“WELL, if you straighten up and do what you’re supposed to,” snapped Sherry, “then I’ll do what I should be doing.” Her husband, Allen, absorbed the outburst. But in his mind he felt it was the other way around. Both knew what the Bible said, but each felt that the other was not applying it.

Couples often reach such an impasse, believing that their problems are mainly the other’s fault. Convinced that it was Allen’s fault and that he was not going to change, Sherry moved out. “I felt that there was no point in my trying,” she said. “The situation seemed hopeless.” Have you ever felt this way? Fortunately, this couple found a solution that saved the marriage.

Is It Only One Person’s Fault?

While at a meeting of Jehovah’s Witnesses, Sherry heard something that touched her heart. A minister said that humility was vital in developing marital communication. Sherry humbly began to look at herself, to see if she had contributed to their problems.

Actually, we are all quick to absolve ourselves from blame. “The man who first puts his cause before the judge seems to be in the right; but then his neighbour comes and puts his cause in its true light.” (Proverbs 18:17, The Bible in Basic English) Blaming a mate only provides a shallow excuse and avoids the painful search into yourself for possible causes of the predicament. According to the Bible, you can either ‘build up’ or ‘tear down’ your marriage with your “own hands.” (Proverbs 14:1) Looking at ourselves in the “true light” often reveals room for improvement.

This soul-searching was the beginning of the solution for Sherry. She realized that she was not likely to change her admittedly bossy husband by the way she had gone about things. But she could change her response and how she talked to him. This might influence him to improve. So she returned home, determined now to watch her speech. The results were positive.

The Power of the Tongue

The “tongue that speaks peaceably is a tree whose fruit gives life,” says the Bible, but the “tongue undisciplined can break hearts.” (Proverbs 15:4, The Holy Bible, by Ronald A. Knox) Thoughtless, “undisciplined” speech will often elicit anger and resentment. “I always used to throw it up to him that all he married me for was to have someone keep his house and kids,” admitted Sherry. “He would get mad and start shouting. Well, I stopped saying this. I quit being so picky and critical. Instead of putting him down in front of the kids, I would wait till the right time to discuss things that I didn’t like. I tried to listen more and to compliment him when I could.”

Their marriage warmed as Allen responded. Do your words enrich your marriage or cause pain, ‘breaking the heart’ of your mate? Do you heed the Bible’s command to show ‘fellow feeling and tender compassion’?​—1 Peter 3:8.

For instance, another couple, Larry and Michele, was considering which dessert to prepare for a dinner party. “Keep it simple. Buy a cake,” urged Larry. Michele insisted on baking an elaborate cake. Sure enough, just before the guests were to arrive, Larry heard a wail from the kitchen. The unmolded layers had crumbled. “Didn’t I tell you it was dumb to try to make that cake?” said Larry, totally insensitive to her distress. “Now what are you going to do for dessert?”

“I came within an inch of throwing the whole mess in his face,” confessed Michele. Only the arrival of the guests averted violence. They scarcely spoke to each other for days afterward. But could Larry claim that it was all her fault? On the contrary, his thoughtless remark ‘stabbed like a sword,’ producing a fiery response. (Proverbs 12:18) How much more constructive if he had expressed sympathy and suggested another dessert!

What, though, if your mate is upset because of a bitter personal problem or failure? Oh, you realize that you are really not the target. But still, how do you manage when, out of frustration, that one lashes out at you?

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“Only in fairly rare instances, such as when, unknown to the partner at the time of the marriage, one partner is alcoholic or mentally ill, can most of the blame for a distressed marriage be ascribed to one of the partners instead of to both.” This is the conclusion reached by Gary Birchler of the University of California Medical School, after doing considerable research in the field of marriage.

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When tension mounts, will your words make the situation better or worse?