A NEW YORK (U.S.A.) man relates: “My son Jonathan was visiting friends a few miles away. My wife, Valentina, didn’t like him to go out there. She was always nervous about the traffic. But he loved electronics, and his friends had a workshop where he could get practical experience. I was at home in west Manhattan, New York. My wife was away visiting her family in Puerto Rico. ‘Jonathan will be back soon,’ I thought. Then the doorbell rang. ‘That’ll be him for sure.’ It wasn’t. It was the police and paramedics. ‘Do you recognize this driver’s license?’ the police officer asked. ‘Yes, that’s my son’s, Jonathan’s.’ ‘We’ve got bad news for you. There’s been an accident, and . . . your son, . . . your son has been killed.’ My first reaction was, ‘It can’t be true!’ That bombshell opened a wound in our hearts that is still healing, even years later.”

A father in Barcelona (Spain) writes: “Back in the Spain of the 1960’s, we were a happy family. There were María, my wife, and our three children, David, Paquito, and Isabel, aged 13, 11, and 9 respectively.

“One day in March 1963, Paquito came home from school complaining of severe head pains. We were baffled as to what could be the cause​—but not for long. Three hours later he was dead. A cerebral hemorrhage had snuffed out his life.

“Paquito’s death took place over 30 years ago. Even so, the deep pain of that loss stays with us to this day. There is no way that parents can lose a child and not feel that they have lost something of themselves​—regardless of how much time passes or how many other children they may have.”

These two experiences, where parents lost children, illustrate how deep and lasting the wound is when a child dies. How true the words of a doctor who wrote: “The death of a child is usually more tragic and traumatic than the death of an older person because a child is the last person in the family expected to die. . . . The death of any child represents the loss of future dreams, relationships [son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren], experiences . . . that have not yet been enjoyed.” And this sense of deep loss can also apply to any woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage.

A bereaved wife explains: “My husband, Russell, had served as a medical aide in the Pacific theater during World War II. He had seen and survived some terrible battles. He came back to the United States and to a more tranquil life. Later he served as a minister of God’s Word. In his early 60’s he began to have symptoms of a heart problem. He tried to lead an active life. Then, one day in July 1988, he suffered a massive heart attack and died. His loss was devastating. I never even got to say good-bye. He was not just my husband. He was my best friend. We had shared 40 years of life together. Now it seemed that I had to face a special loneliness.”

These are just a few of the thousands of tragedies that strike families throughout the world every day. As most grieving persons will tell you, when death takes your child, your husband, your wife, your parent, your friend, it is truly what the Christian writer Paul called it, “the last enemy.” Often the first natural reaction to the dreadful news may be denial, “It can’t be true! I don’t believe it.” Other reactions often follow, as we will see.​—1 Corinthians 15:25, 26.

However, before we consider the feelings of grief, let us answer some important questions. Does death mean the end of that person? Is there any hope that we can see our loved ones again?

There Is a Real Hope

The Bible writer Paul offered hope of relief from that “last enemy,” death. He wrote: “Death is to be brought to nothing.” “The last enemy to be abolished is death.” (1 Corinthians 15:26, The New English Bible) Why could Paul be so sure of that? Because he had been taught by one who had been raised from the dead, Jesus Christ. (Acts 9:3-19) That is also why Paul could write: “Since death is through a man [Adam], resurrection of the dead is also through a man [Jesus Christ]. For just as in Adam all are dying, so also in the Christ all will be made alive.”​—1 Corinthians 15:21, 22.

Jesus was deeply grieved when he met a widow of Nain and saw her dead son. The Bible account tells us: “As [Jesus] got near the gate of the city [Nain], why, look! there was a dead man being carried out, the only-begotten son of his mother. Besides, she was a widow. A considerable crowd from the city was also with her. And when the Lord caught sight of her, he was moved with pity for her, and he said to her: ‘Stop weeping.’ With that he approached and touched the bier, and the bearers stood still, and he said: ‘Young man, I say to you, Get up!’ And the dead man sat up and started to speak, and he gave him to his mother. Now fear seized them all, and they began to glorify God, saying: ‘A great prophet has been raised up among us,’ and, ‘God has turned his attention to his people.’” Notice how Jesus was moved with pity, so that he resurrected the widow’s son! Imagine what that portends for the future!​—Luke 7:12-16.

There, in front of eyewitnesses, Jesus performed an unforgettable resurrection. It was a token of the resurrection that he had already predicted some time prior to this event, a restoration to life on earth under “a new heaven.” On that occasion Jesus had said: “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”​—Revelation 21:1, 3, 4; John 5:28, 29; 2 Peter 3:13.

Other eyewitnesses to a resurrection included Peter, along with some others of the 12 who accompanied Jesus on his travels. They actually heard the resurrected Jesus speak by the Sea of Galilee. The account tells us: “Jesus said to them: ‘Come, take your breakfast.’ Not one of the disciples had the courage to inquire of him: ‘Who are you?’ because they knew it was the Lord. Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and the fish likewise. This was now the third time that Jesus appeared to the disciples after his being raised up from the dead.”​—John 21:12-14.

Therefore, Peter could write with utter conviction: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for according to his great mercy he gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”​—1 Peter 1:3.

The apostle Paul expressed his confident hope when he said: “I believe all the things set forth in the Law and written in the Prophets; and I have hope toward God, which hope these men themselves also entertain, that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.”​—Acts 24:14, 15.

Millions therefore can have the solid hope of seeing their loved ones alive again on earth but under very different circumstances. What will those circumstances be? Further details of the Bible-based hope for our lost loved ones will be discussed in the final section of this brochure, entitled “A Sure Hope for the Dead.”

But first let us consider questions you may have if you are grieving over the loss of a loved one: Is it normal to grieve this way? How can I live with my grief? What can others do to help me cope? How can I help others who are grieving? And principally, What does the Bible say about a sure hope for the dead? Will I ever see my loved ones again? And where?

A BEREAVED person writes: “As a child in England, I was taught not to express my feelings in public. I can remember my father, an ex-military man, saying to me through clenched teeth, ‘Don’t you cry!’ when something had caused me pain. I cannot recall whether my mother ever kissed or hugged any of us kids (there were four of us). I was 56 when I saw my father die. I felt a tremendous loss. Yet, at first, I was unable to weep.”

In some cultures, people express their feelings openly. Whether they are happy or sad, others know how they feel. On the other hand, in some parts of the world, notably in northern Europe and Britain, people, especially men, have been conditioned to hide their feelings, to suppress their emotions, to keep a stiff upper lip and not wear their hearts on their sleeves. But when you have suffered the loss of a dear one, is it somehow wrong to express your grief? What does the Bible say?

Those Who Wept in the Bible

The Bible was written by Hebrews of the eastern Mediterranean region, who were expressive people. It contains many examples of individuals who openly showed their grief. King David mourned the loss of his murdered son Amnon. In fact, he “wept with a very great weeping.” (2 Samuel 13:28-39) He even grieved at the loss of his treacherous son Absalom, who had tried to usurp the kingship. The Bible account tells us: “Then [David] the king became disturbed and went up to the roof chamber over the gateway and gave way to weeping; and this is what he said as he walked: ‘My son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! O that I might have died, I myself, instead of you, Absalom my son, my son!’” (2 Samuel 18:33) David mourned like any normal father. And how many times have parents wished they could have died in place of their children! It seems so unnatural for a child to die before a parent.

How did Jesus react to the death of his friend Lazarus? He wept on nearing his tomb. (John 11:30-38) Later, Mary Magdalene wept as she neared Jesus’ sepulcher. (John 20:11-16) True, a Christian with an understanding of the Bible’s resurrection hope does not grieve inconsolably, as some do who do not have a clear Bible basis for their beliefs regarding the condition of the dead. But as a human with normal feelings, the true Christian, even with the hope of the resurrection, does grieve and does mourn the loss of any loved one.​—1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14.

To Weep or Not to Weep

What about our reactions today? Do you find it difficult or embarrassing to show your feelings? What do counselors recommend? Their modern views often merely echo the Bible’s ancient inspired wisdom. They say that we should express our grief, not repress it. This reminds us of faithful men of old, such as Job, David, and Jeremiah, whose expressions of grief are found in the Bible. They certainly did not bottle up their feelings. Therefore, it is not wise to cut yourself off from people. (Proverbs 18:1) Of course, mourning is expressed in different ways in different cultures, also depending on the prevalent religious beliefs.a

What if you feel like weeping? It is part of human nature to weep. Recall again the occasion of Lazarus’ death, when Jesus “groaned in the spirit and . . . gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) He thus showed that weeping is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one.

This is supported by the case of a mother, Anne, who had lost her baby Rachel to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Her husband commented: “The surprising thing was that neither Anne nor I cried at the funeral. Everyone else was weeping.” To this, Anne responded: “Yes, but I have done plenty of crying for both of us. I think it really hit me a few weeks after the tragedy, when I was finally alone one day in the house. I cried all day long. But I believe it helped me. I felt better for it. I had to mourn the loss of my baby. I really do believe that you should let grieving people weep. Although it is a natural reaction for others to say, ‘Don’t cry,’ that doesn’t really help.”

How Some React

How have some reacted when desolated by the loss of a loved one? For example, consider Juanita. She knows how it feels to lose a baby. She had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor​—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born​—weighing just over two pounds (0.9 kg). “I was so excited,” Juanita recalls. “I was finally a mother!”

But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.”

An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they say, it is loved by its parents. There is a special bonding with the mother. When that baby dies, the mother feels that a real person has been lost. And that is what others need to understand.

How Anger and Guilt Can Affect You

Another mother expressed her feelings when told that her six-year-old son had suddenly died because of a congenital heart problem. “I went through a series of reactions​—numbness, disbelief, guilt, and anger toward my husband and the doctor for not realizing how serious his condition was.”

Anger can be another symptom of grief. It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or it may be anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.” And sometimes there is anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor.

Some feel guilty because of anger​—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s death. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times when they had become angry at the departed one or had argued with him. Or they may feel that they were not really all that they should have been to the deceased.

The long grieving process of many mothers supports what many experts say, that the loss of a child leaves a permanent gap in the life of the parents, particularly the mother.

When You Lose a Spouse

The loss of a marriage partner is another kind of trauma, especially if both led a very active life together. It can mean the end of a whole life-style that they shared, of travel, work, entertainment, and interdependence.

Eunice explains what happened when her husband suddenly died of a heart attack. “For the first week, I was in a state of emotional numbness, as if I had stopped functioning. I could not even taste or smell. Yet, my sense of logic continued in a detached way. Because I had been with my husband while they were trying to stabilize him using CPR and medication, I did not suffer the usual denial symptoms. Nevertheless, there was an intense feeling of frustration, as if I was watching a car go over a cliff and there was nothing I could do about it.”

Did she weep? “Of course I did, especially when I read the hundreds of sympathy cards I had received. I cried with each one. It helped me to face up to the rest of the day. But nothing could help when I was asked repeatedly how I felt. Obviously, I was miserable.”

What helped Eunice to live through her grief? “Without realizing it, I unconsciously made the decision to go on with my life,” she says. “However, what still hurts me is when I remember that my husband, who loved life so much, is not here to enjoy it.”

“Don’t Let Others Dictate . . .”

The authors of Leavetaking​—When and How to Say Goodbye advise: “Don’t let others dictate how you should act or feel. The grieving process works differently with everyone. Others may think​—and let you know that they think—​you are grieving too much or not grieving enough. Forgive them and forget about it. By trying to force yourself into a mold created by others or by society as a whole, you stunt your growth toward restored emotional health.”

Of course, different people handle their grief in different ways. We are not trying to suggest that one way is necessarily better than another for every person. However, danger arises when stagnation sets in, when the grief-stricken person is unable to become reconciled to the reality of the situation. Then help might be needed from compassionate friends. The Bible says: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” So do not be afraid to seek help, to talk, and to weep.​—Proverbs 17:17.

Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it is not wrong for your grief to be obvious to others. But further questions need answers: ‘How can I live with my grief? Is it normal to experience feelings of guilt and anger? How should I deal with these reactions? What can help me to endure the loss and the grief?’ The next section will answer those and other questions.

“I FELT a lot of pressure on me to hold in my feelings,” explains Mike in recalling his father’s death. To Mike, suppressing his grief was the manly thing to do. Yet he later realized that he was wrong. So when Mike’s friend lost his grandfather, Mike knew what to do. He says: “A couple of years ago, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said, ‘Be a man.’ Now I touched his arm and said, ‘Feel however you have to feel. It will help you to deal with it. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. But don’t be afraid to feel.’”

MaryAnne also felt pressure to hold in her feelings when her husband died. “I was so worried about being a good example to others,” she recalls, “that I did not permit myself the normal feelings. But I eventually learned that trying to be a pillar of strength for others wasn’t helping me. I began analyzing my situation and saying, ‘Cry if you have to cry. Don’t try to be too strong. Get it out of your system.’”

So both Mike and MaryAnne recommend: Let yourself grieve! And they are correct. Why? Because grieving is a necessary emotional release. Releasing your feelings can relieve the pressure you are under. The natural expression of emotions, if coupled with understanding and accurate information, lets you put your feelings in proper perspective.

Of course, not everyone expresses grief in the same way. And such factors as whether the loved one died suddenly or death came after a long illness might have a bearing on the emotional reaction of the survivors. But one thing appears certain: Repressing your feelings can be harmful both physically and emotionally. It is far healthier to release your grief. How? The Scriptures contain some practical advice.

Releasing Grief​—How?

Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”

What if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings? Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, David composed a highly emotional dirge in which he poured out his grief. This mournful composition eventually became part of the written record of the Bible book of Second Samuel. (2 Samuel 1:17-27; 2 Chronicles 35:25) Similarly, some find it easier to express themselves in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release.

Whether by talking or writing, communicating your feelings can help you to release your grief. It can also help to clear up misunderstandings. A bereaved mother explains: “My husband and I heard of other couples that got divorced after losing a child, and we didn’t want that to happen to us. So any time we felt angry, wanting to blame each other, we would talk it out. I think we really grew closer together by doing that.” Thus, letting your feelings be known can help you to understand that even though you may be sharing the same loss, others may grieve differently​—at their own pace and in their own way.

Something else that can facilitate the release of grief is crying. There is “a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) Surely the death of someone we love brings on such a time. Shedding tears of grief appears to be a necessary part of the healing process.

One young woman explains how a close friend helped her to cope when her mother died. She recalls: “My friend was always there for me. She cried with me. She talked with me. I could just be so open with my emotions, and that was important to me. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about crying.” (See Romans 12:15.) Nor should you feel ashamed of your tears. As we have seen, the Bible is filled with examples of men and women of faith​—including Jesus Christ—​who openly shed tears of grief without any apparent embarrassment.​—Genesis 50:3; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12; John 11:33, 35.

You may find that for a time your emotions will be somewhat unpredictable. Tears may flow without much advance warning. One widow found that supermarket shopping (something she had often done with her husband) could reduce her to tears, especially when, out of habit, she reached for items that had been her husband’s favorites. Be patient with yourself. And do not feel that you have to hold back the tears. Remember, they are a natural and necessary part of grieving.

Dealing With Guilt

As noted previously, some have feelings of guilt after losing a loved one in death. This may help to explain the acute grief of the faithful man Jacob when he was led to believe that his son Joseph had been killed by “a vicious wild beast.” Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So Jacob was likely plagued with guilt feelings, such as ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’​—Genesis 37:33-35.

Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. Realizing that guilt​—real or imagined—​is a normal grief reaction can be helpful in itself. Here again, do not necessarily keep such feelings to yourself. Talking about how guilty you feel can provide a much needed release.

Realize, though, that no matter how much we love another person, we cannot control his or her life, nor can we prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Besides, no doubt your motives were not bad. For example, in not making a doctor’s appointment sooner, did you intend for your loved one to get sick and die? Of course not! Then are you really guilty of causing that one’s death? No.

One mother learned to deal with the guilt after her daughter died in a car accident. She explains: “I felt guilty that I had sent her out. But I came to realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way. There was nothing wrong with sending her with her father to run an errand. It was just a terrible accident.”

‘But there are so many things I wish I had said or done,’ you may say. True, but who of us can say that we have been the perfect father, mother, or child? The Bible reminds us: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2; Romans 5:12) So accept the fact that you are not perfect. Dwelling upon all kinds of “if onlys” will not change anything, but it may slow down your recovery.

If you have sound reasons to believe that your guilt is real, not imagined, then consider the most important factor of all in allaying guilt​—God’s forgiveness. The Bible assures us: “If errors were what you watch, O Jah, O Jehovah, who could stand? For there is the true forgiveness with you.” (Psalm 130:3, 4) You cannot return to the past and change anything. You can, though, beg God’s forgiveness for past mistakes. Then what? Well, if God promises to wipe the slate clean, should you not also forgive yourself?​—Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9.

Dealing With Anger

Do you also feel rather angry, perhaps at doctors, nurses, friends, or even the one who died? Realize that this too is a common reaction to loss. Perhaps your anger is the natural accompaniment of the hurt you feel. One writer said: “Only by becoming aware of the anger​—not acting on it but knowing you feel it—​can you be free of its destructive effect.”

It may also help to express or share the anger. How? Certainly not in uncontrolled outbursts. The Bible warns that prolonged anger is dangerous. (Proverbs 14:29, 30) But you may find comfort in talking about it with an understanding friend. And some find that vigorous exercise when they are angry is a helpful release.​—See also Ephesians 4:25, 26.

While it is important to be open and honest about your feelings, a word of caution is in order. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings and dumping them on others. There is no need to blame others for your anger and frustration. So be mindful of talking out your feelings, but not in a hostile way. (Proverbs 18:21) There is one preeminent aid in coping with grief, and we will now discuss it.

Help From God

The Bible assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) Yes, more than anything else, a relationship with God can help you to cope with the death of someone you love. How? All the practical suggestions offered thus far have been based on or are in harmony with God’s Word, the Bible. Applying them can help you cope.

In addition, do not underestimate the value of prayer. The Bible urges us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) If talking out your feelings with a sympathetic friend can help, how much more will pouring out your heart to “the God of all comfort” help you!​—2 Corinthians 1:3.

It is not that prayer simply makes us feel better. The “Hearer of prayer” promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it. (Psalm 65:2; Luke 11:13) And God’s holy spirit, or active force, can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to go from one day to the next. (2 Corinthians 4:7) Remember: God can help his faithful servants to endure any and every problem they may face.

One woman who lost a child in death recalls how the power of prayer helped her and her husband through their loss. “If we were home at night and the grief just became insurmountable, we would pray together out loud,” she explains. “The first time we had to do anything without her​—the first congregation meeting we went to, the first convention we attended—​we would pray for strength. When we got up in the morning and the reality of it all seemed unbearable, we would pray to Jehovah to help us. For some reason, it was really traumatic for me to walk into the house by myself. And so every time I came home alone, I would just say a prayer to Jehovah to please help me to maintain some sort of calm.” That faithful woman firmly and rightly believes that those prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, ‘the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your heart and your mental powers.’​—Philippians 4:6, 7; Romans 12:12.

The help that God supplies does make a difference. The Christian apostle Paul stated that God “comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation.” True, divine help does not eliminate the pain, but it can make it easier to bear. That does not mean that you will no longer cry or will forget your loved one. But you can recover. And as you do, what you have experienced can make you more understanding and sympathetic in helping others to cope with a similar loss.​—2 Corinthians 1:4.

“IF THERE’S anything I can do, just let me know.” This is what many of us say to the newly bereaved friend or relative. Oh, we sincerely mean it. We would do anything to help. But does the bereaved one call us and say: “I’ve thought of something you can do to help me”? Not usually. Clearly, we may need to take some initiative if we are truly to assist and comfort one who is grieving.

A Bible proverb says: “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.” (Proverbs 15:23; 25:11) There is wisdom in knowing what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do. Here are a few Scriptural suggestions that some bereaved persons have found helpful.

What to Do . . .

Listen: Be “swift about hearing,” says James 1:19. One of the most helpful things you can do is to share the bereaved one’s pain by listening. Some bereaved persons may need to talk about their loved one who has died, about the accident or illness that caused the death, or about their feelings since the death. So ask: “Would you care to talk about it?” Let them decide. Recalling when his father died, one young man said: “It really helped me when others asked what happened and then really listened.” Listen patiently and sympathetically without necessarily feeling that you have to provide answers or solutions. Allow them to express whatever they want to share.

Provide reassurance: Assure them that they did all that was possible (or whatever else you know to be true and positive). Reassure them that what they are feeling​—sadness, anger, guilt, or some other emotion—​may not be at all uncommon. Tell them about others you know of who successfully recovered from a similar loss. Such “pleasant sayings” are “a healing to the bones,” says Proverbs 16:24.​—1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14.

Be available: Make yourself available, not just for the first few days when many friends and relatives are present, but even months later when others have returned to their normal routine. In this way you prove yourself to be “a true companion,” the kind who stands by a friend in a time of “distress.” (Proverbs 17:17) “Our friends made sure that our evenings were taken up so that we didn’t have to spend too much time at home alone,” explains Teresea, whose child died in a car accident. “That helped us cope with the empty feeling we had.” For years afterward, anniversary dates, such as the wedding anniversary or the date of the death, can be a stressful time for the survivors. Why not mark such dates on your calendar so that when they come around, you can make yourself available, if necessary, for sympathetic support?

Take appropriate initiative: Are there errands that need to be run? Is someone needed to watch the children? Do visiting friends and relatives need a place to stay? Recently bereaved persons are often so stunned that they do not even know what they need to do, let alone tell others how they may help. So if you discern a genuine need, do not wait to be asked; take the initiative. (1 Corinthians 10:24; compare 1 John 3:17, 18.) One woman whose husband had died recalled: “Many said, ‘If there’s anything I can do, let me know.’ But one friend did not ask. She went right into the bedroom, stripped the bed, and laundered the linens soiled from his death. Another took a bucket, water, and cleaning supplies and scrubbed the rug where my husband had vomited. A few weeks later, one of the congregation elders came over in his work clothes with his tools and said, ‘I know there must be something that needs fixing. What is it?’ How dear that man is to my heart for repairing the door that was hanging on a hinge and for fixing an electrical fixture!”​—Compare James 1:27.

Be hospitable: “Do not forget hospitality,” the Bible reminds us. (Hebrews 13:2) Especially should we remember to be hospitable to those who are grieving. Instead of a “come anytime” invitation, set a date and time. If they refuse, do not give up too easily. Some gentle encouragement may be needed. Perhaps they declined your invitation because they are afraid of losing control of their emotions in front of others. Or they may feel guilty about enjoying a meal and fellowship at such a time. Remember the hospitable woman Lydia mentioned in the Bible. After being invited to her home, Luke says, “She just made us come.”​—Acts 16:15.

Be patient and understanding: Do not be too surprised by what bereaved ones may say at first. Remember, they may be feeling angry and guilty. If emotional outbursts are directed at you, it will take insight and patience on your part not to respond with irritation. “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering,” recommends the Bible.​—Colossians 3:12, 13.

Write a letter: Often overlooked is the value of a letter of condolence or a sympathy card. Its advantage? Answers Cindy, who lost her mother to cancer: “One friend wrote me a nice letter. That really helped because I could read it over and over again.” Such a letter or card of encouragement may be composed “in few words,” but it should give of your heart. (Hebrews 13:22) It can say that you care and that you share a special memory about the deceased, or it can show how your life was touched by the person who died.

Pray with them: Do not underestimate the value of your prayers with and for bereaved ones. The Bible says: “A righteous man’s supplication . . . has much force.” (James 5:16) For example, hearing you pray in their behalf can help them allay such negative feelings as guilt.​—Compare James 5:13-15.

What Not to Do . . .

Do not keep away because you do not know what to say or do: ‘I’m sure they need to be alone right now,’ we may tell ourselves. But perhaps the truth is that we are keeping away because we are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. However, being avoided by friends, relatives, or fellow believers may only make the bereaved one feel lonelier, adding to the pain. Remember, the kindest words and actions are often the simplest. (Ephesians 4:32) Your presence alone can be a source of encouragement. (Compare Acts 28:15.) Recalling the day her daughter died, Teresea says: “Within an hour, the lobby of the hospital was filled with our friends; all the elders and their wives were there. Some of the women were in hair curlers, some were in their work clothes. They just dropped everything and came. A lot of them told us that they didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter because they were just there.”

Do not pressure them to stop grieving: ‘There, there, now, don’t cry,’ we may want to say. But it may be better to let the tears flow. “I think it’s important to allow bereaved ones to show their emotion and really get it out,” says Katherine, reflecting on her husband’s death. Resist the tendency to tell others how they should feel. And do not assume that you have to hide your feelings in order to protect theirs. Instead, “weep with people who weep,” recommends the Bible.​—Romans 12:15.

Do not be quick to advise them to discard clothing or other personal effects of the deceased before they are ready: We may feel that it would be better for them to discard memory-evoking objects because they somehow prolong the grief. But the saying “Out of sight, out of mind” may not apply here. The bereaved person may need to let go of the deceased slowly. Recall the Bible’s description of the patriarch Jacob’s reaction when he was led to believe that his young son Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. After Joseph’s blood-stained long garment was presented to Jacob, he “carried on mourning over his son for many days. And all his sons and all his daughters kept rising up to comfort him, but he kept refusing to take comfort.”​—Genesis 37:31-35.

Do not say, ‘You can have another baby’: “I resented people telling me I could have another child,” recalls a mother who lost a child in death. They may mean well, but to the grieving parent, words to the effect that the lost child can be replaced can ‘stab like a sword.’ (Proverbs 12:18) One child can never replace another. Why? Because each is unique.

Do not necessarily avoid mentioning the departed one: “A lot of people wouldn’t even mention my son Jimmy’s name or talk about him,” recalls one mother. “I must admit I felt a little hurt when others did that.” So do not necessarily change the subject when the deceased one’s name is mentioned. Ask the person whether he needs to talk about his loved one. (Compare Job 1:18, 19 and 10:1.) Some bereaved persons appreciate hearing friends tell of the special qualities that endeared the departed one to them.​—Compare Acts 9:36-39.

Do not be too quick to say, ‘It was for the best’: Trying to find something positive about the death is not always ‘consoling to depressed souls’ who are grieving. (1 Thessalonians 5:14) Recalling when her mother died, one young woman said: “Others would say, ‘She’s not suffering’ or, ‘At least she’s in peace.’ But I didn’t want to hear that.” Such comments may imply to the survivors that they should not feel sad or that the loss was not significant. However, they may be feeling very sad because they dearly miss their loved one.

It may be better not to say, ‘I know how you feel’: Do you really? For example, can you possibly know what a parent feels when a child dies if you have not experienced such a loss yourself? And even if you have, realize that others may not feel precisely as you felt. (Compare Lamentations 1:12.) On the other hand, if it seems appropriate, there may be some benefit in telling how you recovered from the loss of your loved one. One woman whose daughter had been killed found it reassuring when the mother of another girl who had died told of her own return to normal living. She said: “The dead girl’s mother didn’t preface her story with ‘I know how you feel.’ She simply told me how things were for her and let me relate to them.”

Helping a bereaved person calls for compassion, discernment, and much love on your part. Do not wait for the bereaved one to come to you. Do not simply say, “If there’s anything I can do . . .” Find that “anything” yourself, and then take the appropriate initiative.

A few questions remain: What about the Bible’s hope of a resurrection? What can it mean for you and your loved one who has died? How can we be sure that it is a reliable hope?