WHAT IT MEANS

Husbands and wives who are committed to their marriage view it as a permanent bond, and that creates a sense of security between them. Each spouse is confident that the other will honor the union, even in difficult times.

Some couples feel compelled to stay together because of social or family pressure. Far better, however, is a sense of commitment that is based on mutual love and respect.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “A husband should not leave his wife.”​—1 Corinthians 7:11.

“If you are committed to your marriage, you allow yourself to be wronged. You are quick to forgive and quick to apologize. You view problems as obstacles, not as deal breakers.”​—Micah.

WHY IT MATTERS

When confronted with problems, spouses without commitment are more likely to conclude, ‘We just weren’t made for each other’ and look for ways to get out of the marriage.

“Many people go into marriage knowing that they have a ‘fallback plan’​—divorce. When people enter marriage already thinking about the possibility of divorce, their commitment is lacking right from the start.”​—Jean.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

When in the middle of a dispute . . .

• Do you find yourself regretting that you married your spouse?

• Do you daydream about being with someone else?

• Do you say things such as “I’m leaving you” or “I’m going to find someone who appreciates me”?

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, now is the time to strengthen your commitment.

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

• Has the level of commitment in our marriage decreased? If so, why?

• What steps can we take now to strengthen our commitment?

TIPS

• Write an occasional love note to your spouse

• Show your commitment by displaying photos of your spouse on your desk at work

• Phone your spouse each day while you are at work or apart

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “What God has yoked together, let no man put apart.”​—Matthew 19:6.

WHAT IT MEANS

When there is teamwork in a marriage, a husband and wife are like a pilot and copilot with the same flight plan. Even when challenges arise, each spouse thinks in terms of “we” rather than “me.”

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “They are no longer two, but one flesh.”​—Matthew 19:6.

“Marriage is not a solo act. Husband and wife must work together to make it successful.”​—Christopher.

WHY IT MATTERS

When a conflict arises, a husband and wife who are not a team will tend to attack each other rather than the problem. Minor issues will turn into major obstacles.

“Teamwork is the essence of marriage. If my husband and I weren’t a team, we would be roommates instead of marriage mates​—two people who live together but who aren’t on the same page when it comes to important decisions.”​—Alexandra.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

• Do I view the money I earn as “all mine”?

• To relax fully, do I need to be away from my spouse?

• Do I keep my distance from my spouse’s relatives, even though he or she is close to them?

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

• In what aspect(s) of our marriage do we work well as a team?

• In what aspect(s) could we improve?

• What steps can we take to improve our spirit of teamwork?

TIPS

• Imagine a tennis match with the two of you on opposite sides of the net. Instead, what practical steps can you take to join your spouse so that you are both on the same team?

• Instead of thinking, ‘How can I win?’ think ‘How can we both win?’

“Forget about who is right and who is wrong. That isn’t as important as having peace and unity in your marriage.”​—Ethan.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Look out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.”​—Philippians 2:3, 4.

WHAT IT MEANS

Respectful spouses care about each other, even during a disagreement. “These couples don’t get gridlocked in their separate positions,” says the book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. “Instead, they keep talking with each other about conflicts. They listen respectfully to their spouses’ perspectives and they find compromises that work for both sides.”

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Love . . . does not look for its own interests.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

“To respect my wife means that I appreciate her value and I don’t want to do anything that would damage her or our marriage.”​—Micah.

WHY IT MATTERS

Without respect, conversation between spouses can become laced with criticism, sarcasm, and even contempt​—qualities that researchers say are early predictors of divorce.

“Making snide remarks, innuendos, or jokes about your wife will only crush her confidence, destroy her trust, and damage your marriage.”​—Brian.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

Track your conversation and actions for a week. Then ask yourself:

• ‘How often did I criticize my spouse, and how often did I give her a compliment?’

• ‘In what specific ways did I show respect for my spouse?’

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

• What actions and words would help each of you feel respected?

• What actions and words make each of you feel disrespected?

TIPS

• Write down three ways you would like to be shown respect. Have your spouse do the same. Exchange lists, and work on showing respect in the areas that were identified.

• Make a list of traits that you admire about your spouse. Then tell your spouse how much you appreciate those traits.

“To respect my husband means I show by my actions that I value him and that I want him to be happy. It isn’t always a grand gesture; sometimes a series of small acts can demonstrate genuine respect.”​—Megan.

In the end, it is not a matter of whether you view yourself as respectful or not; it is a question of whether your spouse feels respected.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, humility, mildness, and patience.”​—Colossians 3:12.

WHAT IT MEANS

To forgive means that you let go of an offense and any feelings of resentment it may have caused. Forgiveness does not require that you minimize the wrong or pretend it never occurred.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.”​—Colossians 3:13.

“When you love someone, you look past that person’s imperfections and instead see the person that he or she is trying to become.”​—Aaron.

WHY IT MATTERS

If you hold on to resentment, you can harm yourself physically and emotionally​—you can also damage your marriage.

“One time my husband apologized for something that hurt me deeply. It was hard for me to forgive him. I eventually did, but I regret that I didn’t do it sooner. It put an unnecessary strain on our relationship.”​—Julia.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

The next time you are hurt by something your spouse has said or done, ask yourself:

• ‘Am I overly sensitive?’

• ‘Is the offense so serious that I need an apology, or can I just overlook it?’

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

• How long does it usually take for us to forgive each other?

• What can we do to get to the point of forgiveness quicker?

TIPS

• When you are offended, do not attribute bad motives to your spouse.

• Try to excuse your spouse’s behavior, remembering that “we all stumble many times.”​—James 3:2.

“It’s easy to forgive when we’re both at fault, but it’s more difficult when the offense seems one-sided. Accepting an apology and forgiving takes true humility.”​—Kimberly.

BIBLE PRINCIPLE: “Be quick to settle matters.”​—Matthew 5:25.