notion has come under attack​—especially when marital problems are not extreme. The book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce states: “Many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don’t care if Mom and Dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together.”

Admittedly, children are often aware of parental conflicts, and marital tension can take a toll on their young minds and hearts. However, to assume that a divorce will automatically be in their best interests could be a mistake. “The structure that marriage provides appears to help parents maintain the kind of consistent, moderate discipline to which children respond, even when the marriage is less than ideal,” write Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book The Case for Marriage.

What might happen: Divorce could have a devastating effect on your children, especially if you do not encourage them to have a healthy relationship with your ex-spouse.​—See the box “Caught in the Middle.”