When Words Become Weapons

“There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword.”—PROVERBS 12:18.

“WITHIN weeks after the wedding, it started,” says Elaine.a “Unkind remarks, belittling comments, and efforts to put me down. I was no match for my husband. His quick mind and quick tongue could twist and distort everything I said.”

Throughout her marriage Elaine has been subjected to an insidious type of assault that leaves no scars and elicits little sympathy. Sadly, her situation has not improved with the passing of time. “We have been married now for more than 12 years,” she says. “There is not a day that passes without his being critical and sarcastic toward me, using harsh, vulgar speech.”

The Bible is not exaggerating when it says that the tongue can be “an unruly injurious thing, . . . full of death-dealing poison.” (James 3:8; compare Psalm 140:3.) This is especially true in marriage. “Whoever said ‘sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me’ was dead wrong,” says a wife named Lisa.—Proverbs 15:4.

Husbands can also be the target of verbal aggression. “Do you know what it’s like to live with a woman who is constantly calling you a liar, a stupid idiot or worse?” asks Mike, whose four-year marriage to Tracy is heading toward divorce. “I can’t repeat in polite company the things she says to me. That’s why I can’t talk to her and why I stay at work so late. It’s a lot safer than coming home.”—Proverbs 27:15.

With good reason, the apostle Paul admonished Christians: “Let . . . screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) But what is “abusive speech”? Paul distinguishes it from “screaming” (Greek, krau·geʹ), which denotes simply raising the voice. “Abusive speech” (Greek, bla·sphe·miʹa) refers more to the content of the message. If it is tyrannical, malicious, demeaning, or insulting, then it is abusive speech—whether it comes out in a shout or in a whisper.

The Wounds of Words

A pattern of harsh speech can weaken a marriage, just as ocean waves can erode solid rock. “The more intense and prolonged,” writes Dr. Daniel Goleman, “the greater the danger. . . . Habitual criticism and contempt or disgust are danger signs because they indicate that a husband or wife has made a silent judgment for the worse about their partner.” As affection breaks down, husband and wife become, as one book puts it, “married legally, but not emotionally.” In time, they may no longer be married at all.

Railing speech, however, can affect more than the marriage itself. A Bible proverb states: “Because of the pain of the heart there is a stricken spirit.” (Proverbs 15:13) The stress that results from a constant barrage of hurtful words can take a heavy toll on one’s health. For example, a study conducted by the University of Washington (U.S.A.) revealed that a woman who suffers constant reviling may be more prone to colds, bladder problems, yeast infections, and gastrointestinal disorders.

Many wives who have endured both verbal and physical battering remark that words can hurt more than fists. “The bruises from his slaps would eventually heal and go away,” says Beverly, “but I’ll never never forget the awful things he said about the way I look, the way I cook, how I take care of the kids.” Julia feels much the same way. “I know it sounds nuts,” she says, “but I’d rather he hit me and get it over with than play these mind games for hours.”

But why do some people attack and berate the one whom they professed to love? The following article addresses this question.

Uncovering the Roots of Abusive Speech

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”—MATTHEW 12:34.

SOME two millenniums ago, Jesus Christ stated the above words. Yes, a person’s words often reflect his deepest feelings and motives. They may be praiseworthy. (Proverbs 16:23) On the other hand, they may be treacherous.—Matthew 15:19.

One woman said regarding her mate: “He seems to get angry out of the blue, and living with him is often like walking through a mine field—you never know what will trigger an outburst.” Richard describes a similar situation with his wife. “Lydia is always primed for a fight,” he says. “She doesn’t just talk; she lashes out in this belligerent way, pointing her finger at me as if I were a child.”

Of course, arguments may erupt even in the best of marriages, and all husbands and wives say things that they later regret. (James 3:2) But abusive speech in marriage is more than that; it involves demeaning and critical speech that is intended to dominate, or control, one’s spouse. Sometimes, harmful speech is disguised in a veneer of mildness. For example, the psalmist David described a man who was soft-spoken, yet inwardly sinister: “Smoother than butter are the words of his mouth, but his heart is disposed to fight. His words are softer than oil, but they are drawn swords.” (Psalm 55:21; Proverbs 26:24, 25) Whether outwardly malicious or camouflaged, harsh speech can devastate a marriage.

How It Begins

What causes a person to use abusive speech? Generally, the use of such speech can be traced back to what one sees and hears. In many lands sarcasm, insults, and put-downs are considered acceptable and even humorous.a Husbands in particular may be influenced by the media, which have often portrayed “real” men as domineering and aggressive.

Similarly, many who use denigrating speech were raised in homes where a parent’s anger, resentment, and scorn were spewed out on a regular basis. Thus, from an early age, they received the message that this type of behavior is normal.

A child raised in such an environment may pick up more than a pattern of speech; he may also assimilate a distorted view of himself and others. For example, if harsh speech is directed at the child, he may grow up feeling worthless, even provoked to being wrathful. But what if the child simply overhears his father verbally battering his mother? Even if the child is very young, he can absorb his father’s contempt for women. A boy may learn from a father’s conduct that a man needs to be in control of women and that the way to get control is to frighten them or hurt them.

An angry parent may raise an angry child, who in turn may grow up to become “a master of rage” who commits “many a transgression.” (Proverbs 29:22, footnote) The legacy of injurious speech can thus be passed on from one generation to the next. With good reason, Paul counseled fathers: “Do not be exasperating your children.” (Colossians 3:21) Significantly, the Greek word translated “exasperating,” according to the Theological Lexicon of the New Testament, can carry the sense of “preparing and stirring up for combat.”

Of course, parental influence does not excuse lashing out at others, verbally or otherwise; but it does help explain how a tendency toward harsh speech can become deeply ingrained. A young man may not physically abuse his wife, but does he abuse her with his words and his moods? Self-examination may reveal to a person that he has absorbed his father’s contempt for women.

Obviously, the above principles can also apply to women. If a mother verbally abuses her husband, a daughter may treat her husband in the same way when she gets married. A Bible proverb says: “It is better to be living in a waste land, than with a bitter-tongued and angry woman.” (Proverbs 21:19, The Bible in Basic English) Nevertheless, a man needs to be particularly cautious in this matter. Why?

The Power of Oppressors

The husband usually has greater power in a marriage than the wife does. He is almost always physically stronger, making any threats of physical harm all the more terrifying.b Additionally, the man often has better job skills, more independent living skills, and greater financial advantages. Because of this, a verbally battered woman is likely to feel trapped and alone. She may agree with the statement of wise King Solomon: “I myself returned that I might see all the acts of oppression that are being done under the sun, and, look! the tears of those being oppressed, but they had no comforter; and on the side of their oppressors there was power, so that they had no comforter.”—Ecclesiastes 4:1.

A wife may be confused if her husband vacillates between extremes—courteous one moment, critical the next. (Compare James 3:10.) Furthermore, if her husband is an adequate material provider, a wife who is the target of harsh speech may feel guilty for thinking that something is wrong in the marriage. She may even blame herself for her husband’s conduct. “Just like a physically battered wife,” confesses one woman, “I always used to think it had something to do with me.” Says another wife: “I was led to believe if I would just try harder to understand him and ‘be patient’ with him I would find peace.” Sadly, the mistreatment often continues.

It is indeed tragic that many husbands misuse their power by dominating the woman they may have vowed to love and cherish. (Genesis 3:16) But what can be done about such a situation? “I don’t want to leave,” says one wife, “I just want him to stop abusing me.” After nine years of marriage, a husband admits: “I realize that I am in a verbally abusive relationship and that I am the abuser. I definitely want to change, not leave.”

There is help for those whose marriage has been racked by hurtful speech, as the following article will show.

[Footnotes]

From Words That Hurt to Words That Heal

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”—PROVERBS 18:21.

REVILING—a deliberate practice of using insulting, abusive speech—is clearly condemned in the Bible. Under the Mosaic Law, one who reviled his parents could incur the death penalty. (Exodus 21:17) Thus, Jehovah God does not view the matter lightly. His Word, the Bible, does not support the notion that whatever happens ‘behind closed doors’ is of little consequence as long as one claims to serve God. The Bible states: “If any man seems to himself to be a formal worshiper and yet does not bridle his tongue, but goes on deceiving his own heart, this man’s form of worship is futile.” (James 1:26; Psalm 15:1, 3) So if a man verbally abuses his wife, all of his other Christian works could be rendered useless in God’s eyes.a—1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

Furthermore, a Christian who is a reviler could face expulsion from the congregation. He could even lose out on the blessings of God’s Kingdom. (1 Corinthians 5:11; 6:9, 10) Clearly, a person who is hurtful with his words needs to make a drastic change. But how can this be accomplished?

Bringing the Problem to Light

Obviously, an offender will not change unless he clearly understands that he has a serious problem. Unfortunately, as one counselor observed, many men who use abusive speech “do not view their behavior as abuse at all. To these men, such actions are entirely normal and are the ‘natural’ way husbands and wives relate.” Thus, many will not see the need to change until the situation is straightforwardly brought to their attention.

Oftentimes, after prayerfully weighing her situation, the wife will feel compelled to speak up—for her own welfare and that of her children and out of concern for her husband’s standing with God. True, there is always the chance that speaking up may make matters worse and that her words may be met with a volley of denials. Perhaps a wife can circumvent this by giving careful forethought to how she will broach the subject. “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 25:11) A mild yet frank approach at a calm moment may reach his heart.—Proverbs 15:1.

Instead of making accusations, a wife should try to express herself from the standpoint of how the hurtful speech affects her. “I” statements often work best. For example, ‘I feel hurt because . . .’ or ‘I feel crushed when you say to me . . .’ Such statements are more likely to reach the heart, for they attack the problem rather than the person.—Compare Genesis 27:46–28:1.

A wife’s firm but tactful intervention can have good results. (Compare Psalm 141:5.) A man we will call Steven found this to be so. “My wife recognized the abuser in me that I could not see, and had the fortitude to bring it out into the open,” he says.

Getting Help

But what can a wife do if her husband refuses to acknowledge the problem? At this point some wives seek outside assistance. In times of such distress, Jehovah’s Witnesses can approach their congregation elders. The Bible urges these men to be loving and kind when shepherding the spiritual flock of God and, at the same time, to “reprove those who contradict” the healthful teaching of God’s Word. (Titus 1:9; 1 Peter 5:1-3) While it is not their place to meddle in the personal affairs of married couples, the elders are rightly concerned when one mate is afflicted by the harsh speech of the other. (Proverbs 21:13) Closely adhering to Bible standards, these men do not excuse or minimize abusive speech.b

The elders may be able to facilitate communication between the husband and the wife. For example, one elder was approached by a woman who told of years of verbal battering by her husband, a fellow worshiper. The elder arranged to meet with the two of them. As each one spoke, he asked the other to listen without interrupting. When it was the wife’s turn, she said that she could no longer tolerate her husband’s explosive anger. For years, she explained, she had a knot in her stomach at the end of each day, never knowing whether he would be in an angry mood when he walked through the door. When he exploded, he would say demeaning things about her family, her friends, and her very person.

The elder asked the wife to explain how her husband’s words made her feel. “I felt like I was this bad person whom no one could love,” she replied. “I would sometimes ask my mother, ‘Mom, am I a difficult person to live with? Am I unlovable?’” As she described how his words made her feel, her husband began to cry. For the first time, he could see how deeply he had been hurting his wife with his words.

You Can Change

Some Christians in the first century had a problem with abusive speech. The Christian apostle Paul admonished them to put away “wrath, anger, badness, abusive speech, and obscene talk.” (Colossians 3:8) However, harsh speech is more a problem of the heart than of the tongue. (Luke 6:45) That is why Paul added: “Strip off the old personality with its practices, and clothe yourselves with the new personality.” (Colossians 3:9, 10) So change involves not only talking differently but also feeling differently.

A husband who uses injurious speech may need help to determine just what motivates his behavior.c He would want to have the attitude of the psalmist: “Search through me, O God, and know my heart. Examine me, and know my disquieting thoughts, and see whether there is in me any painful way.” (Psalm 139:23, 24) For example: Why does he feel the need to dominate, or control, his mate? What triggers a verbal assault? Are his attacks a symptom of deeper resentment? (Proverbs 15:18) Does he suffer from feelings of worthlessness, perhaps resulting from an upbringing that was marked by critical speech? Such questions can help a man uncover the roots of his behavior.

Abusive speech is difficult to uproot, though, especially if it has been inculcated by parents who themselves were verbally caustic or by a culture that promotes domineering behavior. But anything that is learned can—with time and effort—be unlearned. The Bible is the greatest help in this regard. It can assist one to overturn even strongly entrenched behavior. (Compare 2 Corinthians 10:4, 5.) How?

Proper View of God-Assigned Roles

Often, men who are verbally injurious have a distorted view of the God-assigned roles for husband and wife. For example, the Bible writer Paul states that wives are to be “in subjection to their husbands” and that “a husband is head of his wife.” (Ephesians 5:22, 23) A husband may feel that headship entitles him to absolute control. But this is not so. His wife, though in subjection, is not his slave. She is his “helper” and “complement.” (Genesis 2:18) Thus, Paul adds: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it, as the Christ also does the congregation.”—Ephesians 5:28, 29.

As head of the Christian congregation, Jesus never berated his disciples, causing them to wonder nervously when the next outburst of criticism would occur. Instead, he was tender, thereby preserving their dignity. “I will refresh you,” he promised them. “I am mild-tempered and lowly in heart.” (Matthew 11:28, 29) Prayerful meditation on how Jesus exercised his headship can help a husband to view his headship in a more balanced light.

When Tensions Arise

Knowing Bible principles is one thing; applying them while under pressure is quite another. When tensions arise, how can a husband avoid slipping back into a pattern of harsh speech?

It is not a sign of manliness for a husband to be verbally aggressive when he is upset. The Bible states: “He that is slow to anger is better than a mighty man, and he that is controlling his spirit than the one capturing a city.” (Proverbs 16:32) A real man controls his spirit. He shows empathy by considering: ‘How do my words affect my wife? How would I feel if I were in her position?’—Compare Matthew 7:12.

The Bible acknowledges, though, that some situations can provoke anger. About such circumstances the psalmist wrote: “Be agitated, but do not sin. Have your say in your heart, upon your bed, and keep silent.” (Psalm 4:4) It has also been stated this way: “There is nothing wrong with being angry, but it is wrong to verbally attack by being sarcastic, humiliating or demeaning.”

If a husband feels that he is losing control of his speech, he can learn to call a time-out. Perhaps it would be wise to leave the room, go for a walk, or find a private place to cool down. Proverbs 17:14 says: “Before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.” Resume the discussion when tempers have settled.

Of course, no one is perfect. A husband who has had a problem with harsh speech may relapse. When this happens, he should apologize. Putting on “the new personality” is a continuing process, but one that reaps large rewards.—Colossians 3:10.

Words That Heal

Yes, “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21) Hurtful speech must be replaced with words that upbuild and strengthen a marriage. A Bible proverb states: “Pleasant sayings are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones.”—Proverbs 16:24.

Some years ago, a study was conducted to determine what factors caused strong families to function effectively. “The study found that the members of these families liked each other, and kept on telling each other that they liked each other,” reports marital specialist David R. Mace. “They affirmed each other, gave each other a sense of personal worth, and took every reasonable opportunity to speak and act affectionately. The result, very naturally, was that they enjoyed being together and reinforced each other in ways that made their relationships very satisfying.”

No God-fearing husband can truthfully say he loves his wife if he willfully injures her with his words. (Colossians 3:19) Of course, the same would be true of a wife who verbally batters her husband. Really, it is the obligation of both mates to follow Paul’s admonition to the Ephesians: “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth, but whatever saying is good for building up as the need may be, that it may impart what is favorable to the hearers.”—Ephesians 4:29.

[Footnotes]