Loneliness in a World of Mass Connection

CELL-PHONE calls, text messages, e-mails, online social networks, chat rooms​—there has never been a time when the means of communicating were so numerous and easy to come by. Yet, in this world of mass connection, many people​—young and old—​feel very lonely. Why?

In their book Loneliness​—Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, researchers John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick thoroughly address the subject of loneliness. They refer to a study that says that “increased Internet use can increase social isolation as well as depression when it replaces more tangible forms of human contact.”

The hectic pace of life imposed by modern society is hardly conducive to warm human contact. A smile and the affection that can be seen in a person’s eyes cannot generally be conveyed over the phone or through a message on a computer screen.

The above can be true in the workplace but even more so within the family circle. In many homes family members come and go without sharing meals or conversation. Adolescent children have their own computer and live virtually isolated from the rest of the family. Ironically, in spite of their electronic communication gadgets, many youngsters feel lonely.

These days, even the bonds of marriage can be threatened by feelings of loneliness. Lack of communication between marriage partners can bring about a situation in which the two lead parallel lives, moving in lines that seldom meet. A feeling of being alone while living with a marriage mate is one of the most distressing forms of loneliness.

Single parents in particular may have to contend with feelings of loneliness. The world of mass connection, among many other things, can cut off companionship with their children, causing feelings of aloneness to increase. Also, many single people long to have a companion, but their emotional needs remain unfulfilled.

Loneliness has become a social evil that can contribute to alcoholism, overeating, drug abuse, promiscuous sexual behavior, and even suicide. It is therefore important to identify the causes of loneliness. Taking this first step can lead to success in coping with the problem.

Loneliness​—Identifying the Causes

LONELINESS is not the same as solitude. Rather, according to one dictionary, loneliness “more often suggests isolation accompanied by a longing for company.” The same dictionary explains that solitude can refer to the situation of “one who by wish . . . is cut off from normal contacts.”

So solitude can be desirable under some circumstances. Many often seek it for prayer or meditation, as did Jesus Christ. (Matthew 14:13; Luke 4:42; 5:16; 6:12) Loneliness, on the other hand, is a painful feeling. What can cause feelings of loneliness?

● Isolation in Crowded Cities

In big cities thousands​—even millions—​of people live in close proximity. Yet, paradoxically, this cramming of people together engenders widespread loneliness. The hustle and bustle of city life can prevent many from really getting to know their neighbors. Hence, city dwellers end up living among strangers. The all-too-common distrust of strangers and the desire to protect one’s privacy may indeed play a big role in the incidence of loneliness in big cities.

● Inhuman Work Methods

The way many large business concerns and industries are managed has led their employees at all levels to feel lonely and inadequate. Workers often experience unrelenting pressure and stress.

Moreover, within large companies, the systematic relocation of staff creates feelings of insecurity, isolation, and loneliness among workers. Commenting on a spate of suicides among the personnel of some French corporations, the International Herald Tribune said that many French workers feel “pushed beyond their limits by the pace of economic change.”

● Cold Communication

In Japan, Professor Tetsuro Saito said: “Communication ability is bound to decline as cell phones and other devices are now getting between people.” In Australia, The Sunday Telegraph reported: “Technology is . . . causing people to become more insular. People . . . e-mail or text one another rather than talk.”

Describing a reason for her feelings of loneliness, 21-year-old Rachel, who lives in France, complained: “I find that people make less of an effort to see you, as they believe that texting, e-mailing, and chatting online is enough. But it only makes me feel more lonely.”

● A Changed Environment

The economic crisis has caused widespread mobility, obliging people to relocate in order to keep their jobs or find work. Change of residence wrenches people away from their neighbors, their friends, their school, and sometimes their family. Those who are thus uprooted feel like a plant that has been transplanted but has left its roots behind.

Francis remembers the day he arrived in France from Ghana. He explains, “The language barrier, the lack of friends, and the cold climate all contributed to making me feel very lonely.”

Recalling her arrival in England as an immigrant, Behjat confides: “I found it difficult to adjust to the local culture. I had acquaintances but no real friends or family members with whom I could discuss matters and really express my feelings.”

● Loss of a Loved One

The death of a marriage mate leaves a huge void in the life of the surviving mate. This can be especially true of a person who has nursed his or her spouse over a long period. Feelings of total emptiness often occur.

Fernande, a widow who lives in Paris, explains, “What is hardest for me is no longer being able to confide in my best friend​—my husband.” Anny states that she misses her husband “particularly when having important decisions to make concerning health problems or other matters.”

● Divorce, Separation, Unwanted Singleness

A divorce or separation often leaves in its wake feelings of loneliness and failure. Children commonly suffer the most, much more than was previously realized. Some experts believe that children of divorce are more liable to become lonely adults.

Those who are unmarried because they cannot find a suitable marriage mate commonly experience periods of loneliness. Such feelings may be intensified when others make tactless remarks, such as, “Wouldn’t you be happier married?”

Single parents too experience loneliness. Parenthood involves not only joys but also problems, and single parents have to solve these without a partner to consult.

● Old Age and Youthful Inexperience

The elderly may often feel lonely, even if they are not neglected by family members. Relatives or friends may be able to visit occasionally, but what about the other times​—perhaps the days or weeks when no one visits?

At the other end of the age scale, young people commonly suffer loneliness. Many become addicted to solitary recreation​—to watching TV, playing video games, and spending countless hours alone in front of their computer.

Is it possible to find a solution to this increasing trend? How can one cope with loneliness?

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“The language barrier, the lack of friends, and the cold climate all contributed to making me feel very lonely”

How You Can Find Solutions

IF YOU suffer from loneliness, it might be helpful to ask yourself: ‘Are there things that I can do to improve matters? Could it be that I need to make some changes in my life? If so, what are they?’ The following questions may help you to make a personal analysis and find satisfying solutions.

Do I Need a Change of Outlook?

Loneliness can happen to anyone. But this negative emotion becomes a real problem only when it persists. If it does, it may be a warning signal that something has gone wrong with your outlook on life. The problem could stem from the way you act in the company of others. Some people may inadvertently create, as it were, a barbed-wire fence around themselves, discouraging people from offering their friendship. Sometimes all that is needed is a change in outlook.

Consider Sabine’s experience when she immigrated to England. “It takes time,” she said, “for trust to develop between new friends, so that you can relax and be confident in each other’s company. Why not ask others about their upbringing or background? I was told: ‘No culture is the right culture. Take the best out of all of them.’” Yes, as Sabine was encouraged to do, you may want to find qualities in the culture of others that will be beneficial for you to imitate.

Do I Shy Away From Others?

You might ask yourself: ‘Do I have a tendency to stay away from others? Would they be more friendly if I was friendlier with them?’ If you feel this may be the case, make an effort to be more outgoing. Roselise, a 30-year-old who moved from Guadeloupe to England, said, “Those who feel lonely have the tendency to isolate themselves.” So she advised: “Look for others who seem to be lonely too. Take the initiative and speak with them. Sometimes it only takes a question to begin a lasting friendship.”

It takes time and effort, though, to develop a close friendship. Learning to listen is a good way to start. By listening effectively, you will be in a better position to talk about things the other person finds interesting. Remember, fellow-feeling engenders friendship!

Is Negative Thinking My Problem?

A low opinion of yourself can be a barrier to striking up friendships. Ask yourself, ‘Do I have an inordinate tendency to think negatively of myself?’ Abigaïl, a 15-year-old from Ghana, admits: “Sometimes I had negative thoughts that made me feel lonely. I felt unloved and worthless.” You can be sure that if you reach out to others and help them in some way, they will not consider you worthless. They may reciprocate by offering you their friendship. So why not make the first move?

Positive thinking will also help you to make friends with those who are not of your own age group. A friendly relationship with a person somewhat older or younger than you are can be rewarding. A major factor in young Abigaïl’s overcoming her loneliness was her reaching out to older ones. She explained, “I benefited from their experience in life.”

Do I Isolate Myself?

Many lonely ones find a measure of relief by watching TV or playing video games for long periods of time or by spending hours at their computer. But when they turn off these gadgets, they are as lonely as before. Elsa, a 21-year-old from Paris, admits, “Television and video games can become like a drug that affects a person to the point where he no longer wants to make friends.”

A downside of TV viewing is that it provides no interaction, exchange of thoughts, or opportunities to make friends. Video games are much the same​—they take people into an imaginary world that disappears the moment they quit playing. Aimlessly surfing the Internet can provide escape from reality, but it can also expose you to immoral material or to people who hide their identity. The Internet is not a good place to find or cultivate genuine friendships.

Seeking a Marriage Mate?

Some single ones may pursue marriage simply to cure their loneliness. True, a kind and loving mate can bring tremendous joy to your life, but be careful not to rush into such an important decision as marriage.

Marriage is not necessarily the solution to the problem of loneliness. Married couples with communication problems are said to be “among the loneliest people in the world.” Unfortunately, there are more people in that situation than one may think. So if you wish to get married someday, why not address your problem of loneliness before you become romantically attached to someone? By adjusting your attitude and habits and by taking the initiative in making friends while you are still single, you may very well be establishing a solid foundation for a happy marriage.

You Can Cope With Loneliness

There may be no immediate solution to your loneliness. But you can successfully cope by following the Golden Rule, which Jesus articulated. He said: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” (Matthew 7:12) So if you want others to be friendly to you, be friendly to them. If you want others to open up to you, open up to them. Others may not reciprocate immediately, but in time some will. Even if they don’t, you will be happier because you tried.

Jesus stated another profound truth that may help you cope with loneliness: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” (Acts 20:35) If you give of your time to help others​—a child with his homework or an elderly person with shopping or keeping his or her house or garden neat—​you will feel happier and perhaps begin a genuine friendship.

Finding the Best of Friends

There are other practical ways to cope with loneliness. Get out and about. Go for a walk in the park or in the countryside, if possible. When alone at home, fill your time with creative things, such as sewing, doing odd jobs or repairs, or reading. One person wrote, “No distress has ever come upon me that an hour’s reading has not dispelled.” Many have found solace especially when reading Bible psalms.

Experts have observed that association with people of like religious faith can help one to overcome loneliness and can be beneficial to health as well. Where can you find people who strive to follow the Golden Rule? In a book on religious movements, an impartial observer wrote: “In their own congregational life [Jehovah’s] Witnesses form a genuine community of trust and acceptance.”

Jesus provided what might be called the hallmark of true Christianity when he told his disciples: “By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love among yourselves.” (John 13:35) This love​—first for God and then for fellow worshippers—​is what particularly identifies those who are practicing the true religion.​—Matthew 22:37-39.

Forming a friendship with God is the very best way to cope with loneliness. With him as your friend, you need never feel alone!​—Romans 8:38, 39; Hebrews 13:5, 6.

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HOW I RELIEVE MY LONELINESS

Anny, widow: “I try to control my thinking and to see the positive side of my situation.”

Carmen, single: “I have learned not to be ‘addicted’ to the past but to move forward and start new relationships.”

Fernande, widow: “If you put forth effort to help others, you forget your own troubles.”

Jean-Pierre, single: “I regularly take long walks, during which I open up my heart to God in prayer.”

Bernard, widower: “I keep in touch with my friends by telephone, not to recall sad memories, but for the pleasure of keeping in contact.”

David, single: “Although by nature I enjoy solitude, I have made a point of opening up to others.”

Lorenna, single: “I take the initiative to approach people and befriend them.”

Abigaïl, age 15: “I spend time with adult friends and benefit from their experience.”

Cherry, single: “I found that if you tell people that you are lonely, they make more of an effort to be friendly with you.”

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STEPS TO OVERCOMING LONELINESS

● Develop a positive outlook

● Limit isolated recreation, such as TV viewing

● Seek friends who share your values, including people not your own age

● Above all, seek God’s friendship

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Make friends with people who are not of your own age group