When a Loved One Dies

On Tuesday evening, July 17, 2007, about seven o’clock, a passenger plane skidded off the runway at Brazil’s busiest airport, in the heart of São Paulo. The plane crossed a major road and crashed into a cargo depot. Some 200 people died in the accident.

WHAT has been described as Brazil’s worst airline disaster will remain indelibly etched in the memories of those who lost loved ones. Claudete was among those who experienced such a loss. She was watching TV when she heard the news about the plane crash. Her son, Renato, was on the plane. He was only 26. He had planned to get married in October. Desperately Claudete tried to contact him on his cell phone, but there was no reply. She collapsed on the floor and cried inconsolably.

Antje lost her fiancé in a tragic car accident in January 1986. When she heard the news, she went into a state of shock. “My initial reaction was one of disbelief. I felt that it was a bad dream and that I would suddenly wake up and find out that it was not true. I trembled and felt terrible pains as if someone had hit me in the stomach.” Antje suffered from depression for the next three years. Although more than 20 years have passed since the accident, she still trembles when she recalls what happened.

Mere words cannot convey the overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness, and despair that can result from such tragic, unexpected losses. However, even when the death of a loved one is expected, as might be the case after his or her long illness, grief can still be very intense. No one is ever totally prepared for the death of a loved one. Nanci’s mother died in 2002 after a long illness. Yet, the day her mother died, Nanci sat on the hospital floor in a complete state of shock. Life seemed to have lost all meaning for her. Five years have gone by, but she still cries when she thinks of her mother.

“People never get over a loss, they just get used to it,” stated Dr. Holly G. Prigerson. If you have lost a loved one in death, unexpectedly or not, you may wonder: ‘Is it normal to grieve? How is it possible to cope with the loss of a loved one? Will I ever see my loved one again?’ The following article will discuss these and other questions you may have.

[Picture Credit Line on page 3]

EVERTON DE FREITAS/​AFP/​Getty Images

“All his [Jacob’s] sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. ‘No,’ he said, ‘in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.’ So his father wept for him.”​—GENESIS 37:35, The Holy Bible—​New International Version.

THE patriarch Jacob grieved deeply over the loss of his son. He expected to grieve until the day he died. Like Jacob, you may feel that the pain of losing a loved one is so deep that it will never go away. Does such intense grief necessarily indicate a lack of faith in God? Definitely not!

The Bible portrays Jacob as a man of faith. Along with his grandfather Abraham and his father, Isaac, Jacob is commended for his outstanding faith. (Hebrews 11:8, 9, 13) Why, on one occasion, he even wrestled all night with an angel to get a blessing from God! (Genesis 32:24-30) Evidently, Jacob was a deeply spiritual man. What, then, can we learn from Jacob’s grief? Deep feelings of grief and sorrow when a loved one dies are not incompatible with strong faith in God. Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone we love.

What Is Grief?

Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. Consider the experience of Leonardo, who was 14 years old when his father suddenly died from cardiorespiratory problems. Leonardo will never forget the day his aunt broke the news to him. At first, he refused to believe that it was true. He saw his father’s body at the funeral, but it all seemed strangely unreal. For about six months, Leonardo was unable to cry. Often, he found himself waiting for his father to come home from work. It took about a year before the full impact of the loss sank in. When it did, he felt terribly alone. Ordinary things​—such as coming home to an empty house—​reminded him of his father’s absence. At such times, he often broke down and cried. How he missed his father!

As Leonardo’s experience well illustrates, grief can be intense. The good news is that recovery is possible. However, it may take some time. Just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. Recovering from grief may take months, a few years, or even longer. But the acute pain you feel in the beginning will lessen in time, and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless.

In the meantime, grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically.