What Is Happening to Grandparents?

BY AWAKE! CORRESPONDENT IN ITALY

“I did not believe that as a grandfather I could be the object of such tenderness on the part of my grandchildren. They are a gift​—sweet, innocent ambassadors for the strengthening of the bonds of affection.”​—Ettore, the grandfather.

IN SPITE of the above wholesome relationship, grandparents, parents, and grandchildren do not always get along these days. Rather than cooperating, the three generations often clash. With what results? Increasing solitude and unhappiness among the elderly, the grandparents​—those members of the family who are often the most vulnerable and isolated, those to whom family members may turn when they have economic difficulties. What is the situation in your family? Are the grandparents truly appreciated?

In the last few decades, notable worldwide social changes have affected the family and the relationships within it, resulting in the almost complete disappearance of the patriarchal family. In Europe, only 2 percent of elderly people live with their children. Even so, in industrialized nations, as a result of the current increase in average life expectancy and the decrease in births, the proportion of grandparents to the general population is ever larger. Grandmothers and grandfathers constitute 26 percent of the population of Europe, and according to a survey published by the European Union, the figure is “destined to increase.” Japan, says the Asahi Evening News, “is proud of its tradition of taking care of its senior citizens.” Yet, there is an increasingly widespread habit, especially in the cities, of leaving grandparents in hospitals and specialized clinics even when there is no real need for hospitalization. In South Africa too, where the elderly have traditionally been treated with dignity, there is now the deplorable tendency to reject the aged, according to Cape Town newspaper The Cape Times. The report points out that families want to get “as much out of life as possible” and are “deluding themselves that once they have put granny safely in a home, they have done all that’s expected of them.”

The same newspaper speaks of a specific case in which an elderly grandmother is placed in an efficient rest home for the aged by her three children, “with promises of support and regular visits.” But what becomes of her? “At first the visits are daily. After some weeks they drop to three times a week. Then it becomes once a week. After a year twice or three times a month, eventually five or six a year and finally hardly any at all.” How did this grandmother pass her interminable days? The heartrending description relates: “Her room had a window with a view of a tree, and her only living companions were the doves and the starlings that perched in it. She waits for their arrival as anxiously as if they were close relatives.”

As a result of the Westernization of South African life-​styles, which induces many to seek work in the cities, the same thing is happening in tribal families. Besides changing social conditions, other reasons for the abandonment of grandparents are the disappearance of those humanitarian qualities that promote happy social and family living​—goodness, respect for one’s neighbor, family affection—​and the prevalence of the spirit of selfishness, hedonism, pride, and rebellion. According to the Scriptures, such moral degradation is a sign that we are living in “the last days.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Thus, rather than esteem their grandparents as a source of enrichment and stability, children and grandchildren often consider them to be a cumbersome hindrance, out of step with rapid social change.a

The generation gap is becoming increasingly accentuated, and it causes considerable tension, even more so when the elderly live with their families. Yet, the grandparents’ contribution can be of such great benefit! What, then, are some of the principal problems between generations that impede affectionate relationships between grandparents, children, and grandchildren? And how can grandparents reestablish their valuable role within the family circle?

[Footnotes]

What Are Some of the Problems?

Grandparents, parents, and grandchildren​—three generations separated by just a few decades, yet often in spirit by an abyss.

MANY grandparents lived through the frightful experience of the second world war, with all its devastating consequences. Their children were probably young during the time of the protests and the economic boom of the ’60’s. Their grandchildren today live in a world devoid of values. With today’s rapid change in public role models, it is not easy for one generation to impart to the next an appreciation for its own experience. Something is lacking, something to persuade people of different generations to cooperate and respect one another. But what could it be?

Often, well-​intentioned grandparents interfere in the family affairs of their married children, complaining that the parents seem either too strict or too lax with the grandchildren. On the other hand, a Spanish proverb says: “Punishment from grandparents does not make for good grandchildren”​—since grandparents tend to be indulgent. Perhaps they intervene because they would like their children to avoid certain errors that, thanks to their own experience, they can see clearly. However, they may be unable to reappraise and interpret the changing relationships with their married children in a balanced way. The children, who with marriage have obtained long-​yearned-​for independence, are not prepared to tolerate interference. Now that they work to support the family, they cannot accept infringements on their right to make their own decisions. The grandchildren, who may think they already know it all, resent rules and regulations and perhaps consider their grandparents to be out of touch. In modern society, grandparents seem to have lost their appeal. Their experience is very often ignored.

When Conversation Ceases

At times an impenetrable wall of lack of mutual understanding isolates the grandparents from the rest of the family even when they live with their children. Unfortunately, this occurs at precisely the time when, because the years begin to weigh heavily, the grandparents have even greater need for affection. A person does not have to be alone to feel alone. When conversation ceases, when respect and affection are replaced by condescension or irritation, the results are complete alienation and deep disappointment on the part of the grandparents. They hurt in their innermost feelings. Educator Giacomo Dacquino writes: “Love in the family, which someone recently likened to an old, superseded model, is still the best geriatric medicine. An understanding facial expression, a kind smile, a good word, or a caress helps more than many medicines.”​—Libertà di invecchiare (Freedom to Grow Old).

Your Example Can Make a Difference

The tension that results from deteriorating family relations also causes continual complaints of one generation against the other. One member of the family may feel that whatever another does is wrong. But the ill effects are felt by all. The children observe how their parents treat the grandparents and, in turn, how their grandparents react. Though the older ones, for the most part, may suffer in silence, the grandchildren hear, see, and remember. Thus their own future patterns of behavior are influenced. As adults, they may well treat their parents much as these treated the grandparents. There is no getting away from the Bible principle: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.”​—Galatians 6:7.

If grandchildren see the parents treating the grandparents in a condescending way​—making fun of them, rudely silencing them, or even exploiting them—​this is the way they, in turn, may act toward their parents when they get older. It is not enough to keep the grandparents’ framed photo on the sideboard​—they have to be respected and loved as persons. In due course, the same treatment may be meted out by the grandchildren. It is said that the phenomenon of mistreated grandparents is becoming more and more widespread. In some European countries, telephone distress lines have been set up for intervention in behalf of mistreated elderly people, similar to those already operational for the protection of children.

Selfishness, pride, and lack of love feed and aggravate lack of understanding. Thus, the number of those who try to rid themselves of grandparents by placing them in rest homes is on the increase. Some spare no expense to free themselves of the problem of caring for the elderly, entrusting them either to specialized centers equipped with all the latest technology or to retirement villages like those in Florida or California, U.S.A., served by an abundance of supermarkets and entertainments but still lacking the smile and caress of loved ones and the embrace of grandchildren. Particularly during vacation times, many look for a place to “park” grandma and grandpa. In India the situation can sometimes be even worse when some grandparents are just abandoned and left to fend for themselves.

Difficulties in keeping close family relationships are aggravated by divorce. Only 1 British family out of 4 has both parents still living in the household. Divorce is on the increase worldwide. In the United States, there are over a million divorces each year. Grandparents thus unexpectedly find themselves face-​to-​face with their children’s marriage crises and consequent drastic changes in relationships with their grandchildren. To the embarrassment of dealing with an ex-​son-​in-​law or an ex-​daughter-​in-​law is added the problem “of the sudden arrival of ‘acquired’ grandchildren” if, as reported by Italian newspaper Corriere Salute, “their son or daughter’s new partner should have children from a previous marriage.”

“A Spark to Our Lives”

Yet, a warm, affectionate relationship with one’s grandparents, whether they are living with the rest of the family or not, is of great benefit to all. “Doing something for our children and grandchildren,” says Ryoko, a grandmother from Fukui, Japan, “is enough to give a spark to our lives.” According to the results of research published by Corriere Salute, a group of U.S. experts is reported to have said: “When grandparents and grandchildren have the good fortune to enjoy an intense and affectionate relationship, the benefit is great not only to the children but also to the whole family.”

What can be done, then, to overcome personal differences, generation gaps, and innate tendencies toward selfishness that exert such a negative influence on family relationships? This subject will be considered in the next article.

[Blurb on page 6]

“The awful thing about getting old is not being listened to.”​—Albert Camus, French novelist

Living Together in Love

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Are you well? I think I’m catching a cold.

Thank you for playing with me the other day. You took me to the park and to the public bath. I enjoyed it very much.

Next year on February 11, we have our school concert. If you can come again, please come.

We are very happy when you come, Grandma and Grandpa.

Please take care of yourselves, and always stay well. It’s going to get cold, so take care not to catch colds.

I am looking forward to the next time you come and play with me. Please say hello to Yumi and Masaki for me.

Mika (Japanese)

DID your grandchild ever write you a letter like this one? If so, when you received it, it undoubtedly gave you a lot of joy. Such letters are evidence of a beautiful and affectionate kinship between grandparents and grandchildren. But what is needed to establish, maintain, and strengthen this kind of relationship? And how may it prove beneficial to all three generations?

Love​—“A Perfect Bond of Union”

Roy and Jean, two British grandparents, say: “The main principles, we feel, are recognizing headship and getting along with one another in love.” These two Witnesses of Jehovah specifically cited the scripture at Colossians 3:14, which describes Christian love as “a perfect bond of union.” Love generates respect, thoughtful attention, affection, and family unity. When dad comes home from work, the whole family runs to meet him to give him a warm welcome. If there is love in the family, the same thing happens when the grandparents arrive. “Grandma and Grandpa are here!” cries an excited child. That evening, the extended family sits down to dinner, and granddad, following the local tradition, takes the place reserved for him at the head of the table. Can you picture yourself and your family in this loving scene? Do you enjoy this blessing?

“Gray-​Headedness Is a Crown of Beauty”

Obviously, love and respect for grandparents must be manifest continually, not just on special occasions. For this reason it is necessary to educate children constantly. Within the family children learn to love relatives and others, following the model set by their parents. Their example is fundamental, as pointed out by many who were interviewed on this subject. Macaiah, a father from Benin City, Nigeria, says: “I think my example of respecting my parents-​in-​law has also helped my children to be humble and respectful. I address my parents-​in-​law as ‘Daddy’ and ‘Mummy.’ My children hear and see that I respect them like my own parents.”

If grandchildren fail to respect their grandparents, these may get upset, not so much for the shortcoming itself but for the fact that the parents do not correct them. Demetrio, a grandfather from Rome, Italy, says: “I can see the love my daughter and son-​in-​law have for us by the way they educate our grandchildren to honor and respect us.” On occasion, grandchildren may treat grandparents in an overly familiar way, as though they were mere playmates of the same age, or else with an air of superiority. It is the parents’ responsibility to correct any such tendency. Paul, a Nigerian Witness, says: “About a year ago, the children started looking down on my mother. When I noticed this, I read them Proverbs 16:31: ‘Gray-​headedness is a crown of beauty,’ and I also reminded them that Granny is my mother. Just as they respect me, they should respect her too. I also studied with them chapter 10 of the book Your Youth​—Getting the Best Out Of It,a entitled ‘How Do You View Your Parents?’ Now, they do not have any problems in respecting their grandmother.”

The Benefits of Cultivating Family Relations

Mutual affection can be cultivated even when family members live far away from one another. Stephen, a Nigerian grandfather, says: “We write to each of our grandchildren individually. This task is demanding, but the reward in building up and maintaining close kinship with the grandchildren has been very great.” Parents’ efforts are essential in this regard. Others, according to their circumstances, keep in touch by phone.

Giuseppe, a grandfather from Bari, Italy, who has 11 grandchildren, explains how he cultivates a warm friendship with his closest family members: “At the moment, three of the six families that compose my ‘tribe’ live far away. But that is no obstacle to pleasant dealings and gatherings among us. We have the custom of meeting together at least once a year, all 24 of us.”

When grandparents live alone, if the exchange of visits, phone calls, or letters with family members is not regular, relations can become impersonal. Affection has to be manifested constantly. Some grandparents who are middle-​aged or in good health want to be on their own while they are still energetic and self-​sufficient. However, if they totally isolate themselves from family members, they may also find that when their need for affection is greater, it could be slow in coming.

Another useful suggestion comes from Michael, a Nigerian grandfather: “I apply Jesus’ Golden Rule​—to do to others as you would have them do to you. For that reason my children love me greatly. We enjoy good communication.” He adds: “If any of my grandchildren do something that upsets me, I speak to them if necessary. But if it is something I can overlook, I usually just forget about it.”

Small gifts and small gestures on the part of grandparents produce a positive reaction. Kind, encouraging words, rather than constant complaints, make family life pleasant. Dedicating time to the grandchildren, teaching them amusing games and useful little jobs, telling them Bible stories or family anecdotes, create warm and lasting memories. Such small but important things make life more enjoyable.

The Benefits of Mutual Respect

“Grandparents,” says physician Gaspare Vella, “need to be careful not to oppose or compete with the child-​raising authority of the parents.” “Otherwise,” he adds, “they exceed their field of action as grandparents and become grandparent-​parents.” This suggestion is in harmony with what the Scriptures say, that the parents have the primary responsibility of training their children.​—Proverbs 6:20; Colossians 3:20.

Because of their experience in life, it is easy for grandparents to give advice. However, they must exercise caution in not giving unwanted and sometimes unwelcome counsel. Roy and Jean say: “It is important to appreciate that parents have the prime responsibility to train and discipline their children. At times one may feel that they are a little too strict and in other instances not strict enough. Hence the need to fight the real temptation to interfere.” Michael and Sheena, two other British grandparents, confirm the same point: “If the children ask our advice, we will give it, but we do not necessarily expect them to accept it, nor do we get upset if they do not.” It is good for elderly parents to have confidence in their married sons and daughters. Such confidence improves relations among the three generations.

Vivian and Jane, who live in the south of England, make an effort to uphold at all times the discipline imparted to their grandchildren by their son and daughter-​in-​law, with whom they live: “We don’t try to impose our own ideas where perhaps we feel different. Realizing that we back up their mum and dad, the children don’t ever try to ‘play one off against the other.’” Even when parents are absent, grandparents must be cautious about disciplining grandchildren. Harold, from Britain, says: “Any discipline seen by the grandparent to be needed in the absence of the parents should have been discussed beforehand with the parents.” Harold adds that a kind, yet firm, word to the grandchildren or simply a reminder of “what the parent would require” is often sufficient.

When Christopher, a Nigerian grandfather, notes some shortcoming on the part of his own children, he avoids speaking about it in the presence of his grandchildren: “I give any necessary counsel when alone with the parents.” The parents, in turn, need to do their part in ensuring that the role of grandparents is respected. “It is fundamental,” says Carlo, a father who lives in Rome, Italy, “never to complain about the failings of the grandparents or other family members in front of the children.” Hiroko, a Japanese mother, says: “When a problem arises with my in-​laws, I discuss it first with my husband.”

The Educational Role of Grandparents

Each family has its own history, customs, and experiences that distinguish it from all others. Generally, grandparents are the historic memory link of the family. According to one African saying, “every old man that dies is a library that burns.” Grandparents transmit the memories of relatives and important family events, as well as family values that often unite the family at its roots. Not counting the moral guidance the Bible gives, one expert said that if “young people have no historic memory, they grow without the foundation of experience that has preceded them, devoid of values, uncertain and insecure.”​—Gaetano Barletta, Nonni e nipoti (Grandparents and Grandchildren).

Grandchildren like to hear the story of when mom and dad and other relatives were young. Looking at a photograph album can be very instructive and entertaining. What tenderness and warmth can be generated as grandparents tell the story of past events as depicted in the photographs.

Reg and Molly, two British grandparents who are Jehovah’s Witnesses, say: “Happiness has come for us in being able to be with the grandchildren and do things with them, without intruding on their close bond with Mum and Dad, answering their many questions, playing together, reading together, showing them how to write, hearing them read, following their schooling with loving interest.”

A grave error that many grandparents and parents commit is worrying only about the physical well-​being of children and grandchildren. Reg and Molly, mentioned above, say: “The greatest inheritance we can give our children and grandchildren is to see them reared in the true knowledge of the Word of God.”​—Deuteronomy 4:9; 32:7; Psalm 48:13; 78:3, 4, 6.

Acting in Harmony With Divine Teaching

The Holy Bible, the Word of God, “exerts power” on people. It has the ability to help them control or eliminate divisive characteristics, such as selfishness and pride. (Hebrews 4:12) Those who put its teachings into practice, therefore, enjoy peace and unity in the family. One of the numerous scriptures that help the three generations to eliminate any gap that may exist between them is Philippians 2:2-4, which encourages all to manifest love and lowliness of mind, to maintain unity, ‘keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just their own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.’

Acting in harmony with divine teaching, parents and grandchildren alike take very seriously the exhortation to “keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents,” materially, emotionally, and spiritually. (1 Timothy 5:4) With a healthy fear of Jehovah, they manifest deep respect for grandparents, bearing in mind his words: “Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man, and you must be in fear of your God.” (Leviticus 19:32) Grandparents manifest goodness by working for the well-​being of their descendants: “One who is good will leave an inheritance to sons of sons.”​—Proverbs 13:22.

Grandparents, parents, and grandchildren, whether they live together or not, can find mutual benefit in affectionate relations based on love and respect, just as Proverbs 17:6 says: “The crown of old men is the grandsons, and the beauty of sons is their fathers.”

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 8]

A family reunion can contribute to family unity

[Picture on page 9]

Your grandparents are encouraged when you write to them

[Picture on page 10]

Leafing through a family album with your grandchildren can be an enriching experience