How Much Freedom?

Perhaps the most frequent cause of conflict between parents and adolescents has to do with the issue of independence. How much freedom should be given to a teenager? “Sometimes I feel that if I give my daughter an inch, she wants a mile,” says one dad.

Obviously, granting youths unrestricted freedom will reap bad results. Indeed, the Bible warns that “a boy let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.” (Proverbs 29:15) Youths of any age need firm guidelines, and parents should be loving but consistent in their enforcement of family rules. (Ephesians 6:4) At the same time, youths need to be accorded a degree of independence so that they will be better prepared to make wise decisions later in life.

Think, for example, of how you learned to walk. At first, as an infant, you had to be carried. In time, you began to crawl and then to walk. Of course, becoming mobile can be dangerous for a small child. Thus, your parents kept a close watch on you and may even have put up barriers to restrict you from hazardous areas, such as stairways. Still, they allowed you to move about on your own so that in time​—after a number of inevitable falls—​you would learn to walk with ease.

Attaining independence involves a similar process. At first, parents, in effect, carry their small children. They do this by making decisions for them. Later, as their children demonstrate a degree of maturity, parents allow them to crawl, so to speak. They permit them to make certain choices for themselves. All the while, barriers are kept in place, and these protect youths from harm. As their children mature, parents allow them to “walk” on their own. Then, when they become adults, they will be fully able to ‘carry their own load.’​—Galatians 6:5.

Learning From a Bible Example

Evidently, as a preteen, Jesus was granted a measure of independence by his parents, but he did not abuse the trust that was accorded him. On the contrary, he “continued subject” to his parents as he “went on progressing in wisdom and in physical growth and in favor with God and men.”​—Luke 2:51, 52.

As a parent, you can learn from this example and grant your young ones increased freedom as they show themselves capable of handling it. Note what some parents have to say about their experiences in this regard.

“I used to interfere with my children’s activities far too much. Later, I taught them principles and let them make decisions according to what they had learned. After that, I noticed that they began weighing their decisions more carefully.”​—Soo Hyun, Korea.

“My husband and I are always a bit apprehensive, but we have not let this keep our children from exercising in a responsible way the freedom that they have rightly earned.”​—Daria, Brazil.

“I have found it important to praise my teenage son for the good way he uses the independence that I grant him. I also do what I ask him to do. For example, I tell him where I’m going and what I’m doing. If I’m running late, I let him know.”​—Anna, Italy.

“In our home we emphasize that independence isn’t something our sons are entitled to but something they have to prove they can be trusted with.”​—Peter, Britain.

Bearing the Consequences

The Bible states: “Good it is for an able-bodied man that he should carry the yoke during his youth.” (Lamentations 3:27) One of the best ways a youth can bear the yoke of responsibility is to learn by experience the truthfulness of the statement: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.”​—Galatians 6:7.

Likely with good intentions, some parents shield their teens from the consequences of unwise actions. For instance, suppose through frivolous spending a son gets himself into debt. What lesson will be taught if Dad and Mom simply pay it off for him? On the other hand, what lesson would be taught if the boy’s parents helped him to work out a plan to pay off the debt himself?

Parents do their children no favor when they fail to allow them to learn the consequences of irresponsible behavior. Rather than prepare them for adulthood, this only teaches them that someone will always be there to bail them out, clean up their messes, and cover up their mistakes. It is far better to give teens the opportunity to reap what they have sown and to learn how to work through their problems. This is an important aspect of having their “perceptive powers trained to distinguish both right and wrong.”​—Hebrews 5:14.

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Extending Freedom

Often teenagers want more freedom than they should have. At the same time, some parents tend to extend less freedom than they could. Somewhere between the two extremes, there is a balance. How can you find it? For a start, you may want to consider the list below. In which areas is your son or daughter demonstrating responsible behavior?

□ Choice of friends

□ Choice of clothing

□ Budgeting money

□ Adhering to curfew

□ Finishing chores

□ Completing schoolwork

□ Apologizing for errors

□ Other ․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․․

If your adolescent is already demonstrating maturity in a number of the above areas, why not think of some ways you can extend further trust?