The “New” Grandparents

“Welcome to Grandma and Grandpa’s—Children Spoiled While You Wait.” So reads the sign on the entrance to Gene and Jane’s home.

STEP inside, however, and you will not see an elderly couple in rocking chairs. Rather, you will find a youthful, energetic couple in their 40’s. Far from shunning their roles as ‘elder statesmen,’ Gene and Jane have enthusiastically embraced grandparenthood. “True, it’s one of those little signals in life that you’re getting older,” says Gene, “but this is one of the rewards, the payback for raising your kids—grandchildren.”

An ancient proverb says: “The crown of old men is the grandsons.” (Proverbs 17:6) Grandparents and grandchildren often enjoy a very special bond of love and closeness. And according to the journal Generations, “an unprecedented number of people in American society are grandparents.” The reason? “Increased life expectancy and new rhythms in the family life cycle,” explains the article. “Changes in mortality and fertility mean that an estimated three-quarters of adults will live to be grandparents . . . Most middle-aged people become grandparents around age 45.”

A new generation of grandparents has arisen in some lands. Many, though, are finding themselves more and more involved in caring for their grandchildren. For example, Gene and Jane’s son and former daughter-in-law have divorced and share custody. “We are trying to help out by caring for our grandson while our son works,” explains Jane. According to one survey, grandparents in the United States who look after their grandchildren average about 14 hours a week doing so. This amounts to as much as 29 billion dollars worth of labor a year!

What joys do today’s grandparents experience? What are their challenges? The following articles explore these questions.

Grandparents—Their Joys and Challenges

“I love being a grandparent! You enjoy your grandchildren without feeling accountable or responsible for them. You realize that you have an influence on their lives but that ultimately you don’t have the final say. Their parents do.”—Gene, a grandparent.

WHAT is it about being a grandparent that can evoke such enthusiasm? Researchers point out that the normal demands that parents naturally place upon children can generate a lot of tension. Because grandparents usually do not have to make such demands, they can enjoy a much more stress-free relationship with grandchildren. As Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., puts it, they are free to love their grandchildren simply “because they breathe.” A grandmother named Esther says: “With my own children, my daily emotions were so involved with everything they did. As a grandparent, I feel free to just enjoy and love my grandchildren.”

Then there is the increased wisdom and competence that come with age. (Job 12:12) No longer young and inexperienced, grandparents have years of parenting under their belts. Having learned from their mistakes, they may be more competent in handling children than they were when they were younger.

Dr. Kornhaber thus concludes: “A healthy and loving bond between grandparents and grandchildren is necessary for the emotional health and happiness of all three generations. This bond is a natural birthright for children, . . . a legacy bequeathed by their elders that benefits everyone in the family.” The journal Family Relations similarly notes: “Grandparents who participate and identify with the role of grandparent develop an increased sense of well-being and morale.”

A Grandparent’s Role

There are many valuable roles that grandparents can fill. “They can be supportive of their married children,” says Gene. “I think that by doing so, they can offset some of the tough circumstances that young parents find themselves in.” Grandparents can also do much to support the grandchildren themselves. It is often the grandparent who passes on the stories that give a child a sense of family history. Grandparents frequently play a key role in passing on a family’s religious heritage.

In many families, grandparents serve as trusted mentors. “Maybe there are things that children will share with you that they are not comfortable talking about with their parents,” says Jane, mentioned in the first article. Parents generally welcome such added support. According to one study, “over 80 percent of the teenagers viewed their grandparents as confidantes. . . . A large proportion of adult grandchildren maintain contact with their closest grandparents on a regular basis.”

A loving grandparent can be especially important to a child who lacks proper nurturing at home. “My grandmother was the most important person in my early childhood,” writes Selma Wassermann. “It was my grandmother who stepped in and filled my world with nurturing. She had a lap bigger than Miami Beach, and when she took me into it, I knew I was safe. . . . It was from my grandmother that I learned the most important things about myself—that I was loved and therefore lovable.”—The Long Distance Grandmother.

Family Tensions

Grandparenthood is not without potential tensions and problems, though. One parent, for example, recalls a bitter dispute with her mother over the proper method of burping a baby. “It caused a breach between us at a very vulnerable moment for me.” Understandably, young parents want their parents to approve of the way they raise their children. Suggestions from their well-meaning parents can thus feel like devastating criticism.

In his book Between Parents and Grandparents, Dr. Kornhaber tells of two parents with another common problem. Says one parent: “I get invaded every day by my parents, and they are upset if I am not at home when they come. . . . They don’t think about me—my feelings and my privacy.” Complains another: “My parents want to possess my little girl. They eat, sleep, and think Susie twenty-four hours a day. . . . We are thinking of moving away.”

Sometimes grandparents are also accused of spoiling their grandchildren by showering them with gifts. Of course, generosity is as natural to a grandparent as breathing, but some do seem to go overboard in this regard. At times, though, parental complaints may spring from jealousy. (Proverbs 14:30) “My parents were strict and harsh with me,” confesses Mildred. “With my kids they are generous and [permissive]. I am jealous because they haven’t changed the way that they act towards me at all.” Whatever the motives or reason, it can cause problems if a grandparent does not respect the parents’ wishes when it comes to gift giving.

Grandparents are thus wise to show discretion in their displays of generosity. The Bible shows that too much of even a good thing can be bad. (Proverbs 25:27) If you are not sure what kinds of gifts are appropriate, consult with the parents. In this way you will “know how to give good gifts.”—Luke 11:13.

Love and Respect—The Keys!

Sad to say, some grandparents complain that their work as caretakers and babysitters is taken for granted. Others feel that they are not given enough access to their grandchildren. Yet others say that their adult children have shunned them without even explaining why. Such painful problems can often be averted if family members show one another love and respect. The Bible says: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, . . . does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. . . . It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5, 7.

Perhaps you are a young parent and Grandma makes a well-meaning but irritating suggestion or observation. Do you really have grounds to “become provoked”? After all, the Bible shows that it is the role of older Christian women to teach “young women . . . to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home.” (Titus 2:3-5) And do not you and the grandparents want the same thing—the very best for your children? Since love “does not look for its own interests,” perhaps it is best to focus on the needs of the child—not on your own feelings. Doing so might help you to avoid “forcing one another to a showdown” over every trivial irritation.—Galatians 5:26, footnote.

Granted, you may fear that too much generosity will spoil your child. But usually a grandparent does not have evil motives when he or she is generous. Most child-care professionals agree that how you train and discipline your child will have a far greater impact than the occasional intervention of a grandparent. One doctor advises: “Maintaining a good sense of humor helps.”

If you have legitimate cause for concern over some child-care issue, do not cut your parent or in-law off from contact with your children. Says the Bible: “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk.” (Proverbs 15:22) At the “right time,” have a serious discussion and reveal your concerns. (Proverbs 15:23) Oftentimes, solutions can be worked out.

Are you a grandparent? Then showing respect for your grandchild’s parents is essential. Of course, you would feel obliged to speak up if you felt that your grandchild was in danger. But while it is natural for you to love and cherish your grandchildren, parents—not grandparents—have the responsibility of raising their children. (Ephesians 6:4) The Bible commands your grandchildren to respect and obey their parents. (Ephesians 6:1, 2; Hebrews 12:9) So try to avoid barraging their parents with unrequested advice or undermining parental authority.—Compare 1 Thessalonians 4:11.

True, stepping back, holding your tongue—and perhaps your breath—and letting your children do their job as parents is not always easy. But as Gene puts it, “unless they ask for advice, you have to go with what they feel is best for their children.” Says Jane: “I am careful not to say, ‘This is the way it should be done!’ There are a lot of different ways to do things, and if you’re opinionated, it can cause problems.”

What Grandparents Can Give

The Bible portrays having grandchildren as a blessing from God. (Psalm 128:3-6) By taking an interest in your grandchildren, you can be a powerful influence in their lives, helping them to develop godly values. (Compare Deuteronomy 32:7.) In Bible times a woman named Lois played a significant role in helping her grandson, Timothy, to grow up to be an outstanding man of God. (2 Timothy 1:5) Similarly, you can experience joy as your grandchildren respond to godly training.

You can also be a source of needed love and affection. True, you may not be the gushy, affectionate type. However, godly love can also be shown by taking a sincere, unselfish interest in your grandchildren. Writer Selma Wassermann says: “Showing interest in what the child is telling you . . . will certainly indicate your caring. Being a good listener, not interrupting, being uncritical—all communicate regard, affection, prizing.” For a grandchild, such loving attention can be one of the finest gifts a grandparent can give.

Our discussion has thus far focused on the traditional grandparenting roles. Many of today’s grandparents, however, carry a much heavier load.

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“It was from my grandmother that I learned the most important things about myself—that I was loved and therefore lovable”

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Tips for Long-Distance Grandparents

• Ask the parents to send you videotapes or pictures of the grandchildren.

• Send audiotape “letters” to your grandchildren. For small children, record yourself reading Bible stories or singing lullabies.

• Send the grandchildren postcards and letters. If possible, establish a regular correspondence with them.

• If you can afford it, keep in touch with your grandchildren by long-distance telephone. When talking to small children, start conversations by asking simple questions, such as, “What did you have for breakfast?”

• If possible, make regular, brief visits.

• Arrange with the parents for your grandchildren to visit your home. Plan fun activities, such as going to zoos, museums, and parks.

When Grandparents Become Parents

“I had just come home from a meeting at the Kingdom Hall. There was a loud knock on the door, and standing outside were two policemen with two filthy children whose hair was matted and who looked like they hadn’t been washed in months. You could hardly tell that they were children! They were my grandchildren, and their mother—a drug addict—had neglected them. I was a widow, and I already had six children of my own. But I just couldn’t say no.”—Sally.a

“My daughter asked if I could take her children until she got straightened out. I didn’t know that she was on drugs. I ended up raising her two children. Years later, my daughter had another baby. I didn’t want to take her, but my grandson begged me, saying, ‘Grandma, can’t we make room for just one more?’”—Willie Mae.

GRANDPARENTING used to be described as “pleasure without responsibility.” But not anymore. Some estimate that in the United States alone, over three million children live with their grandparents. And the number is rapidly growing.

What is behind this disturbing trend? Children whose parents divorce may end up living with their grandparents. So may children who are neglected or abused by their parents. The journal Child Welfare says that because of its immobilizing effects on addicted parents, ‘crack cocaine is creating a lost generation.’ There are also millions of children who are “parentless” as a result of abandonment, parental death, and mental illness. Children who lose their mother to AIDS may also end up in the care of their grandparents.

Taking on child-rearing responsibilities during middle age or during “the calamitous days” of old age may be overwhelming. (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7) Many people simply do not have the energy to keep a constant eye on small children. Some grandparents are also taking care of their own aging parents. Yet others are widowed or divorced and must manage without the support of a mate. And many find that they are not prepared financially to take on such a load. In one survey, 4 out of 10 custodial grandparents had incomes near poverty level. “The children were sick,” recalls Sally. “I was forced to pay a lot of money for medicine. I got little financial help from the state.” One elderly woman recalls: “I had to use my retirement money to care for my grandkids.”

The Stresses and Strains

Not surprisingly, one study found that “caring for grandchildren generated considerable stress for grandparents, with 86 percent of the 60 grandparents in the study reporting feeling ‘depressed or anxious most of the time.’” Indeed, many report health problems. “It affected me physically, mentally, and spiritually,” says Elizabeth, a woman who cared for her teenage granddaughter. Willie Mae, suffering from heart trouble and high blood pressure, says: “My doctor believes it’s related to the stress of raising children.”

Many are unprepared for the change in life-style that raising grandchildren demands. “There will be times I can’t go places,” says one grandparent. “I would feel guilty . . . about leaving them with someone else, so rather than going somewhere or doing something, I don’t go or don’t do it.” Another described her personal time as “nonexistent.” Social isolation and loneliness are common. One grandmother said: “In our age bracket most of our friends don’t have [young] children and as a result a lot of times we don’t accept invitations to go because our children [the grandchildren] are not invited.”

Also painful are the emotional pressures. Says an article in U.S.News & World Report: “Many of them [grandparents] are racked by shame and guilt at the fact that their own children have failed as parents—and many blame themselves, wondering where they went wrong as parents. In order to provide safe and loving homes to their grandchildren, some must emotionally abandon their own abusive or drug-addicted children.”

One survey reports: “More than one-fourth . . . said that their satisfaction with their marital relationship had declined as a result of providing care.” Husbands, in particular, often feel neglected as their wives shoulder the lion’s share of the child care. Some husbands feel that they simply cannot handle the pressure. Says one woman of her husband: “He walked out on us. . . . I think he just felt trapped.”

Angry Children

Says U.S.News & World Report: “The stresses are compounded by the fact that some of the children [grandparents] inherit are among the most needy, most emotionally damaged and most angry in the nation.”

Consider Elizabeth’s granddaughter. The child’s father literally abandoned her at the street corner where Elizabeth worked as a school crossing guard. “She is an angry child,” says Elizabeth. “She is hurt.” Sally’s grandchildren bear similar wounds. “My grandson is bitter. He feels that nobody wants him.” Having a loving father and mother is a child’s birthright. Imagine how it feels to a child to be abandoned, neglected, or rejected by them! Understanding these feelings can be the key to dealing patiently with children who develop behavioral problems. Says Proverbs 19:11: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger.”

For example, an abandoned child may resist your efforts to care for him. Understanding the child’s fears and anxieties can help you to respond with compassion. Perhaps acknowledging his fears and reassuring him that you will do all you can to take care of him will do much to quell his fears.

Coping With the Pressures

‘I’ve been feeling very hurt and sorry for myself. It’s just not fair for this to happen to us.’ So said one custodial grandparent. If you are in that situation, you may have similar feelings. But the matter is far from hopeless. For one thing, age may limit your physical energy, but age is an asset when it comes to wisdom, patience, and skill. Not surprisingly, a study found that “children reared solely by their grandparents fared quite well relative to children in families with one biological parent present.”

The Bible urges us to ‘throw all our anxiety upon Jehovah, because he cares for us.’ (1 Peter 5:7) So constantly pray to him for strength and guidance, as did the psalmist. (Compare Psalm 71:18.) Give attention to your own spiritual needs. (Matthew 5:3) “Christian meetings and preaching to others helped me survive,” says one Christian woman. Where possible, try to teach your grandchildren God’s ways. (Deuteronomy 4:9) God will surely support your efforts to raise grandchildren “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”—Ephesians 6:4.b

Do not be afraid to seek help. Often friends can be of assistance, particularly within the Christian congregation. Recalls Sally: “The brothers and sisters in the congregation were very supportive. When I fell down, they were there to pick me up. Some even helped me financially.”

Don’t overlook assistance that may be obtainable from the government. (Romans 13:6) Interestingly, according to one survey of grandparents, “most do not know what is available or where to look for help.” (Child Welfare) Social workers and local agencies that assist the elderly may be able to direct you to helpful services.

In many cases, custodial grandparents are a product of these “critical times hard to deal with.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Fortunately, these difficult times are a sign that God will soon intervene and create “a new earth” in which the tragic situations that afflict so many families today will be things of the past. (2 Peter 3:13; Revelation 21:3, 4) In the meantime, custodial grandparents must do what they can to make the most of their situation. Many are having great success in their efforts! Always remember that in spite of the frustration, there can be joys. Why, you may even have the joy of seeing your grandchildren become upright lovers of God! Would that not make all your hard work worthwhile?

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Legal Issues

Whether or not to obtain legal custody of grandchildren is a ticklish and complex question. Explains Mary Fron, an expert on the subject: “On one hand, you have few legal rights without custody. In most cases, the biological parents can return and remove the child or children at any time. On the other hand, many grandparents are reluctant to seek custody, because that means standing up in court to say your child is an unfit parent.”—Good Housekeeping.

Without legal custody grandparents often have difficulty enrolling their grandchildren in school or even obtaining medical care for them. Gaining custody, however, can be an expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining ordeal. And even if it is obtained, grandparents may find themselves cut off from state financial support. The journal Child Welfare thus advises grandparents to “seek legal advice from a local attorney who is experienced in the state’s family law, custody cases, and child welfare.”

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Counting the Cost

The sight of a child in need—especially one’s own flesh and blood—is heartrending. And the Bible commands Christians to care for ‘their own.’ (1 Timothy 5:8) Nevertheless, in many situations a grandparent is wise to give serious thought before taking on such a responsibility. (Proverbs 14:15; 21:5) One must count the cost.—Compare Luke 14:28.

Prayerfully consider: Are you really in a position physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially to meet the needs of this child? How does your mate feel about the situation? Is there any way to encourage or assist the child’s parents so that they can care for their child themselves? Sad to say, some delinquent parents simply continue pursuing an immoral life-style. One grandmother recalls bitterly: “I took in several of her children. But she kept taking drugs and having more babies. I reached a point where I had to say no!”

On the other hand, if you do not care for your grandchildren, what will happen to them? Could you handle the pressure of knowing that they are being cared for by others, perhaps even strangers? What of the children’s spiritual needs? Will others be able to raise them according to God’s standards? Some may conclude that in spite of the difficulties involved, they have little choice but to take on the responsibility.

These are agonizing concerns, and each individual must make his or her own decision.