Respecting Women in Everyday Life

IF WOMEN are to be respected more than at present, when and where must the change begin? Well, when and where do biases and prejudices usually form? At home and at school, during the formative years. We develop our attitudes to a large extent under parental influence. So who, logically, can have a powerful effect on the future attitudes of young men toward women? Obviously, the father and the mother. One of the keys to the problem therefore is proper education that can penetrate homes and influence parents.

How Women Are Viewed

That prejudice is built in at home is illustrated by Jenny, a married secretary, the eldest of four daughters, who said: “As young women, we were always conscious of the fact that in the United States, there are more women than men. So if you want to get married, you have to make yourself catchable.

“Then, too, women are conditioned to think that they are lesser creatures. Sometimes even your parents make you think you are worth less than the boys. When some man comes into your life, he sends the same message, that you are inferior to men.

“And why should our self-​esteem have to be based mainly on bodily proportions and endowments or the lack thereof? Are men judged that way?”

Betty, married for 32 years, formerly a store manager, made another point: “Why are women judged by their gender rather than by their experience, ability, and intelligence? All I ask is for men to listen to my mind. Don’t put me down on the basis of my sex!

“Too often men view women as if we were all dumb or stupid​—too dumb to make a right decision. You know what I say? Let them treat us as they would want to be treated. That will soon change their perspective!” All she asks is that men apply the Golden Rule, ‘Do to others as you would have them do to you.’​—Matthew 7:12.

These women raise some valid points. A woman’s true worth should not have to be based on superficial physical appearance and charm or on cultural prejudices. A Spanish proverb expresses it this way: “A beautiful woman pleases the eyes; a good woman pleases the heart. If the former is a jewel, the latter is a treasure.”

The Bible makes a similar point in a different way: “Your beauty should not be dependent on an elaborate coiffure, or on the wearing of jewelry or fine clothes, but on the inner personality​—the unfading loveliness of a calm and gentle spirit, a thing very precious in the eyes of God.” And just as we should not judge a book by its cover, so we should not judge people by their gender.​—1 Peter 3:3, 4, Phillips.

Showing Respect in the Home

A legitimate complaint of many women, especially working wives and mothers, is that husbands fail to recognize household chores as additional work, and they usually do not do their share. Susan Faludi, previously quoted, says: “Nor do women enjoy equality in their own homes, where they still shoulder 70 percent of the household duties.” What is the solution to this injustice?

While perhaps not palatable to many husbands in some cultures, a fair domestic arrangement should be worked out, especially if the wife also has to go out to work. Of course, any sharing of duties might also take into account fields of activity that are usually the responsibility of the male​—caring for the car, tending the yard and the garden, plumbing, electrical work, and so forth—​which, however, seldom match the time a wife spends in domestic chores. In some countries husbands even expect the wife to keep the car washed and clean, as if it were an extension of the home!

In a way, this suggestion to share in domestic chores is in line with the apostle Peter’s counsel to husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge.” (1 Peter 3:7) Among other things, this means that the husband should not simply be an impersonal, insensitive roommate or house partner. He should respect his wife’s intelligence and experience. He should also understand her needs as a woman, wife, and mother. This involves more than the need for a breadwinner to bring home a paycheck; many working wives also do that. He has to understand her physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and, above all, spiritual needs.

For the husband who claims to follow Christian principles, there is a greater responsibility involved​—that of imitating the example of Christ. He extended a beautiful invitation to all those who were “toiling and loaded down,” saying: “I will refresh you. . . . I am mild-​tempered and lowly in heart, and you will find refreshment for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28, 29) What a challenge for Christian husbands and fathers! Each one should ask himself: ‘Do I refresh my wife or repress her? Am I kind and approachable, or do I tend to be a tyrant, a despot, or a dictator? Do I show “brotherly affection” at Christian meetings and then become unbearable at home?’ There should be no Jekyll-​and-​Hyde husbands in the Christian congregation.​—1 Peter 3:8, 9.

Therefore, there can be no justification for the description of a husband given by one abused Christian woman: “The macho Christian head who is so nice at the Kingdom Hall and buys gifts for others but treats his wife like dirt.” Proper respect for a wife leaves no room for repression and humiliation. Of course, this is a two-​sided coin; a wife should also show proper respect for her husband.​—Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:1, 2.

In effect confirming the above, Dr. Susan Forward writes: “A good relationship is based on mutual respect.” That makes both partners responsible for success. She continues: “It involves concern for and sensitivity to each other’s feelings and needs, as well as an appreciation of the things that make each partner so special. . . . Loving partners find effective ways of dealing with their differences; they do not view each encounter as a battle to be won or lost.”​—Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them.

The Bible also gives fine counsel to husbands at Ephesians 5:28: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Why is that statement true? Because marriage is like a joint bank account in which both have deposited 50 percent. If a husband misuses any of that money, he harms the financial status of both. Likewise, if a husband harms his wife in any way, then in the short term or the long, he also harms himself. Why? Because his marriage is a shared investment. If you harm that investment, you harm both parties to it.

There is one vital point to be remembered about respect​—it should not be demanded. While each spouse owes the other respect, it must also be earned. Christ never got respect by trying to impose his superior power or position.a Likewise, in a marriage husband and wife earn respect by their mutually considerate course of action, not by using Bible texts as sledgehammers to demand it.

Showing Respect at Work

Do men need to view women as a threat to their male ego? In her book Feminism Without Illusions, Elizabeth Fox-​Genovese wrote: “In truth, many women today want what many men want: to make a decent living, to have a rewarding personal life, and to get on in the world without rocking too many boats.” Should that desire or ambition be construed as a threat to men? She also stated: “Why should we not recognize that, notwithstanding all the changes our world has undergone or may undergo, differences persist and can be enjoyed?”

Christian men who serve as foremen or overseers especially need to respect the dignity of their female fellow workers and recall that a married woman has only one man as her “head” in the Biblical sense, her husband. Others may be in positions of oversight and are respected for that; but again in the strict Biblical sense, no man except her husband is that woman’s “head.”​—Ephesians 5:22-24.

Conversations in the workplace should always be edifying. When men resort to conversation that includes double meanings or sexual innuendos, they are not showing respect for women, neither are they enhancing their own reputations. Paul wrote to Christians: “Let fornication and uncleanness of every sort or greediness not even be mentioned among you, just as it befits holy people; neither shameful conduct nor foolish talking nor obscene jesting, things which are not becoming, but rather the giving of thanks.”​—Ephesians 5:3, 4.

Changing a job assignment without taking a woman’s feelings into account is another way of failing to show respect. Jean, a nurse, said: “It would be so nice if there could be some consultation before changes are made in our work assignments. Certainly it would be good psychology. Women need compassion and need to feel that they are of value and are esteemed.”

Another aspect of respect in the workplace is the barrier that some women call the “glass ceiling.” This means the “institutional biases that prevent women from getting senior managerial positions in private industry.” (The New York Times, January 3, 1992) As a result, a recent study in the United States showed that a low percentage of higher level jobs are occupied by women, ranging from 14 percent in Hawaii and 18 percent in Utah to 39 percent in Louisiana. If respect is shown, promotion at the secular workplace will not be based on gender but on ability and experience. Director for research Sharon Harlan said: “It’s getting better, but . . . there still are a lot of structural barriers in place for women.”

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 14]

RESPECT What Can Women Do?

● Have and maintain SELF-​RESPECT

● Make clear what you allow to be said and done in your presence

● Set proper boundaries of acceptable conduct and speech

● Do not try to compete with men in the field of obscenity and dubious jokes; it makes you less a lady and does not make them gentlemen

● Do not dress provocatively, regardless of what the current fashion might be; the way you dress shows your own degree of self-​esteem

● Earn respect by your comportment; treat men with the respect you expect from them

● Do not be flirtatious

RESPECT What Can Men Do?

● Treat all women with respect and dignity; do not feel threatened by an assertive woman

● Do not be overly familiar with one not your wife, using uncalled-​for terms of affection

● Avoid off-​color jokes and suggestive stares

● Do not be overly complimentary, and avoid inappropriate touching

● Do not belittle or undermine her work or her person

● Consult, listen, and communicate in an objective way

● Express appreciation for the woman’s work

● Help with domestic chores. If you feel that it is beneath your dignity, what about hers?

● If you are living with your parents, be sensitive to the pressures your wife bears. She is now your first responsibility and needs your support (Matthew 19:5)

Respecting Women in the Congregation

FOR Christians the Bible establishes a theocratic chain of headship, with Christ in subjection to God, the man in subjection to Christ, and the woman in subjection to her husband. (1 Corinthians 11:3) However, this subjection does not imply dictatorship. Headship in the family is never established by violence, whether physical, psychological, or verbal. Furthermore, Christian headship is relative and does not mean that a husband can be a despot who considers himself infallible.a Knowing how and when to say “I’m sorry, you were right” could help many marriages to be mutually refreshing and long-​lasting. Yet, how easily those expressions of humility can choke in the throat!​—Colossians 3:12-14, 18.

In their marriage counsel, the Christian apostles Paul and Peter constantly bring us back to Christ’s example. Respect is earned by reason of a husband’s refreshing example as he imitates the model that Christ set, since “a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation, he being a savior of this body.”​—Ephesians 5:23.

Peter’s counsel to husbands is explicit: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge.” (1 Peter 3:7) A modern Spanish translation paraphrases these thoughts, saying: “Regarding husbands: show tact in your shared life, showing consideration for the wife.” These expressions imply many factors, including sensitivity in the marital relationship. A husband should not view his wife as just a vehicle for sexual satisfaction. One wife who had suffered from child abuse wrote: “I only wish you could say more about the support a husband can give to a wife who has had this experience. What most of us wives need to know is that we’re truly loved and cared for, not that we’re there just to satisfy some physical desires or as a housekeeper, with no emotional attachment.”b Marriage was instituted by God so that husbands and wives could be companions and helpmates for each other. It is a matter of teamwork and mutual esteem.​—Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 31:28, 29.

How a “Weaker Vessel”?

Peter also counsels husbands to assign honor to their wives “as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.” (1 Peter 3:7) What could Peter have meant by saying that the woman is “a weaker vessel”? Certainly, on an average, the woman is physically weaker than the man. The difference of skeletal and muscular structure accounts for that. But if we speak of inner moral strength, then the woman is by no means weaker than the man. Women have for years endured situations that perhaps most men would not tolerate even briefly​—including abuse by a violent or alcoholic spouse. And think what a woman endures in order to bear a child, including the hours of labor during birth! Any sensitive husband who has witnessed the miracle of birth must come away with increased respect for his wife and her inner strength.

On this matter of inner moral strength, Hannah Levy-​Haas, a Jewish inmate of the Ravensbrück Nazi concentration camp wrote in her diary in 1944: “One thing here upsets me terribly, and that is to see that the men are far weaker and far less able to stand up to hardship than the women​—physically and often morally as well. Unable to control themselves, they display such a lack of moral fibre that one cannot but be sorry for them.”​—Mothers in the Fatherland, by Claudia Koonz.

This experience serves to illustrate that there is no solid basis for discriminating against women just because they might be physically weaker. Edwin Reischauer wrote: “In modern times, it is generally accepted that women have more will power and psychological strength than men.” (The Japanese) This strength can be tapped in the Christian congregation when mature women may be able to help other women who are suffering severe emotional stress. Certainly, in some circumstances it is easier for an abused woman to turn to a mature woman for immediate relief than to a man. If the need arises, a Christian elder may be consulted for further guidance.​—1 Timothy 5:9, 10; James 5:14, 15.

The blanket dismissal of a woman’s reactions as being emotional, attributing them to “the time of the month” irritates many women. Betty, a practicing Christian, stated: “We know, as the apostle Peter wrote, that in certain respects we are the ‘weaker vessel,’ the feminine one, with a more delicate biological constitution. But that does not mean that a foreman or supervisor has to be condescending and paternalistic, attributing every female reaction to our monthly cycle. We are intelligent and want to be listened to with respect.”

Not all women are emotional, just as not all men are unemotional. Each person should be taken as an individual. Betty, previously quoted, told Awake!: “I don’t appreciate being categorized on the basis of gender. I have seen men weep and be subject to moods. And there are women who can be as hard as nails. So let men listen to us objectively without thinking of gender.”

What Is Needed for a Change?

If there is to be a change for the better, some say that it is not enough that women campaign for their rights and for justice; nor is it enough that men make some token gesture of respect for women. In every culture and setting, men must examine their role in the situation and ask themselves what they can do to make life happier and more refreshing for women.​—Matthew 11:28, 29.

Writer and poet Katha Pollitt wrote in Time: “Most men, of course, do not rape or batter or kill. But that doesn’t mean, as too many of them seem to think, that they have nothing to do with violence against women. Each of us in our daily lives helps shape the cultural images and assumptions that define the limits of the permissible. . . . I’m talking about men engaging in some serious self-​scrutiny, challenging their prejudices and privileges, taking their fair share of responsibility for the mess we are in.”

But even if men all over the world make a radical change in their attitudes toward women, it will still not be the complete solution to the injustices afflicting mankind. Why? Because men are inflicting injustices and barbarities not just on women but on their fellowmen. War, violence, murder, death squads, and terrorism are still the order of the day in many countries. What is needed is a whole new ruling system for the entire earth. And a new education for all mankind. And that is what God has promised by means of his Kingdom rule from heaven over earth. Only then will true justice and equity exist for all​—men, women, and children. Only then will true mutual respect exist between men and women. The Bible puts it this way at Isaiah 54:13: “All your sons [and daughters] will be persons taught by Jehovah, and the peace of your sons [and daughters] will be abundant.” Yes, proper education in Jehovah’s righteous principles will contribute to a new world of mutual respect.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 16]

Often a mature woman can give helpful counsel

[Picture on page 17]

Sharing domestic chores is one way a husband can show respect for his wife