But when parents finally break up, perhaps by a legal divorce, that does not necessarily end all the problems that their discord can bring on you. In fact, you may now face a tough challenge: deciding whether to maintain some kind of relationship with the parent who has left home. Meg recalls just how hard that can be: “I was so numbed that I just shut down emotionally. So for a while, I had no feelings. It was as if my father had died.” And Mike remembers: “I began to hate my father, and that feeling lasted a long time. When I’d think about how he left a woman with four kids, giving her the least support he could get away with​—well, it made me mad.”

Build Bridges, Don’t Burn Them

In the chaos and tumult of this period in your life, it is all too easy to slam shut the door of your affections on one of your parents and let anger and bitterness fill you. But nurturing that kind of resentment can poison your outlook on life. Such anger can lead you to burn your bridges, damaging your ties to a parent until they are well-nigh impossible to reestablish.

Insight​—The Key to Peace

Your natural anger may get in the way at first. But if you make it your goal to understand your parent better, the resulting insight may help to defuse your anger. As Proverbs 19:11 says: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression.” This is certainly easier when some sorrow or repentance has been shown by the guilty party. Remember, gaining insight into an estranged parent’s point of view, personality, and human frailties does not necessarily mean that you are excusing the guilty parent or taking that parent’s side in the divorce dispute; nor does it mean that you are betraying the parent with whom you live. It simply means developing a more realistic view of your parent.

For example, many youths assume that a parent who has left the home must hate them​—otherwise why would the parent leave? But really, the breakup was due to marital problems, not you. The departing parent probably did not mean to reject you by leaving​—even though you may feel that way. As Dr. Gould put it: “In all likelihood, parents who loved you before the divorce will love you just as much after.”

Keeping Your Balance

There is a danger, though, of idealizing an estranged parent. Randy’s father, an alcoholic and a womanizer, left the family repeatedly and finally divorced Randy’s mother. And yet, Randy recalls: “For some reason, I really almost worshiped the man.”

Such misguided adoration is not unusual. In the United States, some 90 percent of the children of divorced parents live with the mother and visit the father. Thus, the mother is often responsible for the day-to-day care of her children​—including discipline. And in spite of support payments, the mother’s economic status usually goes way down after the divorce; the father’s may even rise. The result: A visit with Dad means getting gifts and having fun! Life with Mom means pinching pennies and being told what to do and what not to do. Sad to say, some youths have even left a Christian parent in order to live with a wealthier and more permissive unbelieving parent.​—Compare Proverbs 19:4.

If you are tempted to make such a choice, check your values. Remember that your Creator values most what you really need​—moral guidance and discipline. Nothing else a parent can offer will so deeply affect your character and the quality of your life. Discipline is a sign of real love.​—See Proverbs 4:13; 13:24.